Tiff Wimberly's winning routine in the 2000 Pun-Off was,

Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen

I, RaPUNzel, have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with you written by the Brothers TRIMM. When I was a young CURL, a jealous queen LOCKed me in a tower. I was STRANDedSUMat my SPLITS ENDSUMtruly a damsel in THESE TRESSES!
The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but, day after day, knight after knight would try to climb the tower which was so tall the FOLLICLE you! They would climb my braid and if they weren't that handsome I would give them the BRUSH offSUMgee, I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for being such a big TEASE.
One day, a handsome knight named Prince Latherrinse tried to rescue me. He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest. I said: "COMB and SHAVE me"
The queen found out about it and cut off my hair. And let me tell you Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED! She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLE with.
Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and had twins but, we didn't live happily ever after because he placed too many CONDITIONERS on our marriage which was really CRIMPING my STYLE.
So, we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued. It came down to SPLITTING HAIRS (heirs) so he took one twin and I took the other.
So, now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want a LATHER RINSE REPEAT (read the shampoo label). And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair from blonde to brown and this new color is to DYE for after all, brunettes have more pun.
Well, that's the long and short of my HAIRY tale story.
I bid you all a OEDO!

A Punniest of show winner by Steve Brooks:

"Jalapeno, Jalapeno, Jalapeno, Jalapeno." I've discovered a wonderful new philosophy that has raised my consciousness as well as my cholesterol. It's called Tex-Mexistentialism.

It all started with the philosopher Juan-Paul Salsa, who wrote, "To Bean,
or Nacho to Bean, that is the Queso."

He was followed by his great disciple, Descarta Blanca, who said, "I
Pinto, therefore, Cayenne."

Some trace it to ancient Grease, where the great thinker Aristortilla
wrote the book Plata's RePulpo.

Meanwhile, over in ancient India, they believed in Chili con Karma - that
what Casa round, Carne's around.

And back in the Holy Land, The prophet Masa brought The Ten Comidas:

"Thou Salt not Tequila."
"Honor Tamale and thy Papaya."
"Blessed are the Migas, for they shall Ranchero the Burps."
"Give a man an Enchilada, he'll Taco Mole."
"Arroz is Arroz by Flameada name."
"In the Picante, Guisada Cerveza'd the Hongas and the Verde.
And he saw that it was Food."

I'd like to close by reciting The Lard's Prayer:

"Our Fajita, who art in Huevos, Pollo'd be Muy Bueno.
Thy Corona come, thy Chili be Con, on Cuervo it is El Jefe.
Forgive us our Tres Amigos,
as we forgive those who Seis Salsas against us.
Lettuce not into Tomatillo, but Nuevo us from Fritos.
For thine is the Gringo, the Agua and the Chorizo.
In the name of the Flauta, and of the Flan, and of
the Frijole ghost.

A-Menudo."

This is 2001 winning entry at the O Henry Pun-Off. Steve Brooks came out wearing a George W. Bush Mask

INHALE TO THE CHIEF

My Kilo Americans.

Let me Freak to you of a Homegrown Texan, who's Resin to the
Highest Possession in this great Hallucination, the original
Come-Pushing-It conservative, the Pass-the-Hemp of the Fume-Lighted States, George Drug-Use Bushel. (Removes mask)

He grew up near the Mescaline border. These days, he's
Hippie-Critical, but Ounce upon a time, he was a Peyote animal. A-Codeine to some sources, he had a Morphine violation, but his Poppy Baled him out, and it never made the Papers. He studied Acid-uously, earned his LSD, and graduated Ganga cum Loaded.

He came home to Marijuana those Texas girls. Then, opportunity
Narced: a Grass-roots run for the Opiate Office. His campaign Stoners gave Sinsemilla Dealers, Amphetamine to IV advertising. But election day was a Heroine experience. The votes were Sliff. The lead Zig-Zagged for weeks. It was Reefer Count Madness! But thanks to the Supreme Snort, he won by a Nose.

He's still Burning the Ropes of the job, with help from Colin
Powder, former Head of the the Joint Sheafs of Stash. They're trying to
Psychedelic-ate balance between Tokes cuts for the Roach, and helping the Needles, while Cheeching kids to Weed, by giving Tracks dollars to the Free Methodist Prayer Force.

He's on a Roll. We're all sitting on Ecstasy what he's Cocaine up
next.

So when you hear Inhale to the Chief, Just say Snow.

(By Steve Brooks)

In 2002, Jim Ertner and Tiff Wimberly tied for Punniest of show, each
receiving 4 scores of 9 (10 Max) for a 36 total. The audience was then
asked to choose the winner and Jim was awarded the trophy. Here are their winning routines:

Animal Alphabet

There's a little known animal that begins with the letter X. It's actually
a Greek swordfish, spelled X-I-P-H-I-I-D-A-E, and it's pronounced
ZIFF-EYE-IH-DEE.

As Paul Harvey might say, "Now for the REST of the story."

I'd like to present an ABC primer on animal puns.

AARDVARK a million miles to put 26 animal puns in alphabetical order.
I'd BADGER you and I'd keep CARPING on the subject, until I have no iDEERs left. I'd have no EGRETs, however, as I FERRET out more animal puns. If necessary, I'd even GOPHER broke. Some may say it's a HAREbrained attempt; but, IGUANA tell you, I'm no JACKASS -- and I KID you not. I'm not doing this for a LARK (although maybe just a MITE) So don't NAG me. In fact, you OTTER try to PARROT me. But don't QUAIL from the challenge. After all, you don-t have to be a RACCOON-teur. So just SALMON up some courage, before you
take a TERN for the worse. Don't be afraid of people saying to you,
"UNICORNiest person I know." Stop crying and VIPER nose. Then say, "WALLABY a son-of-a-gun," and start singing, "Zip-a-dee doo-dah, XIPHIIDAE ay." Soon you'll be a YAK-of-all-trades, and can put all of these animal puns in a book called "Who's ZOO."

(By Jim Ertner)


Oz:

It's time for a great and powerfal PAUSE for the weather. . . I'm your
meteorologist Dorothy GALE. The forecast for OZtin calls for mostly PUNNY with a chance of BLUNDER.

So, WINDCHILL like to hear my CURRENT CONDITIONS? You may recall I HAIL from Kansas where I WEATHERED a TURBULENT childhood. I was hit in the head with a window and I'm still feeling that PANE. My house dropped on a witch but I wasn't arrested for HOME-ICIDE. Then I met men with mo brain, no heart and no courage. . . typical! I'm sorry. . . I just dumped my conceited boyfriend. so, now I'm somewhere over my VAIN BEAU. But, this was like my third loser. . . so it seems I've PICKED my HEELS three times!

I dated a hypnotist from ARID ZONA and there was no DROUGHT about it I was under his DRY SPELL. He treated me like a NIMBUS CELL. I hit a RECORD LOW and my dog was a TOTO basket case! When we broke up I said to my dog, "Toto, I have a feeling we are not in TRANCES anymore!"

I dated a weatherman named Barry Metric. He was good-looking, FAHRENHEIT but an ABSOLUTE ZERO. I PREDICTED a STORMY RELATIONSHIP WITH A 50%CHANCE OF ISOLATED PAIN. Our WHIRLWIND courtship RAN HOT. . . COLD and he wanted to
get CIRRUS. I could feel BARRY METRIC PRESSURE me to marry him but, he hung out in ISOBARS and drank so many WINES AND CIDERS AND BEERS, oh my! I said he had problems and he said DEWPOINT them out. I gave him the third degree which PRECIPITATED our break up.

Lookingback, inRELATIVE HUMILITY, my life hasn't been a BREEZE! Maybe this was all a dream. You've been an OZsome crowd. . . I bid you all a DEW!

(By Tiff Wimberly)

Carlotta Stankiewitcz and Jim Hahn tied for third place in the 2002
Punniest of Show competition, each receiving 2 9s and 2 8s for a total of
34 points. Here are their routines:

Allergies:

Even if you're new to Austin, you've probably noticed all the CONGESTION: It's awful. In fact, it's aPOLLEN.. If you suffer like I do, you probably get the ALLERGIST of what I'm saying. You know what springtime has in SPORE for us.

The thing is, HIVES seen a doctor. He said, ALLERGY whiz, look ACHOO!

It's not just me, I said. It's my whole family. You can CEDAR FEVER rising every day. And my sister, Hista, refuses to share her medicine with my kids. They say, "ANTIHISTAMINE."

So doc, I said, We're SUDAFED up, we'd TISSUE if you found a cure. Just ASTHMA husband. RAGWEED take anything to MUCOUS feel better-just SINUS up!

I even got down on my SNEEZE.

So he gave me something he said would CLARITIN a few hours.

I thought, it DUST MITE work. But now I NOSE he was pulling my ALLEGRA.

Sometimes I feel like saying, "HAY FEVER! Go PECAN someone your own size!
I'm MOLD and tired AFRIN all these years."

But ELM not gonna let it get to me. I'm going home to play SNIFFLEball
with the kids, grill up some hamBOOGERS, kick back and take it SNEEZY.

Thanks for listening- it's BENADRYL. Hope I didn't BLOW it. Make sure you give all DECONGESTANTS a hand.

Because you might think getting up here's easy but it's SNOT,

(By Carlotta Stankiewicz)


The Sermon:

Halo, and welcome to Survival Revival. My name's Pastor Present. Today I'm preaching about Satan; I'll tell you, my friends we're all "Marching to Purgatoria."

In the beginning, you could tell something was Eden on that
snake-in-the-grass! Didn't give Adam about anything, Eve-n when he was Abel to raise a little ... Cain here and there. But Old Scratch was itching to achieve great blas-phame and fortune. When he came faith to faith with
a-men of good character, he wouldn't take Noah for an answer. Wasn't his "ark-chetype of a guy."

Now God didn't let the world fiend for itself, He launched a Promising
Land venture with a guy named Aber, hamming it up down somewhere between modern-day Iraq and a hard place. "Abe -- I make you my chosen people, because Jew are a cut above the average!" That was about the circumcise of it, but how Beelze-bubbled with rage!

Later, he tried a-Nile-ating the Hebrew slaves. Moses was a virtual
basket-case that Pharaoh was foul and foul was Pharaoh. E-gypt Is-real bad, which the Man Upstairs wasn't about to lightly Passover. He broke up that little pyramid scheme, and then after sending the Jews running for the emergency exodus -- everything was kosher.

If Satan shook his Faust at a good man once, he did it a millennium times!
Remember King David? Got him into hot water just for taking a warm Bath -- sheba! King Solomon? Made him completely lose his temple. Jonah? Whale, that drop in prophet was hard to swallow! ClearIy Satin's Sodom-ination of the world like there was no Gomorrah.

Now -- you're thinking: What Arma-you-geddon so worried about? Well,
friend, read my apocalips: the End is near. 1-for-an-eye kid you not. When you see the handwriting on the wall, it's time to reprint.

This may seem like hell-fire to you now, but remember: this is only a
warming! Imagine everlasting PUN-ishment! For heaven's sake, don't play idol games, 'cause if you gamble with a Para-dise, you'll Lucifer-ever your soul.

God bless and ... Hallelu-y'all!

(By Jim Hahn)

The 1995 Pun-Off Punniest of show, Lee Jackson, presented this routine:

Welcome, friends! Welcome to this meeting of the Church of Spicentology. I am your pastor for the evening, Brother Herb Gardner.

Now, those of you new among us might be wondering what this "Spicentology" is all about. Well, I'll tell you. But, I'm not going to try and chive you into something you're not ready for. Instead, I'm going to appeal to your basil emotions. So, sit back, get comfrey, and listen to their sage advice.

I want you to listen to the story of Jesus. Yes, Jesus was a
Spicentologist, friends! Remember his words to the Pharisees who tried to
stone the harlot: "Let he who is without cinnamon you cast the first stone."

I want you to listen to the story of Faust. Yes, Faust, the man who sold
his soul to make a dill with the devil!

And friends, I want you to listen to the story of Scarlett O'Hara, who
left her home for Atlanta to try and curry favor with the locals. But, when her unsavory caper with Rhett Butler fell through, she decided to return to
Tara to try and understand what her poppy seed in that place. But learn
from her mistake friends - she finally gets home to Tara, anise too late -
tarragon!

So, friends, do not parsley give yourself to Spicentology. Do not walk
gingerly down the primrose path! No! Just throw all your caraway and
juniper right into it! For, remember the words of our great Spicentologist
leader, John F. Kennedy:

"Ask not what your cumin tree cayenne do for you - ask what you cayenne do for your cumin tree."
Amen, and good night!

Copyright (c) 1995 Lee Jackson All Rights Reserved