THE PUNDIT

The Pundit

The official 'e' Newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

January 2007

Stan Kegel signs in with these HOLIDAY PUNS

As seen in a Toy Store: "Ho, Ho, and Ho spoken here."

In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

Outside a church: "The Original Christmas Club."

At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle
with the crowd."

In A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000.

From a reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

☺☺☺

Here are some "Good" investment tips for 2007. Be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2007.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers

will join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota

Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS,

and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally...

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under

the new name: TittyTitty BangBang.

☺☺☺

An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I
don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."

From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"

☺☺☺

Signs seen on SUCCESSFUL COMPANIES...seen by Morris Langer.

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

On a Gynecologist's Office:"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumber's truck:"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..."

Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee !"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push"

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you 're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."

On another Septic Tank Truck in Oregon : "We're Number One in Number Two."

Don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar
to remind him when payments are due."

☺☺☺

THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY.. To lighten your day

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS

AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE

BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15 WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DOES THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME

DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

☺☺☺

Ads that were seen but were never answered: (we guess)

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES: � Cocker Spaniel, � sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd.

Father, SuperDog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND: DIRTY SMALL WHITE DOG.

Looks like a rat. Been outdoors for quite a while. Better be a reward.

HOLSTEIN COWS, NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay Holstein bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK FOR SALE: $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GENUINE GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents lb.

WASHER & DRYER; must sell, only $300. Joined nudist colony.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie

ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITTANICA, complete set of 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month, new wife knows everything.

We wish you a year filled with peace and laughter.

And always remember that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

The Pundit

The official 'e' newsletter of the International save the

Pun Foundation

February 2005

OUR UPPITY LANGUAGE, TAKEN FROM RICHARD LEDERER'S WORDS.

It's time to catch up on up, the ever-present two-letter word that may have

more meanings than any other and, at times, no meaning at all.

It's easy to understand up when it means skyward or toward the top of a list.

And clearly there are crucial differences between call and call up and beat

and beat up. But I have to wonder why we warm ourselves up, why we

speak up, why we shower up, why a topic comes up, and why we crack up at

a joke. Let's face up to it: we're all mixed up about up. Usually the little

word is totally unnecessary.

Why do we light up a cigar, lock up the house, polish up the silverware, and

fix up the car when we can more easily and concisely light, lock, polish, and

fix them? At times, verbs with up attached mess up our heads and screw up

our minds with bewildering versatility.

To look up a chimney means one thing, to look up a friend another, to look

up a word something else. We can make up a bed, a story, a test, our face,

and our mind, and each usage has a completely different meaning.

At other times, up- verbs are unabashedly ambiguous.

When we wind up our watch, we start it; when we wind up a meeting, we

stop it. When we hold up our partners on the tennis court, are we supporting

or hindering them?

How, pray tell, can we walk up and down the aisle at the same time and slow

up and slow down at the same time?

What bollixes up our language worse than anything else is that up can be

downright misleading. A house doesn't really burn up; it burns down. We

don't really throw up; we throw out and down. We don't pull up a chair; we

pull it along. Most of us don't add up a column of figures; we add them

down.

And why it is that we first chop down a tree, and then we chop it up?

Maybe it's time to give up on the uppity up.

FOR ALL OF US LEXOPHILES

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your

count

that votes.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat

minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium

at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd

dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

This may have been added to our pages B4, but 4 those who have not seen

M: all you mathematicians, engineers and other geniuses who have

difficulty converting units.

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1

bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billygram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =

Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decaration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University

Hospital = 1 IV League.

Since MTV doesn't seem interested in showing music videos any more,

perhaps they should start covering golf tournaments. Then, if music

starved viewers complained they could at least let their Vijay Singh.

Fore us from GARY HALLOCK

One of the famed art museums in New York recently opened a month-long

exhibit of Origami works from several of the great Japanese masters.

To help finance the exhibition, it's been located in a separate area, with an

admission fee. Even season passes to the museum proper won't get you in

to this exhibit. Taking their cue from Cable TV, it's

clearly Paper View.

-- Bob Dvorak

...and in keeping with this paper, these PUNY people joined in the fold.

That's twisted.

Please fold that one, wrote Barry Austern

I hear the word has gotten out about the origami exhibition and the

attendance is in creasing. said Tiffany Wimberley

The museum director is keeping it in the family--all the

paperartwork in the show was done by his brother's half-

oriental daughter...his Japan niece. wrote Cynthia MacGregor

I hope they offered folding chairs at that Origami Exhibit in NY.

GARY HALLOCK, fold again with these ever increasing words:

Japanese aren't the only ones who can do origami. I hear it's really

big in the Philippines. Ever seen the file on Manilla folders?

Sounds like Joseph wasn't able to make the paper cut. That's bond to

be painful. I hate to rag on him but it looks like he's reamed out.

Who would have thought this thread would re-vellum to be just a paper

tiger.

I suppose, if I wanted to join in, I'd have to take a leaf out of your book.

It's plain this is a weighty subject; and now I'll fold. Says Joseph Harris and

we do too.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to

take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or

changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's

winners.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops

bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows

little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose

of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the

subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the

person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running

late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra

credit.)

Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these

really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,

a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day

consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter

when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after

you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your

bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in

the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

More from Katarina Hodgson Fractured deaffynotions

1. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

2. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

3. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage,

4. Burglarize: What a crook sees with,

5. Control: A short, ugly inmate.

6. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

8. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

10. Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of

loot.

11. Misty: How golfers create divots.

12. Paradox: Two physicians

13. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.

15. Polarize: What penguins see with.

16. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. Relief: What trees do in the spring.

18. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

19. Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

20. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

21. Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government

official.

...end again we come to the end of an issue and admonish you to remember

always, that a day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom

for improvement.

Volume 26, February 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock, Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com