First Place in the "Punniest of Show" competition in the 28th Annuual
O. Henry Pun-Off World Champions went to FRANCIS MCGRATH for his inventive and rollicking rendition of "STAR WARS THE MUSICAL"

He scored the first perfect score since 2000. Here's the complete
transcript of "Star Wars: The Musical"

Obi-Wan, singular sensation, every little step he takes

In olden days a little slave boy could bring balance to the force but
we all know, Anakin Goes

Start the car I know a wookie spot where Qui-Gon Jinn is cold but the
piano's hot and all that jawas

Hello Amidala well hello Amidala

My funny Palpatine

Don't you love the Force, give in to your fears, send in the clones

The people all said Sith down, Sith down you're rocking the boat

Sunrise, Boba Fett, Sunrise, Jango Fett

Don't cry for me R2-D2

C3, P0, Touch Me, Heal Me

Pardon me boy, is this the Chattanooga Chewie Chewie

Lando, a man a scoundrel man
Ray, a beam shot from a gun
Shmi a slave who had a son
Fa, a galaxy fa, fa away
Solo, a smuggler running spice
Leia, a princess who looks nice
Tie, a fighter that shoots twice,
That will bring us back toΒ…

Luke be a lady tonight, Luke be a ladyΒ…

Tonight, tonight, tonight there will be no more Death Star, Tonight!

Photos of Francis' performance are posted at:
<http://www.francismcgrath.com/pix-punoff.shtml>

Second place in the "Punniest of Show"

Jim Hahn with 38 points.

Meating of the Minds
[HOLDING UP CANNED HAM] "Hamming it up!" Heh, heh --

I can't do this routine. I . . . can't concentrate. Sorry.

It's that woman! Why me? Do I pork myself in front of the TV?
Did I go chickenup on her when she was little late? Do I ever get
veally angry? Don't I always bust my chops to bring home the bacon?

I know, I know, you're probably thinking: What's a mutton with
you, man? What'syour beef?

Well, it's my . . . grill-friend, Barbie. Cue as she can be.
What a rack, o' lambsakes alive! Ran off with her boss down at the
radio station – KBOB. (Shish!) Guy's some weenie named Frank.
Furter-more, he's a real jerk – y's such abrat – wurst I've ever
seen! And, dadgummit, that just ain't kosher.

What am I – chopped liver?

I don't know. Maybe I'm basting my time. Lord knows, I've
fried and I've fried; but I've reached the broiling point. Tired of
them skewering around with me.

Personally I'd love to kiel that bassa of hers. I never sausage
arrogance. Tried to lean on me – fat chance! Told me, "Hey buddy,
just cleaver alone -- or I'llbutcher turkey butt down your throat!"
I thought to myself, "This guy is full o'baloney. No matter how you
slice it, he's 'bad to T-Bone'!"

Have I made some mis-steaks? Sure, of course – but believe me,
I have, sir, loined my lesson. Me -- chuck my woman? No, no, it's
time I roast to the occasion.

Tonight, I'm gonna burger on bended knee to come home. Though
she might not listen, I've just gotta brisket. I may take quite a
ribbing, but I want my baby back, baby back.

I guess I'm, well, done! But I sure enjoyed . . . meat-ing you all

With the above routine, I placed second at the 2005 O. Henry
Championship Pun-Off.

Jim Hahn (Waco, Texas)

JIm and Patrick tied for second place by the judges' voting, the tie was undoneby applause from the audience.

Third place in the "Punniest of Show"

Patrick Tanzola with 38 points.

Here is Pat's winning routine. (Pat is the first medallist from Canada.)

(Intro: points to podium, displaying sign saying 'This is my HANNIBAL
LECTERN)
Men and women of GOOD TASTE, great to finally EAT YOU! I wouldn't
lie, my mother BRAISED ME well, so that's no CAN O' BULL. After years
in the PIZZA CORPSE working as a HUMAN-EAT-ARIAN, I'm here finally to
compete at the Pun-off; I promise you I'm no FLESH IN THE PAN.

My girlfriend, a cute little FILLET, name's CAKE MOSS, spends all her
time COOKING IN THE MICROWAIF, didn't think I'd make it this far, but
now she's EATING RUSSELL CROWE. Sometimes I'm not so GLAD I ATOR – I
mean, date her. Nothing's worse than a JEALOUS LIVER.

But I won't LECTER you; I'm not one of those annoying people who
never stops CHEWING YOU OUT. You're all MEN OF CONVECTION; I'm
practically IN OVEN with you; I am ENJOYING YOU people WITH RELISH.

Please come over to my place for a DONNER PARTY. Don't worry if you
are LACK-TOES INTOLERANT, I'll strap the FEET-BAG right on you. You
like fresh BRAIN MUFFINS? EXSKULLENT! Then it's toast slathered with
MARMALADY, SCRAMBLED LEGS, all washed down with a FULL-BODIED WINO.
And dessert: ADAM'S APPLE PIE with EYES CREAM and my favourite, J-LO
PUDDING POPS. Bring your kids over to play too – I'd consider it a
VEAL good time.

Now I'm off on a tour of international MEN-Us: first it's Iceland for
BJORK CHOPS - then Manila for some PHYLLOPINOS, and also France to
have a true HOMMELETTE breakfast! Last stop's the Vatican, where I
hope to have the HAVE THE POPE'S EAR. Hope he listens - someone's got
to keep that guy A-CANNIBAL!

Thanks for letting me take you IN GEST; I'll KETCHUP with YOU later.

Pat with Louis Rhain run the excellent website www.pungents.com which
is filled with original puns.

Jim Hahn Pat Tanzola Francis McGrath Gary Hallock