2006 Punniest of Show

Winners Transcripts

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First Place in P.O.S. went to Eirik Ott who scored a very rare 40 out
of a possible 40 points.

AURAL SEX - Eirik Ott

The graffiti on the PLATHroom wall was simple: "For hot one-on-one
word play, call 1-800-WORDCORE.

And so I call, and she answers, and she jumps right into it.

She says, "Are you ready for some aural sex?"

And I say, "Oh, yes!"

And she says, "What are you drinking?"

And I say, "A tall tequila mockingbird, what are you drinking?"

And she said, "A nice vodka milkSHAKESPEARE. You sound so buff...
have you been working out? I can tell you have tight vocabs. I'll bet
you have a huge dic-tionary."

And I said, "Oh yes, indeed, it's the Oxford English Language
Dictionary. 151 pounds of pure...definition."

And she said, "I want you to give me multiples right now!"

So, I purred, "Onomatopaea!"

And cried, "More! More!"

So, I moaned, "Supracalifragilisticespialidocious!"

And she said, "Don't fake it. Give it to me RILKE."

So, I whispered, "Antidisestablishmentarianism..."

And she screamed, "Affirmative! Affirmative! I want you to rap for
me! Now!"

And I said, "What? Rap? I can't rap!"

And she said, "But rappers are SO sexy!"

And I said, "I can't rap! I was a Lit Major!"

And she said, "Oh, go PLATH yourself! I know you've got a superior
WHIT, MAN, so just pull out your DICKENSON and start KEROUACKing now!"

So, I said:

"Uhm... Yo...

My words are warm wool slippers, put your poor, cold feets in
they'll lock you up like Alexander Solzenitzen!

I'm cooking up lyrics like I was a chef, see?
I'll give you Rhymes and Punishment like Dostoyevski!

Before you step to me, you better back the heck off,
'cuz I've got more plays that Anton Chekov!"

She said, "You need to slow down, why you be Russian? By the way, you
sound a little gay... Are you a homophone?"

And it was then that I realized this wasn't really working for me. We
were just two relationships passing wind in the night, crashing into
the same GINSBURG.

copyright 2006 Eirik Ott

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Second place in P.O.S. was awarded (by applause) to returning former
champ, Jim Ertner, of Boston MA. for yet another in his inventive
series of alphabetical compilations. Jim also scored an apparently
not-so-rare 40 out of a possible 40 points.

AN ANIMAL DICTIONARY - Jim Ertner

Four years ago I stood here and presented an ABC primer on animal
puns. Since Richard Lederer and I now have a new book out (titled THE
GIANT BOOK OF ANIMAL JOKES), I thought it would be appropriate to
present an all-new alphabetical primer on animal puns, with
completely different animals. Here I go:

I will not cast ASPersion on my previous performance, but I will BUCK
the trend of not using the same theme. I just hope it doesn't become
a CATastrophe and I start DRAGON my feet. And I hope no one will feel
any EEL will towards me, as I just want to have a lot of FAWN. In
fact, I'll GOAT to any length to keep these animal puns going forever
and HEIFER. I'll tow the line and try not to give up an INCHworm, as
I dig for more animal puns. If I have to search for animal puns at
night, I'll use a JACKAL lantern. My goal, as always, is to keep up
the KOALAty of these animal puns. If I can offer any tips to anyone,
just LEMUR know. If you're not sure, merely MULLET over for a while.
But don't be bashful; because, in this case, no news is bad NEWTs. If
I'm ever in your neighborhood, I'll stop by for a visit if OPOSSUM by
your house. And I'll drive carefully, since I don't want to be
accident PRAWN. If I come, I promise not to QUAHOG the conversation.
You must think I'm a RAVEN lunatic to keep up this SHRIMPly awful
animal punning, when in fact it actually makes me THRUSHed with
delight and URCHIN to tell even more. So, are you VIXEN to invite me
over? If so, I think WEEVIL have a good time. We could sit around and
talk about the death of some skate and ray fish, commonly know as X-
RAYS. Or we could dress up, go out, and YAK it up. Finally though, if
a female is invited, she should be sure to wear (as the French say)
ZE BRA.

copyright 2006 Jim Ertner


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Lloyd Dissmore of Kenosha, WI and Denise Hazelwood of Buda, TX both received 39 out of a possible 40 points for their P.O.S. presentations at the 29th Annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships. Their 3rd place tie was broken by applause from the audience in favor of Mr. Dissmore. Transcripts of these two routines will be posted on this page soon.