PUN ARK HIVES

Here are the results from the 31st Annual O.Henry Pun-Off World
Championships held in Austin, TX on Saturday, May 17, 2008.

PUNNIEST OF SHOW

First Place in P.O.S. went to Carmen Petrick of Austin/Houston, TX who scored an 39 out of a possible
40 points with the judges, delivering yet another of her outrageously clever pun-packed presentations,
this time based on cars. (It appears she's not with automotive here.) <skibanana@yahoo.com>

Second place honors went to Kara Templeton of Washington D.C. whose scored 36 points for her
presentation on colleges and higher education. She may treat or matriculater with a sample of it.
<citymouse137@msn.com>

Once again the third place tally showed no clear winner as four contestants shared the same score of
34 points. The bronze medallion was awarded by audience applause to our only contestant ever from

down utter, Simon Friedlander of Austin/Sydney, Australia. <simon3d@hotmail.com>

PUNSLINGERS (Formerly HL/LP)

Sparring in the final 3-way heat on the topic of "ANIMAL BODY PARTS," were Valerie Ward, Satya Manz and Matt Pollock, all of Austin. Satya fell first, a clear victim of Manzlaughter, while Pollock valiantly held off Valerie long enough to claim a silver medal in 2nd place. Ward emerged as the clear winner. Apparently the crowd loves watching her pull things off. Keep Austin Ward!

Valerie Ward <valeriebot@gmail.com> Matt Pollock <ferret006@yahoo.com> Satya Manz
<satyamanz@sbcglobal.net>

(Photo caption - Left to right - Valerie Ward, Matt Pollock, Satya Manz)


mmMVP AWARD & other highlights.

Last year's crowd favorite, Eirik Ott delivered another devastating poetic slam entitled "File sharing," but
his presentation fell several points short of placing in the P.O.S. event. By a vote of her peers, Valerie
Ward of Austin, TX took home her second mmMVP trophy and, of course, the admiration of many. Her
"Damsel in dis-dress" comic strip-tease was the high point of the afternoon and my eyes are still
numb.

With the exception of a thinly disguised contestant curiously named "Mr E.," who did well but failed to
survive to the final round, we had no champions return to defend a title. Joe Sabia was unable to travel
again from California and the weary bouts of Arthur Simone remains a Mr E.

May 29 and 30th, 2008

The Playoffs on TV -- Bertrand Pibion's

Bertrand Pibion's dialogue from the 2008 Punniest of Show at the O. 
Henry Pun-Off World Championships. Before starting he explains what is 
to come:


This is a commercial break in a playoff, beginning with several 
"Public Service Announcements" and then an ad, with a prop to identify 
it:

The Playoffs on TV

These important messages are brought to you by the NFBBL Players 
Association

Remember, the wind is fragile.  Please do not break it.

If you are caught taking a leak, you could be PENALized.  If you 
return it, no questions will be asked.

Stealing chickens runs aFOUL of the law.

To avoid the appearance of cruelty to animals, do not say, "don't beat 
a dead horse".  Instead say, "don't be hippo-POSTHUMOUS"

The united nations is announcing a worldwide plan to rid horses of 
parasites.  If you own a horse,  contact the UN and ask about its plan 
for GLOBAL WORMING.

(TV Ad)

If you own a serpent, this message is for you.  Does your serpent 
appear "HISSLESS"?  Does your krait look "EMPTY"?  Is your viper in 
the "PITS" or does it no longer "RUSTLE"?  Does your python have 
"IRRETICULARITY"?  do you have a "FET-TERED" BOA?  Is your mamba 
"NUMBA"?  Do you have a "SORE ASP"?  Does your side-winder have 
"WRIGGLE MORTIS"?

Ask your veterinarian if "Viagarattler" is right for your snake.

"Viagarattler" will give you a keen cobra, make your krait great, 
hyper your viper, and put the boom back in your slang.

Bertrand Pibion 5/2008

May 28, 2008

Dean & Morris Smoke The Competition

The Mother-Daughter team of Judy Dean & June Morris returned to the 
Punniest of Show competition of the 2008 O. Henry Pun-Off World 
Championships to entertain the audience with his dialogue on an 
illegal drug.

And now a Mother Daughter Team Tries to Smoke the Competition

June: HIGH, Judy.
Judy: HAY, June.
June: Did you hear that HERB and MARY JANE got married?
Judy: No! Why didn't he MARRY JUANA, that RED HAIRED LADY?
June: Well, for one thing, she can't cook   burned the HASH ...
Judy: No!
June: Yes, and she left the LID off the POT ...
Judy: No!
June: Yeah, it boiled over and made a STICKY ICKY mess all over the 
JOINT...
Judy: No!
June: Yes, and she WASTED a CANNABIScuits - BAKED them at 240 instead 
of 420.
Judy: No!
June: Yes. She served cinnaMUNCHIES toast for breakfast with STONED 
cold eggs.
Judy: Ugh, no!
June: Yes, and she's a terrible housekeeper - ROACHES ZIG ZAG 
everywhere...
Judy: Oh,no!
June: You should see the garbage and PAPERS STASHed all over!
Judy: Herb better DANK his lucky stars he didn't get HOOKED UP with her.
BUY the way, did you go to her BLOCK party?
June: No. Did you?
Judy: Yes, I did. At first, they were all HilaREFFER President!
But then they got FIRED UP for OBONGA, the GRASSroots candidate.
Personally, I think he's awfully GREEN, So young.
Do you know how old he is?
June: No.
Judy: Well, he looks THIRTEEN, BUD he's aHEAD in the polls, even 
though he can't BOWL.
They say Hillary's popularity STEMS from her husband.
June: No! LEAF Bill out of it!
Judy: PIPE down! All I can say is WEED better get a Democrat elected.
DOOBIE quite BLUNT, I don't care if it's a TOKIN' woman or a TOKIN' 
black.
June: Well, I hardly know what to say to that.
Judy: Just say NO - to BUSH.

MAY 26, 2008

Is pregnancy a fetal condition that is sexually transmitted?

MAY 23, 2008

KirK Miller told this story entirely with limericks, receiving a score 
of 29 at the 31st O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships

UNREQUITED LOVE

After many a day of snowfall,
To the snowgirl the snowman did call,
"I do hope that perchance,
You would like to go dance.
And the venue, of course: the Snow Ball."

When she didn't respond, he got bolder.
"I do think you're Snow White," snowman told 'er.
But she didn't reply,
So his plans went awry.
She ignored him and gave the cold shoulder.

For cold weather the snowman did pray;
And at first sky was cloudy and gray.
But out came the sun
To spoil snowman's fun,
And romance simply melted away.

In order to get to know her,
He thought that he ought to show her
That he had a good wit.
That should be a big hit.
He hoped that some puns would snow her.

The wind started swirling quite swift
And gave snowman's spirits a lift.
And so then, just for fun,
Snowman uttered a pun:
"My snow's blowing your way; catch my drift?"

Very poorly the snowman did fare
With the snowgirl. He didn't despair.
When she said, "You're a flake,"
Snowman made a mistake.
His pursuit seemed to snowball from there.

He persisted. She said, "Please vamoose."
Then she gave him some verbal abuse.
And eventually,
The poor snowman did see
He should stop his pursuit; it snow use.

Brokenhearted, the snowman did bawl,
And was filled with a feeling of gall.
Though she thought he looked chic,
And admired his physique,
For his nose she did not carrot all.

The snowman, quite sad, did depart.
His heartstrings were broken apart.
If they got together
Despite the cold weather
I'm sure she'd have melted his heart.

This sad story shows just what befalls
Many males who it really appalls.
As might be expected,
The men are rejected
Because women don't like their snow balls.
  (Kirk Miller)

MAY 22, 2008

Two women archeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.   Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed.  

Says one: "We don't seem to be having much luck."  

The other replies: "Keep on digging, honey  A good Mayan is hard to find!"

( Dug up byJuanita Browne)

May 16, 2008

Happy Birthday Kevin
(PUN-OFF tomorrow)

What is a PUN?    A pun is the humorous use of a word or words in such a way as to suggest different meanings or applications OR words that have the same or nearly the same sound but different meanings. 

 2006 Medalists Arthur Simone and Andy Balinsky show off their newly acquired hardware.
 

May 14, 2008

"A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor."

(whispered Ken Kramer) 

 May 5, 2008

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. She hit an iceberg and went down. The cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as SINKO DE MAYO

What the Hellmann!  Did you sink we could pass up a gag like this? That would be to diss dressing!

==========================================================

PUN-OFF 2008

CHAMPIONSHIP HAPPENS!

The O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships May 17, 2008

at the O. Henry Museum on Brush Square AUSTIN, TX  -

The O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships

May 17, 2008 at the O. Henry Museum on Brush Square 

in Austin, Texas 

-- Bob Dvorak says,

Given the rising numbers of computers, PDA's,
etc., found on boats, the owners of the local
marina wired it for computer access.
--------------------------------------------

It's a pier-to-pier network.

Their theme song is "This LAN is your LAN."

The network server is on the packet boat
down at the end.

In the marina there's an afficionado of
catamarans.  He's on his fifth, named, of
course, CAT-5.

Most users have a docking PC.

Everything was going swimmingly until someone's
boat RAMmed the pier.

April 22, 2008

Jaunita Browne casted this story,

Guy #1: Hey, pal! How's your new pet fish doing? You told  

     me he was really something special.  

Guy #2: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in  

       him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach  

       him to sing like a bird.  

Guy #1: You bought a fish because you thought you could  

        teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!  

Guy #2: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish.  

Guy #1: I hate to tell you this, buddy, but while you  

        might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing,  

        you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot  

        fish.  

Guy #2: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The  

        thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving  

        me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?  

APRIL 18, 2008

A gob grabbed a tall  sailor by the throat.

The navy called it a fight, started on the HIGH SEIZE?

APRIL 17, 2008

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?  

APRIL 16, 2008

Mikie Friedman said, "I saw a wonderful tee shirt on a waitress in a coffee shop yesterday. It gave these words of wisdom... 'relish today, ketchup tomorrow!' "

APRIL 3, 2008

AS THE PEOPLE LEAVING THE NUDIST COLONY SAID,

"WE WILL BE CLOTHED UNTIL APRIL 14."

March 31, 2008

What did the Language Professor wear when she went to the beach?

Why, a diphthong, of course!

(Margaret Pearson Pinkham)

(In memory of Hal Pearson, the original Pearson Punster)

MARCH 27, 2008

Abby Croughwell reports that a hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. There may be people inside, dancing in the stark.

MARCH 26, 2008

Irv Borchiver has a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow,

"My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America, and I married Marilyn Monroe!"

When the visitor asked what was going on, Irv replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."

March 25, 2008

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,

1. "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

2. "Just don't do anything shocking"

3. "As long as you pay cash. We don't accept charges, at least at
the current time."

4. "I guess so. I checked your tab. And you're current."

5. "Just don't try to jump any of the girls."

6. Jjust keep positive."

7. "We can't serve cable. We use a satellite dish."

8. "I'm not going to serve you, obviously you're already wired!"

9. "This is a rough crowd, be careful you don't get jumped!"

10. "You're late... the booster club meeting was yesterday!"

11. "Fine, just don't be coupling in public, because if you arc,
other customers might find it to be an electrifying experience."

12. The bartender looks him over and says, "You don't look very
good." The cable answers, "I don't want to talk about it. I'm
terminally ill."

13. "Are you facing any battery charges?"

14. The barman says "Before I serve you, Are you Bipolar?

15. "You look really flat!"

(this all started by chasmuk@aol.com)

March 24, 2008

Carpet tacks - An extra fee charged on toll roads for vehicles containing
dogs or cats. (Gary Hallock)

MARCH 21, 2008

Question: What do the French think of Easter?

Answer: C'est une bonne idée!

The pun for today comes from John Shea. (Sorry force of rabbit)

March 20, 2008

You must not believe the business of fleas or the tock of ticks, it's all a flock of lice.

MARCH 19, 2008

My stock broker, he's not the only one, was loooking for ALP in this ROCKY economic range. He has made APPALACHIAN for a new position to climb. May he EVEREST on his past high regions and not KILAMANjaro.

MARCH 18, 2008

The market has given rise to some of the following thoughts and tips on .com oddities:

The price of oil is slipping.

Glue is sticking.

Silver is flat. (you may want to fork et about this)

Banks have gone down the river.

Gold is brilliant, as are diamonds.

Invest accordingly!

MARCH 17, 2008

Irish you all a Happy St. Patrick's Day. (says Jim Ertner)

March 15, 2008

With a name like "Bear Stearns" you might think these people would be
better at covering their assets.(Gary Hallock)

March 13, 2008

There's a story in the papers here about a Scotsman who married an
oyster, Clamentine. They had a girl who got a bit embarrassed by
telling that she was the daughter of an oyster, so now they refer to
her as Mother of Pearl. Privately he calls her his diving belle.

She doesn't go out much any more because although she has a hard
shell she's very soft centred. The daughter's a good businesswoman
and now runs a twine factory. She designed a new line, and they've
branded it String of Pearl's.

Joseph Harris

March 12, 2008

Up until now, Silda's and Eliot's favourite movie has been

"YOU ME AND DUPREE."

March 11, 2008

Kramer bought the gun to hunt for deer. He got more bang for the buck.

March 10, 2008

"The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."
- Jean Giradoux

March 8, 2008

This story, sent By David Hughes of U.K., involves a judge who was hearing an alimony case. He was known for the strict way he ran proceeedings, allowing no humour or other (in his opinion) wasted words. He ruled with a rod of iron and woe betide anyone who incurred his wrath. In the witness box was what we call a Mrs Mop type of woman, not very well educated or articulate and dressed in hair curlers and a pinnafore no less. A rather pompous barrister addressed her, thus. "Tell me Mrs. Smith", he intoned in la-de-dah tones, "What were the financial arrangements towards you regarding your ex husband?" The lady rambled on along the lines of, "Well let me see now... Ah... yes.. that's right... he was to make anus payments of of £1,0000.00". Of course the court wanted to laugh uproariously at the malapropism (she clearly meant 'Annual') but, knowing the judge's views on such frivolity, simply stuffed their collective hankerchieves into their mouth,  shaking with necessarily silent merriment inthe process. However, either intentionally or otherwise, it was the judge himself who then lightened the atmosphere considerably by looking over his spectacles at the witness and declaring, "Mmmm, I've heard of the expression 'paying through the nose' but the arrangement you have described seems extraordinary".

MARCH 5, 2008

This actually happened to Johnny Q, believe it or not:

My wife, from whom I am now happily divorced, once asked,

"If I married somebody else without divorcing you, would that be bigamy?"

With an incredibly unusual presence of mind, I replied, "Yes, that would be very big of you".

Needless to add, my reply resulted in a dull, uncomprehending stare.

MARCH 4, 2008

(from the mind of the son of the 1990 Punster of the Year)

MARCH 3, 2008

For a fencer to admit that he's been foiled is a hard thing touche.

February 28, 2008

If you asked a group of Gynaecologists and Urologists their opinion on a subject,

could that be called SCROTUM POLL?

February 27, 2008

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

February 25, 2008

Juno, there will be blood when Daniel dazes Lewis and has you barred from no country for old men.

Marion cought a lot of 'o' scars when a little sparrow flew till the swan tin arrived.

February 22, 2008

February 20, 2008

If there were a new range of depilatory products specifically for women

who had given up shaving their legs for Lent,

could it be called the Easter Nair lines?

(Andrew Koenig)

February 18, 2008

The ant basketball team made a vow
To get better, but didn't know how.
No, it just wasn't right
To be lacking in height.
What they needed were tolerance, now.
-Kirk Miller-

February 14, 2008

He loved her very much.

He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, so he had ordered a 
bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived 
in time for the occasion.

On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to 
have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to 
his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and 
had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer.

He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor 
instead of flowers and what  she produced was magnificent well beyond 
his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home.

When  he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, 
and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a 
romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.

He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, 
"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with 
fronds like these, who needs anemones."

(By Stan Kegel)

• I hear that strangers are living in your basement. Of course, these are only roomers.
• Two Hindu swamis were in conversation. One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation"? His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
• Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the past perfect.
• What do you get when you mix prune juice with holy water?
  A religious movement!! (Daily Groaner)
• Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?
  They loved in vein.
• A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution.
• Practice safe eating, always use condiments.

June 25, 2007

Come to the accountants convention in Billings Montana.

JUNE 22, 2007

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

June 21, 2007

Some are here as Spring has sprung.

JUNE 20, 2007

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the allergists voted to scratch it and the dermatologists advised no rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the radiologists could see right through it!

The general physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to some anus in administration.

From Walter Barclay

June 19, 2007

I just got back from a psychiatrists' convention which took place in Normal Illinois.

JUNE 13, 2007

PLUMBERS, it was just leaked that there is a splashy 'E' conference now being piped onto your screens from Flushing New York.

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY MALORIE!)

JUNE 11, 2007

There is a gathering of Weght Watchers at Gainesville Florida

June 7, 2007

Biblical themes, still.

Jonah's favourite novel? MOBY DICK.

D Day the Sixth of June

Still on The theme of songs from the Bible:

Daniel enjoyed "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

June 5, 2007

The theme of songs from the Bible:

Adam and Eve were

Strangers in Paradise.

June 4, 2007

The theme of songs from the Bible:

Noah's number 40 hit,

"Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

June 1, 2007

Samson's favourite musical: HAIR

Happy 75th birthday Moishe!

May 31, 2007

The EGOTIST Society is holding a conference at Lake Superior, Ontario.

May 30, 2007

Staying with the convention's theme:

The life insurance industry is holding a convention in Death