PUN-OFF ARK HIVES
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June 26, 2007
Jest for the Pun of it from the folks at the Friday File, on Tuesday!
- I hear that strangers are living in your basement. Of course, these are only roomers.
- Two Hindu swamis were in conversation. One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation"? His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
- Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the past perfect.
- What do you get when you mix prune juice with holy water?
A religious movement!! (Daily Groaner) - Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?
They loved in vein. - A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution.
- Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
June 25, 2007
Come to the accountants convention in Billings Montana.
JUNE 22, 2007
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
June 21, 2007
Some are here as Spring has sprung.
JUNE 20, 2007
The Hospital extension
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the allergists voted to scratch it and the dermatologists advised no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the radiologists could see right through it!
The general physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to some anus in administration.
From Walter Barclay
June 19, 2007
I just got back from a psychiatrists' convention which took place in Normal Illinois.
JUNE 13, 2007
PLUMBERS, it was just leaked that there is a splashy 'E' conference now being piped onto your screens from Flushing New York.
(HAPPY BIRTHDAY MALORIE!)
JUNE 11, 2007
There is a gathering of Weght Watchers at Gainesville Florida
June 7, 2007
Biblical themes, still.
Jonah's favourite novel? MOBY DICK.
D Day the Sixth of June
Still on The theme of songs from the Bible:
Daniel enjoyed "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
June 5, 2007
The theme of songs from the Bible:
Adam and Eve were
Strangers in Paradise.
June 4, 2007
The theme of songs from the Bible:
Noah's number 40 hit,
"Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head
June 1, 2007
Samson's favourite musical: HAIR
Happy 75th birthday Moishe!
May 31, 2007
The EGOTIST Society is holding a conference at Lake Superior, Ontario.
May 30, 2007
Staying with the convention's theme:
The life insurance industry is holding a convention in Death Valley.
May 29, 2007
As the composer said, "I'm Bach."
The Lawyers are holding a convention at Sioux City Iowa.
May 23, 2007
Musingings on Joel McColl
Punster of the Year 2006 by Kirk Miller
I saw Joel at some Pun-offs, but I don't know him. However, I have heard some things about Joel, and I thought that I would share them with you. As you probably know, Joel is an entertainer. He plays guitar and sings, and has been doing so for 37 years. He traveled around the world with Up With People, and has toured with a number of other performers. He likes to combine humor with his songs. Someone
said that Joel is a promising singer; he should promise to stop singing. I don't know if that is true. I heard that Joel's singing was a howling success. One reviewer commented: "Joel is a singer who is destined to go far -- and the sooner the better." Joel went to Hollywood and tried acting. A reviewer said this about Joel's acting: "Movies and TV shows would be greatly improved if they shot fewer films and more actors like him." So I guess that as an entertainer, Joel is half comedian and half wit. Joel has been married and divorced twice. His married life was tense, and now it's
the past tense. Joel admits that women are a problem, but it's problems like that he enjoys wrestling with. He has devoted the best leers of his life to women. Joel is real broad-minded; in fact, he thinks of nothing else. Joel knows a lot about women, mostly from what he has been able to pick up. He is the kind of guy with whom a
woman should eat, drink, and be wary.
Here are some limericks I wrote about Joel retiring after being emcee for 20 years at Pun-offs.
"Our emcee we lost, and I'm pissed,"
I said as I slammed down my fist.
If ever you fly,
Like fog in the sky,
You'll know that McColl's soarly mist.
To emcee on stage is enthralling,
But choosing the Pun-off's appalling.
When we asked Joel why,
With a wink of his eye,
He replied, "I suppose it's McColling."
He's made his decision. Shoot,
I guess that the point is moot.
And surely we've learned
That Joel has earned
A twenty-one pun salute.
After twenty long years of this stuff,
His demeanor's still nice, never gruff.
So cut Joel some slack,
And perhaps he'll come back.
After all, he's been pun-ished enough.
May 22, 2007
The top ranking performance in Punniest of Show was delivered as a poetic treatise on past White House residents. Commanding an unpresidented 40 points from the judge panel, Joe Sabia of Los Angeles, CA is now the 2007 pun champion and leader of the free word.
May 20, 2007
THE O. HENRY PUN-OFF: AUSTIN'S THIRTY LITTLE SECRET
AUSTIN, TX - IT'S A THIRTY JOB, BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT! The Friends of the O. Henry and Dickinson Museums will celebrate the lowest form of humor at the 30th Annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships on Saturday, May 19, 2007. Back by popular demand, the competition will be held in Brush Square, downtown Austin (5th Street at Neches). All Austin citizens are invited to join in this irreverent assault on the English language, which lures both veteran verbivores and naive neophytes from across the nation for verbal jousting, mental calisthenics, and general carousing.
The Pun-Off is one of the oldest public events in Austin, and is open
to 32 punslingers in two categories of competition: "Punniest of
Show" and "High-Lies & Low-Puns." The battle of words has strict time limits, and the last one left standing at the end of the competition is declared the winner.
The Pun-Off showdown begins at high noon. Music will be furnished by "MoPac and the Blue Suburbans." starting at 11 am. A Book Sale will benefit the O. Henry Museum and proceeds from a Silent Auction will support restoration of Susanna Dickinson's historic home. Auction items include gift certificates and donations from artists, restaurants, sports venues, hotels, and stores. Admission is free, but cash, checks, or credit cards are accepted for auction items, books, and food. The O. Henry Museum is located at 409 E. 5th Street in Austin. For more information, contact the museum at 512-472-1903
On May 19 will Hugh be there?
MAY 6, 2007
At three minutes and four seconds after two today, you could write the date as
02:03:04:05:06:07
April 25, 2007
Reader's Digest in January 1986). (Sent by Randy Lee
A bunch of germs were whooping it up
In the Bronchial Saloon.
The bacillus handling the larynx
Was jazzing a gag-time tune,
While back of the tongue in a solo game
Sat "Dangerous Ah Kerchoo."
And watching his luck was his light of love
The malady known as "Flu."
April 16, 2007
April 9, 2007
Here are clues and answers from yesterday's Boston GLOBE crossword puzzle, the title of which was "Shell Game."
Silver eggs? Pieces ovate.
Eggs incubated by amateurs? Home brood.
Social event for eggs? Coffee clutch.
Easter egg mischief? Hanky pysanky.
Beatles tribute to eggs? The White Albumen.
Improvised method of incubation? Hatch as hatch can.
Venue for a play like Omelet? Oeuf Broadway.
Eggshaustion? Huevo fatigue.
Eggs, repeatedly? Ova and ova.
Terrible egg puns? Nog nog yolks.
Jim Ertner
April 6, 2007
Didja hear about the Easter egg that was dyed plaid? It ended up cross-hatched.
There was a young girl who went out on Easter morning. Her head had nothing a bonnet.
He went to Robinson Crusoe's island to see if anyone could help. Could Friday?
One Easter I suggested an egg fight.
I got shelled. (Sorry. That was a bad yolk.) (Bob Dvorak)
I'm not only sure I want to dye eggs this year, I'm Paasitive.
Didja hear the story of the bunny who got his nether appendage stuck on a
rusty nail on the fence? It's the story of Peter Caught-on-Tail.(Cynthia MacGregor)
(These Easter punnies were from PUNY)
April 3, 2007
A cardinal rule is that when you're running on empty, cash is a money splendered thing. (Dave Bishop for a change)
April 2, 2007
For a fencer to admit that he's been foiled is a hard thing touche.
(This from Ken Kramer but, he would not accept epeement for it.)
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