Pundit for January 1999

This is the beginning of the nineteenth year of the Pundit, and this is the 209^th issue. If we do the math, at 4 pages per issue and at an average of 12 puns per page, we have published just over 10,000 plays on words. It reminds me of the girl who mistakenly called a hardware store when she wanted to buy a CD. She asked the clerk what he had in rap. He said they had brown Kraft in 40-inch rolls. "Is that a record?"

"No, but it's a darned good average!"

***

Doug De La Matter suggests that what Saddam Hussein and his father have in common is that they both pulled out a little too late...  "Kuwaitis Interruptis!"

***

In Quebec, mothers often call their children in from play for a little snack.

They stand on the back porch and call: "Soupçon!"

***

Silly Rabbit.

A man was driving along the highway. He swerved to avoid hitting a rabbit, but he missed and hit the rabbit as it jumped in front of the car. As an animal lover, the hitter pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see if he could help the rabbit. Much to his dismay, (and dis is January) the rabbit was beyond help. The driver was so upset that he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway recognized his sorrow and pulled over.

"What's wrong?" she asked as she stepped out of her car.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

"Don't worry, I know what to do."  She went to the trunk of her car, and pulled out a spray can. She then sprayed the contents of the can onto the limp rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, hopped down the road, turned and waved to his saviors. When he got about 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned, waved and continued to hop down the road. After another 50 feet, he turned, and waved again. It continued to do this until it was out of sight. The man was astonished.

"What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can so that the man could read the label. It said:

"Hair spray: Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

***

When former German chancellor Helmut Kohl enacted legislation, it became known as Kohl's Law. Now that he's retired, he may move to Switzerland. That would that make him a Kohl Berner. His little girl is called Kohl's minor daughter?

***

Sean Connery was in Japan and shortly after a substantial earthquake, an interviewer

asked him: "Were you frightened?  Did you panic?" 

The unflappable Bond replied,

"Shaken, but not stirred."

A few years ago the waters in the Gulf of Mexico were full of rafters. This fall in Texas the rafters were full of water and the Texas land investors were experiencing lots of liquidity.

Try not to look at the dockside; you may have always wanted a sunken livingroom. There are quite a few openings in Texas real estate

up-raisers.  If you are ready to reef finance, you might want to take

advantage of inflation by arranging balloon payments, but you may have to float alone...and then Gary Hallock continued to write these tidbits that he says he's been religion to share:

HIS GRACE UNDER FIRE

Due to failing health, the Pope has been touring less in recent years.

Anxious to stay in touch with his far-flung flock, John Paul II reluctantly consented to be interviewed on a few popular television shows.  Because of

limited studio facilities, Robin Leach and Peter Jennings were forced to share the same interview.  This resulted in a slight confusion for the translator who listed the program in the TV schedule as "Robin, Peter to Papal."

Hugh Brown tells me he's working on a big Broadway musical

about Oliver North selling his soul to the Devil, but the Devil won't pay off.  He calls it,

"Hell owed Ollie"

Speak of the Devil, I was so worried about my receding hairline I made a deal with him. He promised that if I ever go bald, he'd make it grow

back.  So now I have adopted a devil make hair attitude even though I know someday there'll be Hell toupee.

Excerpted from the archives of my chronically "late" newsletter, PUN

INTENDED")

***

Did you hear about the chef who became very emulsional about his new salad dressing?

***

More from the P. U. N. Y. Riddles

Alan Combs asks,

What do you call the propensity to continually shoot oneself in the

back of the foot? 

Achilles tendency.

Gary Hallock asks,

What is it called when you arrange a romantic rendezvous with your

eye doctor?

An Optometryst

David Bunch asks,

What medication do you give a sneezing snake?

An anti-hiss-tamine.

Stan Kegel asks if

Lawrence Olivier played Hamlet,

Lon Chaney Jr. played the son of the Wolfman,

Yul Brynner played the King of Siam, and

Jimmy Stewart played Elwood P. Dowd, would you have?

The Heir apparent,

A hairy parent,

No hair apparent, and

No hare apparent.

And one more from Gary Hallock, who asks, What famous explorer could not go for 24 hours without committing some sort of wretched word play? Puns Daily On.

What metaphor describes young lovers drinking champagne?

Stan Kegel tells us that they're

Like Sips that Passion Night.

Tiff Wimberley asks;

What do you call an itinerant violinist on horseback?

A Fiddler on the Hoof.

Have you visited www.conjunctivitis.com?

It's a site for sore eyes, says Ninad Wagle.

***

If corporate mergers pass the regulatory bodies Alan Brisco says

Xerox and Wurlitzer would make reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: will be

called - - Fairwell Honeychild.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: will be

called - - Poly-Warner-Cracker.

W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Hale Business

Systems:  will be called - - - -

Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: - - - - Honey, I'm Home

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women: - - - - - Knott NOW!

***

For a punster, a straight line is the shortest distance between two

disappoints.

A new sperm bank just opened on the outsquirts of town. I saw an armored truck delivering some large barrels through their back door. They were labeled "Progenitor in a Drum."

A very small alien space ship lands beside a large bottle of coke. A

little green man climbs out and says to the bottle.

"Take me, you're two litre."

A tortoise goes into a restaurant and orders a bowl of turtle soup. When it is served, he complains. "Waiter, there's a hare in my soup!"

"Here," replies the waiter, "better have some ketchup."

When a satellite dies, the newspaper publishes a notice in the "Orbituary."

Borrow my library book for as long as you like, but just don't overdue it.

***

 and we are looking forward to being with you in February with love.

Happy New Year!

Volume 20, January 1999

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Desktop stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email is normangilbert@home.com

The web @ http://www.punpunpun.com/              

February 1999

We begin this, the month of love with this, a Valentine message from David to his wife Leslie. (Please bare with us if you can't humerus!)

Love's Body or, A Little Ribbing Never Hurt, by David Cohen

  Make no bones about it, ear I met Leslie, I was just trying to finger out the ankles, to get a leg up on the mystery of l'armour.  (Uvulamour differently when young and naive than when older and mature.)  Then I met my madchin Leslie, a titillating eyeful and a bit of a teeth, with her tight genes showing her hairedity.

 For me, it was lobe at first sight, like Cupid, the little archer, had struck home.  (I suppose I am being cornea than necessary.)

   At first, she seemed to thumb her nose with feigned disinterest. Naveltheless, I figured it was no folli c'ling [1] her bluff, but I would have to use a soft cell.  And I was right; things soon heated up, with us all thighs and whispers, not to mention the necking.

With a naturalymphasis on tasty notions,

   I imagined my female companion, not just as a pal but as a palate.  It was a pinnacle of experience.  Chest thinking about it makes me tingle. 

  Anyway, I wondered who was teaching whom?  I was learning, but as a more than willing pupil, I tried to whisker off her feet. What guts, what gumtion!  Are you hip? We were having a ball, playing like the proverbial deer and antelope at hormone the range.  Friends, suspecting more than innocent tendoncies would mumble about ovaryaction and behavior being too rash, especially since this was surely a templary fling; and, as their heartfelt concerns became more urgent, they would get feisty, even testi, c'ling [2] out: "This is pitiful! "  They're acting like boobs."

   This put a new wrinkle on our situation.  It seems like they were calling us nuts?   Oh well, if they can't diagnose ya, they're bound to labia!  Being labeled is one thing, but we imagined that they were against us rather than pore us, that they were even  foreskinning us alive.   Yet upon further reflection, I figured they had no malleus aforethought.  It was cruel kindness, buttocksymorons are not my forte.  Actually, we were pretty tolerant of the criticism; you might say this duodenum [3]  more justice than they deserved!

   Now this brainy and nubile gal could also deliver, mixing food and food for thought, for example, a spine-tingling discussion of Ian Phlegming over a candle-lit dinner of breast of veal scalpini, with Wagner's Ring of the Nipplelungen in the background, or deep questions of a sementic nature, you know, like tibia or not tibia. I really had to bone up on my philosophy to nail down that Hamlettian question!

   Sometimes we just drank a lot of beardebating political questions, taking anti- or pro-state positions. We all have kneeds for lashting relationships, for shouldering responsiblity, not palming them off or paying them mere lip service. Knowing that it is easier to destroy relationships than to erectum, I realized that, come heel or high water, I was committed for always, especially after she toed me she loved me.

   So, knuckling under (though hardly brow-beaten), I wristed control of my destiny.  And, ever since, hand in hand, in love we have traveled, our joint venture secure.

  I really appreciate urinedulgence while, tongue in cheek, I have elbowed through this connective tissue of tortured conceits.  It would thus be a shin to continue in the same vein, sin ew all so patient, though with barely the stomach for this hair-brained narrative.  A peculiar message like this will, after a while, surely compel visual signs of anguish.

   Lest I risk carrying all this too far, with some of you taking stern umbrage, others getting crotchity and trying to muscle me out and keeping in mind that responsibility for this silliness should be placed neither on friends neur on circumstances but on oneself:

        I'll calve into pressure; you've no need to ask

        And head back right now to the requisite task

        With no butts about it, I'll waist no more time,

        And finish this outrage with innocent rhyme.

Does this Valentine message disprove the adage that the penis mightier than the sword?

These are foot notes [1]  folly, calling [2]  testy, calling [3]  duo did 'em.

***

Cory Madsen comments that being burned at the stake is a very rare experience. (This one isn't well done, I know.)

***

Brent Eades, from Almonte, Ontario tells us that a paleontologist was working late one night in his tent at a dig site in  Northern Iraq, where he was unearthing a rare dinosaur skeleton. Hearing furtive sounds near the tent, he slipped out and spied a pair of thieves attempting to make off with valuable tools.  Grabbing the nearest weapon at hand -- a huge fossilized femur -- he leapt on the robbers and thrashed them senseless.  Once they were hogtied he radioed for help. The police who answered his call were lavish in their praise for his courage and resourcefulness. But the paleontologist would have none of it. He said, "It was nothing, really -- just a simple matter of stilling two Kurds with one bone".

From the Hallock Entity:

The hippie couple was somewhat distressed that their son didn't also turn out to be a flower child, "Some daisy disappoints us, but he's still orchid, and we love him."

Gary's daffynitions:

•·       GAZEBO: A cross between a gazelle, zebra and a hippo.

•·       STOCK TICKER: Some sort of bovine parasite.

•·       VENISON: A term of in deer meat.

***

•·       An ardent swain asks his dentist's hygienist out FLOURIDATE, suggests Cynthia  MacGregor.

***

Twisted Sayings

•·       Dyslexics have more fnu.

•·       Clones are people, two.

•·       Entropy isn't what it used to be.

•·       Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

•·       Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

•·       Eschew obfuscation.

•·       186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

•·       Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

•·       Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

•·       Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

•·       Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

•·       Editing is a rewording activity.

•·       Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

•·       I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

•·       My reality check just bounced.

•·       What if there were no hypothetical questions?

•·       Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

•·       No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work  anyway.

•·       Boycott shampoo...  Demand REAL poo!

•·       IRS  - Be audit you can be.

***

FORWARD MARCH

Volume 20, February 1999

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Desktop stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email is normangilbert@home.comOn the web @ www.punpunpun.com

February 1999

We begin this, the month of love with this, a Valentine message from David to his wife Leslie. (Please bare with us if you can't humerus!)

Love's Body or, A Little Ribbing Never Hurt, by David Cohen

  Make no bones about it, ear I met Leslie, I was just trying to finger out the ankles, to get a leg up on the mystery of l'armour.  (Uvulamour differently when young and naive than when older and mature.)  Then I met my madchin Leslie, a titillating eyeful and a bit of a teeth, with her tight genes showing her hairedity.

 For me, it was lobe at first sight, like Cupid, the little archer, had struck home.  (I suppose I am being cornea than necessary.)

   At first, she seemed to thumb her nose with feigned disinterest. Naveltheless, I figured it was no folli c'ling [1] her bluff, but I would have to use a soft cell.  And I was right; things soon heated up, with us all thighs and whispers, not to mention the necking.

With a naturalymphasis on tasty notions,

   I imagined my female companion, not just as a pal but as a palate.  It was a pinnacle of experience.  Chest thinking about it makes me tingle. 

  Anyway, I wondered who was teaching whom?  I was learning, but as a more than willing pupil, I tried to whisker off her feet. What guts, what gumtion!  Are you hip? We were having a ball, playing like the proverbial deer and antelope at hormone the range.  Friends, suspecting more than innocent tendoncies would mumble about ovaryaction and behavior being too rash, especially since this was surely a templary fling; and, as their heartfelt concerns became more urgent, they would get feisty, even testi, c'ling [2] out: "This is pitiful! "  They're acting like boobs."

   This put a new wrinkle on our situation.  It seems like they were calling us nuts?   Oh well, if they can't diagnose ya, they're bound to labia!  Being labeled is one thing, but we imagined that they were against us rather than pore us, that they were even  foreskinning us alive.   Yet upon further reflection, I figured they had no malleus aforethought.  It was cruel kindness, buttocksymorons are not my forte.  Actually, we were pretty tolerant of the criticism; you might say this duodenum [3]  more justice than they deserved!

   Now this brainy and nubile gal could also deliver, mixing food and food for thought, for example, a spine-tingling discussion of Ian Phlegming over a candle-lit dinner of breast of veal scalpini, with Wagner's Ring of the Nipplelungen in the background, or deep questions of a sementic nature, you know, like tibia or not tibia. I really had to bone up on my philosophy to nail down that Hamlettian question!

   Sometimes we just drank a lot of beardebating political questions, taking anti- or pro-state positions. We all have kneeds for lashting relationships, for shouldering responsiblity, not palming them off or paying them mere lip service. Knowing that it is easier to destroy relationships than to erectum, I realized that, come heel or high water, I was committed for always, especially after she toed me she loved me.

   So, knuckling under (though hardly brow-beaten), I wristed control of my destiny.  And, ever since, hand in hand, in love we have traveled, our joint venture secure.

  I really appreciate urinedulgence while, tongue in cheek, I have elbowed through this connective tissue of tortured conceits.  It would thus be a shin to continue in the same vein, sin ew all so patient, though with barely the stomach for this hair-brained narrative.  A peculiar message like this will, after a while, surely compel visual signs of anguish.

   Lest I risk carrying all this too far, with some of you taking stern umbrage, others getting crotchity and trying to muscle me out and keeping in mind that responsibility for this silliness should be placed neither on friends neur on circumstances but on oneself:

        I'll calve into pressure; you've no need to ask

        And head back right now to the requisite task

        With no butts about it, I'll waist no more time,

        And finish this outrage with innocent rhyme.

Does this Valentine message disprove the adage that the penis mightier than the sword?

These are foot notes [1]  folly, calling [2]  testy, calling [3]  duo did 'em.

***

Cory Madsen comments that being burned at the stake is a very rare experience. (This one isn't well done, I know.)

***

Brent Eades, from Almonte, Ontario tells us that a paleontologist was working late one night in his tent at a dig site in  Northern Iraq, where he was unearthing a rare dinosaur skeleton. Hearing furtive sounds near the tent, he slipped out and spied a pair of thieves attempting to make off with valuable tools.  Grabbing the nearest weapon at hand -- a huge fossilized femur -- he leapt on the robbers and thrashed them senseless.  Once they were hogtied he radioed for help. The police who answered his call were lavish in their praise for his courage and resourcefulness. But the paleontologist would have none of it. He said, "It was nothing, really -- just a simple matter of stilling two Kurds with one bone".

From the Hallock Entity:

The hippie couple was somewhat distressed that their son didn't also turn out to be a flower child, "Some daisy disappoints us, but he's still orchid, and we love him."

Gary's daffynitions:

•·       GAZEBO: A cross between a gazelle, zebra and a hippo.

•·       STOCK TICKER: Some sort of bovine parasite.

•·       VENISON: A term of in deer meat.

***

•·       An ardent swain asks his dentist's hygienist out FLOURIDATE, suggests Cynthia  MacGregor.

***

Twisted Sayings

•·       Dyslexics have more fnu.

•·       Clones are people, two.

•·       Entropy isn't what it used to be.

•·       Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

•·       Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

•·       Eschew obfuscation.

•·       186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

•·       Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

•·       Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

•·       Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

•·       Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

•·       Editing is a rewording activity.

•·       Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

•·       I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

•·       My reality check just bounced.

•·       What if there were no hypothetical questions?

•·       Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

•·       No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work  anyway.

•·       Boycott shampoo...  Demand REAL poo!

•·       IRS  - Be audit you can be.

***

FORWARD MARCH

Volume 20, February 1999

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Desktop stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email is normangilbert@home.comOn the web @ www.punpunpun.com

February 1999

We begin this, the month of love with this, a Valentine message from David to his wife Leslie. (Please bare with us if you can't humerus!)

Love's Body or, A Little Ribbing Never Hurt, by David Cohen

  Make no bones about it, ear I met Leslie, I was just trying to finger out the ankles, to get a leg up on the mystery of l'armour.  (Uvulamour differently when young and naive than when older and mature.)  Then I met my madchin Leslie, a titillating eyeful and a bit of a teeth, with her tight genes showing her hairedity.

 For me, it was lobe at first sight, like Cupid, the little archer, had struck home.  (I suppose I am being cornea than necessary.)

   At first, she seemed to thumb her nose with feigned disinterest. Naveltheless, I figured it was no folli c'ling [1] her bluff, but I would have to use a soft cell.  And I was right; things soon heated up, with us all thighs and whispers, not to mention the necking.

With a naturalymphasis on tasty notions,

   I imagined my female companion, not just as a pal but as a palate.  It was a pinnacle of experience.  Chest thinking about it makes me tingle. 

  Anyway, I wondered who was teaching whom?  I was learning, but as a more than willing pupil, I tried to whisker off her feet. What guts, what gumtion!  Are you hip? We were having a ball, playing like the proverbial deer and antelope at hormone the range.  Friends, suspecting more than innocent tendoncies would mumble about ovaryaction and behavior being too rash, especially since this was surely a templary fling; and, as their heartfelt concerns became more urgent, they would get feisty, even testi, c'ling [2] out: "This is pitiful! "  They're acting like boobs."

   This put a new wrinkle on our situation.  It seems like they were calling us nuts?   Oh well, if they can't diagnose ya, they're bound to labia!  Being labeled is one thing, but we imagined that they were against us rather than pore us, that they were even  foreskinning us alive.   Yet upon further reflection, I figured they had no malleus aforethought.  It was cruel kindness, buttocksymorons are not my forte.  Actually, we were pretty tolerant of the criticism; you might say this duodenum [3]  more justice than they deserved!

   Now this brainy and nubile gal could also deliver, mixing food and food for thought, for example, a spine-tingling discussion of Ian Phlegming over a candle-lit dinner of breast of veal scalpini, with Wagner's Ring of the Nipplelungen in the background, or deep questions of a sementic nature, you know, like tibia or not tibia. I really had to bone up on my philosophy to nail down that Hamlettian question!

   Sometimes we just drank a lot of beardebating political questions, taking anti- or pro-state positions. We all have kneeds for lashting relationships, for shouldering responsiblity, not palming them off or paying them mere lip service. Knowing that it is easier to destroy relationships than to erectum, I realized that, come heel or high water, I was committed for always, especially after she toed me she loved me.

   So, knuckling under (though hardly brow-beaten), I wristed control of my destiny.  And, ever since, hand in hand, in love we have traveled, our joint venture secure.

  I really appreciate urinedulgence while, tongue in cheek, I have elbowed through this connective tissue of tortured conceits.  It would thus be a shin to continue in the same vein, sin ew all so patient, though with barely the stomach for this hair-brained narrative.  A peculiar message like this will, after a while, surely compel visual signs of anguish.

   Lest I risk carrying all this too far, with some of you taking stern umbrage, others getting crotchity and trying to muscle me out and keeping in mind that responsibility for this silliness should be placed neither on friends neur on circumstances but on oneself:

        I'll calve into pressure; you've no need to ask

        And head back right now to the requisite task

        With no butts about it, I'll waist no more time,

        And finish this outrage with innocent rhyme.

Does this Valentine message disprove the adage that the penis mightier than the sword?

These are foot notes [1]  folly, calling [2]  testy, calling [3]  duo did 'em.

***

Cory Madsen comments that being burned at the stake is a very rare experience. (This one isn't well done, I know.)

***

Brent Eades, from Almonte, Ontario tells us that a paleontologist was working late one night in his tent at a dig site in  Northern Iraq, where he was unearthing a rare dinosaur skeleton. Hearing furtive sounds near the tent, he slipped out and spied a pair of thieves attempting to make off with valuable tools.  Grabbing the nearest weapon at hand -- a huge fossilized femur -- he leapt on the robbers and thrashed them senseless.  Once they were hogtied he radioed for help. The police who answered his call were lavish in their praise for his courage and resourcefulness. But the paleontologist would have none of it. He said, "It was nothing, really -- just a simple matter of stilling two Kurds with one bone".

From the Hallock Entity:

The hippie couple was somewhat distressed that their son didn't also turn out to be a flower child, "Some daisy disappoints us, but he's still orchid, and we love him."

Gary's daffynitions:

•·       GAZEBO: A cross between a gazelle, zebra and a hippo.

•·       STOCK TICKER: Some sort of bovine parasite.

•·       VENISON: A term of in deer meat.

***

•·       An ardent swain asks his dentist's hygienist out FLOURIDATE, suggests Cynthia  MacGregor.

***

Twisted Sayings

•·       Dyslexics have more fnu.

•·       Clones are people, two.

•·       Entropy isn't what it used to be.

•·       Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

•·       Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

•·       Eschew obfuscation.

•·       186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

•·       Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

•·       Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

•·       Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

•·       Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

•·       Editing is a rewording activity.

•·       Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

•·       I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

•·       My reality check just bounced.

•·       What if there were no hypothetical questions?

•·       Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

•·       No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work  anyway.

•·       Boycott shampoo...  Demand REAL poo!

•·       IRS  - Be audit you can be.

***

FORWARD MARCH

Volume 20, February 1999

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership in the ISTPF is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Desktop stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation, Box 5040, Station A, Toronto, Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email is normangilbert@home.comOn the web @ www.punpunpun.com

May 1999

FOR A MEDIA RELIEF:

22st Annual O.Henry Pun-Off World Championships, Austin, Texas.

The 22st Annual O.Henry Pun-Off World Championships featured some 40- odd WHIRLED classy punsters sharing their DIZZYS with an appreciative crowd who had no VERTIGO to get away from it. Although several challengers arrived from altered states, Central Texas remains the home of the world's most rank word butchers. In their respective

competitions on Sunday in the back yard of The O.Henry Museum.

Jim Hahn of Waco and Alex Ramirez of Austin took top honors.

Although there were a PHEROMONE of women in competition this year, the contest

is now HIS STORY. Longtime contestant Alex Ramirez (and second place finisher in 1998) finally arrived at the top of the heap in the High-Lies & Low Puns battle against his nemesis, the formidable female, Dale Beebe Farrow.

In the final round each participant in turn was allowed 5 seconds to

deliver puns on a specific topic. The final topic was "Cars & Trucks" which left everyone with AUTOMOTIVE to leave RUNNING BORED.

Large "topic cards" were placed on stage where each contestant could

select a card and hold it up where only the audience could view it.

The audience was asked to decide which topic would be battled uPUN by voting with applause.

If you're wondering how we choose our winners in PUNNIEST OF SHOW,

this is how we guitar picks. The panel of 4 celebrity judges is asked to rank each contestant according to how rank are their puns. Our panel this year consisted of Jimmy Maas of KLBJ-AM radio, Popular local comedians Jana Williams, and Amos Ewing and of course Shannon Sedwick, from the

locally infamous comedy ensemble known as Esther's Follies.

Jim Hahn, who took 3rd place in the same event (Punniest of Show) in 1996 came back aGRAIN to BARLEY squeeze out two other finalists with his RYE humor in the freestyle format.

In PUNNIEST OF SHOW, each judge is allowed to rate performers on a scale of 1-10. Out of a possible 40 points, Hahn and Stankiewicz both scored a 37 and the tie was broken by audience applause. Hahn's winning wordplay was woven into a hard boiled detective story.

A collection of Automobile puns USED CAR LOTTA'S talents well. Third place was captured by the Arkansas traveler, Tiffany Wimberly who finished only a single point behind them both with an awesome volley of puns incorporating the names of Texas cities.

First place finishers receive a trophy resembling the south end of a quarterhorse which of course has two-bits in the front but only travels half-fast.

Second and third place finishers go home wearing medallions for which they will take plenty of RIBBON from their dePENDANTS.

Joel McColl returned for his 14th year as Host/emcee.

Multi-time winner of both competitions, Steve Brooks returned to competition this year in PUNNIEST OF SHOW, while continuing to serve on the emcee panel for the second half of the show.

Pun-0ff producer/emcee Gary Hallock warmed up the judges with a sample of his award winning PUNNIEST OF SHOW entry from 10 years ago.

The ANNUAL O.HENRY PUN-OFF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS is a co-production of;

•·       The City of Austin Parks and Recreation Department (PARD)

•·       The Friends of the O.Henry Museum (a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization.

•·       P.U.N.Y. (Punsters United Nearly Yearly) also a nun-prophet organ donor.

1999 WINNERS IN "PUNNIEST OF SHOW"

(1st place) - Jim Hahn, Waco, TX (2nd place) - Carlotta Stankiewicz

(3rd place) - Tiffany Wimberly  Lafayette, Arkansas

1999 WINNERS IN "HIGH-LIES & LOW-PUNS"

(1st place) - Alex Ramirez   

(2nd place) - Dale Bebee Farrow

(3rd place - tie) - Patrick Hester

(3rd place - tie) - Paul Mott  

JUDGES were, Jimmy (The Neck) Maas  - KLBJ-AM radio, Amos Ewing - Comedian, Shannon Sedwick - Esther's Follies, and Jana Williams

EMCEES were Joel McColl , Gary Hallock, and Steve Brooks.

Museum Curator - Valerie Bennett

Museum Website http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/parks/ohenry.htm

***

Below is the TEXt AS Tiffany Wimberly presented it to the World.

My husband and I first thought about coming to the Pun-Off in mid-April but we weren't sure  we could afford it because we were DEEP IN THE HEART OF TAXES. 

But my husband said, "Let's go for it!" So, here we are. 

We flew into San Antonio where we rented our car at the Alamo.  Now, the Alamo, there's a FORT WORTH seeing! We did a lot of driving between San Antonio and Austin but we barely made a DENTON Texas because it is such a large state and we were both really impressed with how KILLEEN it is.

We did have to dodge a lot of those "Texas speedbumps" because we could never HARMADILLO by running over one.  We drove for what seemed like an eTRINITY and finally made it into Austin where our first stop was the

Driskill Hotel...we walked in and I said to my husband, "ODESSA a nice place!"  I hear they have the extra-long beds WICHITAll Texan could FALL into but the rates were a little AUSTINtatious for our budget  so, we checked into a PLANO motel instead.  It was nothing much but in the rooms there was this saffron-colored loungewear which we presumed were the YELLOW ROBES OF TEXAS. 

Last night we had dinner at a restaurant where they tried to serve me venison.  I said, "Yuck, there is no way I am going to eat deer meat!"  And the waiter said, "You shouldn't NACOGDOCHES because you haven't tried it yet!

After the pun-off, I'm going to the Congress Avenue Bridge to watch the free-tail bats emerge, and you can bet ABILENing over the side of the bridge to get pictures.

There is so much to do here, you just gotta LUBBOCK!  And I know once I leave here, I'll be MISSION Texas.

I was little nervous getting up here at first but LUCKENBACH I'm glad I did it.  And being from Arkansas, I wanted to butter y'all up with Texas puns because I didn't want to be Texas toast. 

Well, I MESQUITE going!  Thanks, I had a RIO GRANDE time!

Amaryillis glad to have been able to have herd this tale. You too?

***

As the fire fly said when he backed into a fan, "I'm delighted..." to bring you some more extensions of the defrocked priest detailed here for us by Chuck Loughran:

Is a congressman dismembered?

Is a hairdresser distressed?

Is a mannequin disfigured?

Is a single woman dismissed?

Is a German banker demarked?

Bill Rudder says, "If at first you don't succeed...forget skydiving."

***

Overheard at the patisserie:

Bakery Clerk: Sir, will you please stop joking around and decide what you want.

French Comedian: How about a little French Shtick?

Clerk:  Oui! Baguette?

French Comedian: That's not necessary, I'll just eat it on the way home. 

***

As we approach summer we heed the words of The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association, headed up by Bruce Wolfson, which say:

"Support your right to bare arms!"

***

And what are you June next month?

***

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine.

There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 20 May 1999

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Deskstuff and full time critic:RosannaBorgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to normangilbert@home.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com

June 1999

Gary Roma, a filmmaker and comedian from Waltham MA, sends us "LOVE LETTERS." We are comp held to share it.

Love Letters by Gary Roma.

Words are but lucky letters.                            How do letters get lucky? They go to bars. Let's have a look.

     A consonant goes into a bar and sits down next to a vowel. "Hi!" he says."Have you ever been here before?"

"Of cursive," she replies. "I come here, like, all the time."

He can tell from her accent (which is kind acute) that she is a Vowelly Girl.

'She sure is a cipher sore i's!' thinks the consonantal dude. He remains stationery,

enveloped by her charm. His initial reaction is so pro-nounced, he doesn't know what to say. He is, at present, tense. "You've a lovely set of ... teeth," he sputters.

 "Do you Crush with breast--I mean, do you brush with Crest?"

"Oh my god, gag me with a spoonerism! Your mind is in the guttural, fer sure!"

Admiring her figure of speech, he falls into a fantasy. He pictures a perfect wedding: they exchange wedding vowels.

The minister says, "I now pronouns you husband and wife."

They kiss each other on the ellipsis.

"I love you, noun forever, " he whispers.

The conjugation is in tiers. (In a word, they are wed.) He awakens from his daydream and proposes a dance. She declines.

"Then would you like a beer? Alcohol the bartender--"

"I bitter not," she says, falling silent. Ferment there, she looks like she's going to bee [sic].

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"I'm, like, under a lot of stress...I've got a yeast inflection."

"I knew something was brewing." He calls the bartender. "Listen, bud, my

beer is warm." The bartender takes the bottle and empties it into the sink. The consonantal dude watches his hops go down the drain.

"Let's go outside," he says to her. "I'd like to have a word with you."

"Are you prepositioning me?"

"I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition."

"Oh my god, you're like, such a boldfaced character!"

"I see your point. But I'm font of you. C'mon, let's go."

"Do I have to spell it out to you? You're not my type, so get off my case!"

Reluctantly, he decides to letter b. "Now my evening lies in runes," he laments. He leaves, hoping to have letter luck next time.

***

PUNSTERS UNITED NEARLY YEARLY have posed these riddles recently, and smiled cheesily as the conundrummers gave the ants sirs. Stan Kegel delivered them from the web. (The Authors are in parenthesis)

•·      Why is the Pittsburgh police force so large?

Because many people make                  iron and steal.

    (Cynthia MacGregor )

•·      Where did mice and rats go to drink during Prohibition. A squeakeasy.

•·      What do you call the art of erotic paperfolding?

Origasmi. .

•·      What is the brand name of the suppository version

of the performance-       enhancing drug used by space travelers?

Ass-Steroids

 (Gary Hallock)

•·      Where do fish spend their summer vacation? .  Martha's Finyard

(Cynthia MacGregor)

***

Here are some of Warren Allen's wordplays. There are several. You may say these were Warren's pieces.

Social event of the season?

That would be Dayton Ohio.

And I suppose that the lumberjack's favorite chinese food is chop suey, eaten with chopsticks, riding to the restaurant on his chopper.

Some people might say that every Japanese person owns a

Sony Walkman, but that's

just a stereo type.

I'm considering sunbathing in the nude.  Dare I air?

He was having a garlicky lunch, so when I called him, I got his voice-smell.

Horse thieves mustang!

The bald man trying to decide whether to treat his condition has a why toupee problem.

***

Chaz Miller  asks,

"Can an anarchist have prostate cancer?"

***

Lewis O'Brien borrowed this from a corn farmer. He says this is owed to a scarecrow so here is Lewis's 

Ode to a Scarecrow:

"Hay be seedy, effigy, age-eyed jakey lemon-yellow man. O peek you! Arrestee! You've double! You ex-wise he!"

***

Leo Munro suggests that he not "WREAK YOUR WEEK,   but your typist made an error:  you should letter have a longer spell in REYKJAVÍK.

And, as we say here in Iceland: "Take care!  Young lavas!" and then he asks,

"Is your wife a grass widow if you leave her a lawn?"

***

From Chuck Loughran comes

some more extensions of the defrocked:

•·      Is a Knight desired?

•·      Is an autograph hound designed?

•·      Is a plumber explunged?

•·      Is an electrician delighted?

***

Ivan.Arrington says we should know that God didn't actually tell Noah that there was a

flood coming.  Instead,

he sent Gabriel, his ark angel.

This one could kill you. San Diego Mayor Susan Golding was heard to say that the environmentalists for capital punishment (EFCP)  recently picketed her offices because they wanted a solar powered electric chair.

***

Sidney Soanes adds to the firefly story on the back page of the May PUNDIT,

"..when the firely backed into  the fan, he said:

"I am de-lighted  - no end!"  But this is!

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine.

There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 20 June 1999

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Deskstuff and full time critic:RosannaBorgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to normangilbert@home.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com

July 1999

The July and August issues of the Pundit will feature many of the concealed web puns of the International Save the Pun Foundation which could be found where Noah kept his bees, namely in the Ark Hives.

:)

A sign on the cube wall of a network engineer; 1 if by LAN, 2 if by c:\

:)

Sign on a maternity ward door,

"Push, Push, Push."

:)

The principal part of a horse is the mane, of course.

:)

A while back there was a lot of press about a coprolite (fossil feces)

that was 17 inches long by 5 inches by 6 inches, 65 million years old, with chopped up dinosaur bone in it. It was announced by paleontologists that it was probably from a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The Vertebrate Paleontology librarian at the Smithsonian, Bob Purdy, was quoted by Dr Thomas

Holtz as saying that they determined it was from T. Rex by a process of elimination. ( thanx to Judy Molnar)

:)

Dr. Wes Perusek has a whey with puns. When you get your picture taken think of these.

• Provolone: Not like a crowd
• Muenster: Big and ugly
• Limburger: Tree climbing thief
• Curds: Angry people
• Cheesed off: Angry curds
• "Say cheese!" Picture of angry curds.

:)

Overheard in an INTERNET CAFE,

"My name is Mickey, I will be your surfer today, and here are some Maxims for the Internet Age picked off the web."

• 'Ome is where you 'ang your @.
• The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
• A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
• Don't byte off more than you can view.
• A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
• Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

:)

Doctor: "You have what looks like lettuce coming out of your ear!"

Patient: "Is that serious?"

Doctor: "It could be just the tip of the iceberg!"

:)

Kai Ottesen says,

"Genealogy is relative."

:)

My personal trainer wants me to work out hard on my stomach muscles. He calls these exercises crunches, sit -ups, twists, and stretches; but I call them abominables.

:)

I'll never forget what's his name!

:)

Have you seen the new soap opera on TV about a psychiatrist who changed his specialty to the field of respiratory ailments? It's called,

The Jung and The Breathless.

:)

Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow is a mystery.

Today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.

James M. Hotchkiss, a California guy, said,"I'm ready to join the 21^st Century. I have ordered my first modem. Now I can surf the web on the net. One problem looms, however. The Queen has decreed that all serfs were to clean all webs from all the serfaces. That would be a net loss for me."

:)

KNOW MORE MISSED ACHES!

I have a spelling checker

It came with my PC.

It plainly marks four my revue

Missed aches I cannot sea.

I've run this poem threw it,

I'm sure your please to no.

It's letter perfect in its way;

My checker tolled me sew.

(Cathy Anderson)

:)

To the dogs with Lewis O'Brien.

•·       If you cross a Kerry Blue Terrier with a Skye Terrier you get a Blue Skye. That's a dog for visionaries.

•·       If you cross a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound, you get a Newfound Asset, a dog for financial advisors.

•·       When you cross a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund you get a

Pyradachs, a puzzling breed indeed.

•·       Here is a breed of dog that is truly man's best friend.

It's a cross between a Deerhound         and aTerrier.

The Derriere is a dog that's true to the end.

•·       If you cross a Pekinese with a Lhasa Apso you get a

Pekasso, an abstract dog.

...and Y2K9s like these would get together is a problem.

If a Bloodhound is crossed with a Labrador you get a Blabador. That's a dog that barks incessantly.

:):):)

^{This may not count as a "pun" but it sure is a playing wtih words. It comes off the net and it needs to be shared with all . It's from "The JokeMeister"  You can visit him at} JokeMeister@TheComputer.com

What Do You Do?

^{A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well, rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation. "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer - and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question. She had just returned  from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation, Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are you just a . . . ?"}

^{"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."}

^{"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation. 'Housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.}

^{I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.}

^{The Clerk asked: "And what is your occupation?"}

^{What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out.}

^{"I'm...a Research Associate in the  field of Child Development and Human Relations."}

^{The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous}

^{pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.}

^{"Might I ask," said the clerk with new  interest, "just what you do in your field?"}

^{Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I  have a continuing program of research [what mother doesn't] in the laboratory and in the field [normally I would have said indoors and out]. I'm working for my Masters [the whole family] and already have four credits [all daughters]. Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities [any mother care to disagree?] and I often work 14 hours a day [24 is more like it]. But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.}

^{As I drove into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, my lab assistants greeted me - age 13, 7, and 3. And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. And I  had gone down on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another. . *"}

^:):):)

The World Wide Web in Israel has gone BARAK. The NET and YAHOO have been LIKUD.

:)

Ron McLean, on Hockey Night in Canada, made a wonderful pun that begs sharing: He was comparing Don Cherry's sartorial splendor with Kelly Hrudey's duds in a very jovial manner when Don pointed out that Kelly's shirt and tie didn't rate with his.

"It was just premature jacket elation!" Ron punned.

:)

It was a play about milk and an ice cream bar. It was called,

"The Drama Dairy" by Ima Camel.

:)

Chaz Miller tells us that Eddie Cantor opened the first ever-Japanese restaurant in New York. It was called

"IF YOU KNEW SUSHI LIKE I KNEW SUSHI."

:)

•·       Warren Allen tells us of a friend whose wig went prematurely gray. He had a white toupee problem!

•·       Warren also says that he was having a garlicky lunch. When I called him, I got his voice-smell.

•·       Doing anything for the first time can be a pain in debut.

•·       Horse thieves mustang!

•·       Hello, my name is Warren.

I run a home for rabbits.

:)

Norman Jewison's new movie is about a man named Tevye who has hiked all over the world seeking a cure for his prostate problem. It's called

"A Piddler on the Hoof."

Viagra has been on the market now for some time. It is a pleasure to report that the first child conceived during a viagarous union was born July 4th, 1999. The little guy weighed in at six pounds nine inches.

:)

Circumcision is a phallacy!

There are no holes in those darned socks.

:)

Rulers on Prozac

•·       Kublai Khalm

•·       Ivan the Bearable

•·       Richard the Nerd

•·       Anwar Sedate

:)

'Til August blows in.

A day without puns is like a day without sun .There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 20, JULY 1999

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Deskstuff and full time critic:RosannaBorgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to normangilbert@home.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com

August 1999

As the summer of '99 wanes and the 20^th century comes to a close, I start to think of the past, the present and the future of the pun.

So here is some food for thought. Let us put together the ten best-stressed puns of the past. It would be great if you, the members of the ISTPF, would send me your nomination for your favourite play on words, ever.

There are no rules, only that they need to be your favourite puns. We'll issue the TEN BEST-STRESSED PUNS of the 20^th Century on January 1^st 2000. (If this process continues to work this processor is Y2K compliant, so I have no complaints.)

That covers a part of the past.

In line with that this issue of the Pundit will continue to forward the web puns from the Ark Hives, which too, is a part the past. For the future, there will always be a pun, because paranamours everywhere will to continue to save it.

For the present then, here's August.

***

If a ram is a lamb and an ass is a donkey, why do they call a ram in the ass a goose?

***

"Sam, you made the pants too long!" she moaned, after some viagarous love making.

Bruce Wolfson tells us that,

The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:

"Support your right to bare arms!"

***

If Peter O'Toole were a gynecologist he'd have been known as

Lawrence of the Labia.

***

Lewis O'Brien says this is as easy as

A B C.  An Ode to a Scarecrow:

"Hay be seedy, effigy, age-eyed jakey lemon-yellow man. O peek you!

Arrestee! You've double! You ex-wise he!"

***

The Blue Jays of the American League know that when they hit the baseball they have Toronto first base.

***

The Nerd of the North has the solution to the problems that will seemingly fall on all computers at the turn of the century.

She will be recognizable, as she will be wearing a White toque, eh!

***

"Duck!" he shouted, as he threw his computer, which was down again.

***

How was the exodus?

Pharaoh to Middle East!

***

It dozen matter two me but what eggzactly is the reason for Easter to symbolize keeping your sunny side up 'til the holiday is ova?

***

A mangled movie starring Billy Crystal as a proctologist. He invents a non-invasive device for colo-rectal examinations, its called,

"Anal Eyes Disc"

***

Still in the theatres, but not up for an Academy Award, is this movie starring Kevin Costner as an injured  athlete whose therapy came from a member of the world's oldest profession. The name of the movie?

"Massage in a Brothel."

***

Elizabeth Shakespeare, in love, proved that she was a dutiful wife.

She often shaved Ryan's privates using his thin red spine as her guide.

***

Whoopi Goldberg, the wonderful M.C. at the Oscar ceremony, made some moving and punderful word plays. She described Robin Williams in a passionate role as a widower in the film "Wet Dreams Will Come"

***

Barbra Streisand tells us that private eyes are very fortunate, as she sings, "People, people who need peep holes,

are the luckiest people in the world."

***

I tried to get through to our Government offices today.

It was like calling the zoo during mating season.

All the lions were busy!

***

To celebrate St. Patrick's day, Paddy gave Michelle an engagement ring. It was a zircon with tiny baubles as baguettes. He was bursting with joy. He thought, "It'll be for good luck."

It was a shamrock.

***

Up to now, in Canada, Pfizer was a stock to buy. It has gone up in value, yes, but from here on, it will be harder for the Canadian male investor to sell. He should be able to hang on longer, and make it big. Viagra is now available in this Dominion. Canadian men will now be able to keep up with their neighbors to the south, without heading there.

***

A prism is where white-collar criminals are sent until they bend their rays.

A sumo-wrestling match is the greatest show on girth!

***

"Check-mate," said the Rabbi, making the play as he ate his Ruben sandwich.

The Priest acknowledged, "Good game."

It was a rye chess move.

(Life Member Dave Tozier is back.)

***

A duel 'til dawn is a sordid affair!

***

Avoidable: What a Toreador tries to do.

***

Pun, Toon, Eunice and Grinny are the starring characters of Punster of the Year Mack Rowe's book,"PunToons." We listen as they talk about their favourite food:

Eunice: Pun, why're you making a pizza?

Pun: It's a way to pasta time!

Toone: I never sausage a bad joke!

Grinny: I think I'll go visit my Aunt Chovie!

Overheard in the traffic court...

His Honor: You are sentenced to 5 years of rush hour!

Pun: But I'm a first a-fender!

His Honor: You heard me, you're in-car-cerated!

Pun: Do you know if I can have a cell phone?

Grinny: No, but if you hum a few bars I'll try!

Mack answers the question,

 "Why don't these characters have any clothes on?"

Toon: 'Cause this is a comic strip!

Pun: Yeah! We're a-buff it all!

Eunice: This is a take-off on words!

Grinny: You're all barely believable!

In another strip we hear these,

Eunice: What part of the book does the gravedigger like?

Pun: The plot.

Eunice: "How about a U Boat captain?"

Toon: "The sub plot."

Eunice: "And a sex therapist?"

Grinny: "The climax, of course."

***

A lady wakes up in a wheat field.

"I've been reaped!"

***

The Professional Golf Association is a

Tour de Fores.

These guys are good

***

When Wolfe and Montcalm did battle on the Plains of Abraham, this was overheard in the strategy tent.

First French soldier: "We were taken by a pig tree!"

Second French soldier: "I tink he means a ham bush, Sir!"

***

Have you read the proctologist's newest book? It's called,

"Polyp Friction"

***

Warren Allen says that even an educated flea would know that

Ms. Goldberg's parents spent an evening "Making Whoopi"

***

Bruce Wolfson from Yahoo sends this one for Ash Wednesday.

A farmer's son grew tired of farm life. He went away to the city and got a job polishing shoes.

Now the farmer makes hay while the son shines.

***

KID'S KORNER

Why did the chicken cross the park?

To get to the other slide.

***

Stan Kegel sends "de's" out for our delight.

Is a teacher declassified?

Is a truck driver derided?

Is a model deposed?

Is a botanist deflowered?

Is an environmentalist denatured?

Is a judge defined?

Is a seismologist defaulted?

Warren Allen says there is no debating, but he answers Stan Kegel with dese "de's".

Is a shoe salesman defeated?

Is an underwear salesman debriefed?

Is a barber departed?

Is a vintner deported?

Is an alcoholic disbarred?

Is a mattress manufacture debunked?

Average people should not be demeaned!

And the Globe and Mail, Canada's national newspaper, printed these:

Is a priest is defrocked?

Is a pant maker depressed?

Is a plumber dethroned?

Is a manicurist defiled?

Is a proctologist deterred?

Is an electrician delighted?

***

A drive in movie is a buss depot. Keeping abreast with the theme,

A lingerie shoppe is a bust depot.

***

Bob Thaves asks, "If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con', what is congress the opposite of?"

See you in September!

Volume 20, August 1999

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Deskstuff and full time critic:RosannaBorgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to normangilbert@home.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com

September 1999

The aspiring chef got the

Colander life seemed a

sieve it was no longer a strain.

...

Quasimodo, the bell ringer at Notre Dame, was taking a holiday. He checked his luggage through at Orly airfield in Paris. He decided to bring his beloved bells with him on board the flight. When asked if he wanted to send the bells, he said,

"No, these are carillon."

...

Winter was fast approaching. Two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. They checked their bags through but held on to two dead rats. The attendant noticed this and asked,

"Do you wish to check these rodents through as luggage?"

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're just carrion."

(The blame here goes to member Lewis O'Brien)

...

There was the wheat farmer whose work was always making his head hurt. He said "they are my grain headaches."

This pun (pain) is attributable to member Warren Allen.

...

This Canadian computer guy was working with windows open.

It was very cold. He was wearing a white toque, eh!

...

Armageddon tired of being filled with fear of Y2K. RN 2?

...

Weight loss junkies are snorting Sweet 'n Low.

They believe it's Diet Coke.

...

The gangplank on a pirate ship has been known as a

"Manoeuvre" board.

...

Overheard at the old folks home,

"Have you seen your citizens today?"

The hunter brought his catch, two chimpanzees, to the taxidermist. "Would you like them mounted?" asked the stuffer. "Just shaking hands would be fine!"

...

The snowstorms we are suffering are making us forsake the great outdoors for the grate indoors.

...

While in Tokyo he had a yen for some female company, but she wanted two yen.

...

In the Central Hockey League there's a team in Georgia called,

"Macon Whoopee"

...

Our letter carrier was a cross dresser. She was arrested for male fraud.

...

All *.BAT files are found in C:\BELFRY

...

Why is ballroom dancing like the Spanish Armada?

Both are navel encounters.

...

We hope that you enjoyed your

Party. Maybe even got in a little cheek to cheek dancing.

Say, isn't that a form of floor play?

...

While we're still dancing, my significant other feels that the rhumba is an asset to music.

...

A French kiss, bussed to music is

lip sinking.

...

For my complexion, I went to HTTP://http://www.dermatologu/ and

found a site for psoriasis.

...

If red wine was read whine,

would that mean you have complained to the sommelier?

...

Do you have white wine with fish? Yes!  But if you have too much it could be totter sauce.

...

Henry just returned from a vacation in Las Vegas. He went for a change and a rest. The hotel maids got the change, and the croupiers got the rest.

This just in from Marsha in Texas. Musical Advice to Christmas Shoppers:

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, and can still get gifts Faure good prices, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.

...

Did you know that Harpo Marx was a member of King Arthur's Round Table?

He was the Silent Knight

...

The consummate member of  King Arthur's court was referred to as, "Oh wholly Knight!"

...

I couldn't  be a professional!

There was no bloody way I'd be a hematologist.

I gave cardiology a start but had a change of heart.

I couldn't weather climatology.

Nor stomach gastrology.

And was bugged by enterology.

I lacked the nerve for neurology.

I was too shook up for seismology.

I had no head for phrenology.

And alas no spirit for theology.

I wanted to be a proctologist, but I failed in the end.

All right then, turn around and try urology.

I did, but I had to quit in mid stream.

...

John has a chicken farm.

There's M'egg the chicken, and her best friend Whoopee Goldbird. Both of them are in love with Shell Don the rooster.

Then there are four hens that have been de beaked. They are called the Pointless Sisters.

...

What do you call a camel with one hump?

A DROMEDARY.

And a camel with two humps?

A BACTRIAN.

Lastly a camel with no humps?

HUMPHREY!

...

•·       CORDUROY PILLOW CASES MAKE HEADLINES

•·       Is an endocrinologist's

favourite musical instrument

a hormoneica?

(Another pair 'o puns from the penpun of ISTPF member Seymour Kapetansky)

...

Animal lovers can buy dogs by the pound.

Is brain surgery considered skulled labor?

...

Sign in a tire store,

WE CHARGE FLAT RATES

...

He changed the cattle ranch and became a dairy farmer.

Business is udderly whey butter than before.

...

Eating between meals is the pause that refleshes.

...

Weightlifters heaven: the burly gates.

...

His friends gave him a sweater for his 21^st birthday.

"I would have preferred a groaner" he puntificated.

...

Sign on a nutritionist's office door,

"OVER EATING WILL MAKE YOU THICK"

...

In it's early days Penthouse Magazine was delivered by

Porno express.

...

When golfing great Harry Vardon was stricken with the flu in the first round of the U.S. open, then again in the fourth round the reporters said,

"Vardon lost the tournament due to an overlapping grippe."

...

The watchmaker is always so tired. Of course he is. He works around the clock.

...

The groom, the son of the watchmaker, could not sleep. You see, his bride, the daughter of a mattress manufacturer, kept tucking the ticking and tocking.

...

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

See you in October.

Volume 20,  September 1999

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Deskstuff and full time critic:RosannaBorgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to ngilbert@punpunpun.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com

October 1999

We begin the October issue with a thought. Here it is: Instead of  the announcement of the "Ten Best Stressed Puns of 1999" let's make it a "Millennium Type" celebration.  Would you, the members of the I.S.T.P.F, send in your votes for your very favourite word plays, be they Spoonerisms, Anagrams, Limericks, Haiku, etc. That is, any paranomasia that you have seen and enjoyed and wanted to share with Paranamours the world over. We will put together "THE BEST STRESSED PUNS OF THE 20^TH CENTURY." and tell the world via a news release on January 1^st 2000. This is a great time to put our best words forward. And now, on with the Pundit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This malaprop was taken from The Derby Abbey Community News:
"We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that, 'Mr. Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
 
                     ***

The jeweller was in the laundromat trying to remove the ring around the collar.

A colonoscopy is toot canal surgery and the Endodontist

who performs it,  is reported to be making piles of money.

***    

 "She's a mongrel," Tom muttered.

***

 Sign on the marquis of a magic show,

"DISAPPEARING NIGHTLY"

 (On coming up to Halloween, we thought some of these tricks would be a treat.) 

•·       Mummies swim in the Dead Sea.

•·       When you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern

by its circumference you get a Pumpkin Õ.

•·       The witch's favorite subject in school was spelling.

•·       Dracula water skis on Lake Erie, off course.

•·       Witches don't like to ride their brooms when they're angry because they're afraid of flying off the handle!

***

The stock market reports that even the sugar futures are taking their lumps.

***

 The rumor that an Irishman invented the microphone is purely a patent mike story.

***

His very generous gift to the bread bank could have been called a doughnation. It was because the bread bank kneaded it more than he did.

Diner: Waiter, these mussels smell offal."

Server: They are sphincter mussels, sir."

***

Columbus discovered America and Canadians celebrate by

Thanksgiving.

***

Diet advice: If you go to a drive through restaurant, you will be able to curb your appetite.

***

The professor's one remark on the essay was, "Thesis awful." 

***

Cole Porter's Knight and Day.

Was Joust One of Those Things.

***

Worry causes falling hair.

When the going gets tough, the tufts get going. 

***

She got the divorce on the grounds of incompatibility.

He lost his income, and she lost her patability.

Schubert had a horse named Sara,

He drove her to the big parade.

And all the time the band was playing

Schubert's Sara neighed.

*** 

Adolescent intercourse is a teensters' union.

***

Extramarital relations can be curiously refreshing.

One might call it sin and tonic.

***

Kate Winslet left the Titanic and she was heard to say,

"My legs are still seaworthy."

***

Two old maids went for a tramp in the woods, but he got away.

***

If you're not getting enough celery, perhaps you should invest in a few good stalks.

***

Plastic surgeon: Cosmedic.

Seduction is the art of genital persuasion.

***

In autumn one sees

Many causes for grief

Because all the trees

Stand in need of relief.

***

What makes men mean, eh?

***

My wife has just started Yoga classes. She says it's the be-all and bend all.

***

Aggression is invading the issue.

***

"My time is yore time," said the historian.

***

As school gets under way, we listen as the principal asks the new English teacher, "How long do you expect to teach?"

"From here to maternity," she conceptualized.

***

Insects are a menace to farm products. Potato bugs can ruin the potato crops. Corn borers just destroy the corn. Just think how the dairy farmers feel about butterflies.

***

The restaurateur recognized the symptoms as his customer ordered off the dairy menu. He jotted down the order and asked,

" Will that be ulcer? "

***

Steven Spielberg's recent movie has given rise to a possible sequel. Picture this: A young soldier is wounded and brought to a military hospital, a la Mash.

A beautiful young nurse prepares him for surgery while groin very fond of him. He recovers and they live happily ever after. Oh yes the movie is called, Shaving Ryan's Privates.

***

Here is an anagram that can be summed up in three to six words.

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one.

***

Daffynitions of Mad Tickle terms.

•·       Enema is the opposite of friend.

•·       Getting sick at the airport is a terminal illness.

•·       Cauterize meant that he made eye contact with her.

•·       Impotent is distinguished, well known.

•·       Medical Staff is a doctor's cane.

•·       G.I. Series is the Military Baseball Championships.

•·       Post Operative is a letter carrier.

•·       Sign in a psychiatrist's office,

"Guaranteed satisfaction or your mania back."

***

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 20,  October 1999

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Deskstuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to ngilbert@punpunpun.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com

November 1999

I am pleased to say that my call for nominations for the Best Stressed Puns of the Millennium has elicited a plethora of punderful puns.  I'm putting the finishing touches on the PUNDIT NEWS RELEASE for the BEST STRESSED PUNS OF THE 20^th CENTURY and I thank you all for your input.

Is a locust a sotto voce imprecation?

JJJ

Is a Chinese turkey a Peking Tom?

And Warren Allen asks,

•·       "If that Chinese turkey gives you indigestion, might you follow it with some Peking Tums?"

•·       Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

JJJ

Punning is such a rewording experience.

JJJ

I knew she was a gold digger, so I made her mine.

JJJ

A sign in a saloon,

THIRST COME THIRST SERVED

JJJ

Viagra is Pfizer's contribution to medical advancement. It goes from the healing of the sick, to the raising of the dead.

JJJ

I just got wind that a kite flier at the wharf on Pier 49 in San Francisco

is putting a little Viagra on his tail.

He believes that he'll be able to keep it up longer.

JJJ

Directions on the Viagra prescription:

"If at first you don't succeed, try a little ardor."

JJJ

The shingle on the examining room in the Gynecologist's office reads,

"Cervix Centre"

JJJ

"Do you understand the importance of punctuation?"

"Have you ever known me to be late?"

JJJ

In an inebriated state a man staggered into a funeral parlor. "I need a stiff drink,"he slurred.

When the undertaker explained where he was, the imbiber said,

"In that case, I'll have a bier."

He imported two diamond necklaces from Bombay.

At customs he made the declaration of Indian pendants.

JJJ

Dancing cheek to cheek is really a form of floor play.

JJJ

A hapless young man from Kilbryde

Fell into an outhouse and died

His heartbroken brother

Fell into another

And now they're interred side by side.

JJJ

The attributes

Of bathing suits

For lasses of lithesome limb

Make me inquire

If this attire

Is worn to slink or swim.

JJJ

Whether the weather is cold,

Or whether the weather is hot,

We'll weather the weather

Whatever the weather,

Whether we like it

Or knot. 

(This little ditty has been tied to an overweight specialist of the kidneys. He was a meaty urologist.)

JJJ

 One of the great sins

Is that your life is ova

Before it begins.

(From Crosbie's Book of Punned Haiku)

JJJ

Oh Teak Theam of Malaysia,

Haiku creator par excellence, offers these three-liners:

•·       It is quite a feat,

Says the blind sausage maker,

To make both ends meat.

•·       Amid the rubble

The stonemason found himself

In engrave trouble.

JJJ

Is a fjord a Norwegian automobile?

JJJ

Physically growing old but still mentally active, an aging rogue could be considered  an incurable rheumatic.

JJJ

He was always receiving requests for donations from any and all the local charities. Exasperated, he pleaded

"Please remove my name from your succour list."

JJJ

The cruise director was the sire of many offspring borne by the members of his entertainment staff.

He was a man who bred his cast upon the waters.

JJJ

 Untold wealth is that which you won't see on a tax return.

JJJ

A bachelor is a cagey guy.

He has a load of fun.

He likes to check out all the chicks,

But never Mrs. one.

JJJ

A frugal floral arrangement;

Take care of the peonies and the dahlias will take care of themselves.

The rumour that an Irishman invented the microphone is purely

a patent mike story.

JJJ

Time wounds all heels.

JJJ

Overheard in a pharmacy:

"I want some consecrated lye."

"You mean concentrated?

"It does nutmeg any difference. You know what I camphor. How much does it sulphur?"

"I never cinnamon with so much wit!"

JJJ

Most weight lifters are biceptual. 

JJJ

Dr. S.V. Soanes, member from Toronto, suggests these two meaningful oxymorons:

•·       The glass is clearly opaque.

•·       Civil war!

JJJ

A sign on a farm:

TOP SOIL FOR SALE

DIRT CHEAP

JJJ

A philosophy professor was going through his third marriage breakup.

He was heard to say, "I think I put divorce before Descartes." 

JJJ

 Vitamin for making friends? B1

JJJ

 A transvestite from Lyford-By-Tyme

When charged with a terrible crime.

Said, "Your honor, Oh No!

It cannot be so,

For I was abroad at the time."

JJJ

The municipal elections in the Welsh town of Earl Grey were in full swing.

The polls seemed to be leaning  towards the incumbent mayor.

"She's been in office since 1972 but the Earl Grey mayor she ain't what she used to be."

JJJ

What kind of doctor treats only herbivores?

A VEGETINARIAN!

JJJ

There was a young lady named Flo

Who on a crash diet did go.

She shuffled around

Without losing a pound,

Since even her fast was too slow.

JJJ

Satirists exercise by pumping

Irony.

JJJ

 Is an Archeologist a person whose career lies in ruins?

JJJ

We are pleased to announce that Lois Bidder has been promoted to our Purchasing Department.

JJJ

Signs in a fitness facility:

•·       Four bicycles, no weighting.

•·       Fat is the phase that launched a thousand hips.

•·       Dieting is the punishment you get for exceeding the feed limit.

JJJ

Is the bank account for a girdle business called a truss fund?

Or is that stretching it a bit.

A punerful limerick:

Beatrice Beebee, whose husband's named J.B.

Cried "J.B. We're having a baby!"

Said J.B., a C.B.,"Let's callher Bea,

Beebee,

Or if it's a boy, maybe Abie.

JJJ

Les Cache developed modern banking, as we know it today. Actually he borrowed the idea from two noblemen from Bohemia. So really, credit should go to a Czech King, a Count and Cache. 

JJJ

"A buccaneer" you say? "That's an awful price for corn on the cob!" In fact I asked Al Falfa the currant price on produce and he said, "Beets me." He could barely speak and had trouble raisin his voice, he was so plum tuckered out. 

JJJ

The valedictorian of Cookes School of Cooking passed her exams with

Flying crullers.

JJJ

"When I retire what will I do?" asks Stanley G. Laite of the far East of Canada. If my name was Will, I could be a lawyer. If it was Phillip, I could be a service station attendant.

If it was Grant, I could be a loan officer. Or I could be like my friends Curt and Rod who are in the drapery business. Wade could go into swimming pool maintenance, or,

 he could be like Benny, the druggist.

Whatever Stanley undertakes he'll be a winner, just like Victor.

JJJ

From "To-day's Pun":

1. How does a mason learn his trade?

By trowel and error.

2. How can a sailor feel both good and bad?

By feeling swell!

3.What do you call a lazy skier?

A slope poke!

JJJ

The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line.

JJJ

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, and try, a grin. (or a gin)

From the Kid's Korner in the Pundit comes this little query:

Little kiddle: "Who is the lady that tells tales in rhyme while all the time squeezing oranges?"

Ant sir: "Mother Juice, of course. 

JJJ

See you in December.

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 20, November 1999

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Deskstuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Proof Readr: Jean Sturdy

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to ngilbert@punpunpun.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com

December 1999

From: Tiffany Wimberly <wimbo@arkansas.net>

Subject: [puny] I found this about Eureka PO

The 14 Almost-Annual

   Humboldt County Pun-Off

   January 30

   Adorni Center

   1011 Waterfront Drive

   Eureka, CA

   Inquiries: 707 445-8841

   Unique to Humboldt County, this zany event is packed

   full of tasteless humor. If you love puns you will love

   this annual event held to determine the county's best

   punster.

   Get your tickets early as this event sells out every year. A benefit

for Easter

   Seals. $10 Advnace, $12 At Door. Call for times.

OK, Clynch . . . you started it and you'll be sorry!

What do cows do when they change pastures?

Have a mooooooving sale.

What does a cow wear when she gets married?

A white veal.

What do cows sing who attend Yale football games?

Bulla bulla

What's a cow's favorite candy?

Milky Way

Where do farmers sit to milk cows?

On one side or the udder

Why did the cows cheer when the slaughterhouse burned?

They had a real steak in the outcome

Why did the bull pick a fight with the farmer's wife?

He had a beef with her

How did cows travel across the Atlantic in 19th century ships?

Steerage

CYNful

------------------------------------------------------------------------

These came from Michelle's Joke List. She claims credit for the first one

as original.

What kind of flavored coffee do cows like?

     Mooca Cowpuccino

Do cows drink soda-pop?

     Only if it's decalfinated.

What does a farmer use to count his cows?

     A cowculator

Who is a cow's favorite astronomooer?

     Nicholai Cowpernicus

What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?

     Steer Wars

Seeing these reminded me of when I lived in New Mexico. There was a nest of

so-called "cow killer" ants behind our house. We were showing them to a

friend of ours who misunderstood and thought we were saying "calculator"

ants. He called them that for the 4 or so years we knew him, and no amount

of talking could convince him that they weren't called that.

To this day I still call them that, and I call calculators "cow-culators"

as a result.

CV

------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Reply-To: puny@egroups.com

Subject: [puny] Honest Abe?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Visit the P.U.N.Y. and O.Henry Museum websites!

 http://bounce.to/puny (http://puny.webjump.com)

 http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/parks/ohenry.htm

 eGroups: http://www.egroups.com/group/puny/info.html

-- Check out your group's private Chat room

-- http://www.egroups.com/ChatPage?listName=puny&m=1

>From lthftcr@northstar.k12.ak.us  Wed Nov 17 16:21:53 1999

Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 12:24:19 -0900

From: Tom Richards <lthftcr@northstar.k12.ak.us>

Reply-To: lthftcr@northstr.k12.ak.us

Organization: Lathrop High School, Fairbanks, Alaska 99701

X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.01a (Macintosh; I; PPC)

To: ngilbert@punpunpun.com

Subject: Dedicated to one I love

How did the veternarian's assistant respond to the question about the

gooey guaze he had in his hand as headed towards the one-eyed bird? He

said, "This is medicated for the one-eyed dove.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: The Hallock Entity <c.hallock@mail.utexas.edu>

Subject: [puny] P.U.N.Y.: RCA REPORT (Vol 6, W/ANSWERS)

P.U.N.Y.: RCA REPORT (Vol 6, W/ ANSWERS)

Here's the answers are. Thank you for waiting.

GARY (wriddle wrangler) HALLOCK

<c.hallock@mail.utexas.edu>

==================================

PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN AUTHOR/PLAYER LIST

(AUTHOR #1) The Hallock Entity <c.hallock@mail.utexas.edu>,

(AUTHOR #2) Cyn MacG <CynMacG@aol.com>,

(AUTHOR #3) SRpunster <SRpunster@aol.com>,

(AUTHOR #4) Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>,

(AUTHOR #5) Van's Camp <jsvc1@surfree.com>,

(AUTHOR #6) David Bunch <bunch_david@hotmail.com>,

(AUTHOR #7) Alan B. Combs <ACombs@mail.utexas.edu>,

(AUTHOR #8) Tiff Wimberly <wimbo@arkansas.net>,

(AUTHOR #9) Lars Hanson <parkersan@sprynet.com>,

(AUTHOR #10) Clynch Varnadore <Clynch_Varnadore@selinc.com>

==================================

(RIDDLE #11-G) by (AUTHOR #9)

(With apologies to Cyn MacG) Coming into my kitchen in the middle of

the night, I was amazed to discover the contents of my spice and herb

jars scattered across the counter. Although there was little hope of

sorting the spices and getting them back into their jars, I found that

one spice was easily retrieved from the countertop. Which one?

#### The mustered (mustard) seed.

(RIDDLE #18-H) by (AUTHOR #4)

Why did the Roman reporters rush to their papers when a Christian was

victorious at the Coliseum?

#### There were dead lions

(RIDDLE #17-F) by (AUTHOR #9)

The Chinese chef took pains to do what for his students?

#### See each one (Szechwan) cooking

(RIDDLE #57-E) by (AUTHOR #10)

How would you describe an IRS hearing?

#### Auditory

(RIDDLE #42-I) by (AUTHOR #9)

Why are inferior knight's assistants like today's business telephone directory?

#### Both are known as Ye Low Pages (Yellow Pages)

(RIDDLE #56-D) by (AUTHOR #9)

What's the difference between an angry sea bird and a hymn?

#### One is an auk of rages, the other Rock of Ages.

(RIDDLE #59-E) by (AUTHOR #9)

Whenever they were faced with a problem, a certain town's religious

leaders always asked their sheep for advice. Why?

#### They were seeking ovine guidance.

(RIDDLE #60-D) by (AUTHOR #9)

What saying explains the frolicking fawn's willingness to take chances?

#### Life's a gambol.

(RIDDLE #31-H) by (AUTHOR #9)

Why are a South American arboreal mammal and a bizarre Israeli alike?

#### Each is a kinkajou  (kinky Jew)

(RIDDLE #37-G) by (AUTHOR #9)

What's the difference between a mushroom and a mass shooting?

#### One's a fungus, the other a gun fuss.

(RIDDLE #39-G) by (AUTHOR #9)

What spice lingers then leaves?

#### Tarragon (tarry - gone)

(RIDDLE #16-G) by (AUTHOR #4)

What now defunct magazine was the favorite of caterers who

specialized in parties for depressed patients?

#### The Sadder Day and Evening Host

(RIDDLE #19-F) by (AUTHOR #4)

If you saw a rose trellis and a dune by a lighthouse in a windstorm,

what would you actually be seeing?

#### A beacon lattice and tornado sand ridge

(RIDDLE #12-H) by (AUTHOR #4)

What is the title of the research project by a Ph. D. candidate

recording religious transgressions using a hidden camera?

#### Photo Sin Thesis.

(RIDDLE #12-I) by (AUTHOR #9)

With what words was the famous Chinese philosopher rejected by those

not ready to accept his thinking?

#### Don't confuse us! (Don't, Confucius!)

(RIDDLE #17-G) by (AUTHOR #9)

What do you call a bunch of Australians waiting for grilled shrimp?

#### A barbie queue

(RIDDLE #27-F) by (AUTHOR #8)

What did the self-absorbed gymnast wear to the gymnastics meet?

#### A MEotard

(RIDDLE #1-D) by (AUTHOR #9)

What's the difference between a Sikh and a sycophant?

#### The one favors curry while the other curries favor.

(RIDDLE #5-G) by (AUTHOR #9)

What branch of astrophysics accurately describes space shuttle

astronauts working on the space station?

#### Orbital mechanics.

(RIDDLE #9-E) by (AUTHOR #9)

What does St. Nick's appearance signify?

#### The presence of Christmas.

(RIDDLE #10-E) by (AUTHOR #9)

What saint ate his meals soberly, fork in hand?

#### Saint August Tine.

(RIDDLE #23-J) by (AUTHOR #9)

What do you call chasing geese with horses and dogs?

#### A flocks hunt

(RIDDLE #31-I) by (AUTHOR #10)

How did the famous Austrian physicist gamble in the pub?

#### "I'll bet ein stein"

(RIDDLE #37-H) by (AUTHOR #10)

What do you call a clumsy hunting dog?

#### An upsetter

(RIDDLE #55-H) by (AUTHOR #2)

What Shakespeare play shows that the Bard was a Boy Scout?

#### Much ado about knotting

(RIDDLE #40-F) by (AUTHOR #9)

What might be an appropriate farewell in Addis Ababa?

#### "Abyssinia."

(RIDDLE #38-E) by (AUTHOR #8)

What would be an appropriate name for Don Tyson's (of Tyson chicken

fame) massive office building?

#### The HENtagon

(RIDDLE #32-G) by (AUTHOR #1)

Why is "The good book" always priced low?

#### TO MAKE IT WHOLLY BUY-ABLE

(RIDDLE #34-K) by (AUTHOR #9)

What word describes the political results once Argentineans realized

Mrs. Peron could be ousted from power?

#### InEVITAble

(RIDDLE #32-H) by (AUTHOR #1)

What do the old members say to newcomers when they join the origami club?

#### "We all come to the fold"

(RIDDLE #38-F) by (AUTHOR #1)

What's the best kind of car to be driving when you're ready to play chicken?

#### A coupe.

(RIDDLE #34-L) by (AUTHOR #2)

If a certain Disney character were thirsty, which state would she drink?

#### Minnie Soda.  I guess that's where Minnie's apple is.

(RIDDLE #13-H) by (AUTHOR #4)

What is the term for someone who converts to another denomination?

#### A Sects Change.( Alt: A trans-sectional)

(RIDDLE #26-J) by (AUTHOR #4)

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

#### A comma is a pause at the end of a clause. A cat has claws at

the end of its paws.

(RIDDLE #35-E) by (AUTHOR #4)

What Oscar winner should remind you of what troubled Andy Warhol

after he had spent hours kneeling to paint his new automobile.

#### Art Car Knee

(RIDDLE #31-J) by (AUTHOR #1)

What sort of skimpy bathing suit might a linguist wear if he/she is

only going into the water briefly?

#### A Dip Thong

RIDDLE #19-F) by (AUTHOR #2)

Where do corpses eat lunch?

#### CADAVER-TERIA

(RIDDLE #16-H) by (AUTHOR #9)

What is the difference between a New England fisher and a Mafia network?

#### One is a lobsterman, the other a mobster LAN

(RIDDLE #39-H) by (AUTHOR #10)

4 guys were playing cards in a train when it happened to cross a

trestle above a flash flooding river. What game were they playing?

#### A four Spate contract at Bridge.

(RIDDLE #19-H) by (AUTHOR #2)

Why did the sick cook's disposition improve when she stuck her hand

in the bowl in which she was mixing cake ingredients?

#### BECAUSE SUDDENLY SHE WAS FEELING BATTER

(RIDDLE #55-J) by (AUTHOR #1)

Two young eagles were cruising high above a flock of sheep. Although

their mother had given them explicit instructions to never attack

sheep, one of the young birds announced his intention to do just

that. His more obedient sibling responded with a threat commonly

spoken by siblings confronted with such a moral dilemma. Oddly enough

the single sentences that each bird spoke sounded nearly identical.

What were the two sentences?

#### I'M GONNA TALON EWE & I'M GONNA TELL ON YOU

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Visit the P.U.N.Y. and O.Henry Museum websites!

 http://bounce.to/puny (http://puny.webjump.com)

 http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/parks/ohenry.htm

 eGroups: http://www.egroups.com/group/puny/info.html

>From puny-return-3609-ngilbert=iprimus.ca@returns.egroups.com  Tue Oct 26 15:03:39 1999

X-eGroups-Return: puny-return-3609-ngilbert=iprimus.ca@returns.egroups.com

Mailing-List: contact puny-owner@egroups.com

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From: CynMacG@aol.com

Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 15:03:20 EDT

To: puny@egroups.com

X-Mailer: AOL for Macintosh sub 56

Subject: [puny] random daffynitions

Lambshades - sunglasses for young sheep

Ickyologist - one who studies rotting fish

Herpetologist - one who studies the domesticated animal belonging to the lady

of the house

impeach - a pixie fruit

marinate - to wed Nathan

arboreal - where grapes grow, genuine; also a snakelike water-dwelling

creature that has relocated to a vineyard

U.S.A - thou attemptest to do something

marigold - wed for money

kangaroo - garoo that has been preserved in a tin

amphetamine - I'm an overweight Italian male

hemisphere - that which frightens a particular pork product

operation - your fair share of the show in which most of the action takes

place through singing

CYNful as always

------------------------------------------------------------------------

***********************************************************

*************************************************************

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Was the salesman clueless?

Productopia has the answers.

http://clickhere.egroups.com/click/555

A druggist is &nbsp;<br>the piller of society

Our cat is finally house broken, litterly

<P ALIGN="CENTER">...</P>

<p ALIGN="CENTER">The transexual had his/her surgery reversed.<BR></p><p ALIGN="CENTER">The song heard throughout the O.R. was<BR></p><p ALIGN="CENTER">Return to Gender<BR>...</p>

<p ALIGN="CENTER">...more medical malaprops...</p>

    <p ALIGN="CENTER">The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.</p>

    <p ALIGN="CENTER">Examination of the genitalia revealed that he was circus sized.<br>

    <br>

    ...</p><p ALIGN="CENTER">Patrick Carroll says that he has created a theatrical presentation based on the dictionary.<BR>It will be the first PLAY ON WORDS<br>

<br>

...</p>

<p align="center">SEEING GOOD FRIENDS<br>

IS RIGHT UP MY ALLY

It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this phenomenon is in the following historical facts: Glamour stocks and mini skirts soared in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the spring of 1994. Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The advice to the investor then, is,

"Don't sell until you see the heights of their thighs!" 

Once more, and not for the last time, Seymour Kapetansky, member from Michigan, sends us this "questionable answer."

Question: In what month did Herr Doctor Frankenstein create his "monster"?

Answer: Dismember. 

... 

One of the great sins

Is that your life is ova

Before it begins. 

... 

The golf season is winding down, so this pun which appeared on the pages of the August 1997 Pundit, courtesy of member Lewis O'Brien, is fore your today's reading pleasure.

Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?

Litre Vino. 

... 

Dictionary Lady Bonnie Beeferman, adds to today's puns with this question,

What do you use to get into a musician's apartment?

The key of a flat. 

... 

The dinner was magnificent. The turkey was the center piece de resistance.

We all thought that this was truly, poultry in motion. 

... 

From Sydney Australia, member David Davis sends this legal tidbit, which we first saw in Harvey C. Gordon's book, PUNishment.

"I understand that a number of judges refuse to grant summary judgments on wintry days." 

... 

As the golf season comes to a close, and Yule time is fast approaching, this message from Ottawa Ontario member, J.P. Devine, seems two apropos. A Toronto lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name. One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying,

"That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls."

... 

What does a Zen cow say?

"MU" 

... 

In England they do not have a kidney bank, but they do have a

Liverpool 

... 

International Save the Pun Foundation member, Seymour Kapetansky has filled our archives with an apundance of punderful word play. Here then, is another questionable answer, asked by Seymour.

Question: How would you describe a hostile takeover?

Answer: First degree merger 

... 

Successful acupuncture is a jab well done 

... 

The instructor of a freshman English course had his students write a paper about folks in high society. One coed's paper began with a bang: "The Duchess of Dogwood was descending a staircase in the palace when she, tripped, fell, and lay prostitute on the floor." The professor circled the incorrect word and penciled this comment in the margin: "Dear Miss James: You must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and one who has merely temporarily lost her balance." ...attributed to Crosbie's Dictionary of Puns. 

... 

If a centipede a bucketful, how much would a precipice?

A sheer drop.

 ***
 
 If your appetite for our puns remains strong, we'd be pleased to send you 
 a complimentary copy and subscription information concerning our monthly newsletter, the pundit.

PUNY Riddles

211. What Dicken's hero would be most likely to be accused of sexual

harassment?

212. What did they call that herd of  wild oxen that developed vertigo

after migrating from Tibet to Kenya?

213. Julian may have been excited to visit the Pliocene Epoch to

improve her character, but came back with an inner ear infection that

throbbed whenever the smallest sound was heard. What was the name of

her condition?

214. In Veterinary school, we had a professor who lectured on how to

determine the cause of death in blackbirds. What was his specialty?

215. Paleontologists have recently discovered bones belonging to a

dinosaur and after careful analysis of the bone structure they believe

that this might have been the fastest of all dinosaurs, so they

decided to call him what?

Movie of the Week: 16. Will Smith plays an animal rights activist who

arranges a boycott of Sizzler in:

Book of the Week: 14. This old classic concerns a Jewish religious

leader who has a secret cemetery in his backyard for a certain portion

of his pets' bodies.

211. David Cop-a- feel (By Gary Hallock)

212. Afro Dizzy Yaks (By Stan Kegel)

213. Aiken Drum (By David Bunch)

        (Aiken Drum is a character in Jullian May‘s Plicene Trilogy)

214. End O' Crow Knowlegist (By Stan Kegel)

On the fourth day of Xmas my partner called to me,

Fore! Was his word,

Three golf caps,

Two pairs of gloves, and

A partridge on a par three.

... 

June is the month for weddings. It works this way.

You go to adore. If you cross a rabbit,

You ring a belle.

You give your name to a maid.

And then you're taken in.

.).).)

Ogden Nash wrote June is the time when,

"Ladies grow loony and gentlemen grow loonier;

This year's June is next year's Junior."

...

215. Prontosauras (By Tiff Wimberly)

Movie of the Week: 16. Enemy of the Steak. (By Gary Hallock)

Book of the Week: 14. The Cantor Buries Tails (By Stan Kegel)

Thanksgiving Day (U.S.A.) 

The turkeys were transported via dogsled.

It was poultry 'n mushin'.

My son's so correct

He calls his mom Mater. But

He calls me collect.

...

If you cross a rabbit, a cow, and a cob of corn you get a

HOPPY MOO EAR! 

...  

Hello my name is:

..Art, I'm a museum curator.

..Chuck, I'm a butcher.

..Gene, I'm a DNA researcher.

..Clarence, I specialize in end-of-season inventory closeout sales.

... 

Punning is truly a rewording experience. The inveterate punster believes that a good pun is like a good steak. "A rare medium well done." Remember that many a meaty pun has been cooked up as advice on how to succeed in the business of life and the life of business. Let's get write to wit! 

...