January/February 2000

Y2Pundits? Y2K had us believing that, "Armageddon enough for my money by getting the news release of the Best Stressed Puns of the 20^th Century on the 1^st of January." Alas there was a lack, so, every member is hereby given an extension of his or her membership to make up for this short fall. (It could be a long winter)

JJJ

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

"If I find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

JJJ

How did the veterinarian's assistant respond to the question about the

gooey gauze he had in his hand as he headed towards the peace loving Cyclops.

He said, "This is medicated for the one-eyed dove."

JJJ

BIZARRE ANAGRAMS!

• Dormitory -- Dirty Room
• Desperation -- A Rope Ends It
• The Morse Code -- Here come Dots

• Slot Machines -- Cash Lost in 'em
• Animosity -- Is No Amity
• Snooze Alarms -- Alas! No More Z's
• Alec Guinness -- Genuine Class
• Semolina -- Is No Meal
• The Public Art Galleries -- Large Picture Halls, I Bet.
• A Decimal Point -- I'm a Dot in Place
• The Earthquakes -- That Queer Shake
• Eleven plus two -- Twelve plus one
• Contradiction -- Accord not in it
• Astronomer -- Moon Starer
• Princess Diana -- End Is A Car Spin
• Evangelist -- Evil's Agent
• Clinton, President of the USA --To Copulate, He Finds Interns
• Year Two Thousand -- A Year To Shut Down

JJJ

 Allen Warren asks if It was a NYSE day on Wall Street. Or was it a NYSE Dow on Wall Street?

JJJ

 Tiffany Wimberly meats Cynthia Mac-Gregor in the following bull puns.

What do cows do when they change pastures? Have a mooooooving sale!

What does a cow wear when she gets married? A white veal!

What do cows sing who attend Yale football games? Bulla bulla!

What's a cow's favorite candy?

Milky Way!

Where do farmers sit to milk cows?

On one side or the udder!

Why did the cows cheer when the slaughterhouse burned?

They had a real steak in the outcome!

Why did the bull pick a fight with the farmer's wife? He had a beef with her!

How did cows travel across the Atlantic in 19th century ships? Steerage!

What kind of flavored coffee do cows like? Mooca Cowpuccino!

Do cows drink soda pop? Only if it's decalfinated!

What does a farmer use to count his cows? A cowculator!

Who is a cow's favorite astronomooer?      Nicholai Cowpernicus!

What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space? Steer Wars

JJJ

Riddles posed by the PUNY RIDDLERS

Lars Hanson says "Coming into my kitchen in the middle of the night, I was amazed to discover the contents of my spice and herb jars scattered across the counter. Although there was little hope of sorting the spices and getting them back into their jars, I found that

one spice was easily retrieved from the countertop". Which one? 

The Mustered seed of course..

Van Camp asks, "How would you describe an IRS hearing?"

Auditory.

Cynthia Mac Gregor asks,

"What Shakespeare play shows that the Bard was a Boy Scout?"

Much ado about knotting.

If a certain Disney character were thirsty, which state would she drink?

Minnie Soda.  I guess that's where Minnie's apple is.

What is the term for someone who converts to another denomination?

A Sects Change. (Alt: A trans-sectional)

Gary Hallock asks, "Why is ‘The good book' always priced low?"

TO MAKE IT WHOLLY BUY-ABLE.

What do the old members say to newcomers when they join the origami club?

"We all come to the fold"

Stan Kegel asks, "What is the difference between a cat and a comma?"

A comma is a pause at the end of a clause. A cat has claws at the end of its paws.

Where do corpses eat lunch?

CADAVER-TERIA.

JJJ

Daffynitions by CYNful as always:

• Lambshades - sunglasses for young sheep

• Ickyologist - one who studies rotting fish

• Herpetologist - one who studies the domesticated animal belonging to the lady of the house.
• Impeach - a pixie fruit.
• Marinate - to wed Nathan.
• Arboreal - where grapes grow, genuine; also a snakelike water dwelling.
• Creature that has relocated to a vineyard.
• U.S.A - thou attemptest to do something.
• Marigold - wed for money.
• Kangaroo - garoo that has been preserved in a tin.
• Hemisphere - that which frightens a particular pork product.
• Operation - your fair share of the show in which most of the action takes place through singing.
• Paragraphs: Two long-necked animals.
• Clause: Any relative of Santa.
• Comma: A state of unconsciousness.
• Ellipsis: Your female sibling's mouth entrance.
• Period: Explorer of the Pole, rather strange.
• Exclamation: Why something happened.
• Question mark: Ask Julius's friend Anthony all about it.
• Quotation: Avoid a minimum requisite quantity.
• Apostrophe: Money you have to pay for spaghetti.

A druggist is the piller of society.

Our cat is finally house broken, latterly.

More medical malapropisms found in the journals of some of our finest practitioners.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Examination of the genitalia revealed that he was circus sized.

JJJ

Patrick Carroll says that he has created a theatrical presentation based on the dictionary.

It will be the first PLAY ON WORDS  

JJJ

Cohen decided to quit work at the barbershop early so he could go bowling. He put on his jacket, picked up his ball and started to leave.
"Hey, Cohen," the head barber called out, "how about giving me a shave
before you go!"
"No," came the reply, "a bowling Cohen lathers no boss."

JJJ

Four egg yolks, 2 teaspoons of sugar,
half-gallon of eggnog ice cream, four jiggers of cognac in a tall, warm lass offers Clynch. Lars Hanson haikus back,

Cognac in warm lass:
Ancient Chinese approach -- One
Tai Po in ten did.

JJJ

My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records, and with any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well, he put them into the pot and they were replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my
uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells, that each rang a different tone, he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell would only ring when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.
Now he could sit on the porch and sip, all the while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.

My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen, he was. One morning, Brewster's bell did not

ring at all. Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in
his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county
fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

JJJ

Financial Forecaster by email could mean a net prophet. Then Leo Munro, member from Reykjavik, tells us that Ebenezer Scrooge once worked in a pub in Germany - bar Hamburg!

Allen warren suggests that this year is going to be two grand!

Once again we ask you for nominations for the PUNSTER OF THE YEAR. (This millennium is sure flying by.)

This, too, is the first reminder of the Annual ISTPF Dinner. As has always been the venue, Chicago will again be the host city and Joyce Heitler will be the Hostess. More on the dinner in March, and on our web site.

JJJ

...And remember

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine.

There's gloom for improvement.

JJJ

FORWARD MARCH!

Volume 21, January 2000

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,

$55 for 2 years,

$80 for 3 years

Life Membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Deskstuff, full time critic: Rose Borgh

Proof Readr: Jean Sturdy

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to ngilbert@punpunpun.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com.

THE PUNDIT

The official newsletter of the  International Save the Pun Foundation

THE ANNUAL SAVE THE PUN FOUNDATION  DINNER TO BE HELD ON APRIL FOOLS DAY

It's that thyme again!  The fennel date has been set!  The annual dinner of the International Save the Pun Foundation will take plates on April 1 at the Como Inn, 546 N. Milwaukee Avenue, Chicago at 6:00 p.m.  Lettuce just say that if you carrot all for wordplay, you should turnip at this corny event!  (And if you've bean before, you know it's a gas!)  Where else can you find
tables set with spoonerisms and knaves? Forks from all over the country will be letting the good tines roll! You won't want to leaf!

We considered serving Middle Eastern food, but we wanted to make people feel good, not falafel.  And, of course, we didn't want to send them on a wild couscous chase.  So instead, we may serve rotisserie chicken.  (If you've ever seen it, you know it's poultry in motion!)  Dessert will be pun kin pie.  (We were planning on having marble cake but we thought everyone would take it for granite.) 

At the dinner, the coveted Punster of the Year Award will be presented to punster extraordinaire Stan Kegel from California, whose "Puns of the Day" and "Plentiful Puns," "Generous groaners" email lists are enough to make a groan man cry! Join us in honoring Stan and his contributions to a wordy cause. Songwriter/composer Gregg Opelka will supply the musical entertainment with his review  "That's Puntertainment" and table games will be played throughout the evening. Chairman of the Bored and Pun Up Queen, Joyce Heitler, who will be attired in visual puns, invites guests to come in pun attire as well.

You butter make your reservation soon!  People are dine to get tickets to this event! Spice is limited! And you can't beet these prices!

Tickets are only $40.00.

 Water you waiting for? Stop pudding it off!

Order tickets now from Joyce Heitler at (773) 973 3523

Catherine Smith-Resnick has re -defined the following as

New Words with New Meanings:

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\:  Workers who put together kitchen
cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians.

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with.

Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring.

Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official.

JJJ

And have you heard about,

the Webmaster's pun pen popping?

And from then on, it was ngilbert's hampered ink?

JJJ

These are real signs that were witnessed on church properties by Dave Cole.

•·       Try our Sundays.  They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

•·       Searching for a new look?  Have your faith lifted here!

•·       Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily.

•·       Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

•·       An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands
holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

•·       It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

•·       Do not wait for your hearse to take you to church.

•·       In the dark?  Follow the Son.

JJJ

I have entered the world of selling on the Internet auction sites and I
happened on one person's auction thanking any potential buyers by saying "Thank you for your "bidness"! "Why didn't I think of that?" asks Tiffany Wimberley, one of the stars of the oft quoted PUNY.

JJJ

A man was hiking in Alaska when a huge bear suddenly confronted him. The shock caused the man to have a heart attack. He died. At the inquest the coroner ruled that death was due to kodiak arrest.

And the next group of wonderful word play comes from the

Gary HALLock of FAME.

Did jeer about the penal colony in Alaska that was buried in a
glacial avalanche a hundred years ago.

They've only just now
excavated it and it is believed that with modern techniques some of
the inmates may be successfully defrosted and brought back to life.
Technically all of these hardened criminals would have served out
their sentences by now and would be free to rejoin society.

There has been some debate as to whether this is a good idea. As you might imagine, there are many frozen cons being presented but nothing will be done until the idea is fully thawed out.  (G.H)

(And Gary shows us

That he has a penchant for

Very high HAIKU)

"How do these geese snow
Wintertime comes to fly south?"
Migrate grandma asks.

Why Canada goose
Go south with a paradox?
They canardly fly.

Two fly cheep as swan
In formation high away
When they all pigeon.

The throng is ended

The mallard, he lingers on
What the flock's wrong here?

Did jeer about the veterinarian who was barred from performing any surgery because he suffered from bouts of epilepsy? The cops busted him for attempting to operate on a sick predatory bird but the case was thrown out on a technicality.  It was an ill eagle surgeon seizure. (G.H.)

JJJ

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

JJJ

A man charged into a doctor's office. He ran past the receptionist and shouted excitedly, "Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!"

"Calm down," said the physician, "You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.He

JJJ

A thief broke into the local police station and stole the entire lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

JJJ

A group of friends went duck hunting.  One of them insisted on setting out the decoys.  "There must always be an equal number of male decoys and female decoys" he told them.  "You see,

 I'm an equal opportunity deployer."

JJJ

So we head for the showers again and wish you a forward March to April.

JJJ

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 21 March 2000

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Deskstuff and full time critic:Rosanna Borgh

Proof Redr: Jean Sturdy

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

 Email to nngilbert@punpunpun.com the web at www.punpunpun.com

April 2000

On April 1, 2000, Joyce Heitler opened "the envelope please" and announced that STAN KEGEL is Punster of the Year for the year 2000.

In real life, Stan Kegel has been practicing Pediatrics and Pediatric
Cardiology in Orange County, California for 40 years. Born and raised in Los Angeles, he studied Medicine at the University Of California.

He then returned to Los Angeles for his post-graduate work at Los Angeles County General Hospital and the UCLA Medical Center.

In addition to his medical practice, he has been very active in the
community having received the Humanitarian of the Year Award from the National Council of Christians and Jews and Man of the Year of the
National Foundation-March of Dimes. He has served as president of the local chapters of the American Heart Association and the Jewish Federation Council. He is the father of five children ranging in age from 14 to 44, and 4 grandchildren. 

He has always had a love for groaners and shaggy dog tails. About three years ago he subscribed to several joke lists and found them almost devoid of puns. He started posting puns to various joke lists and received great encouragement.  Two years ago he was contacted by Mike Avery, the moderator of "Humor from Otherwhen" and was offered a chance to start his own joke list devoted to puns and groaners.

Thus was born, "Profusions of Puns, Gaggles of Groaners."

Several months later he started the feature, "Puns of the Day." After requests from many who wished to receive this, and not all the groaners, another joke list, "Puns of the Day" was started. He later started a third joke list, "Shaggy-Dog Tails."  In addition he has continued sending groaners to multiple joke lists and his weekly feature, "Puns of the Weak" appears in total or in part on over 30 joke lists. He has been an active participant in P. U. N. Y., which he considers as a second family, and is in the Riddle Chain and Pun Loop groups. His puns have been featured in "The Pundit," "The Punster," and "The Pun American Newsletter." He is an Associate Editor of an e-zine, "Desceptacio".

Members of the International Save the Pun Foundation, I give you the PUNSTER of the YEAR, STAN KEGEL.

(In the next issue of The Pundit we will report to you all of the events at  the Annual International Save the Pun Foundation Dinner.)

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. 'In English,' he said, 'a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

JJJ

When we lived there, my wife and I used to walk the beach a lot. One summer we noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing: She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick
exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. My wife and I assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but we didn't know for sure so, we just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks my wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

I hadn't, and I said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go
lay out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and my wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to me and then leave. I walked up the beach and met her at the road.

"Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.
"No, she's not." I said, enjoying this probably more than I should have.
"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" my wife fairly shrieked.

I smirked and said, "She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore."

JJJ

Are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest rumours from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become

Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become

Honey I'm Home.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and
become The 3 Penney Opera.

                           JJJ

Freud had a bicycle as a child and he often took it apart as he was very
interested in what made it work. Thus began his interest in cycle analysis.

                           JJJ

Would a manufacturer of gentlemen's headwear describe his job as Manhattan?

                           JJJ

A Zen master once told me that the beautiful sounds of a cow and a horse is what makes the world turn.  MooNay makes the world go around?  It was udder brilliance.  I heard the cows. I stabled the horses. Suddenly a mouse ran into the barn and the cattle got loose but the cattle catch the mouse, but the mane tale is about the horse.

Daffynitions from Web Stirs.

Atheism: A non-prophet organization

Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours  money

Brain: The apparatus with which we think we think

Camel: A horse designed by a committee

Committee: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Dieting: Wishful shrinking

E-I-E-I-O: Musical spelling of the word 'farm'.

Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots

Vuja De: That feeling you've never been here before.

Politics: From the words 'poly' meaning 'many' and 'ticks' as in 'small, blood-sucking parasites'

Bachelor: One who treats all women as sequels.

The golden years: When actions creak louder than words

JJJ

If your dinosaur had more than one name, would you call it a binosaur, an
aliasaurus, or a thesaurus? Asks member Allen Warren.

JJJ

From the HALLOCK entity:

Didja hear about the member of a Swedish rock group that died and was brought back to life by a magic spell? He was an ABBA cadaver.

Or the dilapidated old steam cabinet that washed up at the seashore? It was one ugly sauna of a beach.

That they made a movie about this French guy who never says "goodbye" without delivering a batch of one-liners?

 "Au Revoir Runs Through Wit"

JJJ

Is it any wonder that the English language is so much fun? Heteronyms!

Richard Lederer, Past Punster of the Year, wrote ‘A Hymn to Heteronyms'

Please go through the entrance of our circus show.
We guarantee it will entrance you.
The content will certainly make you content,
And the knowledge gained sure will enhance you.

A clown moped around when the circus refused
For him a new moped to buy.
The incense he burned did incense him to go
On a tear with a tear in his eye.

He ragged on his bosses, felt they ran him ragged.
Their just deserts they never got.
He imagined them lost in deserts quite vast,
 So sandy, so arid, so hot.

A number of times he felt number, all wound
Up, like one with a wound not a wand.
His new TV console just couldn't console
Or slough off a slough of despond.

The rugged clown paced 'round his shaggy rugged room,
All evening his clothes he did rend,
Evening out the cross-winds of his ire,
As our circus winds to its end.

At present our clown will present you a show;
So your liver will feel liver after
A good circus clown's always in short supply.
He can supply draw out our laughter.

This poem is found in Richard's latest work ‘Word Circus' it is available from the ISTPF.

JJJ

See you next month, if we MAY.

Volume 21 April 2000

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership for $125.

Life members receive 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Proof Redr: Jean Sturdy

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

 Email to ngilbert@punpunpun.com

The website is at www.punpunpun.com

May 2000 Year 21 Issue 5.  

Wasn't that a party! The Annual Pun Dinner was a smash. Joyce Heitler has done it again. Some of the highlights of the evening were the announcement of the Punster of the Year STAN KEGEL, The continuing puntificating by 1997 Punster of the Year, Gary Hallock, the punderful music and lyrics of 1998 Punster of the Year Gregg Opelka, whose troop of players did an updated rendition of Gregg's own, "That's Puntertainment", the table games (see "Geography riddles" in this issue*) and a marvelous time was had by all. It was a sell out, so be sure to mark your calendar for a date with Joyce and the members of the International Save the Pun Foundation in Chicago on April 1, 2001.

Three ladies formed an orchestra and you can join if you can play AMANDA LENORA VIOLA. 

(Noted Ken Shurget)

JJJ

A paranoid Schizophrenic goes into a bar.  He says, "Bartender, everybody thinks I talk to my self, so do I."

Bartender says: "That's funny, just last night a psychotic, delusional, sado-masochistic, narcissist was asking if I knew anyone with a behavioral disorder who enjoys crafts and quiet lunches." 

"Well, what did he look like?" 

"He said he was quite good looking."

Part of me says, "Go for it."

JJJ

With 50% of my income and 15% of everything I buy going to the government I screamed for some Tax ease. Within minutes three cabs were at my front door.  Then I thought,         ‘Why is what you pay a cabbie, fare?"  So I jump in the taxi and I tell the driver my destination.  He says:  "Do you want a meter or do you wanna pay a flat-rate."  

I say: "Hey, this is some kind of fun town".

JJJ

I asked a guy how do you get to Carnegie Hall? He said,  "Make a left at Forty-Second Street".

JJJ

How do you make an apple crumble?

JJJ

I find when eggs, flour and milk are beaten they respond better.  Or should I say batter. Speaking of which, if you have two baseball players and one is a better batter but the bad batter knows he is a bad batter so when the pitch comes in he churns and takes one on the rump for the team, does that make him a butter. 

Now as we all know Pete Rose could hit and take one for the team.  He was a batter, a butter and a better.  Since they won't let old Pete into the Hall of Fame I guess he is also bitter.  What they should do is just put his little size three shoes in the Hall of Fame and they could call the display:

"The Bitter Batter of Little Feet".  

JJJ

I would like to hazard an opinion about something.  When people say, "Your guess is as good as mine", is that a guess?

Or if you invite someone to dinner and I Invite someone to dinner and both people are wonderful, does that mean your guest is as good as mine?

JJJ

If you scattered selfish people all over a farmers land, would it become a minefield?

JJJ

Where would a ne'er-do-well? 

JJJ

The Sermon

In a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community came every Sabbath to hear him. One weekend a congregant had to visit Long Island for his nephew's Bar Mitzvah. He didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon. He decided to hire a tape guy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so that he could listen to it when he returned.

Other congregants saw what was going on, and they too, decided to hire tape men to tape the sermons. That way, they could play golf instead of attending Sabbath Services. Within a few weeks time there were 500 of these taping guys sitting in the Synagogue taping the Rabbi's sermon.

The rabbi got wise to this. The following Sabbath he hired a player guy who brought a tape player to play the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

JJJ

The tidal wave came as a big surf rise. (John Fenn)

JJJ

The annual canine obedience competition was only a week away when the dog trainer's union went on strike.
Non-union workers were hired to finish up training the dogs for the show. Training was going well as the replacement workers taught the dogs about fetching, rolling over & sitting. Worried that they might lose their jobs entirely, the striking union members began to march with protest signs outside the training arena.

This all began just about the time the dogs were supposed to be learning to follow the command to "heel." Hearing the striker's chants and recognizing their real trainer's voices, the confused dogs would no longer follow the substitute trainers taking them through their paces. This came as no surprise to anyone because we've always known

"A scab will never heel if you picket."

JJJ

Metric conversions:

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox

JJJ

Here are more Heteronyms from Richard Lederer's ‘Word Circus' chapter "Hymns to Heteronyms:

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

JJJ

*Geography was a table game played by all attendees at the 2000 Pun Annual Dinner in Chicago. Stan Kegel, newly crowned POTY brought the game to the Dinner. The italicized answers were on another column, so that players would fit the right country into the right space.
1.  "Get lost! Go PARAGUAY from me."
2.  HIMALAYA down to sleep.

3."Sid is ten minutes late. VENICE he going to show up."
4.  "The Professor is a real windbag. He really likes to BABYLON."
5.  "They smashed my window, grabbed my purse and then TEHRAN off."
6.  BEIRUT keeps the Bay plant from blowing away.
7.  "ARKANSAS a tree down in ten minutes," boasted the lumberjack.
8.  "The answer is 45, not 2. URUGUAY off."
9.  The mine closed because OREGON.
10. "I'll only take a CARDIFF I know it will give me better than 3 of a kind."
11. When she left the threesome, it became a TUCSON.
12. "I don't want an argument. I'll be happier if he a-GREECE with me."
13. SOMERSET  here and the rest were put over there.
14. A GUYANA girl often become man and wife.
15. In a hurricane, the WINDSOR very strong.
16. A port city will always be found where there is ANN ARBOR.
17. "Do you prefer drinking beer from a CANNES or a bottle?"
18. "I like coffee, but I HAITI.
19. "Don't tie two knots, just TAIWAN."
20. Never ANKARA boat until the engine is turned off.
21. "Me and the BOISE went out for a beer."
22. If IDAHO, I would go over this garden right now."
23. "First prize is a hog. How'd you like to WINNIPEG."
24. "You dented my car! UGANDA get away with this."
25. "There's NORWAY I can finish this tonight."
26. You can find a NEPAL on a woman's breast.
27. "First, correct the essay exams. DENMARK the labs."
28. The Clippers have lost 18 games in a row. They are on a LUZON streak.
29. "BUDAPEST? Not at all. He's the nicest guy I know."
30. "IOWA bookie $1000 and he's out to get me."
31. In winter, the weather in Washington goes from rainy to RAINIER."
32. "That place is expensive. They'll GEORGIA an arm and a leg."
33. "Hey, Buddy, KENYA spare a dime?"
34. It is a crime to BURMA house down on purpose.
35. "This is worthless. I think EGYPT you."
36. The sign at the salad bar said, SERBIA self."
37. "I'm fine, thanks. HAWAII?"
38. "I don't like Susan." "Yeah, SUEZ not a nice girl."
39."You broke the window? OMAN, are you ever in big trouble."
40. "Our visas are here. Now we CONGO to Africa."
41. "I have BENIN Africa for years."
42. All of a SUDAN, the dust storm struck.

JJJ

Reading the litany of cow puns, perhaps these could be udders that you can milk for all they're worth.
In ole Mexico, so I've herd, bovine friends are known as Mooo-cha-chos.
The nooze goes pasteurize and mine. But I suppose we're squirting the issue.
Cud humour gets chewed up over & over. SO much for the end of this tail! Squeezed in here for member Lionel Frigault.

JJJ

    Amen Haiku

 He was a Hindu
 Not because of mystic faith
 But just by sheer chants.

Catholic church is
Sanctuary for the tired
Place where Eucharist

Attention pot heads!
ETERNAL MELLOW for you:
You wanna Ba'hai?

We'd all keep kosher

If shrimp and ham were okay,
Don't Jewish it so?

You've seen mistletoe,
 A big toe and a little toe.
Where is the Shinto?

I know a smart bug,
Who argues for insect faith,
He's a protest ant.

General got stoned

Along with all of his troops,
Then staged a high coup.
(all by Guy Ben-Moshe) 

JJJ

A Doberman and a Bulldog and the Taco Bell Chihuahua were sitting in a bar. In sweeps a beautiful female collie. She announces "Whoever can use the words 'liver and cheese' in a sentence, can have me."

The Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." 
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." 
The Chihuahua says "Liver alone...cheese mine."

(Taco away says Lewis W. O'Brien)

JJJ

Gary Hallock closes the May Pundit by telling us that he's been working on Stan Kegel's riddles and discovered that there are quite a few new films, books and songs on the market about drug abuse:

TWO KILO HOCKING BIRD - A British chick pawns all her possessions to pay for an expensive drug habit.

A REEFER RUNS THROUGH WIT - Some dope makes his living doing stand-up comedy in one sleazy joint after another.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARIJUANA - A gross-out comedy that should have a lid put on it.

LEAVES OF GRASS Directed by All over Stoned. Soldiers on furlough get wasted.

MARYS POPPIN' - British nanny gets high without an umbrella.

THE GREAT ADDICTATER - Charlie Chaplin perfects a method of crossing
opium poppies with spuds.

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

June what comes naturally, if we May.

Volume 21 May 2000

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Deskstuff and full time critic:Rosanna Borgh

Proof Redr: Jean Sturdy

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

 Email to nngilbert@punpunpun.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

FOR A MEDIA RELIEF: 23rd Annual O.Henry Pun-Off World Championships, Austin, Texas. May 7, 2000.
Each spring, the stalk market rises as this annual carnival of corn yields a bumper crop of a maize-ing wordplay that churns everyone on their ears. Featuring competition in two different categories of pun-slinging, the 23rd Annual O.Henry Pun-Off World Championships are a Mecca for word butchers wordwide.

This year several challengers from altered states came to meet their Mecca as top honors in one event went to a young mother from Arkansas. Despite the valiant efforts of several ambitious "wannabes," all other top finishers remain home groan heros from central Texas. In the HIGH-LIES & LOW PUNS battle, Alex Ramirez of Austin returned to claim his second consecutive crown. In the final round of battle, Alex took on former champ, local musician Steve Brooks, as they battled tooth and nail on the topic of "external body parts." Both competitors toed the line with lobe blows and much cheek, butt the professional physical therapist was better armed and eventually pulled a head and nosed out the challenger. The audience never knew what to expect necks. Kneed we say more, or have you fingered it out?

Veteran player George McClughan shared third place honors with newcomer upstart Kevin Owens. Tiffany Wimberly, last year's third place finisher in PUNNIEST OF SHOW, took top honors this year in only her second outing. The otherwise mild-mannered mother of three from Fayetteville, Arkansas, wowed the crowd with a colorful costume as she shook out her hair piece, a fairy pony tail of RaPUNzel. The crowd was urged toupee close attention and remained inTRESSted in her hair-raising story. They were not let down. Just before splitting at the end, she bid the crowd "a do." The audience jest about dyed laughing. SUMMER wondering how the WINTERS are chosen in PUNNIEST OF SHOW, so you AUTUMN know this is the trickiest job of FALL. PUNNIEST OF SHOW is judged by a panel of four celebrity judges, who rank each contestant according to how rank are their puns.

Performers are rated on a scale of 1-10. Out of a possible 40 points, the judges shot Wimberly with a 38, based on the high caliber of her presentation. Bested by a full four points, second place finisher, Chuck Burgess, edged out just ahead of George McClughan, both multi-time winners in this category. In recognition of their tomfoolery, first place finishers in both events received a 24-inch trophy featuring the comically cocky image of a strutting turkey. Second and third place finishers go home wearing medallions for which they will take plenty of RIBBON from their dePENDANTS. Leading the emcee team was grizzled veteran, Joel McColl, who was presented with an award celebrating his 15 years of service to inanity.

Multi-time champion of both competitions, Steve Brooks, returned to compete this year in High-Lies & Low Puns battle while serving double duty on the emcee team for the first half of the show. Pun-0ff producer/emcee Gary Hallock was ubiquitous again for his 10th year, showing his hand in seemingly everything from stage construction to t-shirt design and press releasing. Gary managed to restrict himself to a modest gush of diversionary wordplay, allowing the event to wrap up by 5pm as the evening tongue tide rolled out.

Avoiding the early spring sunshine, many members of the audience were forced to enroll in the witless protection program offered by the leaves of a large oak tree in the grassy park behind the O.Henry Museum. Still, hundreds of shady characters sweated out the afternoon in order to wetness this outrageous disre-spectacle of the language.The event is de-vined by the organizers as "Fun raisin in the sun," as money generated is used to support educational programs and projects relevant to the museum and the legacy of O.Henry.

Event producer, Gary Hallock, summed it up this way when pressed, "The pro-seeds collected at this event will be planted and sprout into grape things that will no doubt come Bacchus a fine wine." No one was fooled fermented as he did not offer proof.
The date for THE 23rd ANNUAL O.HENRY PUN-OFF has been set for Sunday, May 6, 2001.

Corn graduations to TIFFANY WIMBERLY Pun-Off champion of 2000.

Here is her winning soliloquy: 

Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen I, RaPUNzel, have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with you written by the Brothers TRIMM.  When I was a young CURL, a jealous queen LOCKed me in a tower.  I was STRANDed.at my SPLITS END.truly a damsel in THESE TRESSES! The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but, day after day, knight after knight would try to climb the tower which was so tall the FOLLICLE you!  They would climb my braid and if they weren't that handsome I would give them the BRUSH off. Gee, I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for being such a big TEASE. One day, a handsome knight named Prince Latherrinse tried to rescue me. He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.   I said: "COMB and SHAVE me!" The queen found out about it and cut off my hair. And let me tell you Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED! She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLE with. Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and had twins but, we didn't live happily ever after because he placed too many CONDITIONERS on our marriage which was really CRIMPING my STYLE. So, we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.  It came down to SPLITTING HAIRS (heirs) so he took one twin and I took the other. So, now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want a LATHER RINSE REPEAT (read the shampoo label).  And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair from blonde to brown and this new color is to DYE for after all, brunettes have more pun. Well, that's the long and short of my HAIRY tale story.

I bid you all a 'DO!'

"I fixed the radio!" Tom said ecstatically.

JJJ

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper. "Gladly," responded the good man. When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column.  There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."
(Thank you to "TAZZYMIKE")

JJJ

Sign on the gate of a cemetery:

 INTER HERE

(Allen Warren)

JJJ

I went to work as a Swiss Army Knife  maker, but they said I wasn't too sharp! So I switched and flushed out a job as a plumber's apprentice. I screwed that up too! Through the grape vine I red about an opening for a vintner. It just didn't suit my taste. Speaking of suits, I think I'll thread my way through the want ads and look for a job tailor made for me. . However, instead of loafing around, I took a position with a bakery. It was a slice and I kneaded the dough, but I just couldn't pump another nickel outa my boss so, I employed every means I knew to get another job

JJJ

Some modern definitions by Steve Dain.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

STARTER MARRIAGE - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with
no kids, no property, and no regrets.

 SWIPED OUT - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

 ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime
example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among micro serfs to describe ill-advised
activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

JJJ

A retired Navy Commander read in the newspaper that the ship he commanded
for 20 years was being removed from the fleet and placed in the salvage
yards.  Friends of the Commander said he was saddended to hear that they
grounded the warship he walked on.
(We wave  to Irwin Weintraub  of
Brooklyn, New York for enabling us to sea this one)

JJJ

 Two cannibals sat down to dine
When one to the other did whine,
"My mother-in-law
Is tasteless and blah."
The other said, "Try some of mine..."
(By Tutta Giola)

 A girl's best asset is her lie ability. (Fuhrman)
 
My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive. I have mixed feelings about
that. (Oracle)

A drowning philosopher was heard to say, " I sink, therefore I was. But
that's putting Descartes before the hearse." (Dan Boch)

The doctor who treats anorexics says, "My patients is wearing thin."
(Gary Hallock)

Is there any collie flour in dog biscuits? (Lee Daniel Quinn)

 It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds. (Myrddins)

 
What famous mountain did Li'l Abner come from? Al Cappatan (By Gary
Hallock)

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary! (Ronald Butler)

The tidal wave came as a big surf rise. (John Fenn)

Some people who don't pay their taxes in due time, do time. (Randall Woodman)

My four year old was vomiting and had a fever. I gave him an aspirin suppository. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and he said he would rather have received a "Mouthprin".  (Karyn Buxman)

Headline: SATELLITE TRACKS COWS FROM OUTER SPACE (Richard Lederer)

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. (Archives) 

It's hard to manage in the kitchen when you've got a small boy underfoot
who's put his capon and is zooming all over the kitchen yelling, "I'm
faster than a speeding pullet!"  And that's no yoke. (Cynthia MacGregor)

JJJ

There once was a small king (one of the wee three kings?). He was jovial
and looked something like a mushroom, and the servants said he was a
fun-gi. This king so loved animals that he declared hunting illegal. The land was dry, and the peasants could grow nothing but angry. Their batteries drained, they re-volted and overthrew the king. It was the first time in history a reign was called on account of game. (email from Chogg)

JJJ

Server: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary.

Diner: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long, either. Venice lunch ready?

Server: I 'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix?

Diner: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza bit?

Server: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for her Wales.

Diner:I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.

Server: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to Serbia.

Diner: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me. There's an Eire. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am!

Server: Canada noise! I don't Caribbean. You sure Ararat!

Diner: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice!

Server:Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck. Pay your Czech and don't Kuwait. Abyssinia!

JJJ

I ran across a new Web presence a few days ago called e.Piffany.com and my
brain started racing with other ePuns. ePhemeral.com -- Site for people with upper leg amputations suffering from
phantom pains?
eFFluvia.com -- Cold and flu sufferers?
eGo.com -- Traffic engineers?
eGypt.com -- Shysters?
eLaboration.com -- Pregnant women?
eLapse.com -- I forget what this was for.
eLate.com -- Chronically tardy?
eLeven.com -- Bread baking?
eLied.com -- Prevarication?

eNough,  (egads! Joe McDaniel
Owings Mills, MD 21117)

...and until July, remember, A day without puns, is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 21 June 2000

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Deskstuff and full time critic:Rosanna Borgh

Proof Redr: Jean Sturdy

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

 Email to nngilbert@punpunpun.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com

July 2000

Letter-Perfect Grammar Puns

  A consonant walks into a bar and sits down next to a vowelly girl. "Hi!" he says, "I'll alphabet that you've never been here before."
  "Of cursive I have," she replies. "I come here, like, all the time. For me, it's parse for the course."
The consonant remains stationery, enveloped by the vowelly girl's letter-perfect charm. "Here's a cute joke," he states declaratively. ":Up at the North Pole, St. Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His children are dependant Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Claus. And Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses. As a group, they're all renoun Clauses." Then he lays on some more dashes of humor: "Have you heard about the fellow who had half his digestive tract removed? He walked around with a semi-colon."
  "Are you like prepositioning me?" asks the vowelly girl.
  "I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition. Your beauty phrase my nerves. Won't you come up to my place for a coordinating conjunction?"
  "I don't want to be diacritical of you, but you're like, such a boldfaced character!" replies the vowelly girl. Like do I have to spell it out to you, or are you just plain comma-tose?  You're not my type, so get off my case!"
  Despite his past perfect, he is, at present, tense. "Puhleeze, gag me with a spoonerism!" she objects. "As my Grammar and other correlatives used to say, your mind is in the guttural. I resent your umlautish behavior. You should know what the wages of syntax are. I nominative absolutely decline to conjugate with you fer sure!"
  "You get high quotation marks for that one," he smiles, "even if I think you're being rather subjunctive and moody about all this. I so admire your figure of speech that I would like to predicate my life on yours." So he gets himself into an indicative mood and says, "It would be appreciated by me if you would be married to me."
  "Are you being passive aggressive?" she asks interrogatively.
  "No, I'm speaking in the active voice. Please don't have a vowel movement about this. I simile want to say to you, ‘Metaphors be with you!' I would never want to change you and become a misplaced modifier. It's imperative that you understand that I'm very, very font of you and want us to spend infinitive together."
  "That's quite a complement," she blushes-and gives him appositive response.
   At the ceremonies they exchange wedding vowels about the compound subject of marriage. Finally, they say, "I do," which is actually the longest and most complex of sentences-a run-on sentence, actually-one that we all hope won't turn out to be a sentence fragment. Then the minister diagrams that sentence and says, "I now pronouns you consonant and vowel." They kiss each other on the ellipsis and whisper to each other, "I love you, noun forever."
  Throughout their marriage, their structure is perfectly parallel and their verbs never disagree with their subjects. After many a linking verve, comma splice and interjection, they conceive the perfect parent thesis. Then come some missing periods and powerful contractions, and into the world is born  their beautiful little boy. They know it is a boy because of its dangling participle."

"I've never had more fun extending a punnish theme." Richard Lederer

Stan Kegel, POTY 2000, says, "We all loved Tiff's RaPUNzel. But many of you do not remember that one of the greatest punsters of all time, John S, Crosbie, (may he rest in peace) founder of the International Pun Foundation wrote a piece he also called RaPUNzel, which I consider a masterpiece on a par with Tiff's.

 Here is his version of RaPUNzel:

 There once was a very poor but happy couple. Hans was a violinist, and his wife sewed his clothes for him. They spent many happy hours arguing with each other as they worked. "Keep your dissonance from me!" she would say.
"I'm always playing second fiddle," he would say. "How exactly do you string that violin?" she would say. "It takes guts," he would say. "Now hurry up with those pants or I'll sue you for a promise of breeches."

 "A piece of music is always spelled 'piece.' Peace and music never go together." They were very happy.
"Will it always be this way," Hans asked.
"From here ‘til maternity."

That time came quickly." Aren't you excited for a child?" she would say.
"It's nice irk if you can get it," he would say. Daily she would ask for odd types of food. One day, she turned to Hans and requested some radishes. Since they had no money, he would have to steal them from his neighbor's garden. Hewas reluctant to do this because his neighbor was a witch.
 "Can't you wait til we have some money to buy?"  "An empty purse is always the same," she said. "It never has any change
in it."

  "Please?" "You were gallant when I was a gal."  "And you were buoyant when I was a boy! It's just not right to do that."
 "Don't philosophize like that. Put Descartes before divorce. Besides, she can't be guardin' her garden.

  "Very shortly afterwards, Hans was in the witch's garden. The witch, named Odette, was not a beautiful woman. Rather, she was a build in a girdled cage.  As she saw Hans, he tried to explain himself.
 "I was just here admiring the garden."

 "Thanks," Odette said. "I always say, 'If you take care of the peonies, the dahlias will take care of themselves.' I solve all my problems by trowel and error. All those buds over there are trillium." "Wow. There are about that many of them."

  "I started the garden when my father died and was buried here." "What a beautiful way to cultivate his memory."
But the witch did not dilly-dahlia any longer. "En garden!" she said. She was tempted to kill him and eliminate the fiddle man, but instead she said,
"You can keep the radishes if you promise me one thing, your first born. ."
   "Odette, where is thy sting?" he said. I must agree. After all, he reasoned, what could she take? They didn't have very much. And she was so rich, she bottled her milk in quartz. She was not pour, even in milk. (If richness can be measured in milk--other than 1%, 2%, whole, and all that.)
Hans delivered the radishes to his wife, and she praised his work. "Oh, what foods these morsels be!"

  A baby girl, named Ma, was born. As she was, Odette appeared to claim her promise. In the whirlwind, she was gone again. Hans began to look around to see what was missing, but he was amiss until he looked at his wife.
"Look Hans," she said. "No Ma."
The witch had taken the girl away to the Midwest, because Missouri loves company.
  There, she kept the girl in an enormously high tower with an enormously high dower. She knew no one but the witch, who was relatively kin to her, and was happy. She didn't put up a petition about the witch's partition. She grew to be a simply radishing girl. Every day, Odette would stand beneath her tower window and say, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let your hair down." Rapunzel, for that was the girl's name, would let down her long, smooth, braid, and the witch would climb up to visit. Though the witch's visits were regular, Rapunzel had little sense of time. The witch had told her to tell time by looking at the sun, but she could never make out the numbers on its face. She squinted at the sun and was dilatory. After all, she had taken long enough. Finally the witch bought her a sundial.
  "There," she said. "Aren't you glad you use dial?" But the moor was not quite as lonely as Emily Bronte would suspect.
  Odette was soon to be the Bronte of a bad joke. You see, a prince heard her calling for Rapunzel. He was overcome, and so came over. When the witch left, he, too, called for Rapunzel to put down her hair. And she did. Never having seen a man before, she was overcome and came over.
 "What's your name?"
 "Darryl."
 "What were you doing?"
 "Hunting deer, dear."
 "I could use a little doe myself."
  As he left, Darryl thought to himself, "I should do this moor often." And he did, and, unfortunately, the two fell in love.
That's a moor, eh?
  Rapunzel tried to break it to Odette, but only gave vague clues. "It's a little lonely up here," she started.
  "I'll bring you some books," said the witch, and that was the end of that.
  The witch brought an old book by Juvenal the next day. When Rapunzel had finished the book, she returned it to the witch with another request. "Why don't you bring me a romance novel?"
  The witch's eyes dilated suspiciously.
She would have liked to be omniscient, but now found herself in a third-person situation.

  "I think this book has contributed to Juvenal delinquency," she thought. She brought the girl a copy of Canterbury tales, hoping that the wife of Bath would decrease her desire for a wedding shower.
Darryl came by again, and this time he brought a diamond ring.
  "Oh!" Rapunzel said. "A rock band!"
He looked her in the eye. "No, don't. Too many looks spoil the troth."
  "I'd like to mouth my sentiments and put my honey where my mouth is."
  "I'm always ready to provide lip service."  And Darryl married sixteen times--four richer, four poorer, four better, and four worse.
  Rapunzel had him lock, stock, and Darryl. Their emotions were really cooking, so they wokked out to the window and had a balcony scene.
It's a good thing they weren't seen.
  The next day, Odette called, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let your hair down."
 Out of the tower came an elope-eared hare. This was Darryl's sense of humor.
He didn't have humor, but he had a sense of it. But at a second request, she didn't let her hair down. She had no sense of time, you recall (as she recoils), and her visitors' visits had overlapped.
  "How are you making out up there?"
  "Just fine, thank you," muttered the girl.
  "I can't understand you; your teeth are grinding.  Get the grind out of your mutter. Stop upbraiding and throw down your braid!"

   "Her voice is grinding on me," said Darryl.
  "Can't you get the grind out of your mother?"
   Rapunzel called down, "I'm just up here having tea."
  "Is there anyone up there with you, Rapunzel?"
  "No one but my cup and Chaucer."
  "Put down that archaic book and let me up."
  "We cannot have archaic and eat it too."
In a rage, the witch ran and got two ladders. The first was too short, so she used the latter.  She saw the prince and said, "Have you already promised to love Rapunzel?"
   "Yes. My word is my bond."
Odette immediately pulled out a bow and sparrow and shot it at Darryl, blinding him as she said, "My bird is my wand."
  She threw the prince out of the tower and banished Rapunzel.

  The couple spent many years wandering and wondering, looking for the other. Rapunzel had twins in the desert. She was getting her just deserts. She didn't have enough money for full meals most of the time. Just desserts. She tried begging for food, but was unsuccessful. They didn't like to see a woman with two children and no husband.

   She made up lies about how she had come across the twins, She told a story about how a Chinese couple had given her the two to take care of. But one man looked at the babies and said, "Two Wongs don't make a white." All poor Rapunzel could say was "Occidents will happen" and consign herself to Hungary.
She earned money by selling ring-necked birds to Shriners, who called them fezants. But this failed quickly and she lived off desserts and hard candy again,
a Pezant. Everything was against her.
Not only was it raining cats and dogs, it was hailing taxis.

  The blind prince, meanwhile, was also wandering the world in search of his love.He went to Arabia and searched on a magic carpet powered by a turban engine.
He went to Egypt and tried to pick up Cairo-practy, but eventually backed out because the government taxed his patients.

   He found himself in Mexico, where his quest was reinvigorated by a man who said he would never see his Rapunzel again. He pushed his enemy into a lake and ran away before the Inca was dry. He regretted being blind then, because he never saw the Juan that got away. Oh well. You seen Juan, you seen them all.

  When he passed the Finnish line, he knew he was at the last Lapp.
He finally came across his family in Hungary. Rapunzel let her heirs down, held her husband in her arms and wept.
A tear landed in his eye and he was able to see. She handed him one of the children to hold. "My word, it's my blonde!" he said.

  They lived happily ever after as king and queen in a legally blinding ceremony in his kingdom and spent the rest of their life thinking of puns. "I can make a pun on you," Rapunzel told him once. "I don't think so." "I can make a pun on any subject," she said. "Ah. But the king is not a subject."

JJJ

Joe McDaniel of Owings Mills submits these "e addresses".

ePistle.com: National Rifle association?
eSpouse.com: Marriage counseling?
eStray.com: ASPCA?
eXacting.com: X-Files actors?
eSsence.com: Perfume?
eClipse.com: Hair barrette collector site? eLite.com: Dieting?
eLector.com: "Silence of the Lambs" eLigible.com: Hand writing?
eQuip.com: More punsters?
eMerge.com: Traffic Congestion?
eNact.com: Naturally talented people?
eNumerate.com: Census?
eSkimo.com: Skiing students?

JJJ

July there and August of wind is coming.

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 21 July 2000

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Proof Redr: Jean Sturdy

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

 Email to nngilbert@punpunpun.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com

August 2000

Summer puns, end summer not. What are you JUNE? JULY around all day waiting for AUGUST of word play?  Well hear it is.

JJJJ

Bartender: "What'll you have?"
Consumer: "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars,"
The imbiber says, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you
anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then offers, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the smiling drinker, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, the winner walks into the bar.

The bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
"What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

"I'm very sorry, sir, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
 "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

(I felt this was justified.)

JJJJ

The PUNY riddle chain is composed of 10 players who participate in seemingly endless rounds of riddles that circulate throughout the group.
 GARY (the riddle master) HALLOCK composted these.

Gary Hallock asks:  In the 1970's, the chief designer at General Motors was quite unhappy with the minimal advertising the company put behind his pet project, a particular small car. He decided to quit in disgust. What were his bitter parting words to the bosses as he stormed out?
"Take this job and Chevette!"

What famous mountain did Li'l Abner come from?
Al Cappatan

What Hollywood cowboy could never quite make it to the round-up?
OBLONG CASSIDY

What's the name of the Oscar winning 1987 film that seems to have been named after a large vehicle owned by a controversial Korean minister?

MOON'S TRUCK

When a retired platform speaker begins to reminisce nostalgically about his career, of what is he thinking?

THE GOOD OLD DIAS

Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?

A THREE-PEA SUIT

At the Senior Olympics they have a sprinting race for men with a fairly healthy head of hair. It is known to be a hair-racing event. There is another race just for geezers with almost no hair. What's it called?

THE BALDER DASH

Stan Kegel asks:
What is the term for a train ticket for a sleeping compartment?
A Berth Certificate

What did it cost Jean Lafitte to have his ears pierced?

ABOUT A BUCK AN EAR

Where does NASA report a missing satellite?

IN THE ORBITUARY COLUMN

What entertainer came from a small, closely knit family?

MINI PURL

Which Shakespearian character killed the most chickens?
In Hamlet, Claudius did murder most foul!

What best-selling author was a carpenter from Utah?
Morman Nailer

According to the Bible, who talked at the youngest age?

JOB. HE CURSED THE DAY HE WAS BORN

Cynthia MacGregor asks:

Years ago, scientists developed artificial sugars. In more recent years artificial fat. In 1999, scientists invented  artificial spaghetti.

What was the brand name?

IMPASTA

A noted German physicist was accorded great courtesy and wherever he went it was, "Oh, Herr Doktor, come in," "Herr Doktor, so good to see you."
Then one day his important theory was discredited, and suddenly no one was happy to listen to him. Whatever he said, he heard, "Oh, go on."
Said the physicist, "That's the trouble with fame. It's 'Herr' today
and 'Go on' tomorrow."

Lars Hanson asks: What medium should the psychic friends have used to disseminate their predictions?
TELL-A-VISION.

JJJJ

Orthopedic Surgery

I have this friend who seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor and have his legs checked out.
For years he refused,  told me I was crazy. But last week, he did go, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4"
shorter than his right.
A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs
are exactly the same length now. He no longer leans.
"So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."
He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

JJJJ

Stan Kegel M.D. Punster of the Year 2000 puts together a parcel of puns for internet browsers, each week. He calls it,"PUNS OF THE WEAK. Here are a phew phor you too review.

A chorus girl gets her education by stages, a college girl by degrees.

Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.

If yew wood be like Johnny Appleseed, yew wood be well advised to visit Maryland because that's where an apple is. Unless you wish to try the native variety, In which case you'll need to visit Indiana because that's where Indian apple is. (Gary Hallock )

Protuberance: Small insects that is fond of potatoes. (Gary Hallock)

Answer: Elton John.
Question: How is John Elton listed in the phone book? (Stan Kegel)

Headlines: HMO Agrees to End Physician Capitation.  M.D.s de-capitation to begin mmediately.

Tylenol suppositories now available in chewable form.

(M. Furfur, M. D.)

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero.
Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience. (Donna Ecker)

Coup de Gras: A Lawnmower

Teaching in Louisiana is an

edu-Cajun. (Carlos Benjamin)

The attributes of bathing suits
For lasses of lithesome limb
Make me inquire
If this attire
Is worn to slink or swim.

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful.  It's "digestively
challenged."

"Your embroidery is sloppy," Tom needled cruelly  (Richard Lederer)

c My teacher told me that my book report needed a proofreader. Indignant, I asked my teacher to call my mother, who had seen me reading the book. (Scot Nelson)

How many calves did the cow have? About heifer dozen. (James D. Ertner)

JJJJ

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

See you in September

Volume 21 AUGUST 2000

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Proof Redr: Jean Sturdy

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

 Email to nngilbert@punpunpun.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com

September 2000

In my recent "Pundit" article, "Letter-Perfect Grammar Puns," parts of the narrative I had received over years in unidentified fragments via email became embedded in my story. Only after publication did I discover that they were from Gary Roma's "Love Letters," published earlier in "The Pundit." While I substantially embellished the idea, the core concept and a number of the details in my version are Gary's and the piece is his property. I have learned to be more careful about using swatches received by e-mail and sincerely regret the unauthorized use of Gary Roma's material.    Rich Lederer

    "Richard Lederer is the King of Language Comedy. His Anguished English books are the funniest I have ever read, and "The Bride of Anguished English" is the most delightful and hilarious of all," so said Sidney Sheldon.
   "Laughter is the jam on the toast of life. It adds flavor, keeps it from
being too dry, and makes it easier to swallow," writes Diane Johnson.
 Now from America's 'Abbot of Absurdity' comes The Bride of
Anguished English. This "Bonus of Bloopers, Blunders, Botches, and Boo-Boos" is a Book of the Month Club and Quality Paperback selection. There are of course other collections of student and headline

bloopers, but Lederer's 'Bride' features twenty-nine different categories!
  These goofs and gaffes include a history of the United States written entirely in student bloopers, in which you'll discover that Columbus's ships were named the Nina, the Pinta Colada, and the Santa Fe.
 You'll also discover fluffs and flubs from the world of politics, sports, courts, churches, advertising, travel, foreign menus, pop culture, and the press. 

    Moreover, the pages of  'The Bride of Anguished English' are chock full of kiddisms, malapropisms, mixed metaphors, typos, spellos, and misplaced modifiers -- the mangled meanderings that Funk would never tell Wagnall and that Miriam would never confide to Webster. At the end of each chapter repose Hall of Fame departments, showcasing the greatest of each type of goof ever perpetrated.
   Best of all, each and every blooper, blunder, botch, and boner is an uncut, unpolished gem -- absolutely genuine, certified, authentic, and unretouched.

After all, nobody could fake the quality of:

*Julius Caesar's last words were "Eat you, Brutus!"
* Jose Canseco's agent says that Jose wants to play the outfield in
the worst way.

JJJ

 (The following was reprinted from actual court records. Although it is not a play on words it is a playful use of words.)
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

JJJ

Is an incompetent doctor a Hippocratic oaf?

 (Lawrence Brotherton)

                      JJJ

The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it. (Aiken Drum)

JJJ

I used to be a heavy gambler.

But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind. (Steve Allen)
Flosstrophobia: Fear of getting something stuck between your teeth.(L.R.Thoennes)

JJJ

In order to heat the hen house, and keep the chickens from leaving, the farmer put in a fireplace, complete with a solid brick chimney. You might say he flue the coop.

JJJ

The first scientists who studied fog were mistified.  (Mike Bull)

JJJ
 
Headline: Miners Refuse to Work After Death (Ron Klar)

JJJ

Wattage:  How you ask a person how old they are. (Jay Christie)

JJJ

In Beijing a man was run over by a steam roller.  When he came to, he
was awfully crabby. You might say he was a crushed Asian. 

JJJ

Flirtation: Attention without intention. (Lee Daniel Quinn)

"I'm a mathematician," Tom added summarily. (Richard Lederer)

JJJ

Sign on the petshop window: "Every customer receives a free legless parakeet. No perches necessary" (Gary Hallock)

JJJ

With everything you read about spray cans and the ozone layer it's
enough to scareosol to death.

  (Mike Bull)

JJJ

'Heel, Spike' said Tom stiletto loss for words. (David Reihmer)

JJJ

 "I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.  (Dave Cable)

JJJ

The hydrant's where city kids play,
Just prancing and dancing away.
Now it's coolth in a torrent
For the warmth that's abhorrent

For relief from the heat let us spray. (Lars Hanson)

JJJ

Bruise: A six pack of beer. 

(Stan Kegel)

Sherbet: A horse that can't lose. (Dave Coble)

JJJ
 
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

 (Samuel Langhorne Clemens)

JJJ

 Exposition: The location of yokes on your plate (Hershy)

JJJ

 Could you say that a cannibalistic lion might swallow his pride?

 (Ken Shurget)

JJJ

 My wife went to the corner market. Bought two corners.

  (Henny Youngman)

JJJ

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. We're going back next year. (Groucho Marx)

JJJ

I am an artist. My brother is an artist. You might say we are a pair of drawers. (Harvey Gordon)

JJJ

"The picture of the horse is good. But where is the wagon?" "Oh, the
horse will draw that." (Helen Hoke)

JJJ

Bastille: What the bars are made of in a French prison.

JJJ

GARY (Riddlemaster) HALLOCK has beat on the following conundrums for our solving pleasure.

• Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled.
  It's the difference of a pinion. (Stan Kegel)

•·       What crazy fraternity members love fire?
Pi Rho maniacs. (Lars Hanson)

• What might be a hooker's favorite flavor of ice cream?
  PROSTITUTTI-FRUTTI (Gary Hallock)

• What type of rich pastry would be appropriate for a person who is a
  great fan of classical music?
  BAKKLAVA (Gary Hallock)

• What Bogart film might have been about a Star Trek character hanging around the food court taunting people?
  The Mall Tease Vulcan. (Gary Hallock)

•·       What is the difference between an excellent aviator and a best-selling author?
One has the Wright stuff, while the other has the write stuff. (Lars Hanson)

JJJ

...And so as we close down the summer and prepare for a fall, our thoughts go out to masquerades, shell outings, goblins, broomsticks and such. If you have any ideas for any Halloween word play, be they masked in puns or spoonerisms or limericks, or what have you; please send them along to us for inclusion in the October Pundit.

JJJ

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

OC c/u TOBER

Volume 21 September 2000

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Proof Redr: Jean Sturdy

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

 Email to ngilbert@punpunpun.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com

October 2000

Richard Lederer has cooked up this menu of puns especially for Halloween.

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.

What's the favorite food of mathematicians? Pumpkin pi.

Grains
Ghost Toasties

Scream of Wheat

Pentagram Crackers

with Poisonbury Jam

Brain Muffins

Entrees
Hungarian Ghoul Ash

Frank 'n' Stein
Stake Sandwitch

Littleneck Clams
Halloweenie Black Catfish

Warlocks and Bagels

Side Dishes
Spook-ghetti

Deviled Eggs

Artichokes;

Skullions
Scarrots

Ghost liver Patìé

Fruits
Adam's Apple

Necktarines 

Desserts
I Scream

Booberry Pie
Terrormisu

 Ladyfingers
Ghoulda Cheese

 Monster Cheese

...And for a beverage

Ghoul Ade Coffin with Scream
Zombie Apple Spider

You can visit and explore Richard's Verbivore site at
http://www.pobox.com/~verbivore

JJJ

Signs of the Semi-Demented

(These were seen on the Internet)

...in a Veterinarian's office:
"All unattended children will be given a free kitten"
 ...in the parking lot outside the Vet's office:

"Parking for customers only, others will be neutered."
...in a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
...on a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
...Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
...At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
...Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello, we can help pick your nose?"
...Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
... At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want
tows."
... Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

... On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
...In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."
...On maternity room door:  "Push, Push, Push."
... At an optometrists office: "If you don't see what your looking for
you've come to the right place."
...On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
...In a Podiatrist's office:  "Time wounds all heels."
...Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you
coming."
... Inside a bowling alley:" Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
...In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

...In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

JJJ

Riddles from the pens of the PUNY (Visit the P.U.N.Y. and O.Henry Museum websites! http://bounce.to/puny

Recently a new religious cult has sprung up in the state of Washington.
What might their gospel be called?
The Spokane Word. (Lars Hanson)

What piece of gymnastic equipment may be found on both sides of skid row?
PARALLEL BARS.

What's the common term used to describe outrageous price gouging
practices at the tire stores along the interstate?
HIGHWAY RUBBERY

Ebeneezer Scrooge retired to Southern California and made a fortune
customizing Volkswagen Beetles for surfers to drive around on the beaches.
What did he call his business?
Baja Humbuggies  (Gary Hallock)

When the cops raided the strip joint, whom did they arrest?
Every bawdy.

Why do skunks show up at the voting place on Election Day?
They are poll cats?  (That makes some scents.)

What former world ruler was a proponent of Daylight Savings Time?
German Chancellor Konrad Add an hour  "Der Alte" (Cynthia MacGregor).

Who originated the five-day workweek?
Robinson Crusoe was able to get all his work done by Friday. (Stan Kegel)
 
What is the difference between a skit about the wages of sin and a scam in which diluted solutions are sold as full-strength?
One is a morality play, the other a molarity ploy.

Every Thanksgiving in my family we would all get together for a family dinner. We were a large family but could only afford one turkey. The children were all at a separate table, and would have to wait for the platters to reach us after passing through the adults. Even though I longed for some white meat, all too often the turkey would run out before the platters reached us, and I would not even get dark meat. We would have to settle for hot dogs. From that experience, I learned a very valuable lesson in life. That lesson is captured in what saying?
Hope for the breast, but prepare for the wurst.

Richard was watching the happy bovines, mooing and grinning in the
pastures, and the scene inspired him to write an opera about it.  What was
this famous opera called?

Low 'n Grin.

Why are one presidential candidate's supporters like Australians living
in the outback?
Both are Bushmen  (Lars Hanson).

When the passenger found the bed was too hard, the water too cold, and other
problems with his sleeping car arrangements he complained to the
conductor about what?
Berth Defects (Sometimes resulting in Pullmanary distress. C.Lynch Varnadore).

JJJ

Could garments with designer labels be called  "Clothes Captioning"? An idea dressed up by M.L. Taylor.

JJJ

Once there were three priests, classmates who graduated at the same time.
They were Father O'Connor, Father Michaels, and Father Secola. 

About 5 years later, they were Monsignor O'Connor, Monsignor
Michaels, and Father Secola.

10 years later, they were Bishop O'Conner, Bishop Michaels, and Father Secola.

When Father Secola heard that his classmate was becoming Cardinal
O'Connor, he went to the Arch Cardinal.
"Please, I don't mean to be disrespectful, and I don't want to cause trouble, but I am troubled. These two men graduated with me. I have seen no real difference in how they do their jobs as compared to
me. But they are becoming cardinals and I am still a priest. Have I done something wrong?"
The Arch-Cardinal smiled. "No, you have done nothing wrong. But the Church sometimes must act subtly to avert potential problems. Were you to become cardinal, and our pontiff was to die, anything could happen. And while we have nothing against soft drinks, we don't believe that the world is ready for
a Pope Secola." Secular thoughts from Filksinger.

JJJ

How does an Italian get rid of spells?
He makes a six-sided figure and there, a Hexagon.

JJJ

"People who hate cats are really dogmatic about it," purred Tim Brown

JJJ

Tiff Wimberley asks, WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN? and then answers,

The Pitcher's Club?
Is there a catch?

The Carpenter's Club?
Yes, I wood!

The Gymnast's Club?
In a splits second!

The Gambler's Club?
You bet I would!

                       JJJ

In keeping with seasonal word play I thought these excerpts from synagogue newsletters would in some way say Happy New Year.

Don't let worry kill you. Let your
synagogue help.

Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in
his private study.

The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community  center. Music will follow.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
Mrs. Glodblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah.
Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
We are taking up a collection to defray the costs of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

 If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week:

 "I Upped My Pledge  Up Yours."

JJJ

What do you call apes who barbeque in a light rain?
Grillers in the mist. (Charcoal this one up to Mark R. Pearson)

JJJ

Pun till November then, remember that

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 21 October 2000

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Deskstuff and full time critic:RosannaBorgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to nilbert@punpunpun.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com

November 2000

The Conundrums' unmistakable beat let the natives know PUNS were coming.

LLJL

If a shut-in were married to his mattress would he be a

Bed Wedder?

JJLL

What is left when a person gives up? Down?  B) Right?

JJLJ

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  If you are
allergic to something and you eat it there is a reaction.  A rash person
would think, swell.  A patient person's doctor would think, Calamine lotion.

JJJL

"Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender says, "Yes, we have

Pabst Blue Ribbon mixed with Smirnoff Vodka."
"Damn, what the hell is that?"
 "Well we call it a 'Pabst Smir'!"

JJJL

After 20 years in railroading, my career ran out of steam so I changed tracks and went into retail management.  I'm now working for a major bookseller.
As I start this new chapter in my life, I wonder: "If the bookstore
gives me an employment contract, will it be binding?"
If you come to my store and can't find me, just have them page me.
This could get verse, you know.
They have a good health plan - everyone gets their appendix out.
I'm going to set up a display of books on temporary prison housing, The Table of Con Tents.
Do part-time employees get semi-colon cancer?
In the interview I had to demonstrate my mathematical skills by drawing a pair o' graphs.
I also tried to give them a sample of my writing skills, but they gave
the paperback.

This should be a great career for a foreword thinking person like me.
Most of the employees here are great, but the manager has no spine.
All right, since ya'll are being so mean, I'm taking my book and going tome!
Once again, ReGards, from
Life Member Anita Gard.

JJLJ

"I think this is an original," says Harry Tapper.

A group of friends went duck hunting.  One of them insisted on setting out the decoys.  "There must always be an equal number of male decoys and female decoys" he told them.  "You see, I'm an equal opportunity deployer."

Darlene Davis asks,

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algaebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy, as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you plan to fail, and succeed, did you?

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids?

JJLL

An employment history from Tiffany Wimberley:

I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah,
they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave
me the axe.

I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.  It was a
sew-sew job.
I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard.
I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.
I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
"Urinary incontinence really impedes me", says David Ben Dead,

JJLJ

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?  Lewis O'brien

Mark Becker says that this is from an actual conversation between a married couple:
I thought you liked your meat raw?
Only on rare occasions...

JJLJ

From the Halls of Hallock

Deedja here about the book that John Steinbeck wrote about the spices in his kitchen?

"Of my cinnamon"

Deedja here that the Super Bowl this year is being billed as the clash of the tight ends?

JJLJ

Pat Artis suggests these missfinitions sent to her via Dr. Bernie Domanski:

BECKON: "Kin I have beckon 'stead of the sausage?"

VITAMIN: "Don't let the man stand outside. Vitamin!"

MERINGUE: "Meringue is gettin' a little tight on ma fanger."

ARMAGEDDON: "Armageddon tard of this bad weather."

ANNHEUSER: "Annheuser pa? He feelin' any better?"

ANOMALY: "Anomaly drink Pepsi, but ahl hev a Coke, few don't mind."

CAUTERIZE: "The waitress'll be heah soon. I cauterize."

MERLIN: "Ma momma's from Virginny and ma daddy's from Merlin."

JJLJ

Joe  McDaniel writes from Maryland, "My sister-in-law has subscribed me to your newsletter (knowing of my predilection to punning...)
I ran across a new Web presence a few days ago called e.Piffany.com and my brain started racing with other possibilities. The first (and, perhaps best) was:"

ePhemeral.com -- Site for people with upper leg amputations suffering from phantom pains?
eClipse.com -- Hair barrette collector site?
eGest.com -- Punsters?
eGo.com -- Traffic engineers?
eGypt.com -- Shysters?
eLapse.com -- I forget what this was for.
eLate.com -- Chronically tardy?
eLector.com -- "Silence of the Lambs" lovers?
eLeven.com -- Bread baking?
eLied.com -- Prevarication?
eLigible.com -- Hand writing?
eLite.com -- Dieting?
eLude.com -- Drug dependency?
eMend.com -- Clothing repair?
eMerge.com -- Traffic Congestion?
eNact.com -- Naturally talented people?
eNumerate.com - Census takers?
eQuip.com -- More punsters?
eSkimo.com -- Skiing students?
eSpouse.com -- Marriage counseling?
eStray.com -- SPCA?
eXacting.com -- X-Files actors?
eSsence.com -- Perfume?
eTymon.com -- Shakespeare lovers?

eNough, and eGress

JJJJ

Allen Warren on golf.

These ironic puns are sub par!  I'd like to club the fringe element that's responsible, and bag the hole idea.  Of course, my wife thinks it's a fair way to go: she would wedge her way in and duffer hat to them.  But they're too rough, and it's driving me crazy.  Call it the greening of America. Bogey would love it, as would my b-eagles, Chip and Spike. I'm getting so teed off, I may cart myself off and become a sand Trappist monk.

JJJL

Procrastinate today!
Don't postpone postponement.

We're glad Jim Hotchkiss finally decided to submit this.

JJLJ

As we come to the close of this the second last issue of the millennium, we are anticipating a big finish to the Twentieth Century and an even better start to the Twenty-first.

LLLJ

Pun till December, remember,

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 21 November 2000

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 years or a Life membership is $125.

Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Deskstuff and full time critic:RosannaBorgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to nilbert@punpunpun.com

On the web at www.punpunpun.com

December 2000

Compliments of the season to you. To begin this, the last Pundit of the century, and the Holiday issue at that, as a token of our appreciation for you the members of the ISTPF, this issue is complimentary. As will be all future December issues for as long as you are a member.

A hot dog vender was selling a ten-foot bratwurst. Remarked a passer by:

"I never sausage a thing."

My father-in-law must have been particularly scatterbrained one day when he told us about a friend who worked one season harvesting grain in the Midwest.  According to Ben, his friend started
in the north and gradually moved south throughout the season, working on
the concubines, reaped Life Member Anita Moravec Gard. 

My brother's a parole supervisor. On the other end of incarceration, I wonder if

a new jail detainee is required to use a cell phone in order to get his one call?  Life member Dave Tozier sent this one.

Ham and Shem were through with their labours and rested, watching their father.
He raised his eyes to the heavens and said, "Okay, Lord, we got the ark all built. Now what?"
A booming voice replied, "Noah, you must go forth and gather two of each kind of animal, one male and one female, that they may replenish the earth when my waters recede."
"Ummm... listen, that's well and good for replenishing and all that, but what are we gonna eat on board this ark, if you don't mind my asking? I mean I got a family to feed!"
"You have a point there. You may take six of each kind of beast that is pleasing to the taste. Keep two, eat four.
"Fine, O Lord, verily this is fine! Yum yum. Four sheep..."
Ham turned to Shem and said, "We're going to eat mutton? Yuk!"
Shem grinned and said, "Well, Ham isn't Kosher!" Ham did a double take, and then hastily agreed that this was the case. "But are we really going to have to eat tough old mutton? Shem nodded, pointed to his dad, and replied, 

"There's Noah, counting four tastes." (from "Mephistoff Ellis")

Many a pet will become a gift in this the giving season. Here are a few of the gifted breeds you may see getting wrapped attention, with mixed feelings:

Collie mixed with a Lhaso Apso 

Collapso, one that folds up for   

easy transportation.

Terrier mixed with a Bulldog

Terribull, one that makes awful mistakes.

(Who let the dogs out?)

Bloodhound mixed with a  Labrador

Blabador, one that never stops barking.

Great Pyrenees +Dachshund

Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

Newfoundland mixed with a Basset Hound

Newfound Asset Hound, a pet for financial advisors.

Labrador Retriever mixed with a Curley Coated Retriever

Lab coat Retriever, which is the choice of research scientists.

Malamute mixed with a Pointer

Moot Point, owned by...oh, well it doesn't matter anyway.

Pekinese mixed with a Lhaso Apso

Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Deerhound mixed with a Terrier

Derriere, true to the end.

Bull terrier mixed with a Shitzu

Oops, never mind.

Pointer mixed with a Setter,

A traditional Christmas pet.

The production manager of a large manure processing plant was dismayed to
learn that several machines had broken down, allowing the facility to produce at only one-fourth its capacity. He conferred with his foremen, then gathered all the employees together and said, "We simply must make doo with what we have!"

Miccion Impossible? The poor person with a prostate problem. Sent to us by René F. Gastelumendi, who tells us mind our p's in q's.

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news.

"Please join me in remembering a great icon," the veteran Pillsbury Spokesman eulogized.
"The Pillsbury Doughboy's younger brother died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The
California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered a eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was Kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his time on half-baked schemes. Despite being
a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Towards the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas he was no tart. His wife, Play Dough, two children John Dough and Jane Dough, plus one in the oven survive Doughboy. His elderly father Pop Tart also survives him."

Haiku from GARY (seventeen syllables on the election)HALLOCK.

Is this what they mean
When candidates on the stump
Start courting our votes.

Haiku from Guy Ben-Moshe.

When pygmies compete
in a good luck charm contest
the talisman wins.

*Anita M. Gard

 
 
My cousin said he was going to open a dairy farm in Israel and call it

"Cheeses of Nazareth".

And then there was the judge that ate his notes and later passed sentence. *

Driving to work, a gentleman swerved to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton fall on to the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Did you hear on the radio this morning that Viagra sales are "on the rise"?

Deedja hear about the dog which chased after a squirrel while on rope? He ran so hard that he was choking to death. A neighbor, seeing it happen, rushed out and gave the dog C.P.R. It is said the dog has a new leash on life ?

As father always insisted, "a sock on a foot is worth two on the jaw".

...And how about the cat that got stuck in a computer monitor? He was playing cat-n-mouse? Gordon Young submitted these three.

Copyright Explained

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right.  If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy.  If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write.  A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the
right to write.  His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright.  Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which
Wright would have the right to right.
Right?

What is the currant price of jam?
Where would hostile youths stay while traveling in Europe?
Smoking takes money from the Coughers.
What is a good Turkey Baste on?

Mike Taylor asks, "DooWaa Diddy, Did he dum or did he do?"

To put 'finis' on the twentieth century's final Pundit, Punster of the Year 2000, Stan Kegel, ends with these 2 STUBBY TALES:

Sign of the Economy

"Benny is a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How so?"
"His hairline is in recession,

his stomach is a victim of inflation,
and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."

Sport

A Latin American tour guide was addressing a small group of senior
citizens and telling them about the country they were visiting. When he
asked if they had any questions, one person inquired, "What is the
number one sport in this country?"
"Bullfighting," the guide replied.
The same person asked, "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," replied the tour guide. "That's number two!"

Have a punderful holiday and remember,

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 21 December 2000

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members.

Membership is $29 for 1 year,  $55 for 2 years, $80 for 3 year or a Life membership is $125. Life membership includes 5 years of the Pundit.

Publisher: Jim Hilborn

Circulation Manager: Tym Tureenu

Customer Service: Marlene Corbett

Pruf-reedr: Jean Sturdy

Deskstuff and full time critic:RosannaBorgh

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

 Box 5040, Station A,

 Toronto Ontario, M5W1N4 Canada

Email to ngilbert@punpunpun.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com