PUNDITS FROM 2004
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The Pundit

The official 'e' newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

January 2004

Richard Lederer's new book, The Name is the Game, suggests a few word plays that we may play and so, here are some of the games that are word playing.

These days, we often attend conferences, parties and other gatherings where we are asked to wear name tags that say, "Hello, I'm _____." One of the most punderful games I play with children encourages them to mess around with names. The object is to match a real first name with a real profession to spark a punny connection. Here are some of the sprightliest responses I've received from children and adults. I hope you'll come up with a few sug-jest-ions of your own.

Hello, my name is . . .Abby, and I'm a Mother Superior. Arthur, and I'm a writer. Barb, and I sell wire. Belle, and I play the carillon. Candy, and I'm a confectioner. Carrie, and I'm a porter. Claude, and I'm a lion tamer. Clay, and I make pottery. Cookie, and I'm a baker. Dean, and I'm a college chancellor. Derrick, and I'm in the oil business. Dick, and I'm a detective. Dustin, and I'm a custodian. Hans, and I'm a manicurist. Harold, and I'm a messenger. Harry, and I'm a barber. Herb, and I'm a chef. Homer, and I'm a baseball player. Jean, and I'm a DNA researcher. Jim, and I train boxers. Jimmy, and I'm a safecracker. Joe, and I sell coffee. Josh, and I'm a comedian. Manuel, and I write instruction books. Marshall, and I'm a peace officer. Mary, and I'm a justice of the peace. Matt, and I sell rugs. Mike, and I'm an announcer. Pat, and I am a masseur. Pete, and I'm a gardener. Rex, and I own a junkyard. Rob, and I'm a thief. Rod, and I sell guns. Russell, and I'm a cattle thief. Woody, and I'm a forester.

Even more spectacular are serial puns on names and professions. Hello, our names are . . .Annette, Bob, Brooks, Eddie, Gil, and Tad, and we're fishermen. April, May, June and Tuesday, and we make calendars. Art, Drew, Garrett and Hugh, and we're painters. Avery, Jay and Robin, and we raise birds. Barry, Doug and Paul, and we're undertakers. Bette and Chip, and we're croupiers. Bea, Honey and Nat, and we're entomologists. Bill, Buck and Penny, and we work at the mint. Brandy and Sherry, and we're bartenders. Bud, Daisy, Holly, Iris, Lily, Pansy, Rose and Violet, and we sell flowers. Bunny and Warren, and we raise rabbits. Carmen, Jack, Otto, Phillip and Rusty, and we work on cars. Cherry and Melanie, and we sell fruit. Chuck, Frank and Stu, and we're butchers. Cliff and Craig, and we're mountaineers. Dawn and Gail, and we're meteorologists. Faith, Hope, Charity, Grace and Neal, and we're ministers. Flo, John and Lou, and we're plumbers. Ira and Rich, and we're investment advisers. Jules, Opal, Pearl, Ruby and Sapphire, and we're jewelers. Kitty and Tom, and we raise cats. Les and Skip, and we're dieticians. Lute and Melody, and we're musicians. Sandy, Shelly and Wade, and we're lifeguards at the beach. Sue and Will, and we're lawyers.

JIRO TOMIYAMA has a Word Ployer's Compunion - Puntionary - Word player's Compundium from which we glean the following plays that will play on us for what its word.

1. Is the hole worth more than some of its parts? The Rabbit hole of language, that is, and what better way to celebrate going down that hole than with the instruction contained in this digtionary?

2. No self-respecting word player need go into the world without his own dictionary-providing that he seize what's coming.

3. To "de-fine" something sounds almost like you're taking away its dignity if you happen to be a word player and to "re-define" something would mean to do it all over again. Our purposes here then are to take away the dignity of a thing by doing it all over again.

4. To "de-fine" something sounds almost like you're taking away its dignity
if you happen to be a word player. And to "re-define" something would mean
to do it all over again. Our purposes here then are to take away the dignity
of a thing by doing it all over again. No self-respecting word player need go
into the world without his own dictionary-providing that he seize what's
coming.

Admired.. Swamped with commercials.
Advice.. To build a casino.
Annihilate..An African river flooding after its normal season.
Antipasto..Opposed to spaghetti and similar food.
Appealing..What's left over when you've eaten a banana.
Ascent..An aroma.
Autocracy..Government by a car maker.
Axiomatic..A self working hatchet.
Balderdash..A sprint competition among older men.
Bangor..A drummer.
Banshee..No women allowed.
Bangalore..Excessive bragging about sexual exploits.
Bandoleer..A group of sailors staring at a pretty girl.
Barbed Wire..Offensive e-mail.
Bedraggle..To pull a sleeping cot from place to place.
Biased..One posterior too many.
Bilious..Resembling a Pelican.
Bombay..A holding area for high explosives on a plane.
Bonafied..Made skeletal.
Brigantine..Pre-adult outlaw.
Brisket..To speed something up.
Brokerage..A wrecking yard.
Cantonese..Unable to perform in this particular posture.
Career..The trunk and rear bumper.
Castanet..To fish and otherwise snare.
Castrate..To evaluate all the actors in a movie or play.
Catacomb..To groom your mouse catcher.
Catalina..An off balance house pet.
Catsup..To come from behind.
Cauterize..Got her to take notice.
Chancery..A casino.
Cobalt..Jointly hairless.
Contradistinction..Oppositon to the removal of anything smelly.
Cordless..Without anything to bind.
Curtailed..After-appendaged like a dog.
Dense..The general business of an auto repair shop.
Diatribe..To perish as a group.
Dinghy.. A doorbell.
Dismember..To remove from an organization.
Dollop..To dress up attractively.
Disclose..Undress.
Dissolute..An improper greeting or presentation.
Dumbfounded..Idiotically established.
Eavesdrop..The collapse of a roof overhang.
Expanse..Now a pair of shorts.
Exposed..A retired model.
Forthcoming..Three visits weren't enough.
Germination..The birthplace of Beethoven.
Hebrew..A drink for men only.
Hi-fidelity..A devoted couple.
Hologram..An extremely hungry old woman.
Hindsight..The view from a caboose.
Idiomatic..Automatically stupid.
Incensed..Overcome by smoky aromas.
Indisposed..Discarded by swallowing.
Impeccable..Bird proof.
Imposture..Incorrect standing or sitting.
Institute..A spontaneous session of wind and brass instruments.
Lackluster..Low sex drive.
Lambaste..To tend the roast.
Lightning..Removing weight.
Lobster..A stone throwing gangster.
Logarithm..Tapping out the beat of a tune on a tree trunk.
Longing..To lengthen.
Malapropism..The poor construction of a set.
Maintenance..Principle renters.
Mangrove..A group of basketball players standing together.
Metaphysician..Introduced to a doctor.
Miasma..Self described respiratory disorder.
Minnesota..A small soft drink.
Misgivings..The returns following Christmas.
Mistress..To strain incorrectly or abortively.
Mostaccioli..Greasy facial hair under the nose.
Motor Court..Engine trials.
Nipponese..To humble oneself while taking a drink.
Outlay..A fresh air tyrst for lovers.
Oxymoronic..Bull headed.
Palliation..Making friends.
Presentable..Capable of receiving gifts.
Privy Council..Any meeting that takes place in a bathroom.
Proposition..The arrangement of a stage set.
Ragamuffin..Sloppy baking.
Rebuttal..Cosmetic surgery on the hindquarters.
Reckless..A junkyard with no inventory.
Recorded..To bind up all over again.
Referral..Mynoxidol therapy.
Relentless..Unborrowed again.
Robust..A disqualified sculling crew.
Root Canal ..An irrigation ditch for a turnip patch.
Rorshach Test..Checking your emotional condition after a Lion howls in your ear.
Rutabaga..Asking for free carrots.
Scintillate..To behave badly into the morning hours.
Sentimental..An aroma on the brain.
Serial Killers..Crop circlers.
Shiftless..An automatic transmission.
Singapore..A candidate for voice training.
Spurious..A cowboy.
Steering Committee..Two or more back seat drivers.
Stupefaction..The least intelligent group in an argument.
Subscribing..Poor handwriting.
Summer..A bookeeper.
Summit..To count it.
Surcharge..A tax on gentlemen.
Sycamore..Lately in ill health.
Syntax..A fine for breaking the commandments.
Titelist..A collection of book names.
Tourney.. a steering wheel or helm.
To Lie Low..To be untruthful in a particularly base manner.
Transcendental..Going beyond teeth.
Tutor..A horn player.
Undercurrent..A sewer main.
Wholesome..Pitted.
Warrant..A battle cry.
Yankee..The one having the tooth pulled.

Beethoven was exhausted -- he'd just completed a symphony and two string quartets, and had already worked up the framework for his next concerto. He needed a break. The local travel agent showed him a spectacular photo of a moonlit night over the palm trees and beaches of the Mediterranean coast. In short order he went to Spain for a week's vacation. Alas, he hadn't consulted the almanac, and not only was there no full moon that week, there wasn't even a crescent -- his retreat coordinated exactly with the "new moon" of the lunar cycle. Relaxed but disappointed, he went home to Germany and proceeded to write the "Moonlight So Nada." by -- BOB DVORAK.

Beethoven composed one of his most famous short pieces of music while visiting Lake Lucerne in Switzerland, a beautiful place to see and one certainly capable of inspiring fine music. Contrary to popular opinion, though, one musicologist insists that it was not actually the cooing of the local waterfowl as they nestled in for the evening that inspired Ludwig to write this piece. He declared a lunar eclipse had actually triggered the mating ritual of parasitic insects that inhabited the feathers of these waterfowl. The vigorous lovemaking of these tiny insects on the backs of these sleeping birds was so raucous that the birds seemed to give off an eerie chuckling sound. In truth though, it was these parasites that actually made the sounds that Beethoven heard. This is likely why this popular little piece
was originally titled "The loon mites in ardor." is the thread by GARY HALLOCK

THE PUNDIT

The official 'e' newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

February 2004

Many people are traveling to warmer climes at this time of year and we salute those who return. Tiff Wimberley is one who tells us of her family's trip to Sea World. Let's listen as she relates it.

We visited Sea World Orlando this past week and one of the amenities for their guests on hot days is a corridor that one can walk through and get cooled down from a light spray of water. As we walked through it, I said to Jim, "Well, this is another fine mist that you've gotten us into!" I got a Hardy laugh out of it. Jim looked like he didn't under Stan but he was just shrugging me off. I know he was saying to himself "she may be a punster but Oliver anyway."

JJJ

In the PUNY loop, Rose Katz, added Sea World is a fun place to visit. It makes me happy, always gets my endolphins charged up. Everyone otter go there now and then. You can have a whale of a good time even though it serves no useful porpoise.

JJJ

It's fun to play around with people's names. The incorrigible punster (please don't incorrige him!) can't help but notice that some people have first or last names that sound like lowercase words, such as Ulysses Grant, Oliver Sachs, and Iris Murdoch.

One might call Johnny Cash "coins collected from a pay toilet,"

Norman Mailer "a French postman,"

Eartha Kitt "gardening tools," and

Doug Flutie "a buried flautist." MORE?

JJJ

Abigail van Buren admitted she was at a total loss to answer these real letters... (Not necessarily puns, but playing with words, none the less.) Let's listen to Dear Abby...
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, but he finally did it.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?

JJJ

Here is the tale of OPERATION BELLY-BUTTON. A NAVAL detachment consisting of SWEDISH and NORWEGIAN warships and aircraft carriers, operating under the code name SCANDA, was conducting an exercise in the ARCTIC SEA AWEIGH off the coast of MURMANSK. Both the AMERICAN and RUSSIAN intelligence departments were alarmed about his activity. The CIA assigned an agent named Glisson and the KGB assigned an agent named Karneskov to monitor this activity. Both agents then selected a sPACIFIC location and established themselves as coast watchers. The need for radar was mandatory and they purchased all the equipment they could aFJORD. They also hired a POLISH technician to help them set up their post. But, their progress was not rapid.

"Where's our helper?" asked agent Glisson.

"I dunno," Karnetskov ('Karney' for short) replied.

"HIMALAYAN around here somewhere." Finally the helper appeared.

"Where have you been?" demanded agent Glisson.

"I know OSLO," replied the helper. A full report was written and expedited. The agents were now FINNISHed.

LLL

I used to work as a cashier in a grocery store. One day a customer came up to me with a bag of Italian salad mix and said he'd like to buy it but he didn't know what the red stuff was. He asked if I knew what it was. I looked at it and said, "Why, that's radicchio".

And he looked at me and replied, "Well, I thought it was a perfectly legitimate question!" (Pam, the lady on the cash in Illinois.)

Buffaloes and Bisons:

Do you know the difference between a buffalo and a bison: you can't wash your hands in a buffalo, but a herd of buffalo can live in a very large bison.
Or, as the buffalo said to his boy when he departed on a long journey, "Bison."

JJJ

These are more signs of the Times:

On an electrician's truck: 'Let us remove your shorts.'

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push"

Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Scientist's Door: Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff

Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.

Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.

Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.

Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

Beauty Shop: Dye now!

Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Computer Store: Out for a quick byte

Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Music Library: Bach in a minuet.

Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

Let's focus on movie stars whose names are doubly blessed. From the punny clues below, give the name of each movie star. Example: "scarlet clothing fasteners" = Red Buttons.

Clues

1. Christmas fruit, 2. Boyfriend spans, 3. Toilet confection, 4. Transport the workout space, 5. Car pursuit, 6. Valley nearby, 7. Christmas scaredy cat, 8. Steal the blackbird,

9. Male cat on a ship trip, 10. Male goat quartz, 11. Toilet crane, 12. Tiny car operator

13. Egyptian ruler's spigot, 14. Toilet meadows, 15. Transport the scholarship, 16. Chromosome slicer, 17. Talkative fog, 18. Cabin in the sky, 19. What fishermen live on, 20. Stony automobile, 21. Pop-top collector, 22. Jewel bargeman, 23. Steal from the bottom, 24. Thoughtful conqueror, 25. She wagers modestly, 26. Unpedigreed male alley cat, 27. Toilet agony, 28. Nail fruit seed, 29. Stream protectors, 30. Crimson bones, 31. Tear ripped, 32. Solder after Monday, 33. Crazier chromosome, 34. Coldest season at the beach, 35. Tastefully attired forest.

...and the answers are:

1. Halle Berry, 2. Beau Bridges, 3. John Candy, 4. Jim Carey, 5. Chevy Chase, 6. Glenn Close, 7. Noel Coward, 8. Russell Crowe, 9. Tom Cruise, 10. Billy Crystal, 11. John Derek, 12. Minnie Driver, 13. Farrah Fawcett, 14. W. C. Fields, 15. Cary Grant, 16. Gene Hackman, 17. Gabby Hayes, 18. Celeste Holm, 19. Bob Hope, 20. Rock Hudson, 21. Tab Hunter, 22. Ruby Keeler, 23. Rob Lowe, 24. Victor Mature, 25. Bette Midler, 26. Tom Mix, 27. John Payne, 28. Brad Pitt, 29. Brooke Shields, 30. Red Skelton, 31. Rip Torn, 32. Tuesday Weld, 33. Gene Wilder, 34. Shelly Winters, 35. Natalie Wood.

JJJ

So, as we wait for Whiarton Willie and Punxsutawney Phil to get up out of their respective lairs and show us, by virtue of their shadows, how much more or less winter we are expected to have, we remind you that,

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 25, February 2004

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com and Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

THE PUNDIT

The official 'e' newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

March 2004

...and here is how March came in .

Subject: Al-gebra Movement, brought to our attention by Patricia Crosbie.

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle" Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.
"Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, "Read my ellipse!" Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.

:):):)

Jason Dias brings these cryptograms to us via PUNY and cyberspace:

Interlude: Buried Lou.
Buried: look at book in the nude.
Nude: rolled back the odometer.
Rolled: gave an acting part to.
Part: good buddy on the open range.
Buddy: a rose bush in the spring.
Rose Bush: the president stood up (or took a hint from Bob Dole).
Hint: the thing in question lacks the characteristics you would
ascribe to it. As in, "That hint the raight carberayter for a
aiedee-sehven Chevy."
Ascribe: what a tattoo artist does to one's buttocks.
Tattoo: our score against their two points. As in, "we're behind
one tattoo." The number of minutes before two-o'clock.
Points: the unit of measurement used for lager in Britain.
Unit: what you do when you're expecting.
Expect: one who let his impressive chest muscles atrophy.
Atrophy: what you get when you win the Nascar races.
Nascar: what they say about your new wheels in Louisiana.
Louisiana: asking Lou's wife about his deteriorating health. As
in, "Is Lou wheezy, Anna?"

And staying in the cryptic mode Cynthia MacGregor, also of PUNY stock, sends this challenge for a round of daffynitions. "Groundhog Day, says Cyn, falls during this week, so let's do daffynitions pertaining to animals. (Note: This came during early February) (and on another note: "Pertaining to" means it doesn't have to be an animal name--it can be a word like "stable" or "leash" that's animal-related.) Here are the results:

Collar - The person at the other end of the ringing phone.
Curry - To brush a horse with hot Indian spices OR to bring the horse back to Old Virginny."
Rooster - To regret swishing your spoon through the ingredients in the pot.
Labrador - The entrance into the laboratory.
Bulldog - A dog that tells a lot of tall tales.
Pelican - Regarding the abilities of a former star soccer player.
Oriole - A chocolate bird with a creamy filling.
Pony - What a Southerner says of his injured leg joint.
Armadillo - What you should never do with a dillo that's on the warpath.
Camel - Predictive of a certain auto part, as in, "The whole engine's
falling to pieces and I'm afraid the camel come right off."
Bridal Suite: Perfumed headgear for your favorite filly. Yogi Bear: Meditating in the nude.
Insect: A popular new religious group.
Lambaste: Periodically pouring gravy over a leg of lamb to keep it
moist.
Groundhog: A ham burger.
Horsehair: A rabbit with laryngitis.
Aardvark: Strenuous labor.
Crocodile: Pot filled with anti-bacterial soap.
Cheetah: Someone who is dishonest at cards.
Earwig: Fur cap extensions to keep your ears warm on cold nights.
Donkey: What you need to get into the Godfather's house.
Bearskin: Commonly seen in nudist colonies.
Goatskin: The goat's family, I kid you not.
Sheepskin: A lamb's relatives. I guess ewe knew that was coming.
Moleskin: A mole's family. (At least it's not a pun on molasses.)

And some Animal Abuse:

Cowhide and Avoidable: "Did you see that COWHIDE to AVOIDABLE?"
Kennel: "If Barbie's not careful, KENNEL leave her." (So that's why!)
Condor: "I CONDOR into staying all night with me."
Heron: "It must be hereditary. I'm losing every HERON my head."
Herring: "When they broke up, she gave him HERRING back."
Manatee: "If you want to start this round of golf, give the MANATEE."
Wallaby: "After seeing the girls at the party, I decided I might as
WALLABY home watching TV."
Ocelot: "To make the sale, the salesman told OCELOT of lies."
TOUCAN: live a cheeply as one for half as long. (Stan Kegel)
Primate - What mamas hope their daughters find.
Chinchilla - What Santa's beard became when it iced up over Chicago.
Pander - To Bostonians a black and white bear from China.
Panda - What Bush does to the religious right.
Duckbill - What Scalia didn't pay for his hunting trip with Cheney.
California Condor - Main gate at San Quentin.
Embracable Ewe - Sheep herders love song. (From Ken Pinkham)

:):):)

More signs of our times:

Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY, PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CA R.
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.> Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

:):):)

...and so we continue our March to stamp out ill literacy and end this Pundit with the age old admonition that it is best to remember A day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 25, March 2004

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com and Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

We say good- bye to March as she is purportedly supposed to go out like a

Good-bye March!!

The Pundit

The official 'e'newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

April 2004

FOR IMMEDIATE RELIEF:

What: THE 27th ANNUAL O.HENRY PUN-OFF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS.

When: MAY 15, 2004 - Noon - 5pm (SATURDAY!)

Where: Wooldridge Park, downtown Austin, TX (8th at Guadalupe)

Who: Friends of the O.Henry Museum / Austin Parks & Recreation

Why: Jest for a wordy cause!

Website: www.punpunpun.com

O.HENRY'S ROLLING STONES GATHER TO LODE PUNS OF MOSS DESTRUCTION

On Saturday, May 15, 2004, the 27th Annual O. Henry Pun-Off World

Championships will ROCK on as unusual at Wooldridge Square Park in

Downtown Austin. Unless you enjoy living under a rock you SHALE

certainly benefit from this MINER conflict of interest. O.Henry's HARD CORE of punslingers are now wielding puns of mass distraction and won't be stopped until they reach their GOLDS. They certainly won't MINE if you stay the SHAFT-ernoon to watch this HOLE MOTHER LODE.

These clever gals and GEYSER DRILLING year-round, and now are OIL

WELL prepared to step up to the MICA-phone ANTHRACITE their witty wordplay. The PEBBLE of central Texas have groan fond of watching these "butchers of bad gags" outstanding in their FELDSPARING and making their QUARRY SULPHUR. These women and MINERAL good at what they do, and when push comes to SHOVEL move heaven ORE EARTH to improve their social STRATUMS.

If you're tired of being taken for GRANITE or left out in the COAL, consider burning the LIGNITE OIL in preparation for this annual BASALT on the CLINK'S English. Join our MARBLE-ous SLATE of contestants in this OPAL-ing contest of verbal GEM-nastics. You're welcome to SANDY LOAM or sit on the grass and AVALANCHE in the shade as you watch the BOULDER punsters make the timid ones GRAVEL. Take your PICK, you'll dig it. It's a BERYL of fun and a GNEISS way TOPAZ the afternoon.

Wooldridge Square Park is located at 800 Guadalupe in downtown Austin next to the Travis County Courthouse. The festivities begin at noon with live music, food, drink, children's activities and a used book sale.

The Punning competitions kick off at 1pm and continue until the wit runs dry. Pre-registration is required but there is no admission or entry fee.

This event is a co-production of the Austin Parks and Recreation Department, The Friends of the O. Henry Museum, and Punsters

United Nearly Yearly (PUNY). Proceeds benefit the Friends of the O. Henry Museum, a charitable non-profit organization.

For information call the O. Henry Museum at 512-472-1903

or Pun-Off coordinator - Gary Hallock (512-973-9929) <garyhallock@mac.com>

The 27th Annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships

Saturday May 15, 2004 - Noon to 5pm

Wooldridge Square Park - 800 Guadalupe St. - Austin, Texas

C.U. there!

So, baseball season is upon us, again and Norm Stevenson allows us this.

I just heard, says Norm, George Steinbrenner has a new promotional program. The team is adopting the lion exhibit at the Bronx zoo. It will be called the pride of the Yankees. Not to be out done, the football team is adopting and cleaning up the Hudson River which will be renamed The Jetsteam.

Let's take a flyer at these Audubon phrases selected from PUNY's nest.

Do pheasants enter into game marriage? Asks Bob D
They would if they were good sports. Answers Stan K.
How about those partridges in pair trees? Asks Stan K.
In San Francisco, it's partridges in pair threes -- a ménage a trois with duplicity. Answers Alan C
Some birds have begun co-habitating merely to cut down on their the
size of their bills. In fact one species has discovered that toucan
live as cheep as swan. Chirps Gary H.

It swan darn thing after another. Says Jim E.

That tower of Pizza I've seen
No, "Tower of "Pisa," I mean
The difference is that
One make-a you fat
The other? It make-a you lean

(by the dean of limericists, GARY HALLOCK)

WELL, THERE GOES MARCH!!

So, until next month, if we MAY, see you then?

And again we end the Pundit with the age old admonition that it is best to remember, A day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 25, April 2004

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

The International Save the Pun Foundation,

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Pundit

The official 'e' newsletter of the International save the Pun Foundation

The 27th Annual O.HENRY PUN-OFF World Championships were held on May 15^th 2004 in Austin Texas, and we dedicate the bulk of this, the 273^rd edition of the Pundit to the efforts made by the puntestants who are wordy of the praise herein doled out.

Here are the winners, and their winning entries as selected by the judges:

PUNNIEST OF SHOW

1st - Ben Glazer - Austin, TX

2nd - Gita Mani and Archana Sinharah (team) - Arlington, TX

3rd - Laurie Ann Poole - Austin, TX

THE MVP AWARD

Brian Snider Oakley & Stephen Fuller

The Best Medicine - by Ben Glazer

This is a DRUG STORE-y about my gambling TRYPTOPHAN-tastic CLUB MEDICINE. It was the MIDOL of the AFRINoon. The high ROLAIDS over at the craps tables were LISTERINE to an 80's cover BAND-AID singing "CARMEX CARMEX CARMEX CARMEX CARMEX CAMOMILE-ion I was playing at a poker TABLET for a DIMETAPP, using a SUCRETS card-counting METHODONE from a CIPROfessional gambler to give me ALLEGRA-up. Keeping track of my MONISTATs, I realized my PEYOTE was way above average. To CELEBREX, I MOTRINed over a cocktail waitress and ordered a RICOLA.
"SUTURE self," she said and went to get my drink. "BARBIT, URATE!" I called after her. But instead of my COKE, she CENTRUM. In ADDICTION, a MESCALINE bodyguard CAMPHOR me. He dECKERD'S me as if he MENTADENT me and MINOXODIL me out. As I ROGAINE my consciousness, I find he's DRUG me up the STEROIDS to a ZOLOFT in the back. "CAINE, the club owner, is coming to DOCTOR you. HISTAMINEst. I'd ADVILcate you don't LIDOCAINE."
"Hey," I responded, "ASPIRIN no questions, TYLENOL lies."
QUININE minutes later, CAINE enters and BOTOX to me. "You play like a PROZAC. That stacks the DEXATRIM your favor. I won't GERITOlerate that anyMORPHINE GAUZE it VIAGRAvates me and could geTUSSIN big trouble. You ADDERALL the cards ever again, you're putting your KLEENEX on the line. Are we CLARITIN?" "CRYSTAL METH."
And with that, he tells me to PAXIL my bags and SENSIMILLA on my way.

The OKRA Show - by Gita Mani and Archana Sinharah

Putting our best FRUIT forward for your VEGGIEcation.
Welcome to the Okra Show. Today, CHERRY Seinfeld will tell ARTI-JOKES and we'll meet Bruce Lee's twin, BROCC' LEE. Watch The BOK CHOY ballet perform the WATER CHESTNUTcracker Suite. Hear the RapSCALLIONS sing their a-MAIZE-ing hit, "I think, therefore I YAM," and the STRING BEAN Quintet play "GREENS LEAVES." So TURNIP the volume
ENDIVE in. Parsley, sage, rosemary and THYME for a commercial break.

Take a LEEK if you must, but PEASE don't change that FENNEL.

The Okra show will be right back.
(Holding up sign that reads "CORNmercial"):
This slice was brought to you by DAIKON cameras. Daikon--For the best SHOOTS. (Another sign that reads "end of CORNmercial")
The global crisis BEETS me. WATERCRESS we're in. SPUD missiles on our
EGGPLANET? SPROUTrageous! That son of a PEACH is a BUSHel of

trouble makes me break out in CHIVES. Tomorrow, we'll have upDATES on the CAPERS of two BITTER MELONS who CANTALOUPE because their au PEAR won't let them. We'll also meet the HEAD OF LETTUCE Pray Foundation. Thanks to those who PRODUCE this show. y'all deserve a PLUM CELERY with STALK options. And (to audience) y'all have been a GRAPE BUNCH! Give yourselves a POUND of APPLE-ause. See you TATER! GOURD Bless America! And now, it's over to Dr. DILL.

My Rocky Romance - by Laurie Ann Poole

I'm Raquel Rockwell. Talkin' about my ex, Mica Feldspar. A craggy geologist, he worked in Marble Falls at Cobalt Corp., a rock-bound conglomerate. Tellurium, I lead him on, acting silicon-tacting him - caliche and every day and talc for hours, cementing our relationship. Sedimentally, we'd play rock songs: Rolling Stones' "Ruby Tuesday" and "Everybody must get stoned."

He'd say, "You're mine, Lava, we lignite!" He was sapphire-y kissing me, he rocked my world. See my diamond? Quarried me over the threshold at Jasper's Sandstone Inn. Did that bed rock! I'd iron his clothes, grill marbled steaks, make coal slaw with carats, roast turquoise, bake su-pearl-ative pyrite, porphyry's coffee. Treasuring his family jewels, I yearned to rear a peridot-ing kids.

But, soon takin' me for granite smelt rotten to the core! That vein drunk would tectonic water and gin with lime every time he cinnabar. What an alkali-ar for sure. He wanted topaz the night shooting the bullion with a jaded bunch of agates - those geyser nothing but silver-haired old fossils! Emerald geezers from the Stone Age - nuttin' gneiss.

Oy-ster-ing up a fight, called me an igneous slut and a golddigging parisite, treated me like an ore. Petrified of that spelunkhead's volcanic temper, I was quaking in fear that he'd shovel me around, tear off my slip-strike me, and leave his marcasite sorry to behold.

The fools' gold-ed me for being frigid as a glacier because my motherlode-d me down with gilt. Land o' Goshenite and day, he was mountain me, peter hard. But, not very mete-o-rite that does matter. Seismic-key Rooney, not Mickey Rourke. In like flint, gettin' his rocks off, the eruption comin' in quartz!

Never metamorphic'le guy on Earth. He cheated with this chippie so it's his San Andreas fault. A plan with crystal clarity: to poison them with arsenic and barium in a bauxite-ossed out that idea. Can't zinc that low. Afraid of tailings by coppers. What a fool I amethyst-uff! Garnet, on the rocks!

Abalone, we just didn't pan out. I schist had sulfured enough. Mother-of-pearl, no opal-eaving. Onyx, wipe the slate clean, steel myself, and toss him on the slag heap. You alabaster-d, don't give me the shaft. Beryl on down the rhodium. Grab a cabochon your friend to drive you back to Rocky Top, Tennessee! Go gypsum other girl like An-thracite. Shale realize you zircon-ned her!

That pumice outta my life. Mineral alike!

Meet Amber Stone, my new partner!

To read the director's cut of this story go the Laurie Ann's website:

http://snurl.com/RockyRomance

Interview with the Pirate of Punzance - by Brian Snider Oakley & Stephen Fuller

I understand that your heritage goes all the way back to New Testament times to the very first buccaneerÂŠ

Right, PontiusÂŠPontius Pirate.
Was he appointed by one of the seven Caesars?
NoÂŠelected by secret ballast.
And later cannon-ized, as I recall. Your father was a shipping typhoon
in thermal underwear?
YepÂŠhe a-mast a lot of Long John Silver during the boom.
Did he make a fortune?
A-vast! And it's still acrew-ing interest
You aren't one of those doped up church robbers, are you?
No, you've got me confused with those Stoned Temple Pirates.
I saw your new boat; beautiful color-maroon - Get it on sail?
No, I won it gambling at mumblety-peg legÂŠdoubloon or nothing.
How's the mileage per galleon?
Great, but my deckhand Frankie put a dinghy in the sideÂŠ so I docked
his payÂŠ and made him caulk the plank.

A stern penalty. Was he drunk?
Sure, Francis Drank a lotÂŠ
Did you have to replace the whole frigate section?
Nautical; eye patch!
No insurance? You might want to consider having Charles Schwab the deck.
Well, you know what they say: Ship Cap'ns.
If it's not an invasion of piracy, I heard you broke up with yo' hoÂŠ
Aye, a waitress named Kerrie down at the Armada Inn; she had a great
body and no teeth.
You always did go for those scurvaceous types. What nationality was she?
Spanish, mainly; had a fine head of corsair. She told me I was her
first mate.
Was Kerrie-bein' honest with you about that?
NoÂŠ when I found out, I told her, "That's quite a cut-lass".
In a fit of anchor, she tossed me overboard.
Was the water cold?
Well, it shriveled me timber!
Did you cry over the breakup?
Not in public, but I will confess to shedding a privateer.
Did Edward Teach you a lesson during your last battle?
Not really; he was a little out of swords that dayÂŠ that's how I got
my reputation as a real Blackbeard eraser.
I have to ask: How much for the earrings?
About a buccaneer.
We have no Moor time; make shore you visit our website at: wow.pirate.arg!

Judges for 2004 Punniest Of Show

Stanley M.Kegel M. D.

For the 5th consecutive year, Dr. Kegel has made his trek from California to head up our judge panel. A true glutton for PUNishment, Stan was honored as Punster of the Year (P.O.T.Y.) in 2000 by the International Save the Pun Foundation. Recently retired from a prestigious career as a pediatric cardiologist, (a heart job to beat) Stan expects to be able to devote even more of his "spare" time to his many email pun lists. Here are the links to just a few of them. For groaners go to http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners and fill in the information. Join his other groups by sending a blank email to the following addresses: Puns of the day: puns-of-the-day-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
. Shaggy Dogs Stories: shaggydog-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
. Jest For Kids:jest4kids-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
. Humerus News: punsinthenews-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Lee Jackson

It was at the 9th Annual O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships when Lee Jackson first hit the stage nothing got broken!) Computer gamers in the audience will recognize him as the music composer for several classic PC games such as Duke Nukem 3D and Shadow Warrior. "Lo Wang's Rap" was played on the venerable Dr. Demento radio program. He is a founding member of P.U.N.Y. and a 3-time champion, winning High Lies & Low Puns in 1991 and Punniest of Show in 1992 and 1994. He now lives in Dallas to escape celebrity. This is his first time as a judge.

Mary Gordon Spence

Former First Grade VALENTINE Queen and the SWEETHEART of South Austin, Mary Gordon Spence, has VOWED to PERFORM THE SERVICES of JUDGE. "I DO, declared the BLUSHING BRIDE-like Ms. Spence when asked if she would LOVE, HONOR AND CHERISH her role. "It would BE MINE pleasure to MOOCH with the other OFFICIALS as we PRONOUNCE the BEST GROOMED at the Pun-Off. "And, I look forward to TOSSING MY GARTER to the BEST MAN/WOMAN who WALKS DOWN THE AISLE as the winner." When she's not OFFICIATING at the Pun-Off, Ms. Spence's HEART lies in her business, Ask Mary Gordon (http://www.askmarygordon.com/). "I DO LOVE to speak for any ENGAGEMENT.

John Silverberg

Although he should know better by now, this will be John Silberberg's second session as a judge in Punniest of Show. John was first introduced to the O.Henry Pun-Off in 1981 by a close friend (now estranged). Mr. Silberberp has always been prone to delusion, so he quickly became a participant. Over the next several years, Mr. Silverfish was a key performer in building the Pun-Off from a small, moronic embarrassment to its current status as a gigantic world-famous event with an eerie, magnetic
appeal to the world's paparazzi, hoi polloi, and loop-de-loop. Mr.
Sliverbird fondly recalls his bygone days as a quick-witted punster, and
believes he has won or been runner up in both categories a few times,
although nothing's clear from them days. --written by John Silverberg, under
his own hat.

The Punster of the Year was chosen at these games and he was pun other than ALAN COMBS.

Each spring for the past 16 years the ISTPF has recognized one single person (some of whom are married) for his/her contributions to the encouragement, propagation and fostering of wit and wordplay in our society. Often this annual POTY award winner is throne for a loop, bowled over and eventually flushed with pride to be identified as "number one."Honored this year for his enormous body of...uh...tremendous volume...er...many feets of prodigious punditry is Austin's own Alan Combs. Alan is what we like to call a propagator of puns, a gardener of sorts. Like many manure in this business, he's spread himself quite thin but ever so wide. His voracious husbandry of shaggy dogs and groaners alone could easily qualify him as one of the chief perpetuators of this eclectic art form, but Alan doesn't stop there. As a gift to punsters everywhere, he's built an incredible web presents to share his wealth. Looking for an old groaner you heard years ago? He's got it there. Looking for a place to paper train your fresh new shaggy puppy? Send it to Alan for a new leash on life. Visit his website at http://www.awpi.com/Combs/Shaggy/index.html

We end this Pundit again with the age old admonition that it is best to remember a day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement. And July still. We'll be back.

Volume 25, June 2004

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Desk stuff and full time critic: Rosanna Borgh

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com and/or visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Pundit

The official 'e' newsletter of the International save the Pun Foundation

July 2004

At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns.' Despite this we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
"When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

A Good Pun is its Own Reword

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes

from morons?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

While sorting and counting the money from the church's collection
plate, the new deacon noticed that many of the bills were sticking
together. At first he thought some careless child with dirty fingers
had inadvertently polluted the currency with the sticky residue of a
sweet snack. Oddly enough there wasn't really anything obviously
sticky. Many of the dollars were merely clinging together tightly as
if held by magnetism. It was actually quite a task to pry them apart
without ripping them. He shared this curious fact with the minister
who calmly reassured him that this was not at all uncommon. "These
are the tithes that bind," he noted. (Donated by GARY HALLOCK)

From the o-pun-ly twisted minds of Cynthia MacGregor and her friend and
collaborator Vic Bobb comes a book in search of a publisher who can stand the pun-ishment. ONCE A-PUN A RIDDLE was written for kids, but you'll
get a laugh out of some of the riddles in it too:

THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

What does a baby cow do when he's thirsty?

He can always find some milk one place or an udder.

RIDDLES TAKE WING

Why do female robins all buy their dresses at the same store?

Because birds of a feather frock together.

FISH TALES

Why did the fish refuse to sing soprano?

He was a bass.

UGGGH-BUGS!

What do you call a pair of spiders on their honeymoon?
Newlywebs.

WHAT TIME IS IT......when a long-necked bird is ill?

6:01 (sick swan)

Here are a few puns from PUNY* that may test your tickle bone!

What's the difference between a church bell and a politician?
The church bell peals from the steeple (Douglas Helsel)

The tea-leaf reader said, "I'm sorry that I have to dump tea-leaves on
the saucer. I'll clean it up presently." The client replied, "Don't
be. Leave everything you read. (Jason Dias)

Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for supper? His
wife just gave him the cold shoulder. (Nathan Howe)

What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag?
The Tsar-Spangled Banner.

Sam I am has had a makeover. He has swapped the green eggs for rice, started wearing a sword and changed his name to Sam R I. (Norm S)

*Punsters United Nearly Yearly

"Gummy Cone Tree Roads." a musical routine by Mason L. Weems presented at the O'Henry World Championships Pun-Off, 2004.

I used to live in THAILAND.

THAILAND is where the GUM in GUMMY bears comes from. The GUM comes from GUMMY CONE TREES that have CONES filled with GUM.

I stayed in a village where all of the ROADS were lined with GUMMY CONE TREES. I lived on one of these GUMMY CONE TREE ROADS with a TAI family whose house was made entirely from the gum and wood of the GUMMY CONE TREE. It was a traditional TAI GUMMY HOME.

One clear night the family elder pointed to the sky and exclaimed

"Look! The RESTING VIRGIN!"

He then proceeded to tell a myth about a young girl who was attacked

by a wild animal. The animal bit the girl's head and its TOOTH stuck in the girl's EYE.

The wise man of the village said that the girl should REST with her MOUTH covered in the GUM from the GUMMY CONE TREES.

The girl miraculously recovered, although the TOOTH remained forever stuck in the PLACE where her EYE BELONGED.

Since then, the CONE TREE GUM has been considered MANNA from heaven.

"See!" the elder exclaimed.

"There REST VIRGIN with her MOUTH IN MANNA and a TOOTH in A PLACE her EYE BELONGS!"

Well, I was so KNOTTED up with emotion, that I had to write a song about my experience living in a TAI GUMMY HOME on a CONE TREE ROAD.

(This should be sung as follows...

D A

Cone tree roads, Tai gummy home.

Bm G

Tooth a place - eye belong.

D A

Rest virgin, ya mouth in manna.

G D

Tai gummy home, cone tree roads. )

CHIASMS AND OXYMORONS

There are painters who transform the sun into a yellow spot, but there
are others who, thanks to their art and intelligence, transform a
yellow spot into the sun." (Pablo Picasso)

I never cease being dumbfounded by the unbelievable things people
believe. (Leo Rosten)

Timidity is often met by confidence and confidence by timidity (Mardy
Grothe)

It's easier to remember an ugly face than it is to face an ugly memory.
(Glenn Neil)

"The silence of the envious is too noisy." (Khalil Gibran)

We have civil engineers; too bad we can't engineer civility. (Dennis R.
Ridley)

When I was young and had time to read, I had no books. Now that I am
old and have the books, I have no time to read." (Benjamin Franklin)

We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know that we are on God's side. (Abe Lincoln)

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away (George Carlin)

Sin is not hurtful because it is forbidden, but it is forbidden because

it is hurtful." (Benjamin Franklin)

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. (S. I. Hayakawa)

DAFFYNITIONS gleaned from Stan (POTY 2000) Kegel's collections.

Politician: A guy who makes an issue of himself. (Joey Adams)

Current: Boarding fee at the kennel (Stan Kegel)

Contract: where prisoners farm. (Jason Dias)

Breakable: What Cain wanted to do (Sandy Sibert)

Laundress: Garb for outdoor party (Paul Dickson)

Cabaret: French taxi driver hat (Ken Pinkham)

Builder: Asked her for payment. (Paul Pence)

Complaint: A grief resume (Stan Kegel)

Moleskin: The family of a burrowing rodent (Stan Kegel)

Oriole: A chocolate bird with a creamy filling (Cynthia MacGregor)

Bambino: A negative response from the mother of a famous deer (Jay
Christie)

Bulldozing: Falling asleep during a political speech (Bennett Cerf)

Vanguard: A person who protects trucks (Art. Moger )

Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event (Richard Lederer)

Capricorn: Kind of maize grown on an Italian island. (Joseph Leff)

Calendar: Something that goes in one year and out the other. (Tibballs)

June is busted and here lies July.

Volume 25, July 2004

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking. Executing Director: Gary Hallock,Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com and/or visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Pundit

The official 'e' newsletter of the International save the Pun Foundation

August 2004

Here in the declining moments of summer are daffynitions found at the papers and pens of Dr. Stan Kegel, POTY 2000. (With proper attribution to the definers.)

Bordello: A lackadaisical greeting by service industry workers. (Brendan Beary)
Castigate: The bass-fishing tournament scandal. (Richard Lempert)
Crocodiles: Calls from telemarketers. (Andrea Kelly)
Define: To lose one's looks. (Tom Witte)
Diadem: To remain a staunch liberal all your life. (Tom Witte)
Downplay: To pillow-fight. (Kyle Hendrickson)
Empress: Use a phony title to increase one's self-esteem. (Stephen Litterst)
Filibuster: A breast-implant surgeon. (T.L. Vernon)
Flatulent: A rental property. (Tom Witte)
Gambling: An ankle bracelet (Jerry Pannullo)
Homogeneous: Oscar Wilde. (Chuck Smith)
Incandescent: Going over the falls in a barrel. (Steve Fahey)
Juggernaut: A flat-chested woman. (Maja Keech)
Lumbago: An RV made of wood. (Russell Beland)
Macadam: The prototype Apple computer. (Tom Witte)
Pastoral: When you know what your spouse wants without her asking.
(Stan Kegel)
Petard: Something that slows the progress of animal rights. (Russell
Beland)
Prestidigitator: Someone with a painfully strong handshake. (Thomas B. Jabine)
Registry: To give your final answer. (Ry Schwark)
Wrap: A song about safe sex. (Tom Witte)
Aerobe: The Emperor's clothes in the fairy tale.
Best Seller: Bargain basement at popular electronics chain,
Conceit: Where the prisoner sits during an interrogation.

Condominium: Birth control device worn by men with small penises.
Current: Boarding fee at the kennel.
Disorganized: Autopsied.
Exudate: To go to dinner with your former spouse.
Garbage: Length of time you've had the clothes you're wearing.
Gentile: Ceramic squares in the men's showers.
Geometry: Rite of passage statement by an acorn.
Global: A gala dance for fireflies.
Graham: Slice of meat left unrefrigerated for a week.
Groupie: Scheduled bus stop to empty passengers' bladder.

Horsehair: A rabbit with laryngitis.
Inversion: The story that is told by the most popular group.
Isolate: What the rabbit said in Alice in Wonderland.
Laceration: Limited allotment of doilies.
Lambaste: Periodically pouring gravy over a leg of lamb to keep it moist.
Longshoreman: A pier group.
Lumbar Puncture: To drill holes in boards.
Madagascar: How your automobile feels about the price of fuel today.
Malaria: Several shopping centers close to each other.

March Madness: Battle fatigue syndrome common after long excursions.
Passport: To give the bottle of wine to the next person.
Pharmacy: Cultivate the ocean floor.
Prostate: Strong advocate of the 10th Amendment in the Bill of Rights
Recollection: Purchases from an antique store of toys you threw away years ago.
Recovery room: Where upholsters work.
Tolerance: The result of giving Growth Hormone to insects.
Triage: Counting the rings on a tree trunk.

And now a whole haul of heady PUNY genius. Please, no beefs about this thread.

"Whatever happened to the good old burger stand?" lamented Jim. "Remember when
McDonald's served Burgers!? Now it's salad this and chicken that and fries and pie and
fajitas."
"So open your own," answered Paul.
"I think I'll do just that. I'd have to do onions and fries, but otherwise nothing but burgers and dogs, the best grade beef, nice and juicy the way beef was meant to be. Food of the earth. I'll need a good name to start."
"How about Wholly Cow!?" asked Paul.
"Wholly Cow? That's Terra Bull!" (Bob Dvorak)

====================
Since Jim will be serving so much beef in his new place, he may have to start from the ground up. (GARY HALLOCK)
====================
Then maybe he ought to chuck it all, or wait another round. With so much at steak, he'd have to hire a phalanx of workers. "My brother Jacob has a ton of money to put up.
I'll let Jacob brisket."
(Bob Dvorak)
==================
Jacob has a stein full of five-dollar bills saved up. He'll have to invest the whole stein.
(CynMacGregor)

If I could think of another rib-eye would make it, butt I veal I should loin to bite my tongue. (GARY HALLOCK)
=======
You're trying to skirt the issue. You've plate this game too long. (Cyn MacGregor)

=======
And the old classic, what do you do when you find a dead matador?
Always questionable. (Alan)
======
When she asked the butcher how much steak was a pound, and he answered,
the customer replied, "That's steer" and bought hamburger instead. (Cyn MacGregor)

===============
If this guy has trouble making his hamburger stand, he might try adding a little Viagra. It doesn't make the burger taste any better, but you certainly can't beat the meat. Possibly he should call the butcher to see which cuts of meat are the most expensive. "Hey, what's up, Chuck?" (GARY HALLOCK)

A guy in a grocery store with a bag of Italian salad mix in his hand walks up to the cashier and asks how much it is and what's the red stuff in the mix? She says, "It's on sale this week for 99 cents a bag and that's raddichio." He replies, "No, that's pretty reasonable."

I think my vegetables are upset at the way I cooked them over boiling water. They're really steamed. (Pam Dilbeck)

TOM SWIFTIES, CROCKERS AND WELLERISMS from PUNY.

"I've always wanted to meet you, Frank Lee," said Tom frankly. (Paul Dickson)
"We would like very much to have you for dinner," the cannibal said to the captured missionary. (Stan Kegel)
"My boat leaks", said Tom balefully. (Simon Champion)
"Who would want to steal modern art?" asked Tom abstractedly. (Jonathan Joshua Englander)
"We're off to Scotland," said Tom clandestinely. (Steve Pope)

"I wouldn't give that a grade of A," Tom said beratingly. (Steve Pope)

"I've transferred my money back into my Berlin savings account," Tom remarked with interest. (Stan Kegel)

"Which restroom is the men's'?" Tom asked gently. (Jason Dias)

"I really auto think about this as I Otto drive to the football stadium," said ex-Cleveland Brown's quarterback Graham. (Jim Ertner)

"My aunt had put on weight," Dorothy told the Wizard emphatically. (Stan Kegel)
"I fought with Geronimo," said Tom bravely. (Gill Krebs)
"I'm in exactly the right position for this step of the kata," Tom informed. (Jason Dias)
"Your golf ball is in an excellent position for your next stroke," Tom lied. (Jason Dias)
"That is a beautiful mirror!" Tom reflected. (Stan Kegel)
"What vegetable goes best with carrots?" Tom asked peasefully (Paul Dickson)

MALAPROPISMS, SPOONERISMS AND BLOOPERS

In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter. (Gail S. Angel)
As Dr. Spooner led a parishoner down the aisle of the church. He
allegedly stated: "Come this way and I'll sow you to a sheet." (Mark L.)
I got an eye exam done right at the obstacle (optical) center in the mall. (Archives)
I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job. (George Bush)
"When the boys come back from France, we'll have the hags flung out."
(William Spooner)
Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent, that is, torn not rented. (Gail S. Angel)
"The Lord is a shoving leopard." (William Spooner)
Sleeping on a Sealy Mattress is like sleeping on a cloud. Not clod. (Gail S. Angel)
On my birthday I got a really funny card from a friend. It joked about how our bodies might be getting older, but our minds remain "tarp as shacks." I wanted to thank the friend, but I can't. She forgot to sign the card. (Douglas Helsel)
"Those girls are sin twisters." (William Spooner)
"Arthur Kitchener was seriously burned Saturday afternoon when he came in contact with a high voltage wife." (Surrey paper).
There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting. (Gail S. Angel)
"If the motion were passed, no strike action would be taken by NALGO without a ballet of all its members." (Bristol Evening Post).

It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day. (Gail S. Angel)

TITLES, SIGNS, HEADLINES AND ADS

Sign on an auto body shop: May we have the next dents? (Sandy Sibert)
Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax (San Antonio Rose)
Labor Strike At Ruler Factory Ruled Unruly (Stephen Kramer)
Sign on the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be. (Sandy Sibert)
Musical about a store that refused to make deliveries of their merry-go-rounds:
Carry Sell (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. (Sandy Sibert)
"Members and non-members only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio. . (Things People Say)
Warring Factions Don't Agree (Richard Lederer)
JFK and Jackie meet an Eastern magnate who buys and sells beasts of burden in this musical: Camel Lot (By Cynthia MacGregor)

"Shorts Illustrated" Playboy for pygmies. (Tony Thoennes)

Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. (Sandy Sibert)

"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -- A sign in a Swiss hotel. (Things People Say)
"Embracable Ewe" Sheep herders love song. (Ken Pinkham)
Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free (Chicago Daily News)
A female sheep, Sir Lancelot, and canned tunes all figure in the title of this old standard:
"Ewe and the Knight and the Muzak" (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Sign on a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
(Sandy Sibert)

CURMUDGEONS AND QUOTES

I am so proud of my son. He used to just sit around and do nothing. Now he meditates. (Gary Gorick)
A sweetheart is a bottle of wine; a wife is a wine bottle. (Charles Baudelaire)
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. (Benjamin Franklin)
If Lincoln was alive today, he'd roll over in his grave (Gerald Ford)
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point
the wrong way.(Gene Spafford)
I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it. (Douglas Adams)
When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results. (Calvin Coolidge)
If a man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles." (Benjamin Franklin)
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen (Mort Sahl)
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. (Oscar Levant)
Success has ruined many a man. (Benjamin Franklin)
God will pardon me. It's His business. (Heinrich Heine)
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. (Calvin Trillin)
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. (Peter Malkin)
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. (Sam Goldwyn)

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. (Woody Allen)
Of all sexual aberrations, chastity is the strangest (Anatole France)

"And now the end is near," he sang as he arrived at the caboose. There you have it august of puns. Remember always that a day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 25, August 2004

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com

Visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Pundit

The official 'e' newsletter of the International save the Pun Foundation

September 2004

What better defining way to start the back to school issue then this:

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Talon: I'm gonna talon you!" (Jason Dias)
CLOCKWISE: Able to read time on a clock (Stan Kegel)
GRUESOME: How many Californians get their pot. (Ken Pinkham)
CARPETBAGGER: Somebody who keeps his pets in a sack while driving.
(Sandy Sibert)
CISTERN: Female sibling's opportunity. (Joseph Leff)
COLLIDE: To tell the same false story (Stan Kegel)
MICROBE: Outer garment worn by the radio announcer (Doug Drill)

Sam wouldn't but Holly wood!

What did they say to her--that her safety was Paramount to them?
Yep, Bud 1, it was probably just another story from a 20th Century fox.
Then there was the aspiring young actress who feared of imminent danger to
her male siblings so she went to Warner Brothers.

Bud 1 Wonsiewicz 4 and 6 is a highly scientific discipline used by law enforcement experts; or, are adherents of a religion of India marked by rejection of caste.

Is the religious right an altarnut universe? Asks Norm II

Scientists have determined that the temperature of a burning bush is fahrenheit 911, says Norm II

VERBAL ABUSE from the PUNY philes:

Garbage: I'm pretty good at guessing the vintage of clothing--just from
its style and condition I can judge GARBAGE. Jamaica: If I'm noisy at the concert will JAMAICA me go home?

Corrupt: I wanted to join the Marines but the CORRUPT the enlistment
age.

Hammer: Do you want HAMMER turkey for Thanksgiving dinner? Acquire: Did you ever hear ACQUIRE sing so sweetly? (All by Cynthia MacGregor)

German: I caught a GERMAN had to stay in bed all day.

Satin: The dog SATIN the doorway not letting anyone go in or out.

Sighed: I would like blue chesse dressing on the SIGHED.

Funnel: Play as much as you can now because when the baby is born the
FUNNEL be gone.

Market: When you find the tree you want, MARKET with this pen. (All by Stan Kegel)

Dungeon: "DUNGEON just love to see them get what's coming to them?"
(Douglas Drill)

Locate & Local: Calvin bumped into his neighbor Kate and said,
"LOCATE." Kate answered, "LOCAL."(Ken Pinkham)
Kumquat: The arresting officer said, "Don't make this any harder than
it needs to be, just KUMQUAT-ly." (Gary Hallock)

Legend: what the cat falls off of when you throw a shoe at it (as in,
"He's run right off the ledge-end!". (Jason Dias)

Alternate: "We took our dog Nathaniel to the vet and asked him to
ALTERNATE because he's much too aggressive." (Ken Pinkham)

Carnation: "The Chinese use bicycles, but Japan is a CARNATION." (Bob
Dvorak)

MONDEGREENS

Grapefruit through the night (Gave proof through the night) Francis
Scott Key "The Star Spangled Banner."

Stand beside her, and diaper through the night with a light from above.
(Stand beside her, and guide her...) Irving Berlin "God Bless America"
(Megan Lord)

Queries and Answers

A: Armadillo
Q: What should you never do if you want to feel safe from a dillo
attack?

A: Particularly.
Q: Lee was very fussy. By what nickname did her friends call her? (Cynthia MacGregor)

A: Barry Manilow
Q: What does an undertaker do with an empty grave? (Gary Hallock)

A: Nantucket
Q: What does Nan's mom say about her shirt tail? (Bob Dvorak)

A: Baskin- Robbins, says Ken Pinkham
Q: What do you call red breasted birds relaxing in the sun?

ADVICE from Sandy Sibert

And always be sure to finish what.
Avoid archaic spellings too.

Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly
superfluous.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences. As Sir Winston Churchill
said, "That is one rule up with which I do not like to have to put up
with".
Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

FROM THE KEGEL ARCHIVES

"Waiter, are there any eggs on your menu?"
"No, I wiped them off."

"Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!"
"Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops. Next"

"Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains"
"Well pull yourself together then. Next."

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

And remember, always, the falling leaves as we end September, that

A day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.

Volume 25, September 2004

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The Pundit

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

December 2004

Tempus sure does fugit! Here we are at the cheerful time of another year and Yule be happy to Noel still Carol lot for merriment and wordplay! So, it's hap punning for a New Year and the festive season. (copied from the holiday edition of the Pundit, December 2001)

California vintners in the Napa Valley area that primarily produces Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from sexhaustion.

Obviously Onestone meant what he said.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and cried, "Good to see you, Onestone..."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest. He made love to her all that day. He made love to her all night. He made love to her all the next day, and all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die! The moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone!

BITTER THAN NOTHING

1.My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

THE WASHINGTON POST'S STYLE INVITATIONAL once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are a chosen few:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize that it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

TWPSI continues...

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
TWPSI continues...

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

KEGEL'S KORNEROF KORNFOR KIDS

(These are taken from a collection of kid's puns in the annals of the POTY 2000, Dr. Stan Kegel)

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." (Shara Smock)

What's the best way to make a skeleton laugh? Tickle his funny bone (Jayson, 7)

KKKK cont'd...

Why are fish such poor tennis players? Because they don't like to get too close to the net. (Bailey, 7)

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?" (Robert Bryan)

Why was Elmo's report card all wet? Because his grades were all below "C" level! (Brittany, 11)

Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs? She mislaid them (Daily Groaner)

Did you hear about the comedian owl? He was a real hoot. (Lederer & Ertner)

What did the geometry teacher say when she lost her parrot? Where's my polygon? (Andrea)

What would you use to treat a pig with a rash? Oinkment! (Tyler, 9)

A red blood cell walked into a busy restaurant. The hostess asked, "Would you like to sit at the bar?" The red cell answered, "No thanks, I'll just circulate." (Stan Kegel)

A man goes to see his psychiatrist. He says, "Some days I think I'm
Mickey Mouse. Other days, I think I'm Donald Duck." The shrink says,
"How long have you been having these Disney spells?" (Ms. Scarlet)

...and in keeping with the times....

What did the salt say to the pepper? Season's Greetings. (Daily Groaner)

We are going to announce the '10 Best Stressed Puns of 2004' at the start of 2005.

Please send in your choices for the 10 Best... We close this issue of the Pundit and wish you happy holidays and remind you that A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

Volume 25, December 2004

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock, Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com