1

The Pundit

The official 'e' newsletter of the International save the

Pun Foundation

2

3

Tiffany Wimberley asked what is

your favorite kind of humor? Here

are some of the answers she got:

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5

Volume 26, January 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock, Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

1

The Pundit

The official 'e' newsletter of the International save the

Pun Foundation

It's time to catch up on up, the ever-present two-letter word that may have

more meanings than any other and, at times, no meaning at all.

It's easy to understand up when it means skyward or toward the top of a list.

And clearly there are crucial differences between call and call up and beat

and beat up. But I have to wonder why we warm ourselves up, why we

speak up, why we shower up, why a topic comes up, and why we crack up at

a joke. Let's face up to it: we're all mixed up about up. Usually the little

word is totally unnecessary.

Why do we light up a cigar, lock up the house, polish up the silverware, and

fix up the car when we can more easily and concisely light, lock, polish, and

fix them? At times, verbs with up attached mess up our heads and screw up

our minds with bewildering versatility.

To look up a chimney means one thing, to look up a friend another, to look

up a word something else. We can make up a bed, a story, a test, our face,

and our mind, and each usage has a completely different meaning.

At other times, up- verbs are unabashedly ambiguous.

When we wind up our watch, we start it; when we wind up a meeting, we

stop it. When we hold up our partners on the tennis court, are we supporting

or hindering them?

How, pray tell, can we walk up and down the aisle at the same time and slow

up and slow down at the same time?

What bollixes up our language worse than anything else is that up can be

downright misleading. A house doesn't really burn up; it burns down. We

don't really throw up; we throw out and down. We don't pull up a chair; we

pull it along. Most of us don't add up a column of figures; we add them

down.

And why it is that we first chop down a tree, and then we chop it up?

Maybe it's time to give up on the uppity up.

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1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your

count

that votes.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat

minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium

at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd

dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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This may have been added to our pages B4, but 4 those who have not seen

M: all you mathematicians, engineers and other geniuses who have

difficulty converting units.

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1

bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billygram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =

Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decaration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University

Hospital = 1 IV League.

Since MTV doesn't seem interested in showing music videos any more,

perhaps they should start covering golf tournaments. Then, if music

starved viewers complained they could at least let their Vijay Singh.

Fore us from GARY HALLOCK

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One of the famed art museums in New York recently opened a month-long

exhibit of Origami works from several of the great Japanese masters.

To help finance the exhibition, it's been located in a separate area, with an

admission fee. Even season passes to the museum proper won't get you in

to this exhibit. Taking their cue from Cable TV, it's

clearly Paper View.

-- Bob Dvorak

...and in keeping with this paper, these PUNY people joined in the fold.

That's twisted.

Please fold that one, wrote Barry Austern

I hear the word has gotten out about the origami exhibition and the

attendance is in creasing. said Tiffany Wimberley

The museum director is keeping it in the family--all the

paperartwork in the show was done by his brother's halforiental

daughter...his Japan niece. wrote Cynthia MacGregor

I hope they offered folding chairs at that Origami Exhibit in NY.

GARY HALLOCK, fold again with these ever increasing words:

Japanese aren't the only ones who can do origami. I hear it's really

big in the Philippines. Ever seen the file on Manilla folders?

Sounds like Joseph wasn't able to make the paper cut. That's bond to

be painful. I hate to rag on him but it looks like he's reamed out.

Who would have thought this thread would re-vellum to be just a paper

tiger.

I suppose, if I wanted to join in, I'd have to take a leaf out of your book.

It's plain this is a weighty subject; and now I'll fold. Says Joseph Harris and

we do too.

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The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to

take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or

changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's

winners.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops

bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows

little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose

of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the

subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the

person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running

late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra

credit.)

Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these

really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,

a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day

consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter

when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after

you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your

bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in

the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

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More from Katarina Hodgson Fractured deaffynotions

1. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

2. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

3. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage,

4. Burglarize: What a crook sees with,

5. Control: A short, ugly inmate.

6. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

8. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

10. Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of

loot.

11. Misty: How golfers create divots.

12. Paradox: Two physicians

13. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.

15. Polarize: What penguins see with.

16. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. Relief: What trees do in the spring.

18. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

19. Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

20. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

21. Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government

official.

...end again we come to the end of an issue and admonish you to remember

Volume 26, February 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock, Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

March 2005

Dave Tozier LM* recommends these Punny Books suggested by Bob Caldwell.

- The French Chef - by Sue Flay  

- Unemployed - by Anita Job  

- Off to Market - by Tobias A. Pigg  

- I Lived in Detroit - by Helen Earth  

- Inflammation, Please - by Arthur Itis  

- Handel's Messiah - by Ollie Luyah  

- Downpour! - by Wayne Dwops  

- Cloning - by Ima Dubble  

- Irish Flooring - by Lynn O'Leum  

- Holmes Does it Again - by Scott Linyard  

- Home Alone IV - by Eddie Buddyhome  

- Neither a Borrower - by Nora Lender Bee  

- The Scent of a Man - by Jim Nasium  

- Is O. J. Guilty? - by Howard I. Know  

- Animal Illnesses - by Ann Thrax  

- French Overpopulation - by Francis Crowded  

- Fallen Underwear - by Lucy Lastic  

- House Construction - by Bill Jerome Home  

- Lewis Carroll - by Alison Wonderland  

- Leo Tolstoy - by Warren Peace  

- The L. A. Lakers Breakfast - by Kareem O' Wheat  

- Why Cars Stop - by M. T. Tank  

- Wind in the Willows - by Russell Ingleaves  

- Look Younger - by Fay Slift  

- Mountain Climbing - by Andover Hand  

- It's Springtime! - by Theresa Green  

- No! - by Kurt Reply 

* life member of the ISTPF.

Thoughts provoked:

.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

How is it possible to have a 'civil' war?

The inventor of a hay baling machine made a bundle.

A pessimist's blood type is always B negative. 

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Bread bakers spend their time loafing.

Pharmacists are the pillers of society.

An unemployed jester is Nobody's Fool.

Catatonic is not an energy drink for felines.

Dreams in color are a pigment of your imagination.

Punster of the Year, Bob Thaves, shows he's "Frank & Ernest" when he cartoons,
Two garage mechanics. One is on the phone. He says: "The French
restaurant's snail delivery vehicle broke down. They want to know if we can make their escargot cargo car go."

What should you do if a U.S. government official sneezes on you and gives you a bad cold?

Sue da fed. says Emily Savin

Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with men. The problem
lies in the two halves of their brains - the left and the right.   The
left half has nothing right in it.   And the right half has nothing
left in it! (Lee Hogan)

Pepsi - Drops to perk up tired eyes.

Here's a question: Why do they call things in your butt hemorrhoids, shouldn't they be called asteroids?

Ignorance is bliss unless it causes you to miss your favorite TV show
Tempus Fugit except when your watch stops
Numquam theobromae obveni quin amarem. (I never met a chocolate I didn't like.)
The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected. - Will Rogers
General Motors is the Anti-Chrysler

Cynthia MacGregor decided to restage Bizet's opera in the Wild West, where the
heroine was now a chuck wagon cook. The retooled and of course retitled
opera was billed as CARMEN GETIT.

And Tiffany Wimberley tells us that the Rabbi Kushner is turning his bestseller "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" into a feature length picture with vignettes of bad things happening to good people.  He's taking a cue from Lemony Snicket on the title; it's going to be called "Theories of Unfortunate Events".

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.  ~Author unknown.

Winter Prosapio who is STILL bummed about the election finds punning the best therapy. What could beverse?

So I heard you are still bummed out about the election
It's been a haliburton to carry
Iraq my brain to understand
How This guy Kerry'd it off
Course he play the Rove like a champ

Were you surpised?
Osama what.
Ballots of people voted

You should be proud, he's a local, after all
I thought I'd have a Cheney heart
You know, get a new Condelezza on life
But I've Bin Laden down with the blues.
Errr, reds, I mean.

There's always next year
I was hoping it would be sooner rather than Nadar.
But I'm going to Chao down
And Leavitt alone for a while.
Jeb kick back
Spencer time alone

That's probably wise
Ashcrofty as these guys are, I can't
Let my national guard down too long
Or I Minata move to Canada
It's Snow way to run a country.
[Sigh]
Don't worry, Al Queda down after the mid terms.

So, we come to the end of another issue and admonish you with the motto of the ISTPF, a day without puns is like a day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 26, March 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

1

April 2005

The tired soldier Stan Kegel exclaimed,

"It's been a long March."

Do not be fooled, this is the April

edition.

An Easter thread sewn together by the

PUNY:

Just an informal survey--not an eggs act

science--what's the Easter Bunny's

favorite type of music: Hip-hop or

maybe something by Eddie Rabbit?

Scott

That's a hare brained reply, we all know

that the Easter Rabbit's favorite dance is

the bunny hop. Marie

Or "I'm Goin' To Wash That Man Right

Out Of My Hare." Stan

Also on the Easter Bunny's list of faves:

"I'm In the Mood Fur Love"

When not listening to his favorite tunes,

The Easter Bunny likes the Comedy

albums of Carrot Top.

The Easter Bunny was home schooled as

a youngster, but his mother kicked him

out of class. She said, "If you warren

paying attention, den you got no place

hare." Guy

His sister, a PLAYBOY bunny, is a

member of the fraternal order of the

Easter Star.

His fave motto is Hare today, gone

tomorrow.

His fave expression is 'Ears looking at

you!'

He doesn't carrot all for eggs himself.

If he doesn't have what he needs he's

never too bashful to burrow it.

He gets around town via Rabbit Transit.

His fave song is My Bunny Lies Over

the Ocean.

His second fave is In Your Easter

Bunnit.

His favorite opera is AIDA because, he

says, "Aida pound of chocolate a

day." Cyn

I opened my mailbox this morning, saw

this thread developing and thought to

myself, "Watership load of bunny puns!"

My peeps tell me this could well be

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another lepus year. I know old rabbits

die hard but we really don't want a

rePeter of the incident like we had

last week with the flowers. Even a

little hare line crack can blow up in your

face. (Just ask Richard Pryor.) If this

goes on all weekend it Cadbury well do

us Cyn. GARY HALLOCK

The rabbits all lined up in a hare line, so

tense that the head bunny reminded them

to march mellow. One fellow though

resisted all entreaties and got very

temperamental. He was a hot, cross bun.

Cyn

I have a hutch that we'll be pelted for

days as that seems to hoppin often

to litterate posts. Norm S

I've tried to stay out of this hole. Not

very chic. Looks like I'm in it's clutch,

though. I hate to be too hard-boiled

about it, so I'll give it a thorough

eggsam. (I've been dyeing to do this.)

Now I can go back to thinking (just like

Rodint)...Bob D

Ya know it really bugs me that my next

door neighbor Harvey, has been

parading up and down 5th Ave. acting

like a basket case..Marie

.

I parade that this thread would end

before "son rise" bonnet wasn't likely.

In fact I still cottontail for sure if it has,

but the stone has been rolled from the

entrance of his tomb. He stirs! GARY

HALLOCK

Easter is a kind of wind. Nor easter is

NOT a wind--as in, nor wester nor

easter either. Easter is also what the vet

did with the sick St. Bernard--he

easter up onto the exam table. Cyn

And just for the record, I spent Easter on

my keister...Scott

A dozen eggs-actly surprise me that we

would spend this sacred religious

holiday cracking wise and making yolks

at the eggspense of our Christian "he

rose." Jesus symbolically offered to

wash our feats in order to save our

soles. The many wonderful feets of

Jesus, a just ruler, cannot be measured.

Icon tell you this much though. You're

albumin idiots and are gonna burn in

shell. Now that my tirade is all ova, I

have to ask. Was it good for you?

It's been a blasphemy! GARY

I'm reminded of ...the rabbit that worked

in a bakery. It was the yeaster bunny.

... the rabbit that transcended dental

medication. It was the ether bunny.

... the female rabbit that migrated from

California to Massachusetts. It was

the East her bunny. Jim

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual]

HEADLINES: (are these the ones caused by

corduroy pillow cases?)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash,

Expert Says.

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down

Jaywalkers.

Is There a Ring of Debris around

Uranus?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes

Over.

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting

Defendant.

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War Dims Hope for Peace.

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May

Last Awhile.

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.

Enfield (London) Couple Slain;

Police Suspect Homicide.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery

Charge.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger

Test Group.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in

Spacecraft.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

Local High School Dropouts Cut in

Half.

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.

And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips

Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

A NEW WINE FOR SENIORS.

California vintners in the Napa Valley

area, which primarily produces Pinot

Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio

wines, have developed a new hybrid

grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is

expected to reduce the number of trips

older people have to make to the

bathroom during the night. The new

wine will be marketed as Pino More

A play on words in which a key word is

repeated in a different, often contrary,

sense.

[From Greek antanaklasis (echo or

reflection), from anti- (against) +

ana- + klasis (breaking or bending).]

Some examples of antanaclasis:

o Your argument is sound, nothing but

sound. -Benjamin Franklin.

o If you aren't fired with enthusiasm,

you will be fired with enthusiasm.

-Vince Lombardi.

o Learn some craft when young, that

when old you may live without craft.

-Anonymous.

"Other types of puns, apart from

antanaclasis, paronomasia and

syllepsis, are also frequently used...

Antanaclasis; repetition of a

word in two different senses; Our

frequent fliers can frequent other

fliers. (British Airways)"

James H. Leigh; The Use of Figures of

Speech in Print Ad Headlines;

Journal of Advertising; Jun 1994.

Anu Garg

More from PUNY

Does one buy...

Shrimp in a Prawnshop?

Pigs' feet in a hock shop?

A chafing dish from a dermatologist?

A scarecrow at a shoo store?

A helmet at a hardwear store?

Animated computer images at a gif

shop?

Wool at a card shop?

Riverfront property at a bank?

Lollipops at a liquor store?

Pigeon coops at a coat shop?

A mummy from a chiropractor?

4

A backrub at a lumbaryard?

A toupee from a locksmith?

A totem pole at a luggage shop?

Bob Dvorak and Mark Bensley

Wool coats at a ewe's clothing store?

Cartwheels at a gymnasium?

Half-truths at a public lie-barely?

Flags at a pennantentiary?

Winning lottery tickets at the fortune

teller window?

GARY HALLOCK

Patricia Crosbie sends these Idle

Thoughts of a tired Mind:

I planted some bird seed. A bird came

up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found

someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know

they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money

can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men

would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts

free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I

believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous

in the home and, when he grows up, he'll

never be able to merge his car onto a

freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half

as long.

Experience is the thing you have left

when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical

questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't

talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a

hammer, every problem begins to look

like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead

batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced

bread? Hmmmm?

My weight is perfect for my height --

which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not

sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its

popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away

from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per

second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure,

how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on

the ground, and I'll show you a man who

can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks

like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings

taste like chicken?

FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER

FIFTY......When we were

young......

A computer was something on TV

From a Science Fiction show of

note,

A window was something you

hated to clean .

And a ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of my

girlfriend

And gig was a job for the nights

Now they all mean different things

And that really mega bytes.

5

An application was for

employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano.

A Memory was something that you

lost with age

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3 1/2-in. floppy

You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did

to the garbage

Not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in

public

You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the

fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the

road

A mouse pad was where a mouse

lived

And a backup happened to your

commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and

paper

And the memory in my head.

I hear nobody's been killed in a

computer crash

But when it happens they wish

they were dead.

(PS: We used a larger font size so

everyone over 50 could read it

comfortably)

We hooked Haiku to toon with Mike-

Ashley Cooper and the result here is one

of our all time favorites.

We remind you to go to

www.punpunpun.com for information

THE 28th ANNUAL O.HENRY PUNOFF

WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS.

As we end this issue, once again we say,

"A day without puns is like a day

without sunshine, there's gloom for

improvement."

Volume 26, April 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun

Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and

is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at

www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

May 2005 (FIRST HALF)

Due to circumstances beyond the pale, the 28th Annual O.Henry Pun-Off World Championships will be once again held in Austin, Texas on Saturday, May 14, 2005.  This irreverent assault on our anguished language annually lures both veteran verbivores and naive neophytes on a passionate pilgrimage to meet their Mecca in Austin.

Free parking is available on the street within a reasonable walking distance. Food and drink will be available.

Spaces are open for 32 competitive punslingers in two different categories of competition. Many will be left out standing in their fields as they attempt to harvest this year's bumper crop of corn. Up for grabs will be the title of "Punniest of Show." This freestyle competition for punsters with prepared material allows 90 seconds for creative have-wits from every crook and nanny to stuff their struts. Later bushel come to shove as another corny crop of 32 contestants face off in the "High-Lies & Low-Puns" competition. These punsters are paired up and pared down by battling in wordplay on a given a topic with strict time limits.

Although the crowd groans louder and larger each year, contest registration and admission are still free.  Warm-up music will be furnished by live band stating at 10am. The actual competitions begin at noon and should draw to a twisted end near 5pm.

The Friends of O.Henry will also hold a used book sale and silent auction at the event.

Revenue from refreshment and souvenir sales helps support educational projects at the museum.

Word butchers and prospective pundits who wish to jest for a wordy cause are invited to call or visit the museum.  If you are itching for more inflammation, The O.Henry Museum is located at 409 E. 5th St., Austin TX 78701 or call (512) 472-1903, fax (512) 472-7102. Online registration for the competition is now available through the website.

For interviews or details, contact Gary Hallock at 512/453-4431 or 512/973-9929 <garyhallock@mac.com>

Museum website http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/parks/ohenry.htm

Friends of O.Henry website http://www.ohenryfriends.org

Pun-Off website http://www.punpunpun.com

The ANNUAL O.HENRY PUN-OFF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS is a co-production of: *  The City of Austin Parks and Recreation Department (PARD) *  The Friends of the O.Henry Museum , a 501(c)(3) non-profit corporation. *  P.U.N.Y. (Punsters United Nearly Yearly) which is also without a prophet.

After a 3 year exile, the O.Henry Pun-Off World Championships return this year to the back yard of the O.Henry Museum, Brush Square, 409 E.5th. on Saturday May 14. Our comb humming year!

We expect to have the stage set up and decorated early on the evening of Friday the 13th. Since everything is in place we're holding our picnic right there too. It'll be billed as "Act One" of the Pun-Off.

At approximately 6:30pm we will have some live music playing in the area and our food vendor will start cooking up some grub.

Somewhere along about 7pm many hard core members of PUNY will have arrived. All O.Henry Board members, Sponsors, Pun-Off contestants, past and present and any segment of the general public who are curious are encouraged to attend. This is pun-intensive entertainment but we want to be inclusive.

Once the food and the people are warmed up and the music has cooled down we will begin to roast our "Punster of the Year."  This appetizer of roasted corn will supplement the pay-as-you-go meal provided by our friends from the Bakehouse Restaurant.

Throughout the evening there will be experimental pun-games played, musical tributes offered, recitations, auctions, pun challenges and various other entertaining activities.

Purchase of a meal is not required, but considering this is also a fund-raiser for the friends of O.Henry, please be prepared to part with some cash for our "wordy cause." The museum staff will be present and the museum will remain open late. The festivities will
probably last until about 10pm.

Some important aspects of this event remain unclear. The musical acts are being arranged by Steve Brooks and Joel McColl. Depending on certain legal aspects, beer may or may not be available. Some free public parking will be possible but arriving early is a good.

Thyme is growing short to register early for the Pun-Off. Weed sure love to have you come a lawn for the ride again this year. Don't wait until there's no mow time. We're expecting a bumper crop of corn this ear. You can get all the flax you need for registering by visiting http://www.punpunpun.com/.

Even if you can't or won't be able to participate this year, please follow the trail to the online registration site and fill out the form so that you'll remain on our active mailing list. (Click the "mailing list only" option)
Gary Hallock (O.Henry Pun-Off )

That's it for the first half of May. We shall continue with a Pundit for May (2^nd half) after the PUN-OFF. That should be around the 15^th.

Look for us then as ALL the results of this fabulous event will be the Pundit and then you will know the rest of the story.

Until May 15^th or so, always remember that a day without puns is like day without sunshine, there's gloom for improvement. I'll be there, will you?

Volume 26, May (1^st half) 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at http://www.punpunpun.com/.

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

JUNE 2005

It was twenty four years ago today that the very first PUNDIT was issued and sent around the world. I thought it would be good to go back and see just how much word play has changed in the last quarter century and to bring you the very beginning of the newsletter.

"June 1981

Welcome to the mad world of word-play!

This is the first issue of the International Save the Pun Foundation' Newsletter.

 Your comments and contributions will be welcomed.

Although we cannot credit sources, we will be pleased to publish for the joy of other Members of the Foundation any puns which meet our high standards of uttered nonsense.

And from these pages we will select every December the TEN BEST PUNS OF THE YEAR. At this point John Crosbie wrote, 'The first person to have submitted each of these will receive an autographed copy of Crosbie's Dictionary of Puns. As well, future editions of that book will reflect the Foundation's primary purpose by saving for posterity the contents of the PUNDIT.

Do let us hear from you!' (Since John passed away in January 1994, copies of the Dictionary were no longer available, autographed or not.) On with it then.

* * *

Remember: Charter flights to nudist colonies are the only ones which inlude a take off on landing.

* * *

Beware the male boss who clings to old concepts! If his new secretary isn't sweet in the daytime and a little tart at night, he may saccharin the morning!

* * *

As prime minister of the beaten country said to his valet,

"I think it's time that we pact!"

* * *

You should always keep some aspirin in your fishing kit -- in case you get a haddock.

When mail was first delivered by steamboat, it consisted entirely of coast cards.

* * *

Did you know that the use of toads as a food began in France? A famous chef there found that if you sautéed frogs in eggs  and milk they were delicious. Thus was born 'French Toads'

* * *

Apparently, the reason that Molly kept losing in the annual bike race was that she had to practice at night. As she explained, 'I lackadaisical.'

* * *

People aren't as worried as they should be by the power  shortage. For most of them, it's A.C. come, A.C. go.

* * *

If you want to be instrumental in tuning up these plays on words, don't phone.

Xylophone you.

* * *

In a remote area of Northern Canada where winter fuel is scarce, an ingenious Eskimo hooked up his stove to his outhouse. He now heats his home with profane gas.

* * *

Remember one thing:

Though the 'B' in debt is silent,

It supplies the sting.

* * *

You can always tell if a lass is Scottish by the way she rolls her Rs.

* * *

When geese fly upside down, they quack up.

* * *

That G-string worn by strippers is said to have derived its name from the exclamations of the audience.

* * *

And who is wishing birthday joy to thee?

Iamb, iamb, iamb, iamb, iamb.

* * *

A small French cake filled with bird meat is known éclair du loon.

* * *

A recent report from Mount St. Helens in Oregon indicates that there has been a new development with respect to its volcano. Geologists who managed to reach the rim of the crater heard what sounded like music coming up out of the depths. They had a recording engineer flown in by helicopter. He confirmed their findings and was able to identify the tune as being 'LAVA COME BACK TO ME'

* * *

Weather cocks are vain creatures.

* * *

Margaret Ann was excited at the prospect  of going out with a new date. However, when he insisted on using public transportation, a streetcar maimed desire.

* * *

A successful acupuncture is a jab well done.

* * *

A doctor used to drop into a bar near his office every night precisely at five. The bartender would have waiting for him a well-chilled daiquiri with crushed almonds sprinkled on top.

One afternoon the bartender discovered that he was out of almonds. With five o'clock approaching, he hurriedly substituted ground hickory nuts.

The doctor arrived, took a sip and made a face. "What is this?" he demanded.

"Oh," said the bartender bravely, "That's a hickory daiquiri, Doc!"

* * *

Corn auctions produce auction ears.

* * *

With pain in the dome,

They both left the dull party

And yonder way home.

* * *

Alas for poor Pete! He lost his job as a tour guide in Arizona because he had no sense of Yuma.

* * *

                   HUFF: "Is this wine a domestic?"

PUFF: Well, it's not an American maid, if that's what you mean!"

* * *

There once was a fighter pilot who was so modest that he was known as "The F Ace." One day his colonel said to him, "I would like to make you F.O."

"Fine, sir. I'll leave right now."

* * *

"Tell me class, what is the difference between one yard and two yards?"

Charles: "Usually it's a fence,"

* * *

A kaleidoscope is a device for watching automobile accidents.

From the days of the flivver and bathtub gin there survives the story of the college student with a hangover who asked his room mate to remind him how he made it home from the previous night's party. His fellow student sang, "My Old Kentucky Home."

* * *

Eve was nigh Adam;

Adam was naive.

* * *

My first wife thinks that the only good writers are dead ones. Perhaps she's afraid of neuritis.

* * *

In Scotland porridge is known as OAT CUISINE.

* * *

The latest novelty act to be seen on television is a dancing duck.

Waddle they think of next?

* * *

They also surf who only stand and wade.

* * *

The general who worries the most usually wins. In fact, it helps to be a born warrior.

* * *

Uncle Oscar got all sauced up the other night and decided that he was a tap dancer. Unfortunately, he kept falling in the sink!

* * *

As the puppy lisped when he sat in the snow, "My tail is told.""

* * *

So, there it is, the first ever PUNDIT. Recreated herein verbatim.

Here we are 285 issues later and still it is proven that the pun is mightier as the word.

As always you are asked to remember that a day without puns is like a day with out sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 26 June 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

July  2005

They married in June

She became his new missus.

Now she never does.

-:)-:)-:)

Harry opened the door under the sign advertising "Jenny's Tea Shoppe".  Jenny looked up as he came in.
"May I help you?" she inquired.
"I'd like some tea," he replied.  "Nothing too fancy."
"I'm sorry," Jenny said, "but I only carry 'fancy'.  Perhaps you'd like some Golden Darjeeling.  I have Dragonwell Green in today's sampling pot.  I have a discount offer this week on Osmanthus.  You see, this IS a Specialty Shop." (-- Bob Dvorak)
And a good one it is too.    The teapots are non-drip; the spouts are lipped on the underside.
As a tribute to some religious practices an extra cup is put on the table to
be filled but not drunk;  this is the leaf tea.
Currently the shop is co-operating in atomic power trials with the latest
idea:  in-fusion.
Some teas have to be specially stored and cared for, so when you buy the Sri
Lanka  varieties make sure they still have the Seal On.
And, when all is said and done, nothing cheers like a cup of good, hot
strong tea ;  the Brou-Ha-Ha. (Joseph Harris)

-:)-:)-:)

Warren Anderson  says beyond the pail - there's usually a mess on the floor.

Mr. Edmund P. Witherspoon strode down the front steps of his mansion toward the E-Type in the circular drive. As he reached the walk, the Head Gardener approached him.  "Sir, I have a problem, and I'd like your opinion, please.  We have three dogwoods that appear to have developed a blight.  I'm going to replace them.  Perhaps something a bit sturdier? Ornamental plum?  Magnolia? Redbud?"
The banker paused and looked at him.  "Mac, do what you need to do.  It's all the same to me if it looks good.  I'm sorry but I don't have the time for these pleasant trees." (-- Bob Dvorak )
 ===============
That arrogant banker should consider relocating to another community.
Being in the business of finance, he should quickly notice that it's
not just his trees that are in bad shape, his entire village is
withering away on the vine. Even the dogwoods know that their burg is
worse than their blight. (Gary Hallock)

-:)-:)-:)

Books that should be published

"Why does Everybody Hate Me?" by Perry Noid

"Caring for your Flower Garden" by Phil and Rhoda Dendron

"Italian Cooking" by Lynne Gweenie

"Hey, Cheer Up!" by Rosie Outlook

"Where Am I?" by Barry D'Alive

"How to Get your House Clean" by Dustin Furniture (with an introduction by Dawn Dishsoap)

"You Got to be Kidding!" by Shirley U. Jest

"This Guy is Nuts" by Lou Scannon

"World's Most Complete Cookbook", by Sally Doyle, Hazel Nutt, Phil Bert, Mac A. Roni, Biff Wellington, Mary Nade, Patty Cake, Patty Melt, Candy Kain, Ginger Root, Reuben Sandwich, Boyle D'Eggs, Artie Choke, Mary Shino, Beau Lonie, and Sal Ommie.

"How to Fix Most Anything" by Stanley Tools, Allen Wrench, Phillip Screwdriver.

"Oh, How I Hate Spiders" by Eric Nafobia.

-:)-:)-:)

If you lived next to a Health Club, you would have Gym Neighbors. (asks Yosef Calman) 

ACCOUNTING FOR BAD TASTE: MY FAMILY TREE
I came by my confusion about words naturally. I grew up hearing my grandparents speak to me in four languages. These are the stories they told me about my family origins and their philosophies of life.
My English grandfather, Hugh Morris Wird-Pleigh said:
If ONE wants TWO follow the family THREE, it requires some FOURsight. I know. FIVE done it! Though it made me SIX sometimes. Its SEVEN harder than you think, makes you EIGHT your assi-NINE relatives, off-TEN.

My German grandfather was Otto Nobader. He said:
Drink!! I'm not l'EIN. Dats ZWEI DREI ice and cold VIER are my recipe for gut time. Can have funf! Lots of SECHS, SIEBEN. I ACHT-o know. It can be a NEUN to others, but it keeps you ZEHN!
My French/Scottish grandmother, Anne-Marie McQuick told me:
UN(h)! DEUX TROIS to listen! I came on ze ship "Leon d'Afrique," but ze QUATRE CINQ On ze SIX! I was SEPT to begin farming huit. But E-NEUF! I met your grandfather, and DIX is how it EES!
My last grandmother was Spanish royalty. Her name was Leticia Juana Countess Blassings. The countess told me:
I am UNO DOS 'at tres my origins QUATRO far, don't you CINCO? No matter what anyone SEIS, SIETE your sights on OCHO want, an' NUEVE goodbye to bad times. Other people have bad cards? Not you! You hold DIES! (By Stephen Nagle)

-:)-:)-:)

Cardiologist said, "If you're smart,
"Organ transplant is best, on your part." 
Guy said, "I don't need it."
But then he acceded,
Undergoing a quick change of heart. (-- Bob Dvorak)

-:)-:)-:)

Entering a remote inn on a cold and rainy night, I was stopped by a small man who told me he was sick, tired, and broke, and would I provide him with enough for a warm indoors room for the night?  Feeling sorry for him and having not yet my monthly tithe for charitable works, I bought him a room at the inn.

 As we headed upstairs, he told me he was really a leprechaun, but a bad one, and that he had already used up the gold. What he had left was a magic talking cloth which would give good advice when asked.  He gave it to me and told me to use it wisely.  We parted ways.

 I got up to my room and it had two beds. I asked the cloth in which bed should I sleep -- it told me to take the one away from the window.  In the middle of the night, the wind rose and a tree limb crashed through the window onto the other bed.  What a miraculous instrument the fellow had given me!

 The next morning I resumed my journey.  And when I came to a fork in the road, I asked my newfound companion which way I should go.

"I can't tell you now," came the reply. "I'm a night towel." (Bob Dvorak)

 -:)-:)-:)

Do you know why I preserve vegetables and fruits in jars and store them on my basement shelves?  Because I CAN!!! (Pam Dilbeck)

-:)-:)-:)

As always, you are asked to remember that a day without puns is like a day with out sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 26 July 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

August 2005

SIGNS OF THE TIMES:

Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

& "We're #1 in the #2 business."

Proctologist's door

"To expedite your visit please back in."

Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed." & "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

Pizza Shop Slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

A Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

An Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

A Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

An Optometrist's Office

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

On a picket fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

A Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

A Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

A Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

A Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,

"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

Alphonse and Gaston struggled upward toward the summit. The problem was that Alphonse stopped at every switchback to adjust his gear. Finally, Gaston thundered, "Al, what is it this time?"

 Alphonse replied, "My laces. They're Toulouse for Lautrec"

ROBERT GRAEF SENDS US THESE POINTS TO PONDER.

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Arun Ramachandran asks,Did you hear about the lesser known but highly controversial Jane Goodall story? It seems that on her last visit to Africa in 1987, she was accompanied by one of her new students, Ronald Foom. Now, Ronald, not unlike his famous teacher, had an intense and all-consuming desire to learn more about the African Chimps. Being only a struggling
student, and one out of the fifty-odd who accompanied Ms Goodall on
the year long field trip, Ronald had a burning desire to use this
opportunity to outshine the others and be counted with the best.
He slaved during the night, poring over the semianal works in animal
behaviour and psychology. During the day, he would use his new-found
knowledge to perform social experiments on the chimps. Increasingly
being distracted by the fumbling efforts of others, he started
venturing deeper and deeper into the forest, in search of the perfect
chimpanzee family. At last, he struck gold. He found a chimp family of
ten, completely secluded and untouched by human beings, in a corner of
the jungle where even Jane Goodall would not dare to venture.
Having found his catch, Ronald set about assimilating himself into the
chimps' social network, and slowly started communicating with them in
sign language. To his astonishment, he found that he was making
terrific progress. Within six months, he had completely taught sign
language to the ENTIRE group. This was unheard of! The only other
success in teaching a chimpanzee sign language was attributed to the
grand mistress herself, and she too had only been able to teach sign
language to one single chimpanzee after labouring for ten years.
Not able to contain his excitement, Ronald ran back to the camp to
tell the others of the good news. The chimps, who had become very
attached to this strange but lovable hairless creature, followed him
to the camp as well. When Ronald demostrated his accomplishment to the
rest of the team, they were too stunned to speak! Then, as if on cue,
they broke out into an uproar, and started clamouring Jane Goodall to
make this news public.
However, to the dismay of everyone, Jane declined to endorse Ronald
and his accomplishment. When challenged, she simply remarked:-
"Hmph, what's so terribly exciting about this? Everybody knows that a
new Ron has multiple sign apes."

Bow-WOW, that group was either nipping at, or slobbering over, each other all the dog-gone time; it was a real bone of contention.  In response to some pet-y guard-dog-style attack-ticks, I mutt-erred that I would cur-tail my visits, but I guess they don't care fi-do. Rather than howl about it, I marched outta that pup-tent, left-right after you did! I hated to flea, but the way they stray-ed off topic was making me BARF.  (Not to mention what the abuse photos were doing to me!) That letter-writer's tail is a shaggy-dog story, Dave. It's a bitch, but whether looking up to hys or down to pits, K-9 times outta 10, a carnivore is a Can-I-Gore... Parents sometimes ask me if my Dane bites, and I always say, "heck no, she LOVES kids--swallows 'em whole!" (Not really, but at least they paws before offering up their wee ones...) Still, maybe those dogs wouldn't kill a kid. Maybe, instead, they'd  simply eat him alive! Either way, no tyke would have a prey-er. You might be on to something about the relationship of god to dog, if  your vision is reflective. Personally, I'd like to pound anybody who would have their dog killed at their death.  And I do mean "pound," it'd serve 'em right. Especially if they're caged together...submitted by Pam Dilbeck

As always, you are asked to remember that a day without puns is like a day with out sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 26 August 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

Sept 2005

"Musical InterLEWD". By O.Henry Punoff champion, Tiff Wimberly.

OBOE, have I got a story for you all!  I was on the Internet last week when I received a NOTE via AOL/Netscape Internet Messenger. I could tell by his online name that he was a man.  I asked him who he was and he said a male.  (This started to set off some BELLS.) I asked him if I knew him and he said "no". (I could tell he was up to STRUMthing at this point because I was REEDing between the lines.) I, then, asked him why he was sending me a message and he said "...because I wanted to let you know that I was HORNy!"  He made it perfectly CLAVIER that he has in the MOOG!  He wanted cyberSAX...can you believe it?  In all my year and a half online I can't MARIMBA anything like this happening before!  At that point, there were aLUTE of things I could have said like "Shove A COU STIC where the sun doesn't shine!" but I figured it would make matters VERSE and I wanted him to GUITAR hell off my computer so I deleted the Internet Messenger box in seconds FLAT and blocked him just in KEYS he tried to do it again.  I find interruptions like these totally disCONCERTINA.  I declare the I-NET is a haven for weirdoes!  Apparently these weirdoes SITAR in from of their computer and try to DRUM up unsuspecting people by trying to broadCAST A NET through mass messaging and enSNARE them into a trap. ACCORDION to a recent survey a lot of men and women are participating in cyberSAX...probably because it is no STRINGS attached or maybe because it is free and they don't want to pay his or HAR MONY for phone sex.  This is scary because hardly a day goes by when you don't read about an act of VIOLINS due to some nut going after his victim that he/she met on the Internet.  When I got this TREBLing message I wanted to pick up and XYLOPHONE to call AOL and inCHOIR of their STAFF about their policies in reporting incidences like these.  They would probably ask "DIDGERIDOOL the fine print before you signed on with us?"  I would then ask to speak to the MAN DOLIN' out the penalties and if he couldn't help me then I would have a talk with the top BRASS at AOL. I could really get this guy in DOBROE trouble if I also contacted the FCC!  It's TUBAt that they can't make an example out of him so that he could CYMBALize what happens to people who do this sort of thing...put him in jail OR CHESTRATE him...he'll get no SMYPHONY from me!  The very least that they BAN JOE or any other Tom, Dick or Harry from the Internet who does this.  I shouldn't FRET he'll get his BASSOONer or later.  You all may think I have HARPed on this long enough but if you have any thoughts on this feel free to CHIME in!.

☺☺☺

WHY COMPUTERS SOMETIMES CRASH!  in Dr. Seuss style. (Read aloud)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your curser finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ‘cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! (Well, that certainly clears things up for me).

☺☺☺

"THE REVENGE OF ANGUISHED ENGLISH", Richard Lederer's fifth book on accidental assaults on the English language, has been released, and is hilarious.  With the permission of the author, here are a few examples from each chapter:

Part 5: "What's That You Say?"From: "A Mangling of Malapropisms":

Eight candidates, including four incompetents, are seeking the four City Council positions this year.

Unless dues are paid by March 1, you will be dismembered.

Conditions that allow a visit to the emergency room: Heart Attack, severe bleeding and loss of conscience.

From: "A Mixing of Metaphors":

Traditional music is handed down by ear.

You must put your foot down with a firm hand.

It's like beating the horse after the barn door is closed.

From "Fuzzy Logic":

Of course you don't remember the first time you heard the song; you weren't even born yet!

Statistics show that teenage pregnancies drop off significantly after age 25.

Spoken by a Los Angeles DJ shortly after the 1990 earthquake: The telephone company is urging people to please not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep this lines open to emergency personnel.  We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins concert tickets to call number 95.

From "Casting a Spell":

For Sale: Four rolls bedroom wallpaper, plus attractive boarder.

The driver of the car was cited for wreckless driving.

She is known to work hormoneously with others.

From "Extra-Tasty Grammer Crackers":

The dinner is to honour interns and residents who are leaving the hospital and their wives.

Double closets in the foyer provide plenty of space to hang your coats and guests.

Note the startling result of the absence of the hyphens in this headline:

FATHER TO BE STABBED TO DEATH IN STREET.

From: "A Misplacement of Modifiers:

The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.

A 27 year old Stanford student pleaded guilty to the charge of attempting to lure a 10 year old girl into a sexual liaison in the San Mateo Superior Court Friday.

We will show you how to fix up your home and then sell it for only a few dollars.

From: "Typo Negative":

Proud of her canning abilities, Mrs. Hawkins took Reverend Williams to the basement and showed him her well-filled panties.

Diane's wedding drew a terrific crown, including Sally Bates, who everyone thought was a broad.

The farmers in Annapolis Valley are pleased to announce that this year there will be an abundance of apples. This is particularly good news as most of the farmers haven't had a good crap in years.

☺☺☺

FROM KEN KRAMER'S KOLLECTION OF WORDPLAY:

If you golf on Election Day, cast an absent -tee ballot.

He lost the worm from his hook and went on fishing unabated.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Ski vacations start on a high but go down hill from there.

☺☺☺

As always, you are asked to remember, that a day without puns is like a day with out sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 26 September 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

October 2005 

A quote from William Safire; in his column of tomorrow; puns were not the topic but did get involved. He wrote:

"A word of advice to the putative chief justice: when using a pun in a judicial opinion, do not write "excuse the bad pun." Remember, there are no "bad" puns - all plays on words are good, and the louder the groans they elicit, the better. And never forget; do not insult your audience by calling attention to the coming wordplay."

Staying in the realm of news givers; Washington Post Contest: 2005: Readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.  The current crop of entertaining neologisms includes:

Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly: Impotent.

Negligent: Describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle: Olive flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence:  Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle: a humourous question on an exam.

Rectitude: The formal dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon: a Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversation with ‘Yiddishisms'.

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Some Others - Source Unknown

BLAMESTORMING:  Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed, or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER:  A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS:  The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY  The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM:  An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING:  When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO:  The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs:  Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY:  A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT:  An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY:  Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT:  Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:  The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE:  The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
OHNOSECOND:  That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFS:  Well-Off Older Folks.

From cemeteries around the world. These are taken from real headstones:

       Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

        Born 1903-Died 1942

        Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the

        car was on the way down.     It was.

                 ******************************

        In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

        Here lies an Atheist

        All dressed up

        And no place to go.

                ******************************

        In a London, England cemetery:

        Here lies Ann Mann,

        Who lived an old maid

        But died an old Mann.

        Dec. 8, 1767

              ****************************

        In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

        Anna Wallace:

        The children of Israel wanted bread,

        And the Lord sent them manna.

        Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,

        And the Devil sent him Anna.

               ******************************

        In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

        Here lies Johnny Yeast.

        Pardon me

        For not rising.

                  ******************************

        In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

        Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

        Stepped on the gas

        Instead of the brake.

                   ******************************

        In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

        Here lays The Kid.

        We planted him raw.

        He was quick on the trigger

        But slow on the draw.

                      *****************************

        A lawyer's epitaph in England:

        Sir John Strange.

        Here lies an honest lawyer,

        And that is Strange.

                      *****************************

        John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

        Reader, if cash thou art

        In want of any,

        Dig 6 feet deep;

        And thou wilt find a Penny.

                  *****************************

        In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

        On the 22nd of June,

        Jonathan Fiddle

        Went out of tune.

               *****************************

         Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont

         Here lies the body of our Anna -

         Done to death by a banana.

         It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

         But the skin of the thing that made her go.

              ******************************

         On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

         Under the sod and under the trees,

         Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

         He is not here, there's only the pod.

         Pease shelled out and went to God

             *****************************

         In a cemetery in England:

         Remember man, as you walk by,

         As you are now, so once was I.

         As I am now, you soon will be.

         Prepare yourself and follow me.

         (To which someone replied by writing on the

         tombstone:)

         To follow you I'll not consent

         Until I know which way you went.

As always, you are asked to remember, that a day without puns is like a day with out sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 26 October 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

November 2005

HOLIDAY PUNS - HALLOWEEN

What's the best place for a mirror? In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.
Where did the goblin throw the football? Over the ghoul line.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
What kind of car do the German scientists who clone sheep drive? Vee Double Ewe
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? Because everyone was a goblin!
What's the best way of talking to a warty witch? By telephone!
Who's the best dancer at a monster party? The boogey man!
What do little witches like to play at school? Bat's cradle!

At the rum factory loading dock, all of the workers speak in verse.

It shows that rhymes fly when you're heaving rum. Patricia Crosbie

THE BIOLOGICAL WORLD OF MATH
Rabbits multiply, snakes are adders,cells divide and worms are living below housing developments, sub tracting!  from Myra "Mikie" Frieman

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious!  It comes from a catholic elementary school test.  Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

Kid's bible study :

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2.  Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3.  Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4.  The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5.  Sampson was a strongman who let himself  be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

6.  Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7.  Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8.  The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went  up to mount  cyanide  to get the ten commandments.

9.  The first commandments was when eve told Adam to eat the  apple.

10.  The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11.  Moses died before he ever reached Canada.  Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the  battle  of Geritol.

12.  The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand  still and he obeyed him.

13.  David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700  porcupines.

15.  When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16.  When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17.  Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate  contraption.

18.  St.  John the blacksmith dumped water on his  head.

19.  Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20.  It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the  tombstone  off the entrance.

21.  The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22.  The Epistels were the wives of the  apostles.

23.  One of the Oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24.  St. Paul  cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another  name for marraige.

25.  Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Ken Kramer's plagiarees on words

When the skeleton went to a party he had no body to dance with.

A carpenter is a shelf made man.

When he tripped and fell in the wet concrete he left a bad impression.

Sometimes a pregnancy is so long it seems like a maternity

Banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.

Manufacturing contact lenses is harder than meets the eye.

A good baker will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast he can do.

When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

His eyes were milky as he cried and screamed, "I was an unsuccessful ordainedary farmer because nobody showed me the whey!"

The court jester was built like Arnold Schwartzenegger but the King of Sweden was not pleased with the mediocre meaty joker. (Bud 1 Wonsiewicz) )

With all the controversy surrounding Karl Rove, the President is appointing another member of Karl's family to serve as his advisor.  This new pun-ditto is a distant cousin twice removed.  It might have been a better choice had he been further removed, but that is not our concern here. 

The new man is Rove Ursa Suede.  Bush was reticent about this appointment until he learned that Rove Ursa did not represent options for crossing the Delaware.  Incidentally, Rove Ursa served as a Major in Sky King's Air Farce. (Edgar Billups)

According to the National Hurricane Center we are running out of names for storms for this hurricane season and they will have to resort to using the Greek alphabet for names. So, what do you all have to ZETA that? I PHIgure that is good for a few puns.  Like RHO vs. Wade or what is the ETA for landfall for this storm.  Right now, these storms are all everyone is TAUlking about (especially the one that hit the DELTA really hard) and I for one will heave a big PSI when nOMEGA storms will be heading towards land but I can see the headlines now for the first storm after we have run out of names...My Big Fat Greek Wetting. (Tiffany Wimberly.)

Entering a remote inn on a cold and rainy night, I was stopped by a small man who told me he was sick, tired, and broke, and would I provide him with enough for a warm indoors room for the night?  Feeling sorry for him and having not yet my monthly tithe for charitable works, I bought him a room at the inn.

 As we headed upstairs, he told me he was really a leprechaun, but a bad one, and that he had already used up the gold. What he had left was a magic talking cloth which would give good advice when asked.  He gave it to me and told me to use it wisely.  We parted ways.

 I got up to my room and it had two beds. I asked the cloth in which bed should I sleep -- it told me to take the one away from the window.  In the middle of the night, the wind rose and a tree limb crashed through the window onto the other bed.  What a miraculous instrument the fellow had given me!

 The next morning I resumed my journey.  And when I came to a fork in the road, I asked my newfound companion which way I should go.

 "I can't tell you now," came the reply. "I'm a night towel." (Bob Dvorak)

As always, you are asked to remember, that a day without puns is like a day with out sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 26 November 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

December 2005

"A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical yet known to science.  This new element has been tentatively named 'Governmentium.'  Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.  Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.  However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A tiny amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally takes less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay but instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.  This hypocritical quantity is referred to as 'Critical Morass' or 'Critical Mess'.  You will know it when you see it.  When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons."

(Thus politicized Ami Maishlish)

Raining cats and dogs is better than hailing taxis!!

This was found on http://bertc.com/index.html

And it is shared herewith:  

English Pronunciation!?! 

If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world.  After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months of hard labour to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

Sounds like Richard Lederer, nest paw?

A giftee? Ombudsman - A Friend who will travel anywhere with you as long as there is beer.

A gift idea: Yarmugucci - A top of the line designer yarmulke.

And so to bed. Enwrapture - The joy of knowing that one good turn gets all the covers.

If this gift giving time is a knight mare,

Give her an I-POD!

Jim Ertner has entered these follow ups  to the 'Frayed Knot' story of yesteryear with this string:

A tiny insect somehow managed to become a psychoanalyst. To celebrate his new career, he went into the local saloon for a drink. The bartender asked him, "Are you a

medical bug?"  "No," was the reply, "I'm a Freud gnat."

A salamander was paroled from prison and went to the local saloon for a drink. The bartender asked him, "Are you that salamander criminal?"
came the reply, "I'm a freed newt."

An old arthritic dog was run over by a road building machine. He barely managed to crawl into a nearby pub. The bartender asked him if he was okay. "No", barked the dog, "I'm a flayed mutt."

One of the Tampa Bay football players who had sculled in college organized a rowing team composed of his most muscular team mates.   While practicing one day one of the players joked that they were so fast that they should be able to tow a water skier. The tried it and discovered that not only could they pull a skier they could pull several.   In the off season they appeared at Cypress Gardens where the act was billed as skiers and Row Bucs. (Norm Stevenson)

Carol's in the Pundit and mentally sings these:

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me.(and then took it all away).

On the festive menu in Italy:

A turtle with 2 legs--turtle leanie

Ronnie doesn't use a PC--macaRonnie

A downpour and you without an umbrella--lots on ya

Parody: Politically Correct Twelve Days of Christmas....
by  "Gil Ross"
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in theirunion
contract even though they will not be asked to play a note).
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling
class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from
enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front
threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French
hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid
further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package hasbeen revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah/Hanukkah. Good Kwanzaa.
Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)
Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected disorder
(SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for
celebration with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

As always, you are asked to remember, that a day without puns is like a day with out sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 26 December 2005

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com