January 2006

To open the New Year we offer this wealth of wordplay:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELIEF TO THE

NEWS TELLERS OF THE WORLD.

On this day, January 1, 2006, as on every New Year's Day since 1982, the International Save the Pun Foundation brings you the results of the voting of its members on their choices of the best puns of the year. (2005)

There are three kinds of people, those that can count and those that can't. Bearing this rule in mind we role out the International Save the Pun Foundation's list of the

The Best Stressed Puns of 2005.

There is no order ranking these puns but you will notice they are alphabetical. You may keep, photocopy, duplicate, imitate, adopt, mimic, send, forward, advance, deliver, or what ever it is you wish to do with these. Just so that all of you who have received this news release can share it with your friends relatives and any other pun lovers that you may wish to either cheer up or jeer up, your choice. There is no rhyme or reason to these they just are! So sit back, put your puns on and enjoy!

FOR ALL LEXOPHILES this exaltation of puns counts as one:

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your

count that votes.

6. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

7 With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

8. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

9. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

10. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

11. Those that gets too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

12. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

13. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Fractured daffynotions!

1. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

2. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

3. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage,

4. Burglarize: What a crook sees with,

5. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

6. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

7. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

8. Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

9. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

10. Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.

11. Polarize: What penguins see with.

12. Relief: What trees do in the spring.

13. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

14. Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.

Bizet's opera in the Wild West, where the heroine is a chuck wagon cook. The retooled and of course retitled opera is billed as CARMEN GETIT.

Does one buy?

Shrimp in a Prawnshop?
Pigs' feet in a hock shop?
A chafing dish from a dermatologist?
A scarecrow at a shoo store?
A helmet at a hardwear store?
Animated computer images at a gif shop?
Riverfront property at a bank?
Pigeon coops at a coat shop?
A mummy from a chiropractor?
A backrub at a lumbaryard?
A toupee from a locksmith?
A totem pole at a luggage shop?
Wool coats at a ewe's clothing store?
Cartwheels at a gymnasium?
Half-truths at a public lie-barely?
Flags at a pennantentiary?
Winning lottery tickets at the fortune teller window?

In knead of some dough

A thief broke into my home

Intruder window.

First Place in the "Punniest of Show" competition in the 28th Annuual O. Henry Pun-Off World Champions went to FRANCIS MCGRATH for his inventive and rollicking rendition of "STAR WARS THE MUSICAL" He scored the first perfect score since 2000. Here's the complete transcript of "Star Wars: The Musical" (This counts as one of the ten best...)

Obi-Wan, singular sensation, every little step he takes
In olden days a little slave boy could bring balance to the force but
we all know, Anakin Goes
Start the car I know a wookie spot where Qui-Gon Jinn is cold but the
piano's hot and all that jawas
Hello Amidala well hello Amidala
My funny Palpatine
Don't you love the Force, give in to your fears, send in the clones
The people all said Sith down, Sith down you're rocking the boat
Sunrise, Boba Fett, Sunrise, Jango Fett
Don't cry for me R2-D2
C3, P0, Touch Me, Heal Me
Pardon me boy, is this the Chattanooga Chewie Chewie
Lando, a man a scoundrel man
Ray, a beam shot from a gun
Shmi a slave who had a son
Fa, a galaxy fa, fa away
Solo, a smuggler running spice
Leia, a princess who looks nice
Tie, a fighter that shoots twice,
That will bring us back to...
Luke be a lady tonight, Luke be a lady...
Tonight, tonight, tonight there will be no more Death Star, Tonight!

Books that should be published

"Why does Everybody Hate Me?" by Perry Noid

"Caring for your Flower Garden" by Phil and Rhoda Dendron

"Italian Cooking" by Lynne Gweenie

"Hey, Cheer Up!" by Rosie Outlook

"Where Am I?" by Barry D'Alive

"How to Get your House Clean" by Dustin Furniture (with an introduction by Dawn Dishsoap)

"You Got to be Kidding!" by Shirley U. Jest

"This Guy is Nuts" by Lou Scannon

"World's Most Complete Cookbook", by Sally Doyle, Hazel Nutt, Phil Bert, Mac A. Roni, Biff Wellington, Mary Nade, Patty Cake, Patty Melt, Candy Kain, Ginger Root, Reuben Sandwich, Boyle D'Eggs, Artie Choke, Mary Shino, Beau Lonie, and Sal Ommie.

"How to Fix Most Anything" by Stanley Tools, Allen Wrench, Phillip Screwdriver.

"Oh, How I Hate Spiders" by Eric Nafobia.

Do you know why I preserve vegetables and fruits in jars and store them on my basement shelves?  Because I CAN!!!

 MY FAMILY TREE too one.

I came by my confusion about words naturally. I grew up hearing my grandparents speak to me in four languages. These are the stories they told me about my family origins and their philosophies of life.

My English grandfather, Hugh Morris Wird-Pleigh said:
If ONE wants TWO follow the family THREE, it requires some FOURsight. I know. FIVE done it! Though it made me SIX sometimes. Its SEVEN harder than you think, makes you EIGHT your assi-NINE relatives, off-TEN.

My German grandfather was Otto Nobader. He said:
Drink!! I'm not l'EIN. Dats ZWEI DREI ice and cold VIER are my recipe for gut time. Can have funf! Lots of SECHS, SIEBEN. I ACHT-o know. It can be a NEUN to others, but it keeps you ZEHN!
My French/Scottish grandmother, Anne-Marie McQuick told me:
UN(h)! DEUX TROIS to listen! I came on ze ship "Leon d'Afrique," but ze QUATRE CINQ On ze SIX! I was SEPT to begin farming huit. But E-NEUF! I met your grandfather, and DIX is how it EES!
My last grandmother was Spanish royalty. Her name was Leticia Juana Countess Blassings. The countess told me:
I am UNO DOS 'at tres my origins QUATRO far, don't you CINCO? No matter what anyone SEIS, SIETE your sights on OCHO want, an' NUEVE goodbye to bad times. Other people have bad cards? Not you! You hold DIES!

WHY COMPUTERS SOMETIMES CRASH!  in Dr. Seuss style. (Read aloud)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,

And the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your curser finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

And your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,

Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,

That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

‘Cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,

And the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,

Then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,

And then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

(Well, that certainly clears things up for me)

.

From cemeteries around the world. These are taken from real headstones:

• Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903-Died 1942

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the

car was on the way down. It was.

• In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist

All dressed up

And no place to go.

• In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann,

Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann.

Dec. 8, 1767

• In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:

The children of Israel wanted bread,

And the Lord sent them manna.

Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna.

• In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.

Pardon me

For not rising.

• In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas

Instead of the brake.

• In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.

• A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

And that is Strange.

• John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art

In want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep;

And thou wilt find a Penny.

• In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,

Jonathan Fiddle

Went out of tune.

• Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna -

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

• On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod.

Pease shelled out and went to God

• In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I.

As I am now, you soon will be.

Prepare yourself and follow me.

(To which someone replied by writing on the

tombstone:)

To follow you I'll not consent

Until I know which way you went.

At the distillery loading dock, all of the workers speak in verse.

It proves the old adage that rhymes fly when you're heaving rum.

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical yet known to science.  This new element has been tentatively named 'Governmentium.'  Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.  Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.  However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A tiny amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally takes less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay but instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.  This hypocritical quantity is referred to as 'Critical Morass' or 'Critical Mess'.  You will know it when you see it.  When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons."

  If this gift giving time is a knight mare,

Give her an I-POD!

A quote from William Safire; "A word of advice to the putative chief justice: when using a pun in a judicial opinion, do not write "excuse the bad pun." Remember, there are no "bad" puns - all plays on words are good, and the louder the groans they elicit, the better. And never forget; do not insult your audience by calling attention to the coming

wordplay."

February 2006

10 Words That Don't Exist, but Should:

 1. AQUADEXTROUS - adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION - n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

 3. DISCONFECT - v. To sterilize a piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

4. ELBONICS - n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

 5. FRUST - n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

 6. LACTOMANGULATION - n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

 7. PEPPIER - n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

 8. PHONESIA - n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

 9. PUPKUS - n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

 10. TELECRASTINATION - n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down any time soon.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido (v): All talk, no action.
Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

This is by pun-award winning Chris Caillout of our Pharmacy Dean's Office.
If you have ever been annoyed as I have by the big, obnoxious,
civilian version of the U.S. Army's High-Mobility Multi-Purpose
Wheeled Vehicle (HMMPWV, or "Hum-Vee"), the following information
should fill you with glee: Specialists in the field of proctology
have recently noticed an increase in the incidence of patients who
are Hum-Vee owners, due to the vehicle's very tight suspension system
and rock-hard seat cushions, are suffering from what the proctologists have dubbed "hummerhoids."

-from ToteMs (Western Washington Mensa), 1993

YES!!!!!!!!!
One of my favorite poems masterfully spoofed by one of my favorite
subjects!!! I LOVE IT!!!
Best Wishes
Bradley

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing
spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some
more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as
hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I
swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the
night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Pattie Crosbie says, "ARGH!" at this one,

Archaeologists were digging in Norway. They discovered a large statue of

the Norse god Thor. The statue had two large gemstones for eyes. Such a

statue had never before been seen. The two leading archaeologists both

wanted recognition for the find. They began to fight over who made the

discovery. The other archaeologists gathered to watch. Eventually, the

lead archaeologists called a truce. As they walked away, another

archeologist said, "That was clearly a fight for Thor eyes."

BEFORE COMPUTERS

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . .... . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

As always, you are asked to remember that a day without puns is like a day with out sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 27, February 2006

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

!

March 2006

Left over from February, fruit and vegetables.

Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?

You've been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect Pear.

Now, something's sure to Turnip,
To prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let's let our Tulips meet.

Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.

I'll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery,
So be my Valentine.
(Paul Benoit)

Subject: Just Say Cheese

The Netherlands is famous for many historic and cultural 
accomplishments. It is the first nation to have legalized gay 
marriages and marijuana; it is the nation that gave the art world the 
incomparable Rembrandt and Vermeer; it is the nation that produces 
the world's most beautiful tulips. In addition, all gourmets know 
about Holland's great cheeses: Edam and Gouda.

Noted for their mild but unmistakable pungency Edam and Gouda are 
enjoyed in Holland and throughout the world. Of course, in the 
competitive world of marketing, the appearance of a food product is, 
perhaps, as important as its taste. So the Dutch cheese industry was 
not immune to the need to market its cheeses professionally. Most 
cheeses attract buyers through taste and odor, but the color of the 
cheese is also a vital factor. The most exquisite Edams and Goudas 
area dark, creamy yellow; the best are almost a creamy orange. In 
fact, most knowledgeable cheese experts prefer that orange color. 
This orange Gouda became the mainstay of the Dutch cheese industry.

As in America, the Netherlands has experienced an influx of 
immigrants, and many come from Asia. Thought most Asian immigrants to 
Holland come from Indonesia, the former Dutch colony, a large Chinese 
contingent settled in Rotterdam and began producing cheese to take 
advantage of the ideal cheese-producing conditions. The leading 
Chinese cheese-making family was a family called Yung. The Yungs 
produced fine Edam and Gouda, but they could never get their Goudas 
to develop the rich dark orange hue of the finest Dutch goudas. This, 
of course, hurt sales significantly.

Finally, the Young family began adding artificial coloring to their 
cheese to create the desired appearance. Now it has always been 
against Dutch tradition, the cheese manufacturers' art, and the 
agricultural code of ethics to ever add artificial ingredients to 
genuine cheese. Therefore, the traditional Dutch cheese producers 
never did. In the Netherlands today, only the Yung dye Gouda. (Ted 
Brett)

Out of Date, by Alan B. Combs

Dancing, songs, and overtly sexist jokes were the mainstays of a
small troop of vaudevillians of the old school.  They tried to carry
on with their routines into this decade, but lately they found their
work was not much appreciated.  They did not understand why until one
day a woman in the audience stood up and shouted, "You are nothing
but a bunch of male showmanistic pigs."

GROANNNNNNNN.................... Pattie Crosbie asks

DO ELEPHANTS REALLY REMEMBER EVERYTHING?

An elephant was drinking at a watering hole when a turtle approached.

The elephant looked at the turtle for a minute and then gave it a swift

kick. The turtle flew through the air and landed several hundred feet

away.

A zebra standing close by asked, "Why did you kick that turtle?"

"Well," the elephant replied, "That turtle bit my foot 20 years ago.

That was payback."

"How do you know it was the same turtle?"

The elephant looked at the zebra a minute and said, "I have turtle

recall."

People who like gold paint have a gilt complex. Kramer's Korner

I just saw this Oscar nominated film called "CAPOTE."  Some people 
think it's a fictionalized biography but 'm sure it's all true, man.

False doctrine:  A physician whose reputation is not all it's quacked 
up to be. (these past two by the vacationing  Gary Hallock)

Think of this: If Illinois Treasurer Judy Baar Topinka married actor Mandy Patinkin, she'd be Judy Baar Topinka Patinkin!!

1974 vs. 2004

1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair
----------------------------
1974: KEG
2004: EKG
--------------------------------
1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux
---------------------------------
1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm
-------------------------------
1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
--------------------------------
1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage
---------------------------------
1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM
--------------------------------
1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kavorkian
---------------------------------
1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint
-------------------------------
1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones
---------------------------------
1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office
--------------------------------
1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system
---------------------------------

1974: Disco

2004: Costco
--------------------------------
1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
---------------------------------
1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test
---------------------------------
1974: Whatever
2004: Depends

                                               

In Salamanca, Spain, two bakers of different ages participated in a final "Bake-Off" contest. The prizes were cash and an "EL DERA" dough mixer. The result was: The younger won cash and the elder a dough mixer.
Or was it: The younger won cash and the "El DERA" dough mixer?

Olympical---I own one. said Bud 1 Wonsiewicz, Retired Octogenarian

...and as we March towards April, you are asked to remember that a day without puns is like a day with out sunshine, there's gloom for improvement.

Volume 27, March 2006

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

April 2006

Important dates and National Holidays happening this April:

April 1, All Fool's Day,

April 2, Daylight Savings Time begins. (Spring your quartz and electric clocks forward),

April 9, Palm Sunday,

April 13, Holy Thursday (in Mexico)

April 13 - 20 Passover,

April14, Good Friday,

April 16, Easter Sunday,

April 17, Easter Monday,

April 23, Orthodox Easter,

So we devote much of this issue to holy works that are not all plays on words BUT playing with words.......

Church Bulletins:

Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those> things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:

"Break Forth Into Joy."

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music > will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"

Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person> you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from> the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are> invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church> basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please

use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan> last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

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KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.         Amen."

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."     The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"   A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy,

don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:  "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed," but deliver us from E-mail."

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.  Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said," Would you like to say the blessing?"  I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

The following 'Ides of March' weather forecast was on Boston's WBZ Radio and Accuweather.com this morning.

Beware the Ides of March! That warning was dramatic foreshadowing for
Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. Shakespeare's plays may help us decide if we
need to be wary. Earlier this week was As You Like it. It wasn't exactly a
Midsummer Night's Dream, but it was a nice scene when the coldest air left
the stage, right? Now, it's A Winter's Tale. Until later next week, we see
no Tempest brewing. A small storm from the west could bring snow to
Pennsylvania and New Jersey Hamlets tomorrow night and Friday. Measure for Measure, a number of places will get 3-6 inches. The Merchant of Menace will move east from Nebraska, then Romeo past Joliet tomorrow. The idea about snow from the storm track southward: Much Ado About Nothing. In fact, Georgia and The Coriolanus will have mild weather the next few days. However, we could face a Comedy of Errors if we promise it cannot snow again this month in the Middle Atlantic and Northeast states. And while it is not coming the next few nights, we won't have to wait until the 12th Night? Yes, Love's Labours Lost if any new snow looks like it wants to make the scene and we fail to anticipate the unfolding drama. All I can say now is Cassius later for details. Meanwhile, in Philadelphia and New York, Brutus winds will make it feel like it is colder than 36 this afternoon; et tu Celsius. (And Tiff Wimberley answered, "Sounds like this was a snow holds bard weather forecast...a snows by any other name would fell as sleet.)

1: When hiking in Israel, avoid poison oy vay.

 2: Hugh S. Mungus is noted for his large S.

These plays are from Doc Charley, a man who during his wedding ceremony, had puntuals instead of nuptuals.

An Irish waiter named Kenny was noted for his wit and ready answers. 
A party of gentlemen, who were staying at the hotel, heard of Kenny's 
wit, and one of them made a bet that he would say something Kenny 
couldn't answer at once. A bottle of champagne was ordered. The one 
who had made the bet took hold of the bottle and commenced to open 
it. The cork came out with a "bang" and flew in Kenny's mouth. "Ah," 
he said, 'that is not the way to Cork!" Kenny took the cork out of 
his mouth and replied: "No; but it's the way to Kil-Kenny." (Author Unknown)

If cloning should go wrong we might find this on the couch:

Cat hare!

...We close the April Pundit with the admonishment, if we May, to always remember,

a day without puns is like a day with out sunshine. There's gloom for improvement!

Volume 27, April 2006

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

May 2006

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child the first half of a well known proverb. She asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.  It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds.

1. Don't change horses................................until they stop running.

2. Strike while the.......................................bug is close.

3. Its always darkest before........................Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of... ..... termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but.......... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that ......................... looks dirty.

7. No news is..............................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ......................... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new ........... math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ......... stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust........................................ me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ................ pigs.

13. An idle mind is......................................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's................ pollution.

15. Happy the bride who............................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is.............. ................... not much.

17. Two's company, three's ....................... the Musketeers

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what......... you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ......you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as ............... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not........ spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed .............. get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ....... see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind ........... get out of the way.

25. Better late than.....................................pregnant.

Celia Miller Team Leader, Team 7D; Teacher, 7th Grade Mathematics

Lincoln Middle School, Rio Rancho, NM

The difference between administrations. Bush can't control his generals, whereas Clinton could never control his privates. (Jay Leno)

 French gendarmes don't use yellow crime scene tape. They prefer cordon
bleu!

Subject:  If you love literature... YOU'LL CHOKE ON THESE.

This year's 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, aka "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that
vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER WAS...
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept alongthe greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"

GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS

• "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop "
• A modest little person, with much to be modest about." --- Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)
• "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --- Irvin S. Cobb
• "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow "
• He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
  --William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
• "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."--- Samuel Johnson
  "He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr
• "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --- Groucho Marx
• "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
  --- Thomas Brackett Reed
• "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker "
• I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --- Mark Twain
• "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae West
• "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --- Oscar Wilde
• "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder

After his harem gorged themselves in a field laden with bean sprouts, the stag was startled by the sound of breaking windows.   (Bud 1 Wonsiewicz)

To spores of the plants I've befallen.
My eyes itch and water; it's gallin'.
     I'm wheezin' and sneezin'
     In hay fever season.
It's dreadful; in fact, it's apollen. (Kirk Miller)

From Patricia Crosbie

Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard his bus, driving to a

concert, when they have a flat tire. The mechanic hurriedly replaces

the tire, but he neglects to double-check the lug nuts. Later, as the

bus rounds a curve on a mountain road, the wheel comes off. The bus

plunges down the mountainside. Everybody is killed, except for a young

roadie. A reporter asks the kid if Kenny Rogers had any last words.

"Yes," said the roadie. "As the bus went over the edge, I heard Mr.

Rogers singing, 'You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel!'"

An entomologist was up for tenure at his university. But he had had

nothing accepted for publication in several years. He knew this would

be a problem. One day, depressed and working in his garden, he

discovered his roses were dying. They were infested by an insect. He

recognized the bug as one that infested animals, not plants. Excitedly,

he took specimens to his lab, where he studied them. Soon, he had

written an article. It was accepted for publication, and made a huge

splash. The entomologist got tenure. All this, because he discovered

a new lice on leaf.

Psychiatrist Therapy Turns Back Clock (Even though we turn it ahead this month)

Psychiatrist: "Finally, I am very pleased to tell you that after ten years of therapy, you are cured."
Patient: "I'm not very happy about that."
Psychiatrist: "Why not?"
Patient: "Well, ten years ago I was Napoleon Bonaparte and now I'm nobody."

So, as we enter May may we admonish you as always, to remember,

a day without puns is like a day with out sunshine. There's gloom for improvement!

Volume 27, May 2006

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

P.S. The PUN-OFF will take place May 20, 2006 in Austin TX. And we will bring you the results of the championships as soon as they become available.

JUNE 2006

Here are the results from the 29th Annual O.Henry Pun-Off World Championships held in Austin, TX on Saturday, May 20, 2006.

Cynthia MacGregor - Punster of the Year 2005

"Why am I Punster of the Ear?" asked Cynthia MacGregor when told she was being honored. We think she should treat her ears to some furniture polish...the one that promises to take care of waxy buildup. The wages of Cyn may be low, but her enthusiasm runs high...and so does her punnery. Ask her long-suffering friends, who have to listen to her spout a plethora of paranomasia on frequent occasions. (Frequent is what the pregnant mom got when she delivered five babies but was charged for only four of them.) Cyn is a regular attendee at the Pun-Off, flying in from Florida to take part in the fun. She is PUNY's Loopmistress-fittingly enough, since Cyn has often been accused of being loopy-running the weekly Loop wordgames for several years now. And she is the creator of Sockrates, who shared the stage with Cyn her first year at the Pun-Off. ("One good thing about working with a sock puppet," Cyn says: "He'll never step on my lines.") Though she's no dog star, Cyn can occasionally get Sirius...like when she's talking about her 52 published books. (More are forthcoming.) Want to know more? Visit her Website at www.cynthiamacgregor.com.

PUNNIEST OF SHOW
First Place in P.O.S. went to Eirik Ott who scored a very rare 40 outof a possible 40 points with the judge, delivering a devastating rap-sung routine incorporating names of famous...uh...um...er...see the transcript to figure that out for sure.

Second place was awarded (by applause) to returning former champ, Jim Ertner, of Boston MA. for yet another in his inventive series of  alphabetical compilations. Jim also scored an apparently not-so-rare
40 out of a possible 40 points. (Happy birthday, Jim.)

Third place was also determined by a tie-breaking audience clap-off between two contestants both earning 39 points. Upstart first-timer, Lloyd Dissmore of Kenosha, WI walked off with that prize by barely besting the bedazzling Denise Hazelwood of Buda, TX dressed as "Queen of denial."

HIGH-LIES & LOW-PUNS

After working his way through several grueling heats, veteran competitor and multi-medal holder, David Gugenheim prevailed in a heated 3 way final battle claiming his first 1st place trophy as the
threesome tackled the topic of "FLOWERS." Andy Balinsky and Arthur Simone claimed second and place respectively.

mmMVP AWARD

Although Valerie Ward didn't survive past her first round of HL/LP action, her witty and rapid retorts in battle with the eventual champ endeared her to her fellow contestants who gave her high marks for holding her own on the topic of food & cooking." She went home with the coveted trophy and the admiration of many.

Corngratulations to all contestants and participants. The event was well attended and the weather was most cooperative.

The date for next year's O.HENRY PUN-OFF has been set for May 19, 2007 at the O.Henry Museum

Winner, Punniest of Show

AURAL SEX - by Eirik Ott

The graffiti on the PLATHroom wall was simple:

"For hot one-on-one word play, call 1-800-WORDCORE.
And so I call, and she answers, and she jumps right into it.
She says, "Are you ready for some aural sex?"
And I say, "Oh, yes!"
And she says, "What are you drinking?"
And I say, "A tall tequila mockingbird, what are you drinking?"
And she said, "A nice vodka milkSHAKESPEARE. You sound so buff...  have you been working out? I can tell you have tight vocabs. I'll bet  you have a huge dic-tionary."
And I said, "Oh yes, indeed, it's the Oxford English Language  Dictionary. 151 pounds of pure...definition."
And she said, "I want you to give me multiples right now!"
So, I purred, "Onomatopaea!"
And cried, "More! More!"
So, I moaned, "Supracalifragilisticespialidocious!"
And she said, "Don't fake it. Give it to me RILKE."
So, I whispered, "Antidisestablishmentarianism..."
And she screamed, "Affirmative! Affirmative! I want you to rap for  me! Now!"
And I said, "What? Rap? I can't rap!"
And she said, "But rappers are SO sexy!"
And I said, "I can't rap! I was a Lit Major!"
And she said, "Oh, go PLATH yourself! I know you've got a superior  WHIT, MAN, so just pull out your DICKENSON and start KEROUACKing now!"
So, I said:
"Uhm... Yo...My words are warm wool slippers, put your poor, cold feets in they'll lock you up like Alexander Solzenitzen! I'm cooking up lyrics like I was a chef, see?
I'll give you Rhymes and Punishment like Dostoyevski! Before you step to me, you better back the heck off,'cuz I've got more plays that Anton Chekov!"

She said, "You need to slow down, why you be Russian? By the way, you 
sound a little gay... Are you a homophone?"
And it was then that I realized this wasn't really working for me. We  were just two relationships passing wind in the night, crashing into  the same GINSBURG.

Here now is Jim Ertner's 40 point routine: Second place was awarded (by applause) Jim also scored an apparently not-so-rare 40 out of a possible 40 points. (Happy birthday, Jim.)

Since Richard Lederer and I now have a new book out (titled THE GIANT BOOK OF ANIMAL JOKES), I thought it would be appropriate to present:

Second place winner, Punniest of Show  (by clap off)

AN ALPHABETICAL PRIMER ON ANIMAL PUNS, WITH  COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ANIMALS.
I will not cast ASPersion on my previous performance, but I will BUCK 
the trend of not using the same theme. I just hope it doesn't become 
a CATastrophe and I start DRAGON my feet. And I hope no one will feel 
any EEL will towards me, as I just want to have a lot of FAWN. In 
fact, I'll GOAT to any length to keep these animal puns going forever 
and HEIFER. I'll tow the line and try not to give up an INCHworm, as 
I dig for more animal puns. If I have to search for animal puns at 
night, I'll use a JACKAL lantern. My goal, as always, is to keep up 
the KOALAty of these animal puns. If I can offer any tips to anyone, 
just LEMUR know. If you're not sure, merely MULLET over for a while. 
But don't be bashful; because, in this case, no news is bad NEWTs. If 
I'm ever in your neighborhood, I'll stop by for a visit if OPOSSUM by 
your house. And I'll drive carefully, since I don't want to be 
accident PRAWN. If I come, I promise not to QUAHOG the conversation. 
You must think I'm a RAVEN lunatic to keep up this SHRIMPly awful 
animal punning, when in fact it actually makes me THRUSHed with 
delight and URCHIN to tell even more. So, are you VIXEN to invite me 
over? If so, I think WEEVIL have a good time. We could sit around and 
talk about the death of some skate and ray fish, commonly know as X-
RAYS. Or we could dress up, go out, and YAK it up. Finally though, if 
a female is invited, she should be sure to wear (as the French say) 
ZE BRA.

On with the PUNDIT!!

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't magine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Cooper Bell tinkers with words and sends these:

There was once an eccentric aesthetic that lived on the coast of France.   Truly he was not pure for he had one vice, which was the dragging of boats into harbor.  One of his frequent boat dragging episodes ended savagely when the weather turned nasty, leaving him and the boat sprawled on the deck of a ship house.  Ever since he was called the poor-man-tow.  (portmanteau) 

Off the coast of china there is a little known island whose inhabitants are all insects. By some bizarre occurrence they were all squished by a giant foot. These were the  Crushedasians.

What do you call someone who videotapes sexual wordplay? A punographer

What do you call the equations that were used to program the internet?  Al Gore Rhythms.

Mr. and Mrs. Ott had a little girl. They named her Charity.  Mr. Ott built a swing set in the back yard for her.  This was a constant worry for Mrs. Ott, who feared Chary might fall off.  Sure enough, one day she looked out her kitchen window and saw the little girl swinging like she wanted to reach the sky.  Mrs. Ott rushed outside and pleaded with her daughter: 

"Swing low, sweet Chary Ott."

Ken Kramer was itching to tell us this:

Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks -- it's all lice.

Aaron Arehart submits this pun and he says, "My friends give me hell quite often for making puns. Problem is I can't just turn off my punny ability like a light switch, its spontaneous... Call it a gift of frankincense and mirth. 

Call me a poet

Gifted with rhyme, for all thyme 

Or perhaps a sage?

The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow

your house down." And he did!!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

 A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living

s--t out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf . Then they got back into their shiny big black Caddy and drove off. 

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs.     (From Patricia Crosbie)_

A boy received a pet mouse for Christmas. He took the mouse with him everywhere. When his grandfather died, he attended the funeral. Of course, he took his mouse. When he got home from the funeral, he realized the mouse was gone. He returned to the funeral home, but he could not find the mouse. The moral of this sad story: Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2005  (smart ass answers are defined as words of windom)

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

*****************

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,

"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

 *******************

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for

speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

*******************

Smart Ass Answer #2:

 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

 The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 *******************

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005..

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

OBEYING MY SIGNS.....

• I got in trouble at work the other day.  I got on the elevator and there was a sign that said, "Wet floor", so I did.
• My husband doesn't like taking me shopping anymore because I get in trouble in certain sections of the store, such as "pet supplies", "throw pillows", "scatter rugs", and the worst one of all, "shag carpeting".
• One day we were driving and I saw a sign I was not sure how to obey.  It said "Ogle County".  I just stared.
• Speaking of staring, One day while driving, I almost had an accident because I couldn't take my eyes off a little blue Ford in front of me that said "Focus". 
• Back at work, I got in trouble one other time because a bag of rolls was all crushed.  I said I couldn't help it.  It said "club rolls".  So I did.
• But the thing that worries me is at work, in the elevator there is a button that I hope nobody pushes.  It says "Alarm Bell".  by Pamela Bell

With that we sign OFF and again admonish you to always remember,

A day without puns is like a day with out sunshine. There's gloom for improvement!

Volume 27, June 2006

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

July 2006

Daffynitions, again!

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

14. PHARMACIST: a helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions

to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words, and the winners are:

  1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

  2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

  3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

  4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

  5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.

  6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly

     answer the door in your nightgown.

  7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

  8. Gargoyle (n) olive-flavored mouthwash.

  9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are

    run over by a steamroller.

 10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

 11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam

 12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

 13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

 14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when                       you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

  16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The security guard got a radio call to come break up a disturbance
in the local music store.  He made his way through the circle of
onlookers to find two men, neither of whom looked like much of a
fighter, circling and throwing the occasional ineffective punch as
they argued.

The guard pushed the two "fighters" apart and asked what the fight
was about.  Naturally, they both started talking at once, and the
guard shushed them and asked the store clerk what he knew about the
situation.

"Well," the clerk said, "it began with a discussion of bicyles owned
by the Gershwin brothers.  I never knew this, but these guys both
seemed to know that both Gershwins had special souped-up bicycles
and were pretty competitive about which one was the best.  George
had a Schwinn, one made for a girl, that he'd modified somehow to
make it go really fast.  And Ira had some other kind, a working-type
bicycle that had been built to deliver small loads of coal house to
house."

The security guard looked incredulously at the two men who had
caused the disturbance, now looking pretty chagrined at how much
trouble they had created.  "All this was about bicycles owned by
musicians?" the guard asked, finding it hard to believe.

The clerk insisted, "Yes, they came to blows because they couldn't
agree on which was more powerful:  George's girl's Schwinn, or the
coal porter."

(June 9 is Cole Porter's birthday) Dana DeVos from San Marcos

I would like to tell you about an incident in which I was involved, sort of, way back in the early 50's in Winnipeg.

We had just completed a very successful opening night of The Student Prince. There were a LOT of ‘broken legs', I'll tell you! 

As you may know, there are several rousing drinking scene of students at an inn. Now, being on stage, it was more prudent to have ‘props' that just ‘looked' like foaming tankards of ale. All we ‘imbibed' was an illusion. Honest. In that era peanut butter was sold in glass jars with handles, a la beer steins. Our props, sadly, were these jars lined with yellow cellophane with cotton wool pasted on top.. Perhaps it was our rowdy singing, the ‘dry' stage, or just wishful thinking, but our throats became very dry!

However, the show ended, and I think a record was set in getting out of costume, cleaning off the grease paint, and out!

Several of my friends and I decided to go for a ‘stroll' and visit Pubs on the way home. It wasn't soon before we started to sing excerpts from the show, particularly the rousing drinking songs, in the Pubs. This was greatly appreciated by the patrons, as shown the by generous libations handed out!

It took us a while to reach Winnipeg's Portage Avenue at Main Street. It was getting quite late, and we had accumulated a lot of operetta Groupies who joined us in the songs.

That was when a Constable apprehended us for being somewhat drunk and disorderly. He was considering calling for the Paddy Wagon when I approached him.  "Ossifer" I said, "we are in no way drunk, nor disorderly. No sir, not one bit. We have just ended a very successful opening night  of the Student Prince at The Play House Theatre. We really are not drunk and disorderly at all. We are merely Syncopating."     

"Syncopating"? What is "Syncopating"? Just what is that? You sure sound drunk and disorderly to me."

"No, Constable, it definitely is "Syncopating".

"Well, what exactly is "Syncopating"?

"Constable, Syncopating is a musical term used to describe the uneven movement from bar to bar" said I. "We are just practising our music. Yes Constable, we were definitely "Syncopating. Yes Sir! Syncopating".

The Constable laughed and said, "Well, no more "Syncopating". Just go on home. It is getting late."

That was really an enjoyable evening! Have a Great day! David A. Garson

MyrnaMillman  Subject: Fw: Famous Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I state d this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher . -- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.  -- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

  -- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... But it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

  -- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

  -- W.C. Fields

 We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers

 Don't worry about avoiding temptation . As you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal

and again we ask you to always remember,

A day without puns is like a day with out sunshine. There's gloom for improvement!

Volume 27, July 2006

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

August Pundit

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,

then what is baby oil made  from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham

Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from

town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy

tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags

short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I

will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages

saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath

the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made

by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the

drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham

sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his

tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And

the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take o camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the

deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were

going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up

every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums

that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over

by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be

known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

 A Doctor a Day (writings and wrongings, too) 

1.  A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in

the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.  Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.  Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I hear her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Dr. Susan Steinber.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.  "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.  Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long

have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6.  I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed

that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo

that read, "Keep off the grass". Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn". RN no name

8. AND FINALLY!!!...............As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Polyglot chuckles from Patricia Crosbie. (It seems Patty has a punchant for foreign frases and is wordy of playful translations.)

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS: Can you drive a French motorcycle?

EX POST FUCTO: Lost in the mail.

VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

COGITO EGGO SUM: I think; therefore I waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you're Scottish.

QUE SERA SERF: Life is feudal.

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead. No kidding.

PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown.

MONAGE A TROIS: I am three years old.

FELIX NAVIDAD: Our cat has a boat.

HASTE CUISINE: Fast French food.

VENI, VIDI, VICE: I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO: Fast retort.

ALOHA OY: Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never

know.

VISA LA FRANCE: Don't leave your chateau without it.

AMICUS PURIAE: Platonic friend.

L'ETAT, C'EST MOO: I'm bossy around here.

COGITO, ERGO SPUD: I think, therefore I yam

VENI, VIDI, VELCRO: I came, I saw, I stuck around

ICH BIT EIN BERLINER: He deserved it.

ZITGEIST: The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.

E PLURIBUS ANUM: Out of any group, there's always one asshole.

A Redneck farmer first used a duck as an alarm clock - it woke him up at the quack of dawn.

Before John Campbell invented lubricating oil, he was just squeaking by.

Cavewoman's first words to her husband: "Don't just stand there - slay something!"

Dental floss was invented in 1938 - that's the tooth!

In 1640 the first calendar was produced - everyone knew its days were numbered.

The first boat show had a yacht to offer.

The first telephone conversation was only eighteen feet apart - it was a close call.

Waldo Graham holds the patent for artificial teeth - they were known as Graham clackers.

When margarine was invented, people said it was butter than nothing.

New Words playing in 2006

TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SITCOMS:. Single Income, Two Children, And Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a home business.

SINBAD: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often

profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to

solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless

paperwork and processes.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

AEROPLANE BLONDE:. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT: The invisible, but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of

drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the

toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS:. Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please".

GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonder bra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:

"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

...always remember that "A day without puns is like a day with out sunshine. There's gloom for improvement!"

Volume 27, August  2006

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

September 2006

Food for thought. The official cheese for this month is the Evening Bries!

☺☺☺

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examinations
in Swindon Wiltshire. These are genuine responses (from 16 year olds).

Sent to the Pundit for submission from Spain. (...member Frank Spain, that is!)

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

☺☺☺

History of the Middle Finger

Well, now...here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking " the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." Some say

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

☺☺☺

SO, now, you think you know everything?

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or

purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are

you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never

stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every

letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read

left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":

tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous (You're not doubting this,

are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in

order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on

one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back

of the $5 bill

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. (but who really cares?)

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds (Some days that's about what

my memory span is)

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this

too.)

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches

2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would

never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an

average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building

is an American flag.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that

it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a

chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise

it will digest itself.

.........and now you know everything!

☺☺☺

I reached into my back pocket for a chaw of tobacco and discovered my
can was missing. I suppose it's possible I lost the dang thing but I
couldn't help suspecting I'd been the victim of some kind of Skoal  duggery.
That bimbo is such a poor poker player I could probably beat her
blonde folded.
After serving faithfully for 30 years at his Fort Knox guard post,
Albert finally reached the mandatory retirement age. What did they
give him? A gold watch.
The buff young fellow in the tank top timidly ascended the steps and
stood in the entrance of her tattoo parlor. The jaw of the proprietress dropped at the sight of those fleshy virginal biceps as they rippled at the top of her blank stairs. "Don't be shy, honey," she cajoled him. "You look like you may needle little time to ink it over."

Although she'd sworn never to let any man get under her skin, it was clear from the start that she had designs on this guy. (By Gary Hallock, Executing Director.)

...always remember that "A day without puns is like a day with out sunshine. There's gloom for improvement!"

Volume 27, September 2006

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock, Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert 

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and/or visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

October Pundit

The 05/28/06 "Frank & Ernest" comic strip by 1990 Punster of the Year, Bob Thaves, Here it is for those of you who missed it:

LOOK! UP IN THE SKY! IT'S ABSURD! IT'S INANE! IT'S MALAPROP MAN!:

THE WORLD TRAMPLER:
"Malaprop Man! Where have you been?"
"I needed some R&R, so I took a VOCATION. I TRAVAILED around the world. It was quite SIMILATING! I saw kangaroos in the AUSTRIAN OUTBACK and whales in the SPECIFIC OCEAN!"
"I heard SWICH mountain climbers YODA atop the ALFS, climbed the Egyptian PYRENEES and I walked along the Great MALL of China."
"Was this set up by a travel agent?"
"Nope - they're all my own DERANGEMENTS."
"I don't doubt it for a second M-Man."
(Frank & Ernest BY Bob Thaves)

When asked if he was a habitual drinker of the grape, the man lied and said, "Why, no".  (Toasted Richard Stoney)

☺☺☺

Once upun a time, when seals had tremendous political clout, Diane Feinstein was running for Governor. An opposing candidate had a nightmare in which he lost the election, thanks to the convincing campaigning of some savvy seals. When the loser awoke, he saw a seal seated by his windowsill and sang out to it: "You picked a Feinstein to lead me, you seal!" (Jim Ertner)

Here are a few things to think about, punderables, that you probably have never thought about; but worth pundering!

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

☺☺☺

After many years of marriage, Mr. Potato Head looked back and saw how he
grown to be silently obedient to all of Mrs. Potato Head's demands. "Alas"
he cried, looking her in the eyes, "I am a whipped potato."  Phil Bouldry Jr.

☺☺☺

GRADY HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS From: Glenn C. 

1.       The patient refused autopsy.

2.       The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3.       Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4.       She has not rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she

was very hot in bed last night.

5.       Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6.       On the second day the knee was better, on the third day it

disappeared.

7.       The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears

to be depressed.

8.       The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in

1993.

9.       Discharge status:  Alive but without permission.

10.     Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but

forgetful.

11.     Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12.     She is numb from her toes down.

13.     While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14.     The skin was moist and dry.

15.     Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16.     Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17.     Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (ouch!!!)

18.     She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,

until she got a divorce.

19.     I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for

physical therapy.

20.     Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21.     Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22.     The lab test indicates abnormal lover function.

"Marsha Coleman" Subject: Sniglets

Alfred Hitchcooking - the act of stabbing the frozen peas to get them 
to cook faster

An udder failure - a cow that doesn't give milk

Bawlroom - a hospital nursery

Bruise Lee - an inept martial-arts student

Chirpes - a canarial disease, no tweetment

Cinemuck - popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie 
theaters

Fobia - the fear of misspelled words

Genderplex - trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which 
restroom to use

Giraffiti - vandalous spray-painting really high up

Lullabouy - an idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents 
you from drifting off to sleep

Mallennium - a thousand years of shopping

Planned Parrothood - charitable foundation whose purpose is domestic 
breeding of macaws and cockatoos

Sarchasm - the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the 
recipient who doesn't get it

Snackmosphere - the 95% air inside bags of potato chips

Snack Trek - the peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of 
constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new 
will have materialized

Weelief - the feeling one gets upon spotting a rest stop on the 
interstate.

☺☺☺

    As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

    1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." 

     2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 

     3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 

     4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 

     5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 

     6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.  

     7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 

     8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 

     9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

     10.  A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." 

     11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 

     12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.  I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will.  He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite." 

     13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

...so, as we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

☺☺☺

Headlines from the year 2029:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh

largest country in the world, Mexifornia. White minorities still trying

to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and

livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of

the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and

Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10

more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported

legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces

mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight

loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter

speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil

rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly

swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political

contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

☺☺☺

...always remember that "A day without puns is like a day with out sunshine. There's gloom for improvement!"

Volume 27, October 2006

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert 

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and/or visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

November 2006

Tricked or treated, we're into November.

Earthquake Research Society: "The meeting's over already?" "Yup -- It 
was called to order at 8:00 and adjourned at 8:02 by a motion from 
the floor." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

"Did you pick a major yet?" "I'm doing a double major in art and 
logic. I want to draw my own conclusions." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

The writers at THE WALL STREET JOURNAL are not all straitlaced and 
staunchly serious -- at least not the crossword guy, as evidenced by 
the following clues and answers from last Friday's puzzle titled 
"Business Associates." from Jim Ertner

Business for fair-haired investors: Stocks and blonds
Business for thrifty carpenters: Shavings and loan
Business for successful perfumeries: Dollars and scents
Business for aggressive job seekers: Apply and demand
Business for successful lipstick makers: Profit and gloss
Business for diva Mariah: Cash and Carey
Business for nervous dairymen: Mooers and shakers
Business for gourmets who complain a lot: Whine and dine

An Israeli recently arrives at London's Heathrow airport. As he fills out a form, the customs officer asks him: "Occupation?"

The Israeli promptly replies: "No, just visiting!"

No one expects to telephone for free
Yet each time my phone bill I see
It sure makes me mad
For each surcharge they add
Seems like "fee call matter" to me
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

Noren Eron, the great Norse comic decided to bring his act to 
America. He booked several shows in the northern states and did well. 
He then took his act down south, but he realized that the farther 
south he went, the less the crowd appreciated his act which had the 
poor guy miffed. When he got to the Deep South, no one got his act at 
all. After many disappointing sets, he just quit one night and 
returned to Norway. This goes to show you, you should never book a 
miffed Norse in the south.

Through the Eyes of a Child an out of the mouths of babes:

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a  Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark  naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the  back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom  to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it  out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment,  then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and  said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then,  'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his  teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by  this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out  of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her  4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy,"   the child said to her mother Then she added, "Mommy can't come to

 the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself in  the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into  shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched  in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a  little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers  lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my  afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,  walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I  found her staring at  pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced  myself for the inevitable e barrage of questions, she merely turned  and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a  party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you  shouldn't wear that suit" "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives  you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of  school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I  can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was  fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of  the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old  leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I  found", the boy called out" What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment
 in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's under wear.

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of

kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat

of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the

dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No,

said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument

to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire

hydrant."

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,

"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The

grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's

interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied

the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"

said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder

pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know

what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It

means carrying a child."

...always remember that "A day without puns is like a day with out sunshine. There's gloom for improvement!"

Volume 27, November 2006

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation. It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Director of Execution: Gary Hallock,

Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert 

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and/or visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

December 2006

Festive sing-a long songs to be sung at hospitals for the mentally ill.

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

KIDS IN CHURCH:  Three-year-old, Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in  heaven, Harold is His name.  Amen." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
A little boy was overheard praying: 
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.  
I'm having a real good time like I am." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
After the christening of his baby brother in church, 
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. 
His father asked him three times what was wrong. 
Finally, the boy replied,  "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a 
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.  She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.  I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: 
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets 
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." 
"Why?  Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. 
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?  They're hushers." 

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel in the following flavors:

Wailing Wallnut

Moishemellow

Mazel Toffee

Chazalnut

Oy Ge-malt

Mi Ka-mocha

Bernard Malamint

Berry Pr'i Hagafen

Choc-Eilat ChipSimchas

Flavors are available in a Cohen.

Fifty Rules for Writing Good, by Dr. Richard Lederer (POTY 1989)
1. Each pronoun should agree with their antecedent.
2. Between you and I, pronoun case is important.
3. A writer must be sure to avoid using sexist pronouns in his writing.
4. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
5. Don't be a person whom people realize confuses who and whom.
6. Never use no double negatives.
7. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. That is something up with which your readers will not put.
8. When writing, participles must not be dangled.
9. Be careful to never, under any circumstances, split infinitives.
10. Hopefully, you won't float your adverbs.
11. A writer must not shift your point of view.
12. Lay down and die before using a transitive verb without an object.
13. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
14. The passive voice should be avoided.
15. About sentence fragments.
16. Don't verb nouns.
17. In letters themes reports and ad copy use commas to separate items in a series.
18. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
19. "Don't overuse 'quotation marks.'"
20. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (if the truth be told) superfluous.
21. Contractions won't, don't, and can't help your writing voice.
22. Don't write run-on sentences they are hard to read.
23. Don't forget to use end punctuation
24. Its important to use apostrophe's in the right places.
25. Don't abbrev.
26. Don't overuse exclamation marks! ! !
27. Resist Unnecessary Capitalization.
28. Avoid mispellings.
29. Check to see if you any words out.
30. One-word sentences? Never.
31. Avoid annoying, affected, and awkward alliteration, always.
32. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
33. The bottom line is to bag trendy locutions that sound flaky.
34. By observing the distinctions between adjectives and adverbs, you will treat your readers real good.
35. Parallel structure will help you in writing more effective sentences and to express yourself more gracefully.
36. In my own personal opinion at this point of time, I think that authors, when they are writing, should not get into the habit of  making use of too many unnecessary words that they don't really need.
37. Foreign words and phrases are the reader's bete noire and are not apropos.
38. Who needs rhetorical questions?
39. Always go in search for the correct idiom.
40. Do not cast statements in the negative form.
41. And don't start sentences with conjunctions.
42. Avoid mixed metaphors. They will kindle a flood of confusion in your readers.
43. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
44. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
45. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
46. Be more or less specific.
47. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement, which is always best.
48. Never use a big word when you can utilize a diminutive word.
49. Profanity sucks.
50. Last but not least, even if you have to bend over backward, avoid clichés like the plague.

We are going to announce the '10 Best Stressed Puns of 2006' at the start of 2007.

Please send in your choices for the 10 Best... We close this issue of the Pundit and wish you happy holidays and remind you that

A DAY WITHOUT PUNS IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE, THERE'S GLOOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

Volume 27, December 2006

The Pundit is the official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation.

It is published for the enjoyment and inspiration of its members and is free for the asking.

Executing Director: Gary Hallock, Chairman of the Bored: Norman Gilbert

Email to punpunpun@rogers.com, and visit us on the web at www.punpunpun.com