| Inside YES TODAY'S FUN |
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YES TODAY'S PUN
JULY 26,2010
This just in: Dr. Phil has suggested that Al Gore, along with the three masseuses who claim he sexually harassed them, need to get together for some grope therapy. (RJ Currie)
JULY 20, 2010
There's a history of cross-over artists in many musical genres. Even George
Gershwin occasionally strayed into other markets. In fact he sometimes mixed it
up quite a bit, as he did in one of his most famous albums, "Rap CD & Blues."
Gary Hallock
June 29th, 2010
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option" |
Bobbie Oliver and Mary Bashara told this story about pigs escaping the new Arizona laws. at the 2010 O. Henry Pun-Off World Championship Punniest of Show competition.
Their routine can be watched at:
Refugee Pigs--Just Tellin our Tail
Folks, we're refugee pigs from Arizona here to tell our TAIL. Life was SWILL, but things changed.
First, "PIG LATIN" was outlawed in the schools. Then, the profiling of livestock -ANIMALS OF COLOR -what a PORCINE (poor sign).
We left. Went to the coast - (BAY OF PIGS), New York- too many STYscrapers. SOWdi Arabia? Too hot. We're talking PORK ROAST.
Tried BUSKING - PIGGIN' and GRINNIN'. Hung out w/some hollywood big shots - PJORK and HULK HOGGIN. Were homeless for a while- sleeping outside - PIGS IN A BLANKET. Got arrested, but they let us go - no HABEUS PORKUS. We LOINED the hard way. Thank goodness, Mary won the lottery - tHE PIG THREE.
We're DISGRUNTLED pigs at a PORK IN THE ROAD. It's SNOUT or never. So we say: be proud of your PIGMENTATION. Remember those great Americans, George HOGWASHinton, BABERAHAM Lincoln, and ..Miss PIGGY.
We ask the Governor of Texas,(a real PIG SHOT), to grant us sanctuary. (Our e-mails kept going to his SPAM account. ) Get out your PIG PEN and help us ROOT OUT discrimination.
Hey, we have TO FLY. Somebody SQUEALED on us and the cops are coming. You'd think they'd extend a little PROFESSIONAL COURTESY. Remember, afterwards we'll have refreshments. Mary's BACON a cake, w/ HOGGIN DAZ ice cream. Hate to TROTTER OUT so many bad puns, but, after all, WEEEEE don't wanna be a lAUGHING STOCK!
(©2010 Bobbie Oliver and Mary Bashara)
June 3, 2010
June 1, 2010
Kirk Miller entertained the assemby at the Punniest of Show competition at the 2010 O. Henry Pun-Off World Championship with this anecdote about his sister, the teacher.
Kirk's routine can be seen at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksOjDXO6d0o&feature=PlayList&p=6759EDE125E44BAE&playnext_from=PL&index=33
Teaching Woes
After teaching school for 33 years, my sister is retiring next week. So Debbie, this is for you.
When my sister started teaching, she had a rough time. The school's head administrator was terrible. It wasn't school that she disliked, it was the PRINCIPAL of the thing.
The building entrance door was made of steel because it was a school of HARD KNOCKS.
Her students were so wild and unruly that she couldn't see straight; she got in trouble because her PUPILS were out of control.
Debbie dated a science teacher, but they broke up because there was no CHEMISTRY between them.
An English teacher got fired, and suffered from post-GRAMMATIC stress disorder.
When Debbie took class attendance, she was ABSENT-minded. One student was absent because he skipped school to go bungee jumping, and he got SUSPENDED. Another kid was absent part of the day; he limped into class with a LAME excuse for being late.
Debbie used her index finger to ask POINTED questions. When she asked an easy question, her students were all UP IN ARMS.
On one test, the questions were way too hard. Nobody flunked, but they all scored below a C. It was a D-GRADING experience for Debbie, and it did TEACHER a good LESSON.
So before the next music test, she told the kids to study their NOTES.
Debbie has five more days in the classroom. But old teachers never retire; they just lose their CLASS, get deGRADEd, become deTESTed, get deCLASSified, wipe the SLATE clean, and finally . .. just GRADE away. --
(©Kirk Miller, May 22, 2010)
May 28, 2010
Go here to see the economy of puns, alas and Hallock:http://www.economist.com/world/united-states/displaystory.cfm?story_id=16219373
Daffynitions od "OLD"
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
This is in large type so you can read it)
May 27, 2010
Andy Balinski spoofed the current oil spillin his 2010 Punniest of Show presentation at the O. Henry Pun-Off World Championship in Austin this eek. Dressed with an oil well as a hat, his presentation tied for second on the votes of the six judges but did not receive a medal after an audience clap-off.
His presentation can be watched at :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89LoAxKJpZM
Here is the transcript of his routine:
Oil Be Damned
My name is DERRICK, and I'm an ETHANOLIC. (Hi Derrick). I'd LEAK to take a FUME minutes on this PLATFORM. I'm in my BLACK GOLD REFINERY because my GALLON I were CONOCO and TOP OFF at a TEXAS TEA Party. ETHYL had BARRELY put on her DIPSTICK and her PUMPS when my MOBIL FLOWING rang. So OPEC'ed it up.
It was my EXXON the line. I was in a TRANS-OCEAN-ever calls. CHEVRON me off for giving her GULF. That and the fake DIAMOND SHAM ROCK. She's no FUEL. No TANKS. I thought, DIESEL be no REGULAR DRILL, baby. SHELL BP... O'd, but I'm not LOUISIANA sleep.
So, VAL, DEZ ex of mine, said LUBE better CIT. " "GO on, " I said, "but FOSSIL get my PENNZ. OIL take notes. " She said, "TAR's been an OCCIDENTAL BOOM! in the GULF OF TEXACO. The fish were blown CLEANUP. The CRUDE has BENZEEIN' dead HALLIBURTON the beach with their PARAFFINS up. " I said "OIL be damned! How bad GANNET be? I can't STANDARD OIL this bad news. It's a hard SPILL to swallow. I GUSH I'm ESSO L. "
Well, I called my SLICK lawyer, FILL-UP. You see, PHILLIP'S 66. He said "I'm PETROL-fied. It's RIGged. I gas we ARCO-ing to QUART. We haven't a COAST of a chance. "
OFFSHORE had an EXHAUSTing week. GREASY does it. (© 2010 Andrew Balinsky)
May 26, 2010
Go to "Pun-Off 2010" for complete results of the PUN-OFF 2010.
... and here for your scrolling fix is a site for psoriasis, that is you may skim the tube.
MAY 13, 2010
The Pharaoh of Egypt was quite devastated when his monument collapsed while it was under construction. Fortunately he was in good company. It's good to have a peer amid the rubble when the Cheops are down.
Gary Hallock
Ben Glaser won the 2004 Punniest of Show trophy at the 27th O. Henry Pun-Off World Championships with this drug related routine.
THE BEST MEDICINE
This is a DRUG STORE-y about my gambling TRYPTOPHAN-tastic CLUB MEDICINE.
It was the MIDOL of the AFRINoon. The high ROLAIDS over at the craps tables were LISTERINE to an 80's cover BAND-AID singing "CARMEX CARMEX CARMEX CARMEX CARMEX CAMOMILE-ion
I was playing at a poker TABLET for a DIMETAPP, using a SUCRETS card- counting METHODONE from a CIPROfessional gambler to give me ALLEGRA- up. Keeping track of my MONISTATs, I realized my PEYOTE was way above average.
To CELEBREX, I MOTRINed over a cocktail waitress and ordered a RICOLA. "SUTURE self," she said and went to get my drink.
"BARBIT, URATE!" I called after her.
But instead of my COKE, she CENTRUM. In ADDICTION, a MESCALINE bodyguard CAMPHOR me. He dECKERD'S me as if he MENTADENT me and MINOXODIL me out. As I ROGAINE my consciousness, I find he's DRUG me up the STEROIDS to a ZOLOFT in the back.
"CAINE, the club owner, is coming to DOCTOR you. HISTAMINEst. I'd ADVILcateyou don't LIDOCAINE."
"Hey," I responded, "ASPIRIN no questions, TYLENOL lies."
QUININE minutes later, CAINE enters and BOTOX to me. "You play like a PROZAC. That stacks the DEXATRIM your favor. I won't GERITOlerate that anyMORPHINE GAUZE it VIAGRAvates me and could geTUSSIN big trouble. You ADDERALL the cards ever again, you're putting your KLEENEX on the line. Are we CLARITIN?"
"CRYSTAL METH."
And with that, he tells me to PAXIL my bags and SENSIMILLA on my way. (By Ben Glazer)
APRIL 22, 2010
Today we celebrate the Day the Earth Stood Still... Inert Day.
(GARY HALLOCK)
For treasons important only to the staff at the O.Henry Museum, the
date for the 2010 Pun-Off has been set for Saturday, May 22. Any other
date that you may have earlier heard me mention was merely conjecture.
In case anyone has been keeping track, our traditional date was, for
the longest time, the first weekend of May. I believe it was in 2001
when we switched to Saturdays instead of Sundays. For the past 6 or 7
years we shifted across the May calendar to the 3rd weekend of May.
(Weekend after Mother's Day.)
Until further notice the new norm will now apparently be the 4th
weekend of May, which lands us on May 22, 2010.
More details later.
Gary (Leerless Feeder) Hallock
THE END OF MARCH, HALT
A young schizophrenic named Struthers
When told of the death of his brother
Said, "Yes, it's too bad,
But I don't feel so sad
Remember, I still have each other."
(William Brubant)
March 30, 2010
Long-time PUNYites will remember SOCKrates, the sock puppet who made his
debut at the Pun-Off some years ago.
SOCKrates has just found out that the Hebrew name for the holiday that
began at sundown last night is Pesach, pronounced "Pay SOCK."
He wants to know when he'll get his money.
Cyn
March 26, 2010
March 29, 2010
March 25, 2010
(missed 24, 29 and 27)A farmer wanting to kill a chicken for dinner has to move faster than a speeding pullet.
(Laid on us by Ken Kramer. Where've you been, Ken?)
March 23, 2010
I heard about a woman who was so worried about getting breast cancer
that she had both of her healthy breasts removed. Sounds like a
radical mistake to me!
Gary Hallock
MARCH 22, 2010
Mick Jagger has a filter on his Facebook account that protects him
from receiving any misinformation in updates from his friends.
Apparently he can't get no status fiction.
(Gary Hallock, meandering thru Monday)
THE LAST DAY OF WINTER, 2010
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.
I've often been asked, "'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine."
Happy spring into Spring!
March 18, 2010
Jeff had had a good portion of his portfolio in diversified mutual funds.
Throughout the ups and downs of the economy he'd typically drawn a
return of`a very comfortable 9-12% each year on his investments. But this latest
offering was too much to pass up. 15% almost guaranteed.
Like too many investors, though, he'd failed to read the fine print in the
prospectus, and after plugging a hundred grand into the new enterprise, the
quarterly reports proved that he'd overlooked the surcharges, handling
fees,management fees, and so on. Within a year he found himself losing
interest in the project.
-- Bob Dvorak
ST. PATRICK'S DAY
(This could be the luck of the Irish)
Woman's Wine Quote:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
(Juanita Browne)
MARCH 16, 2010
Please allow me a flight of fancy and I will remind you of a second story, man. When ascending to the upper floor, did you remember to trip the light? Fantastic! That's dancer I wanted to hear. Those with a great fear of heights should remember to dance Gingerly on the landing. You have to know she wasn't a Fred o' Stairs.
Gary Hallock (Not really here but still not all there either.)
THE IDE'S OF MARCH ( the 15th)
Frederick March gave Beatrice Lilly a beautiful brand new fur coat. In her great excitement she wanted to celebrate. "Let's go out tonight. What shall I put on?" He answered,
"Bea, wear the hides of March."
March 12, 2010
..from 2001 POTY Gary Roma:
Words
Words are but lucky letters.
How do letters get lucky?
They go to bars.
Let's have a look.
A consonant approaches the bar and sits down next to a vowel.
„Hi!, ‰ he says, "Have you ever been here before?"
"Of cursive," she replies, "I come here, like, all the time"
He can tell from her accent (which is kind acute) that she is a Vowelly Girl.
He looks her over. She's short and has a nice assonance.
She sure is a cipher sore I's, thinks this consonantal dude,
I'll bet she gives good letterhead.
He remains stationery, enveloped by her charm.
"And what an uppercase!"
His initial reaction is so pronounced, he doesn't know what to say.
He is, at present, tense.
"You've a lovely set of. teeth," he sputters. "Do you crush with bre-ast... er, I mean, do you brush with Crest?"
Oh my God, gag me with a spoonerism! Your mind is in the guttural, fer sure."
Admiring her figure of speech, he falls into a fantasy.
He pictures a perfect wedding:
They exchange wedding vowels.
The minister says, "I now pronouns you man and wife."
They kiss each other on the ellipsis.
"I love you, noun forever," he whispers.
The conjugation is in tiers.
In a word, they are wed.
He awakens from his daydream and proposes a dance, but she declines.
"Then would you like a beer? Alcohol the bartender."
"I bitter not," she says, falling silent.
Ferment there, she looks like she's going to bee [sic].
"Gee, are you okay?" he asks her.
"I'm, like, under a lot of stress. I've got a yeast inflection."
"I knew something was brewing."
He calls the bartender. "Listen, bud, my beer is warm."
The bartender takes the bottle and empties it in the sink.
The dude watches as his hops go down the drain.
"Let's go outside," he says to her. "I'd like to have a word with you."
"Are you prepositioning me?"
"I won't be indirect. You are the object of my preposition."
"Oh my God, you're, like, such a boldfaced character!"
"I see your point. But I'm font of you. C'mon let's go."
"Do I have to spell it out? You're not my type, so get off my case!"
Reluctantly, he decides to letter B.
"Now my evening lies in runes," he laments.
He leaves, hoping to have letter luck next time.
(By Gary Roma thru Stan Kegel)
MARCH 11, 2010
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still stay stationary.
MARCH 10, 2010
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
- George Burns
MARCH 9,2010
1. What was the name of Noah's wife?
2. Who told Noah to build the ark?
3. What was the name of Noah's aunt?
4. What animal was named after the ark?
5. If Noah had exchanged places with Abraham, what would he be?
6. What mathematician was named after the ark?
7. Where did Noah keep the bees?
8. Who discovered the remains of Noah's ark?
9. What sea was named after the cause of Lyme fever?
10. The animals did not understand why Noah waved a cane in the air. How did they regard it?
11. How did Noah's vessel get the name "Monarch"?
12. What did Noah rename the ark when he saw the olive branch?
13. The animals, who had always sung in E-flat sang in G-sharp once they boarded the ark. What is this phenomenon called?
14. What is the best response to these puns?
1. Joan (Joan of Ark)
2. the ark angel (archangel)
3. Aunt Ark Tica
4. the aardvark
5. a patriarch
6. Ark-imedes (Archimedes)
7. in the ark hives (archives)
8. an archeologist
9. The Arctic (named after the ark tick)
10. To them it was ark cane (arcane)
11. Noah was speaking French when he possessively referred to it as "mon ark."
12. "Ark de tree(umf)" He was still speaking French (Arch de Triumph)
13. a higher ark key (hierarchy)
14. Aark...aark
by Beverly Foote
MARCH 5, 2K10
Punny Times from Juanita Browne
´¯`*¤.¸.¤*´¯`*¤.¸.¤´¯`*¤.¸.¤*´¯`*
Q: What's the difference between the Sun & a loaf of bread?
A: One rises from the East & the other from yeast!
Before an airline changes a procedure
they have a pilot project to find out if the idea will fly.
If you need any help with the kitchen sink, I am at your disposal.
Real-estate man: Would you like to see a model home?
Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?
Headline: Man swallows frog. Doctors fear he might croak.
When there are tears at a wedding there is also eye dew.
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist...
for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.
My cat found a mysterious sweater, but the mystery was soon
unraveled.
´¯`*¤.¸.¤*´¯`*¤.¸.¤´¯`*¤.¸.¤*´¯`*
ARCH 4, 2010
From the land of cyberspace comes these that have been hanging out there since many Pundits passed:
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur 's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it..
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on ahead.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects
MARCH 3, @)!)
If I should ever die, my headstone might read as follows:
I always told the truth or
Could bend it to my will
At twisting facts I'll now relax
Yet I'll be lying still
Last week I participated in the 10th Annual Austin Liars Contest. Much
as I'd like to brag that I led the pack of 10 professional
prevaricators, I've just taken the fifth. (Can't afford to in-cremate
myself! ) At any rate, most of the contest was captured on video by my
buddy Clay Leben and you can now view it online as loud and as often
as you like. Enjoy!
_http://vimeo.http/vimeo.http:/vimeo._
(http://vimeo.com/channels/liarscontest.)
Beast twitches,
Gary Hallock
MARCH 2, 2010
Yes today I visited my dentist. He fixed a broken tooth but left no room for cleaning in between fixed and WHAT WAS left, right?
He called it "MISSION IMFLOSSIBLE"
FEBRUARY 26, 2010
Kitchen Korn
A frenzied mother was busy trying to prepare dinner for her family and guests when in her haste she accidentally spilled a jar of spice all over herself.
Her daughter chose that moment to wander into the kitchen and say casually, "Hey, mom, I need someone to talk to."
The mother replied, "Why would you possibly choose right NOW to try to talk to me?"
To which the daughter responded, "Well, it looked like you had some thyme on your hands." (from the Friday File)
FEBRUARY 24, 2010
DO YOU WEIGH YOUR WHEY THE REGULAR WAY,
OR THE GRAMMAway?
JANUARY 18, 2010
PUNS FROM THE PUNDITS PASSED
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
Of course not. They suffered from lots of disappear pressure and their mom & dad were both transparents.
Gary Hallock
FEBRUARY 19, 2010
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for common words. Here are some:
Flabbergasted: (adj) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Gargoyle (n) olive-flavored mouthwash.
Giraffiti: (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Glibido: (v) All talk and no action.
Caterpallor: (n) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Esplanade: (v) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Balderdash: (n) a rapidly receding hairline.
Oyster: (n) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
SYMAN SAYS, 1999-2010, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
FEBRUARY 18, 2010
The Lost Symphony
Frans Joseph Haydn (1732 - 1809) was a renowned and prolific composer, famous for his many symphonies. He was born in Austria. He is credited with establishing the string quartet and perfecting the classical symphony.
His worldly experience and his esoteric and eclectic tastes are not common knowledge today; in fact, he was an experimenter with music much in the way Edgard Varese, Steve Reich, Paul Simon and Gabriel Byrne are regarded in the modern era: "pushing the envelope" and blending some "world music" into the mainstream.
Haydn's success at merging the musical moods and motifs of the different continents prompted Mozart to say of him, "There is no one who can do it all - to joke and to terrify, to evoke laughter and profound sentiment - and all equally well, except Joseph Haydn."
Haydn's interests took him to other parts of the world, considered quite risky during that period. He traveled to the New World and to the Asian Sub-Continent, always taking time to listen to the music characteristic of those regions.
His students learned a great deal from him, but as is often the case in such learning experiences, some of his pupils went off in their own new directions rather than following on in their teacher's footsteps.
Two such pupils were the young fellow Austrian, Frederic der Wiesel, and the Frenchman Papgeau. These two troublemakers were to cause Franz such consternation that he was to shred his groundbreaking new symphony to bits moments after its first performance and forever abandon the thought of composing anything other than "conventional" classical music again.
Musicologists continue to seach for remains of the manuscript, but only a few scribblings in his journal regarding the melodies he notated during an expedition to India are all that remain of the composition.
The Haydn Sikh Symphony was only performed once, at the same venue as the premiere of the new composition of his pupils (and the source of Haydn's outrage), the comic Papgeau-der Wiesel Suite. (By Phillip via Stan Kegel)
FEBRUARY 17, 2010
I pity the poor chilly folks on the east coast. They're clearly going
through a bad spell of coaled whether...uh. ..kohled
wither...um. ..culled warter.
speaking of bad spells tweeters and texters really push my buttons
writing without punctuation is lazy to anyone who expects me to do
this I will just say no period
Viagra missed a great opportunity by not being an underwriter of the
wiener ol' limp pricks.
Best excuse for not turning in your English assignment.. . "The
doggerel ate my poemwork."
Gary Hallock
What would you call a knight who is afraid to fight? asks Stan Kegel
Gary Hallock knew it would be Sir Render
FEBRUARY 3, 2010
Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout
its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
members of the family and social circle have been
known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial
wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around
the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
FEBRUARY 2, 2010
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
'I've found Cod. I'm a |
JANUARY 19, 2020
Is it good or bad IF....
...your candy dispenser is indispenable?
...your vacuum cleaner sucks?
...your brave rock is a little bolder?
...your apple turnover, can't?
your YES TODAY'S FUN
April 2009
*Medical Thinking on the Economy*
Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the new economic stimulus package....
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not
to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians
said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness , while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The
Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
po'd at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up
to the assholes in Ottawa.
Feb 19 2009
Grapefruit season in Florida is upon us and all of today's baseball greats are there to get things started.
Which brings us to our almost spring baseball funnies:
"What is the hardest thing to do in baseball?"
To walk on four balls
"What is the difference between a pitcher with a high ERA and York University?"
York University know's how to throw a strike.
FEB 17 2009
A Rabbi a Priest and a Scientist go into a bar, the Priest says: "What kind of motor vehichles are in the bible?" the other two say: "I give up." The Priest says: " God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Fury."
The Rabbi says: "Who was the greatest female financier in the Old Testament?" The other two say: "I give up." The Rabbi says: "Pharoh's daughter, she went down the the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
the scientist says:
"The Sun and planets formed from the collapse of a very large, dense interstellar cloud. This cloud was probably thousands of light years across and it collapsed quite quickly to the size of the Solar System. The cloud was rotating as it collapsed and the collapse made it rotate even faster. The rotation from the cloud was transferred to the Sun and planets. The force that caused the spin is angular momentum and without a force to stop it, the Earth just keeps spinning.
The Earth rotates once (with respect to its center) every 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4.091 seconds. Our planet is a slightly flattened sphere with a circumference of 40,075 km at the equator. This means that at the equator, the Earth is spinning with a speed of 460 m/s, about 1,070 mph. This speed decreases as you move to higher latitudes because the circle is smaller. Speed decreases by the cosine of your latitude so that at a latitude of 45 degrees, cos(45) = .707 and the speed is .707 x 1670 = 1180 kilometers/hr. You can use this formula to find the speed of rotation at any latitude.
Of course, there's more motions than Earth's daily "spin" on its axis to consider.Besides rotating on its axis, the Earth is moving around the Sun, the whole Solar System is moving around the Galaxy and the Galaxy is moving through space!
We know the Earth is moving in nearly circular orbit around the Sun. We are moving along in this orbit at almost 30 kilometers per second, or just over 67,000 miles per hour. Sound fast? Hang on: it gets even faster!
Our Solar System is tucked away in an arm of the Milky Way Galaxy. Our galaxy is rotating, and we are rotating around the galaxy's center at about 220 kilometers per second (490,000 miles per hour!)"
The other two say: "I give up."
Feb 14 2009
My wife suggested I be more affectionate for valentines.
So I got two girlfriends.
FEB 13 2009
Bedtime for Bongo
In Mission Improbable
Good morning Mr. Phelps the photograph below is you.
What you thought was a toke of genius to find a new kick has put you in hot water and now for the first time you are trying not to get a record.
Why you did it:
Who you have gone to for forgiveness:
Your mission, Mr. Phelps should you decide to accept it is to get Obama to legalize this simple natural pleasure and return your greatly deserved respect to it's rightful place.
Please destroy all negative perceptions of you in the usual manner.
Good luck, this lunacy will self destruct in the next five seconds.
Feb 12 2009
You have to mean what you say without being mean.
Sometimes pictures can help those hard of spelling.
I love bigotry:
I hate Bigotry:
She loves me lots:
She loves me knot
Feb 11 2008
Homophones are words that sound the same, but are spelt differently and mean different things.
eg: 'flower', 'flour'. 'sea', see.
'Homophone', 'homophone'.
Feb 10 2009
When A-Rod heard that there was a banned substance he could get involved with he agreed immediately.
He always wanted to play in the 'banned'.
Feb 9 2009
U.S. NATIONAL DEBT CLOCK
The Outstanding Public Debt as of 09 Feb 2009 at 12:54:09 AM GMT is:
 |
The estimated population of the United States is 305,612,023
so each citizen's share of this debt is $35,105.82.
The National Debt has continued to increase an average of
$3.45 billion per day since September 28, 2007!
"Debt's the way it goes these days"
February, 7 2009
Stimuless Package
February, 6 2009
They have come out with a new playboy magazine for married couples.
Every month the same centerfold.
February, 5 2009
The Italian Fog
'Bigamist'
February, 4 2009
Santonio Holmes a great catch
But because he was a Steeler
He was hung like a horse thief
Foreign formation email to punpunpun@rogers.com
YES TODAYS PUNS FROM THE PASSED
January 26,2009
There should be a cap on rates and debt management taught in schools. Now that would be in everyone's best interest... Kenny Kramer
JANUARY 25, 2009
(HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBBIE BURNS)
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a Nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
JANUARY 9, 2009
All shook up for having been charged too much, the man from Cairo said, "EGYPT us."
JANUARY 7, 2009
What musical is about a train conductor?
"My Fare, Lady" (Cynthia MacGregor)
January 6, 2009
Fresh fruits and vegetables imported from South America lose something in the transportation. Ain't it the truth? (N'est-ce pas). (de gerald richmond)
January 5, 2009
From Doc Charley:
While shopping, I was approached by a charming young lady who offered her body to me for a finacial consideration.
"How much will your services demand in American currency?" I asked her.
She replied "$ 19.99 plus stripping and handling."
December 28, 2008
"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."
(by Ken Kramer)
DECEMBER 25, 2008
- How "Merry Christmas" is said .....around the world:
Afrikaans: Geseënde Kersfees
Afrikander: Een Plesierige Kerfees
African/ Eritrean/ Tigrinja: Rehus-Beal-Ledeats
Albanian:Gezur Krislinjden
Arabic: Milad Majid
Argentine: Feliz Navidad
Armenian: Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Azeri: Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Bahasa Malaysia: Selamat Hari Natal
Basque: Zorionak eta Urte Berri On!
Bengali: Shuvo Naba Barsha
Bohemian: Vesele Vanoce
Bosnian: (BOSANSKI) Cestit Bozic i Sretna Nova godina
Brazilian: Feliz Natal
Breton: Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat
Bulgarian: Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo
Catalan: Bon Nadal i un Bon Any Nou!
Chile: Feliz Navidad
Chinese: (Cantonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
Chinese: (Mandarin) Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan (Catonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
Choctaw: Yukpa, Nitak Hollo Chito
Columbia: Feliz Navidad y Próspero Año Nuevo
Cornish: Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
Corsian: Pace e salute
Crazanian: Rot Yikji Dol La Roo
Cree: Mitho Makosi Kesikansi
Croatian: Sretan Bozic
Czech: Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Danish: Glædelig Jul
Duri: Christmas-e- Shoma Mobarak
Dutch: Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar! or Zalig Kerstfeast
English: Merry Christmas
Eskimo: (inupik) Jutdlime pivdluarit ukiortame pivdluaritlo!
Esperanto: Gajan Kristnaskon
Estonian: Rõõmsaid Jõulupühi
Ethiopian: (Amharic) Melkin Yelidet Beaal
Faeroese: Gledhilig jol og eydnurikt nyggjar!
Farsi: Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad
Finnish: Hyvaa joulua
Flemish: Zalig Kerstfeest en Gelukkig nieuw jaar
French: Joyeux Noel
Frisian: Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier!
Galician: Bo Nada
Gaelic: Nollaig chridheil agus Bliadhna mhath ùr!
German: Fröhliche Weihnachten
Greek: Kala Christouyenna!
Haiti: (Creole) Jwaye Nowel or to Jesus Edo Bri'cho o Rish D'Shato Brichto
Hausa: Barka da Kirsimatikuma Barka da Sabuwar Shekara!
Hawaiian: Mele Kalikimaka
Hebrew: Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
Hindi: Shub Naya Baras (good New Year not Merry Christmas)
Hausa: Barka da Kirsimatikuma Barka da Sabuwar Shekara!
Hawaian: Mele Kalikimaka ame Hauoli Makahiki Hou!
Hungarian: Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket
Icelandic: Gledileg Jol
Indonesian: Selamat Hari Natal
Iraqi: Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Irish: Nollaig Shona Dhuit, or Nodlaig mhaith chugnat
Iroquois: Ojenyunyat Sungwiyadeson honungradon nagwutut. Ojenyunyat osrasay.
Italian: Buone Feste Natalizie
Japanese: Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Jiberish: Mithag Crithagsigathmithags
Korean: Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Lao: souksan van Christmas
Latin: Natale hilare et Annum Faustum!
Latvian: Prieci'gus Ziemsve'tkus un Laimi'gu Jauno Gadu!
Lausitzian:Wjesole hody a strowe nowe leto
Lettish: Priecigus Ziemassvetkus
Lithuanian: Linksmu Kaledu
Low Saxon: Heughliche Winachten un 'n moi Nijaar
Macedonian: Sreken Bozhik
Maltese: IL-Milied It-tajjeb
Manx: Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa
Maori: Meri Kirihimete
Marathi: Shub Naya Varsh (good New Year not Merry Christmas)
Navajo: Merry Keshmish
Norwegian: God Jul, or Gledelig Jul
Occitan: Pulit nadal e bona annado
Papiamento: Bon Pasco
Papua New Guinea: Bikpela hamamas blong dispela Krismas na Nupela yia i go long yu
Pennsylvania German: En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr!
Peru: Feliz Navidad y un Venturoso Año Nuevo
Philipines: Maligayan Pasko!
Polish: Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia or Boze Narodzenie
Portuguese:Feliz Natal
Pushto: Christmas Aao Ne-way Kaal Mo Mobarak Sha
Rapa-Nui (Easter Island): Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Rhetian: Bellas festas da nadal e bun onn
Romanche: (sursilvan dialect): Legreivlas fiastas da Nadal e bien niev onn!
Rumanian: Sarbatori vesele or Craciun fericit
Russian: Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is Novim Godom
Sami: Buorrit Juovllat
Samoan: La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Sardinian: Bonu nadale e prosperu annu nou
Serbian: Hristos se rodi
Slovakian: Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce
Sami: Buorrit Juovllat
Samoan: La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Scots Gaelic: Nollaig chridheil huibh
Serbian: Hristos se rodi.
Singhalese: Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak: Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene: Vesele Bozicne Praznike Srecno Novo Leto or Vesel Bozic in srecno Novo leto
Spanish: Feliz Navidad
Swedish: God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt År
Tagalog: Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Tamil: (Tamizh) Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal (good New Year not Merry Christmas)
Trukeese: (Micronesian) Neekiriisimas annim oo iyer seefe feyiyeech!
Thai: Sawadee Pee Mai or souksan wan Christmas
Turkish: Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
Ukrainian: Srozhdestvom Kristovym or Z RIZDVOM HRYSTOVYM
Urdu: Naya Saal Mubarak Ho (good New Year not Merry Christmas)
Vietnamese: Chuc Mung Giang Sinh
Welsh: Nadolig Llawen
Yoruba: E ku odun, e ku iye'dun!
DECEMBER 23, 2008
Juanita Browne asks:
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon Hood.
Q: What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A: A Pineapple!
Q: Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
A: They both drop their needles
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soots him.
Q: Where do Santa's reindeer like to stop for lunch?
A: Deery Queen.
Q: What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A: A cookie sheet.
Q: What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
A: Comet.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who played golf on Christmas and accidentally hit a bird?
A: He got a partridge on a par three.
Q: What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
A: Santa Klutz!
Q: How do sheep greet each other on Christmas?
A: Merry Christmas to Ewe!
Q: How many reindeer does Santa Have???
A: 11! Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudoph (the one with the red nose), Olive (Olive the other reindeer), and Al (Then Al the reindeer loved him)
DECEMBER 19, 2008
More writing tips Posted by: "Lee Bradley"
1. Always avoid alliteration.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.) 4. Watch out for mispelled words.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It ought to always be considered wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not a propos. Consider them "«betes noires".
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what 'you' know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
17. One-word sentences? Bah! Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be avoided.
20. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
21. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
22. Who needs rhetorical questions?
23. While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must nevertheless keep incessant surveillance against such quacious, effusive, voluble verbosity that the calculated objective of communication becomes ensconced in obscurity.
24. In a sentence, the nouns has to match the verbs.
25. Don't use no double negatives.
26. In writing, few things are, so to speak, more infuriating, than, say, commas, at least when there are too many of them, or when they should be, say, semicolons.
27. Proofread your work, so you don't leave some out or forget to finish 28. Run-on sentences are really bad because the reader saturates and what you really should be doing is using commas and semicolons and even periods to break the sentence up into more digestible chunks.
29. To have been using excessively complex verb constructions, is to have been showing off.
30. A friend I spoken with recently told me he been forgetting his helper verbs, so doesn't be letting that happened to you.
(HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMILY!)
Everyone DECEMBER 16, 2008
Juanita Browne went to a friend's house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.
Juanita asked, "What's the deal, no decorations?"
Puzzled, he looked at her and said, "What do you mean? It's a cartridge in a bare tree."
DECEMBER 15, 2008
The Iraqi journalist who threw that fit wasn't the sole perpetraitor.
In fact the Converse is true. I think there were a cobbler other
loafers in the crowd who would like to hit the heel. In fact there are
probably Nunn Bush hasn't angered by driving wedges between the
peoples of Iraq and failing to achieve a New Balance. Stiletto-nly
stands treason that people will gradually Payless attention to Bush as
the Clarks running out on his tenure. Eventually folks may start to
shoo Obama. (For you Keds looking for a richer read, that was an old
terrorist reference)
Can Adidas strange as this go un-punnished? Only Thom McCann tell.
Probably Cyn's little pal, Sockrates will have some knit wit to share
with us. I'm sure argyle be heard from soon.
Gary Hallock
DECEMBER 12, 2008
A bird watcher had a mynah problem but with no egrets
December 2, 2008
Keeping terrorists from getting into our country is pretty important to
Obama. This is why he's making the task of his new Secretary of Homeland
Security easier by leaving Gates on Defense.
Gary Hallock
November 26, 2008 (It appears to be fixed, but it wasn't broke.)
Days of the weak by Juanita Browne
Because of the reaction people have when they wake up and
realize it's a workday again and the weekend is over, the
first day of the week is called Moanday.
Many people too busy to cook on the second day of the week
just open a can of beans. Hence the day is known as Tootsday.
By the third day of the week, people are wondering when they
can ever find the time to get everything done this week that
they need to, hence the day is known as Whensday.
Too bleary to even count properly, people think it's only
Day Three of the week on the next day, therefore it's er-
roneously called Thirdsday.
On the last day of the workweek, people often go out "for
a few" after work. By the time they get home, they're too
tired to cook anything elaborate, so they just throw a
piece of meat, chicken, or fish in the skillet. That's why
the day is known as Fryday.
Saturday night all the singles let loose. There's a lot of
sexual hijinks. It's pretty obvious why the day is called
Satyrday.
And on the last day of the week--and the weekend--people
look at all the items on their to-do lists that didn't get
crossed off, groan aloud, and make themselves promises they
won't keep. Therefore the day is called Soonday.
November 17, 2008
"Hamlet was a terrible play, not worth putting on stage," he said disdainfully.
(Spoonerism fed by Jill Kaplan)
(HAPPY BIRTHDAY NORMA)
November 14, 2008
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder!
(served up by Ryan Scott. stbdc)
November 12, 2008
Manhattan lawyer sues his estranged wife for cheating on him and giving him herpes, she tests negative and now wants herpes of his pie.
(From Ken Kramer who asked if we didn't forget Remembrance Day. Argh! missed it eh?)
November 10, 2008
November 6, 2008
JEST FOR THE PUN OF IT: -From Stan Kegel-
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp,
was stumped. The frog population despite efforts at predator control,
was declining by an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came
up with a solution. The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp
water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce
successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assit the
frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium.
It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate!
NOVEMBER 3, 2008
Two guys were sitting in a bar watching TV and arguing about which presidential candidate was the least honest. When one of them appeared on the network one guy turned to the other and said "C...BS. From PEKIMUN (mikeandspike)
October 31, 2008
Let's keep the Halloween theme alive through the day. (Boosts Gary Hallock)
>
> Below are some riddle questions for which I have no particular answer
> in mind. Treat these like one of our usual riddles but just let your
> mind wander. Make up something, anything, that might conceivably fit
> the question and add it to the bottom of the list.
>
> Q: - WHERE DO ZOMBIES DO THEIR FOOD SHOPPING?
>
> * At a green gross sewer. (GH) (GH = Gary Hallock)
> * At the Seven un-heaven (GH)
> * At Crash-through-the-WalMart (GH)
> * At the "outer parts" store (GH)
> *They go to REI to buy Goretex (BP) (BP =Bertrand Piboin)
* Targut (TW) (TW = Tiff Wimberley
>
> Q: - WHAT ARE THE MOST POPULAR DRINKS ORDERED AT DRACULA'S SPORTS BAR?
>
> * Bloody Mary (GH)
> * Diequiri (TW)
> * PAP SMEARNOFF (GH)
> * Eyeballs (GH)
> * To Kill A Sunrise (BP)
> * Jim Beam of sunlight (GH)
> * Most vampires won't order a drink at Stake 'n' Nail. (GH)
>
> *A White Russian or A Black Russian, or any Slav'll do (BP)
> * Fangria (TW)
> * Murderlot (TW)
> * Zinfangdel (TW)
>
> Q: - HOW DOES A SKELETON STUDY FOR A PHYSICAL EXAM?
>
> * He bones up (TW)
> * He gets a head by putting his best foot forward. (GH)
> * He gets a set of flesh cards (GH)
> * By reading a spine novel (GH)
> * He orders some ribs and hits the sauce (BP)
> *
>
> Q: - WHAT DID THE MUMMY SAY WHEN ASKED TO SHOW A BOARDING PASS?
>
> * Aw, sheet! I left it in my other suit! (GH)
> * I have it under "wraps" (BP)
> * Don't hassle me, man. I have embalm in my suitcase! (GH)
> *
> *
>
> Q: - HOW DID THE WITCH KNOW WHEN HER BROOM NEEDED A TUNE UP?
>
> * It wouldn't make a clean sweep. (GH)
> * It developed a bat poll to the left (GH)
> *When she flew off the handle (BP)
> * The blue smoke was the last straw(BP)
> * It bristles under her weight. (TW)
> *
> *
>
> Q: - WHAT DID THE GHOST DO WHEN THE POLICE QUESTIONED HIM ABOUT THE
> BURGLARY?
>
> * He spirited himself away. (TW)
> * He insisted on speaking with the chief inn spectre (GH)
> * He just began to walls away (GH)
> *
> *
> *
>
> Q: - HOW DOES A GRAVE ROBBER COVER HIS TRACKS?
>
> * A broken backhoe (GH)
> * By defying the force of grave-ity (GH)
> *
> *
>
> Q: - WHAT DID DR. FRANKENSTEIN DO WHEN THE STOCK MARKET CRASHED?
>
> * He dipped into his en-DOW-ment fund. (GH)
> * He stocked up on animal parts. Specifically Bull shit and Bear
> Stearns (GH)
> *
> *
> *
> *
>
> Q: - WHAT THINGS MIGHT YOU FIND AT A WEREWOLF'S GARAGE SALE?
>
> * A dusty old hirsute (GH)
> * Lupine cones (GH)
> *
>
> *
> *
> *
>
October 29, 2008
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.
What is cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween? Ghoul-aid.
Why were there screams coming from the kitchen? The cook was beating the eggs.
What happened to the monster children who ate all the vegetables? They gruesome.
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.
What can you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A Cereal killer.
Why do you always find ghouls and demons together? Because demons are a ghouls's best friend.
October 27, 2007
(Seen in the news and brought to us by Juanita Browne, who is right)
OCTOBER 24, 2008
The World Series is comparable to a "Slink Race" between 2 silkworms.
They're both in a tie.
OCTOBER 23, 2008
After last night's game, the Tampa Bay Rays undoubtedly wish that
they were like the difference between a long-winded political speech
and a cowboy: one is a filibuster, and the other is a Philly buster.
(A curve by Jim ERTNER)
OCTOBER 22, 2008
I've heard a rumor that many members of the underdog team in this
year's World Series have very quick Tampas and are prone to
initiating bloody scuffles on the field. I do hope all the World
Series games will be played at night so that the Phillies don't
suffer from too much exposure to the damaging ultra violent Rays.
(Pitched by Gary Hallock)
October 21, 2008
Symansays these are words and thoughts of medical specialists:
** The allergists voted to scratch it.
** The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
** The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
** The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body."
** The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
** The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
** The radiologists could see right through it.
** The plastic surgeoms said, "This put a whole new face on the matter."
** The podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
** The HMO's killed it anyway.
OCTOBER 20, 2008
It's not likely that Pillsbury's mascot/spokesman would ever run for president, but I'm sure he could raise much of the bread he kneads by appealing to the charitable dough nation.
(Monday musings from Gary Hallock)
October 16, 2008
Weight for these grams from Ana:
DORMITORY:
DIRTY ROOM.
PRESBYTERIAN:
BEST IN PRAYER.
ASTRONOMER:
MOON STARER.
DESPOSITION:
A ROPE ENDS IT.
THE EYES:
THEY SEE.
THE MORSE CODE:
HERE COMES DOTS.
A DECIMAL POINT:
A DOT IN PLACE.
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
TWELVE PLUS ONE.
October 14, 2008
The destruction caused by Hurricane Ike: The DFW area had some wind
that trashed the place with refuse. The Dallas Morning News headline was
"Debris Does Dallas".
(Tiff Wimberly is back, better'n ever)
October 13, 2008
(Thanksgiving Day in Canada)
Thanks are given for the turkeys we've posted here and for stuffing them with word play.
October 10, 2008
NEW FINANCIAL TERMS From the Friday File (Thanks Anne)
The following terms have been updated to fit today's business world:
- CEO - chief embezzlement officer.
- CFO - corporate fraud officer.
- BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
- BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
- P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
- BROKER - What my broker has made me.
- STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
- STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
- STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
- MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
- CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
- INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
- MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
- VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
- 'BUY, BUY' - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
- FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
- CALL OPTION - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
- YAHOO - What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
- WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.
- PROFIT - Religious guy who talks to God.
- BILL GATES - Where God goes for a loan.
- ALAN GREENSPAN - God (past tense)
+-*/+-*/+-*/+-*/+-*/+-*/+-*/+-*/+-*/+-*/
OCTOBER 8, 2008
Sum of his qualifications as a math teacher didn't add up. Ah-h-h! What's the difference?
OCTOBER 7, 2008
News just in:
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK , uncertainty has now hit Japan .
In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
(reported by Mikie Friedman)
OCTOBER 6, 2008
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
OCTOBER 3, 2008
The Conclusive, Definitive, Official Dewey Cheetham, and Howe,
Staff List, directly from "SYMANSAYS":
Broadcast Philosopher: Phillip Airtime.
Collision Repair Specialist: Jesse "The Body Shop" Ventura.
Director of Sports Information: Linus Scrimmage.
Elocution Coach: Dick Shun.
Head of Security: Barb Dwyer.
Lighting Expert: Shanda Lear.
Nutrition Consultants: Eaton Wright and Liven Good.
Repair Cost Consultant: Bill M. Moore
Spiritual Counselor: Miss Dolly Lama.
Timing Director: Benjamin Not-Yet-You-Yahoo.
OCTOBER 1, 2008
(The following is flowing from the electronic world and needs to be shared with all)
1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No
change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't
have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
September 29, 2008
September 26, 2008
When dressing up for a masquerade party, disguise the limit.
(were you able to recognize Ken Kramer?)
September 25, 2008
(Wonderful whizes of "AWE'S" ["AH'S"] from PUNY)
Alan B. Combs wrote:
I was blessed with a mother who had most of L. Frank Baum's Oz books,
and Judy Garland's movie was my childhood favorite. However, for
economic reasons, the movie told an incomplete story. Dorothy's dear
friend and childhood companion, Amy Moore, also was carried away with
Dorothy and Toto to the land of the Munchkins.
When the house finally plopped down on WWW (Wicked Witch of the West;
not internet URL), Dorothy's friend stepped out and cried, "Where in
the world are we?" This led to Dorothy's very famous answer.
"We're not in Kansas, Amy Moore"
=========================================
When I was growing up, I was a fervent reader of L. Frank Baum and his
Oz books. While the stories primarily revolved around Dorothy Gale and
her adventures, the stories of others who got to Oz were often just as
fascinating. Thus, I was delighted when Alan told us about Dorothy and
her friend Amy Moore.
What Alan didn't tell us was that shortly before Amy and Dorothy
arrived in Oz, Richard Rhode, a teenaged heartthrob and a euphonious
crooner with a voice reminicient of Mel Torme, entered Oz hoping the
Wizard would help him save his career, as he was reaching puberty and
his voice was beginning to change to an annoying rasp. In fact, he had
left to fulfill his quest moments before Dorothy's famous landing. So
when Dorothy asked how she could find the Wizard, she was told to... "
Follow the mellow Rick Rhode."
Stan Kegel
============================
Sadly the quality of Mr. Rhode's singing voice was never restored. He
eventually went into rock'n'roll and became a "yeller." On the up
side, his annoying voice caused Dorothy's dog to run away, so it
wasn't a Toto loss.
Gary Hallock
September 24, 2008
Is mourning glory an oxymoron?
SEPTEMBER 23, 2008
SEPTEMBER 22, 2008
Prove the Iron Man is a woman?
Iron = Fe
Man = Male
Therefore, Iron Man = Female
What do you call a cylinder of radius "z" units and height "a" units?
"Pizza"
(The volume of the cylinder = Pi times z times z times a)
[so says Dr. S Kegel]
__._,_.___
September 19, 2008
New Wine for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
September 18, 2008
Rich Moore shared Today's Pun (If the strategy of the Democrats is to HARASS SARAH, they have come up with a tactical Palin-drome.), and the
response was:
"Or are they just Biden their time?"
and
"No they are just raising McCain."
September 17, 2008
It is interesting that even though they've lost their shirts they're called,
"Bare Sterns!"
SEPTEMBER 16, 2008
On Sep 16, 2008, at 12:26 AM, Richard Lederer wrote:
If the strategy of the Democrats is to
HARASS SARAH,
they have come up with a tactical Palin-drome.
September 15, 2008
A kangaroo that can't jump is completely hopless! (From down under Ken Kramer)
September 10, 2008
"There is only one flower growing in your garden," said Tom lackadaisically.
"I didn't like that comedian's performance," said Tom unwittingly
"I smell a skunk." said Tom instinctively.
"Some people play music too loudly," said Tom perfunctorily
(Spoon fed to us by Irwin Weintraub)
September 9. 2008
Did you know that Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo, and Gummo had a sixth brother, named Skid?
( full marks go to Cynthia MacGregor for this)
September 8, 2008
The average person thinks he isn't.
-says Father Larry Lorenzoni
08 09 05
Most optometrists who sing favor the key of "C sharp."
(noted Gary Hallock)
08 09 04
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
(Economic wisdom from Al Schaffel, long time member)
08 08 29
I get my large circumference from too much pi.
(Pattie Crosbie, the First Lady of the original Chairman of the Bored, John)
28 08 27
Token from Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
Sign on Music Store: "Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00, Offenbach at 2:00"
If you don't like rock music, try classical. Can you Handel it?
If you're not dead Baroque, you can afford it. (Like a painting collector out of Monet.)
If you decide to buy some classical piano music, don't
forget to bring your Chopin Liszt!
Or you can play Haydn go seek.
Or as Bizet would say, "Carmen get it."
I tried thinking of a pun for "Rachmaninov" or "Stravinski" with no success, so a kind person sent me this response: Oh come Orff it. Don't go Haydn your light under a bushel. You can duet. I'd help but I'm too Bizet.
08 08 26
SYMAN SAYS One-Liners: Or Jest For The Pun of IT
Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to
the driver, "Got any ID?
The driver says, "Bout what?
A rock store was closed by police. They were taking too much for
granite.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
"The Insomniac" by Eliza wake.
Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!
A letter carrier is a mail dominant profession.
A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.
Didja hear about the broadway actor who broke through the floor boards?
He was just going through a stage.
A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well it wasn't it's real name,
just a pen name.
When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he
finally brought the house down.
08 08 25
The Summer Olympics have closed and we look forward to the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver Canada.
08 08 22
Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor. - Laurence J. Peter (from the Friday File)
08 08 21
At a book fair I noticed that there were many of my favorite books missing. I went up to the lady selling classics and said, "What have you done with the medieval novels? Where's Ivanhoe?"
Without missing a beat, she answered, "It's been banned from the fair! There's too much Saxon violence!" (from the Friday Fle, on Thursday)
08 0-8 20
Occupations from member Juanita Browne
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
Juanita asks, "You got any ideas? I'm opened for suggestions .........maybe you have something that WORKS..........because I don't!" We do too.
08 08 19
08 08 18
chasmwuk says, "I can't take credit for this pun since I got it off the web a few minutes ago."
These are the BARS results adding to the host nation's sensational gymnastics performance at the Olympic Games:
China's He Kexin wins gold;
Liukin left with silver;
Yang Yilin got the bronze. --
the Great Haul of China.
08 08 15
Elyse Hopfner-Hibbs spoke after her Gymnastics,
"I'm so dizzy I don't know vertigo."
08 08 14
With the frequent earthquakes they've been having in China, I wouldn't be surprised to see a gymnast begin his routine on the parallel bars only to finish it on the uneven bars. Of course many of the audience members will probably hit the bars right after both events.
( A gold for Gary Hallock)
08 08 13
PUN ARK HIVES
08 08 29
I get my large circumference from too much pi.
(Pattie Crosbie, the First Lady of the original Chairman of the Bored, John)
28 08 27
Token from Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day
Sign on Music Store: "Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00, Offenbach at 2:00"
If you don't like rock music, try classical. Can you Handel it?
If you're not dead Baroque, you can afford it. (Like a painting collector out of Monet.)
If you decide to buy some classical piano music, don't
forget to bring your Chopin Liszt!
Or you can play Haydn go seek.
Or as Bizet would say, "Carmen get it."
I tried thinking of a pun for "Rachmaninov" or "Stravinski" with no success, so a kind person sent me this response: Oh come Orff it. Don't go Haydn your light under a bushel. You can duet. I'd help but I'm too Bizet.
08 08 26
SYMAN SAYS One-Liners: Or Jest For The Pun of IT
Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to
the driver, "Got any ID?
The driver says, "Bout what?
A rock store was closed by police. They were taking too much for
granite.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
"The Insomniac" by Eliza wake.
Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!
A letter carrier is a mail dominant profession.
A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.
Didja hear about the broadway actor who broke through the floor boards?
He was just going through a stage.
A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well it wasn't it's real name,
just a pen name.
When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he
finally brought the house down.
08 08 25
The Summer Olympics have closed and we look forward to the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver Canada.
08 08 22
Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor. - Laurence J. Peter (from the Friday File)
08 08 21
At a book fair I noticed that there were many of my favorite books missing. I went up to the lady selling classics and said, "What have you done with the medieval novels? Where's Ivanhoe?"
Without missing a beat, she answered, "It's been banned from the fair! There's too much Saxon violence!" (from the Friday Fle, on Thursday)
08 0-8 20
Occupations from member Juanita Browne
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
Juanita asks, "You got any ideas? I'm opened for suggestions .........maybe you have something that WORKS..........because I don't!" We do too.
08 08 19
08 08 18
chasmwuk says, "I can't take credit for this pun since I got it off the web a few minutes ago."
These are the BARS results adding to the host nation's sensational gymnastics performance at the Olympic Games:
China's He Kexin wins gold;
Liukin left with silver;
Yang Yilin got the bronze. --
the Great Haul of China.
08 08 15
Elyse Hopfner-Hibbs spoke after her Gymnastics,
"I'm so dizzy I don't know vertigo."
08 08 14
With the frequent earthquakes they've been having in China, I wouldn't be surprised to see a gymnast begin his routine on the parallel bars only to finish it on the uneven bars. Of course many of the audience members will probably hit the bars right after both events.
( A gold for Gary Hallock)
08 08 13
I hear that some of the Olympic athletes have been bothered by insect bites.
Yup, they're gymnast-tics. Jim Ertner
08 08 12
08 08 11
Staying in the weight loss area,
"A waist is a terrible thing to mind."
(Peter Greene)
08 08 08
Having dealt with a few (well, ok....a lot of) extra pounds all my adult life, I have tried to rethink the activities which may have led me to grow up and out as I matured.
I think it may have been my misunderstanding of certain diet advice:
Cook "Lite" - I thought that meant wearing as little as possible while in the kitchen (it does get hot in there). And, yes, be careful not to burn the buns!
Count Calories - I have yet to see any calories to count. I am not even sure what they look like. You have heard of hidden calories, right? It is easier to count the dust particles on my TV screen.
Walk for Exercise - Hey, I walk wherever I go. I do not jog, run, or skip...I WALK.
Stay Active - Duh...Just this week I re-activated my membership to the Dessert of the Month Club.
Avoid Overeating on Holidays - Funny thing, when I go on holiday, so does my ability to ward off temptation. When I look for Willpower, I find a sign saying, "Gone on Vacation." Unlike Willpower, I at least worked for my time off!
Practice Portion Control - I've been practicing....just not perfect yet.
Eat a Balanced Diet - so far I think I've done well on that point. My weight seems to be evenly dispersed and I am not in danger of careening to one side or the other.
Drink in Moderation - WHERE is Moderation? I would go there....
Find a Hobby that doesn't involve Food - I joined a theatre group. They put me in charge of the Dinner Theatre! Then there were those biscuits for the 7 Brides for 7 Brothers.... So much for a foodless hobby!
Eat a Variety of Food - No problem! Have you seen the variety of chips lately? I mean, we are talking everything from pickle, cracked pepper, nacho, vinegar, jalapeno, and more! And Jelly Beans....enough variety to have a different one every day for three months!
Dieting is heavy work....but it can be done...instead of eating a bun...I go read a pun. It makes life (and me) a lot lighter! Kay L. Hogan Jones
August 7, 2008
It's been three weaks since we were opun and we're going to be back as soon as this*&%# comp puter starts to pay for itself. Probably by the eighth.
July 18, 2008
I'm thinking they ought to change the spelling of the word to "petrolimb" because a fill up costs an arm and a leg. ( A gas from Gary Hallock)
July 16, 2008
Menu suggestions for next year's French holiday celebration: Serve two types of fish. Steelhead Trout & Largemouth Bass. What better way to celebrate Bass/Steel day? If you think your guests will enjoy some soup, you might use some of that left over "steelhead" to make "ferrous swill." Of course it tastes totally Eiffel but you can try to
pass it off as that traditional French dish, "Fishy-ssoise."
(Gary Hallock is not new or leans towards magnificentwordplay)
July 14, 2008
A dentist's advice and warning:
"Brush teeth twice daily and floss nightly."
BE TRUE TO YOUR TEETH OR THEY'LL BE FALSE TO YOU.
(Extracted from Gerald Richmond)
July 11, 2008
More wonderful words from George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
July 10, 2008
The first guy to mass produce candies made a mint. (Sweets from Ken Kramer)
July 9, 2008
The theatre critic highly praised the production because he was such a
smooth opera rater.
(This in keeping with the theatre thread started by Cyn and added to by Gary Hallock)
July 8, 2008
Cynthia Mac Gregor, who IS capable of making puns on other operas besides CARMEN! sings this,
"...pet rodent was infested with parasites so she de-fleaed 'er mouse."
July 7, 2008
A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, " I am only going to sunbathe." The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato!
Have you ever seen ... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?
(a new twist on a story gone by)
July 4, 2008
Hooray, It's the 4th of July
When summer is this hot and dry
Iwish that I could be the guy
Who samples the boozeAnd sips foamy brews
And who rate's the froth of July
Gary Hallock
July 3, 2008 (We sell a braided Canada Day this passed weak end, so missed some, but we'll pick 'em up)
Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students,
et al. (E mailed from Punster of the Year 2005, Cynthia Mac Gregor)
June 30, 2008
JUNE 27, 2008
I know there aren't any tigers in Africa but you should do like a tiger would and settle your dispute in a civilized manner. Challenge your friend to a round of golf. Whoever sinks their ball in the deepest hole wins the Sudan depth play-off.
Gary Hallock
JUNE 25, 2008
A family joker is jest having fun with his elations.
The longest day, 2008
We're season the day we spring; summer going to fall and will be everywhere!
June 18, 2008
An owl developed laryngitis so he consulted his attorney to see about
filing a loss hoot. (Gary Hallock)
JUNE 16, 2008
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
June 13, 2008 (a Friday)
Hugh Prather said true humour is fun - it does not put down, kid, or mock. It makes people feel wonderful, not separate, different, and cut off. True humour has beneath it the understanding that we are all in this together.
(ed. Aren't there too many rules for the PUN-OFF?)
Happy Birthday Malorie
June 4, 2008
We are heir to this lung time member's breath of punditry.
Dear International Save The Pun Foundation
I am forwarding to you over the innernut, several randumb thoughts from my opun mined.
1. Necrophilia is not my ghoul in life!
2. Since my traumatic birth by forceps delivery, I have been suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.
3. Al Gore's brother Egore and I are both worried about the climate warming that could occur in the hereafter.
4. I find fat women obeastly.
From a long time meber and infrequent contributor,
Doc Charlie.
2008-01-17
(From Crosbie's Book of Punned Haiku)
"What a pear we'll be!
Lettuce marry. That's if you
Carrot all for me. "
2008-01-16
Fowl is a four letter "F" bird.
2008-01-15
My banker, who is an aphid gardner says,
"If you watch your peonies, your dahlias will look after themselves."
2008-01-14
A DOG POUND CAN BE CALLED A USED CUR LOT
2008-01-11
A birder had a mynah problem but with no egrets.
2008-01-10
The organic farmer said,
"I till it like it is!"
January 9, 2008
Real Estate sign that said,
"LOTS OF LUCK"
January 8, 2008
Sign on the gate of a nudist colony,
October 24, 2007
Rod, a fisherman, that's his reel name, was hooked on line when he took the bait to float a lone from a shark at The River Bank.
October 23, 2007
What do cannibals have for after dinner mints?
TIC TAC TOES
(food for thought from Neal Fitch)
October 22, 2007
Match makers like to strike up a light conversation.
(Once again, Ken Kramer heats up today's pun and lights up the party)
October 19, 2007
Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense. (waved Ken Kramer)October 18, 2007
Kenneth Cole is in the perfume business. When he was asked why, his reply was that it made cents.
October 16, 2007
Today I stepped in a mound of puppy poop!
I thought, "There's a movement afoot."
OCTOBER 12, 2007
Doc West shuns the music and 'The Ants are My Friends' are in a punderful celebration of song in a book by International Punsters of the Year, Richard Lederer and Stan Kegel.
October 11, 2007
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
OCTOBER 10, 2007
International Punsters of the Year, Richard Lederer and Stan Kegel have given us a PUNDERFUL celebration of Song. It's their new book,
"THE ANTS ARE MY FRIENDS"
Word play in tune with puns. Your copy is available on and after November 1st. Contact Kathleen Furore, kfurore@marionstreetpress.com Tell her you heard it from The International Save the Pun Foundation.
October 9, 2007
Here are the Yogi Berra quotes as spoken by one of America's favorite baseball players.
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October 5, 2007
Condemnation: A land devoid of S.T.D's
October 3, 2007 (not necessarily a pun, but phun with words)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with grandma and grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now grandma and grandpa live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but in it they all jump up and down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night--- early birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.
My grandma says that grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
OCTOBER 2, 2007
Marcel was quite gifted with poise.
His antics were one of life's joys.
He was truly a pro,
So I think we should show
Respect with a moment of noise.
Kirk Miller
OCTOBER 1 2007
Somewhere in the middle yeast after the unleaventh century a tall
structure began to rise. Because it was used to store wheat, the
emperor called it his Tower of Bagel. Unfortunately marauders kept
graining entrance to the structure and plundering his supply. That must
have been before he put lox on it.
Gary Hallock
This is YES TODAY'S FUN
MARCH 5, 2009Church Bulletins, from long time member, Frank Spain
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church personnel with typewriters.
These bulletins appeared in church notices or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
March 3, 2009
( 3*3=9) was known by some as square root day, but is only celebrated by radicals. They derive some pleasure from it and are quite calculated in their expressions.
Many of them carry calculators and arithmatic books which are known to be instruments of math instruction.
Some like to protest and carry a SINE, but under no circumstances do banks let them COSINE, its the LAW.
But now I'm off on a TANGENT.
Neal Fitch
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