PUNS FROM THE PASSED
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PUNS FROM THE PASSED
APRIL 23, 2008
-- Bob Dvorak says,
Given the rising numbers of computers, PDA's,
etc., found on boats, the owners of the local
marina wired it for computer access.
--------------------------------------------
It's a pier-to-pier network.
Their theme song is "This LAN is your LAN."
The network server is on the packet boat
down at the end.
In the marina there's an afficionado of
catamarans. He's on his fifth, named, of
course, CAT-5.
Most users have a docking PC.
Everything was going swimmingly until someone's
boat RAMmed the pier.
April 22, 2008
Jaunita Browne casted this story,
Guy #1: Hey, pal! How's your new pet fish doing? You told
me he was really something special.
Guy #2: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in
him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach
him to sing like a bird.
Guy #1: You bought a fish because you thought you could
teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!
Guy #2: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish.
Guy #1: I hate to tell you this, buddy, but while you
might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing,
you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot
fish.
Guy #2: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The
thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving
me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?
APRIL 18, 2008
A gob grabbed a tall sailor by the throat.
The navy called it a fight, started on the HIGH SEIZE?
APRIL 17, 2008
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
APRIL 16, 2008
Mikie Friedman said, "I saw a wonderful tee shirt on a waitress in a coffee shop yesterday. It gave these words of wisdom... 'relish today, ketchup tomorrow!' "
APRIL 3, 2008
AS THE PEOPLE LEAVING THE NUDIST COLONY SAID,
"WE WILL BE CLOTHED UNTIL APRIL 14."
March 31, 2008
What did the Language Professor wear when she went to the beach?
Why, a diphthong, of course!
(Margaret Pearson Pinkham)
(In memory of Hal Pearson, the original Pearson Punster)
MARCH 27, 2008
Abby Croughwell reports that a hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. There may be people inside, dancing in the stark.
MARCH 26, 2008
Irv Borchiver has a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow,
"My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America, and I married Marilyn Monroe!"
When the visitor asked what was going on, Irv replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."
March 25, 2008
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
1. "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
2. "Just don't do anything shocking"
3. "As long as you pay cash. We don't accept charges, at least at
the current time."
4. "I guess so. I checked your tab. And you're current."
5. "Just don't try to jump any of the girls."
6. Jjust keep positive."
7. "We can't serve cable. We use a satellite dish."
8. "I'm not going to serve you, obviously you're already wired!"
9. "This is a rough crowd, be careful you don't get jumped!"
10. "You're late... the booster club meeting was yesterday!"
11. "Fine, just don't be coupling in public, because if you arc,
other customers might find it to be an electrifying experience."
12. The bartender looks him over and says, "You don't look very
good." The cable answers, "I don't want to talk about it. I'm
terminally ill."
13. "Are you facing any battery charges?"
14. The barman says "Before I serve you, Are you Bipolar?
15. "You look really flat!"
(this all started by chasmuk@aol.com)
March 24, 2008
Carpet tacks - An extra fee charged on toll roads for vehicles containing
dogs or cats. (Gary Hallock)
MARCH 21, 2008
Question: What do the French think of Easter?
Answer: C'est une bonne idée!
The pun for today comes from John Shea. (Sorry force of rabbit)
March 20, 2008
You must not believe the business of fleas or the tock of ticks, it's all a flock of lice.
MARCH 19, 2008
My stock broker, he's not the only one, was loooking for ALP in this ROCKY economic range. He has made APPALACHIAN for a new position to climb. May he EVEREST on his past high regions and not KILAMANjaro.
MARCH 18, 2008
The market has given rise to some of the following thoughts and tips on .com oddities:
The price of oil is slipping.
Glue is sticking.
Silver is flat. (you may want to fork et about this)
Banks have gone down the river.
Gold is brilliant, as are diamonds.
Invest accordingly!
MARCH 17, 2008
Irish you all a Happy St. Patrick's Day. (says Jim Ertner)
March 15, 2008
With a name like "Bear Stearns" you might think these people would be
better at covering their assets.(Gary Hallock)
March 13, 2008
There's a story in the papers here about a Scotsman who married an
oyster, Clamentine. They had a girl who got a bit embarrassed by
telling that she was the daughter of an oyster, so now they refer to
her as Mother of Pearl. Privately he calls her his diving belle.
She doesn't go out much any more because although she has a hard
shell she's very soft centred. The daughter's a good businesswoman
and now runs a twine factory. She designed a new line, and they've
branded it String of Pearl's.
Joseph Harris
March 12, 2008
Up until now, Silda's and Eliot's favourite movie has been
"YOU ME AND DUPREE."
March 11, 2008
Kramer bought the gun to hunt for deer. He got more bang for the buck.
March 10, 2008
"The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."
- Jean Giradoux
March 8, 2008
This story, sent By David Hughes of U.K., involves a judge who was hearing an alimony case. He was known for the strict way he ran proceeedings, allowing no humour or other (in his opinion) wasted words. He ruled with a rod of iron and woe betide anyone who incurred his wrath. In the witness box was what we call a Mrs Mop type of woman, not very well educated or articulate and dressed in hair curlers and a pinnafore no less. A rather pompous barrister addressed her, thus. "Tell me Mrs. Smith", he intoned in la-de-dah tones, "What were the financial arrangements towards you regarding your ex husband?" The lady rambled on along the lines of, "Well let me see now... Ah... yes.. that's right... he was to make anus payments of of £1,0000.00". Of course the court wanted to laugh uproariously at the malapropism (she clearly meant 'Annual') but, knowing the judge's views on such frivolity, simply stuffed their collective hankerchieves into their mouth, shaking with necessarily silent merriment inthe process. However, either intentionally or otherwise, it was the judge himself who then lightened the atmosphere considerably by looking over his spectacles at the witness and declaring, "Mmmm, I've heard of the expression 'paying through the nose' but the arrangement you have described seems extraordinary".
MARCH 5, 2008
This actually happened to Johnny Q, believe it or not:
My wife, from whom I am now happily divorced, once asked,
"If I married somebody else without divorcing you, would that be bigamy?"
With an incredibly unusual presence of mind, I replied, "Yes, that would be very big of you".
Needless to add, my reply resulted in a dull, uncomprehending stare.
MARCH 4, 2008
(from the mind of the son of the 1990 Punster of the Year)
MARCH 3, 2008
For a fencer to admit that he's been foiled is a hard thing touche.
February 28, 2008
If you asked a group of Gynaecologists and Urologists their opinion on a subject,
could that be called SCROTUM POLL?
February 27, 2008
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
February 25, 2008
Juno, there will be blood when Daniel dazes Lewis and has you barred from no country for old men.
Marion cought a lot of 'o' scars when a little sparrow flew till the swan tin arrived.
February 22, 2008
February 20, 2008
If there were a new range of depilatory products specifically for women
who had given up shaving their legs for Lent,
could it be called the Easter Nair lines?
(Andrew Koenig)
February 18, 2008
The ant basketball team made a vow
To get better, but didn't know how.
No, it just wasn't right
To be lacking in height.
What they needed were tolerance, now.
-Kirk Miller-
February 14, 2008
He loved her very much.
He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, so he had ordered a
bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived
in time for the occasion.
On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to
have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to
his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and
had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.
In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer.
He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor
instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond
his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home.
When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown,
and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a
romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.
He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read,
"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with
fronds like these, who needs anemones."
(By Stan Kegel)
February 13, 2008
She lay on death's bed, then took a turn for the hearse.
February 12, 2008
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. - Ronald Reagan
February 11, 2008
When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.
(Ken Kramer keeps 'em rollin' in!)
February 8, 2008
Earning money would be fun if it wasn't so taxing.
(Stan Kegel, POTY 2000)
February 7, 2008
Visiting in Holland I really wanted to bring home a pair of
traditional Dutch clogs. Wooden shoe? (Gary Hallock)
February 5, 2008
Syman tells us of: Life Before The Computer:
- Memory was something you lost with age.
- An application was for employment.
- A program was a TV show.
- A cursor used profanity.
- A keyboard was a piano.
- A web was a spider's home.
- A virus was the flu.
- A CD was a bank account.
- A harddrive was a long road trip.
- A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
- And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy, you just hoped nobody found out.
February 4, 2008
February 03, 2008 | |||||||
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From Crosbie's Book of Punned Haiku:
Punning makes no cents;
You cannot survive on bread
And utter nonsense!
JANUARY 31, 2008
From the Pun American Newsletter-
A well-known chef bought several cases of carp. Endeavering to create
a new signature dish, he tried combining herbs and spices with
shortening but found that the cooking time had to be exact. So when
the chef received a phone call during the dinner hour, he had to cut
it short explaining,
"I left my carp in saffron Crisco."
January 30, 2008
Runaway lettuce truck leafs road and crashes into house, killing driver. The house's occupants can romaine, but the truck is chard. (Once again Ken tosses us a salad)
2008-01-29
Gardeners always know the ground rules. (Sow says Ken Kramer)
2008-01-25
Upon hearing the CEO of Krispy Creme Donuts was stepping down, someone exclaimed, "I love those donuts! How could anyone leave a job like that?"
I replied, "Perhaps there was a hole in his life that a donut couldn't fill."
Donut make you smile? Kay L. Houghan-Jones
2008-01-24
A good baker will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast he can do. And by so doing he'll get all the dough he kneads.
2008-01-23
Scene on a tombstone in a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent ...
Until I know which way you went.
2008-01-21
I picked up my new progressive lens glasses today.
I see they are spectacleur.
2008-01-18
From Stan Kegel-
Said a boy to his teacher one day,
"Wright has not written 'rite' right, I say."
And the teacher replied
As the error he eyed,
"Right write: Write 'rite' right, right away!"
2008-01-17
(From Crosbie's Book of Punned Haiku)
"What a pear we'll be!
Lettuce marry. That's if you
Carrot all for me. "
2008-01-16
Fowl is a four letter "F" bird.
2008-01-15
My banker, who is an aphid gardner says,
"If you watch your peonies, your dahlias will look after themselves."
2008-01-14
A DOG POUND CAN BE CALLED A USED CUR LOT
2008-01-11
A birder had a mynah problem but with no egrets.
2008-01-10
The organic farmer said,
"I till it like it is!"
January 9, 2008
Real Estate sign that said,
"LOTS OF LUCK"
January 8, 2008
Sign on the gate of a nudist colony,
"WE'RE NEVER CLOTHED"
January 7, 2008
Washington, DC (CNN) - A woman was arrested at Washington 's Dulles International Airport Thursday and was charged with possession of narcotics, after arriving on a flight from Columbia . The FBI said they discovered that she had nearly five and a half kilos of cocaine packed in each of her breast implants. A spokesman said they believed it was the world's biggest drug bust.
January 4, 2008
In Iowa all the hub bub is about the caucus. Why would they be so concerned with a quote from an angry crow? (inspired by Gary Hallock)
January 3, 2008
Happy 2008. The beginning of the 28th year of the Pundit, starts here. Your inpuns for outpuns is always welcome, all ways.
Norman Gilbert
Chairman of the Bored
The International Save the Pun Foundation
December 28, 2007
The stock market in Italy shows quotes in roamin' numerals.
December 27, 2008
He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.
December 26, 2007
There is a big sale on today for plastic surgery. It's called, "BOTOXING DAY"
DECEMBER 25, 2007
...as an international group we wish you all
| Afrikaans | Gesëende Kersfees |
| Afrikander | Een Plesierige Kerfees |
| African/ Eritrean/ Tigrinja | Rehus-Beal-Ledeats |
| Albanian | Gezur Krislinjden |
| Arabic: | Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah |
| Argentine: | Feliz Navidad |
| Armenian: | Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand |
| Azeri: | Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun |
| Bahasa Malaysia: | Selamat Hari Natal |
| Basque: | Zorionak eta Urte Berri On! |
| Bengali: | Shuvo Naba Barsha |
| Bohemian: | Vesele Vanoce |
| Brazilian: | Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo |
| Breton: | Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat |
| Bulgarian: | Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo |
| Catalan: | Bon Nadal i un Bon Any Nou! |
| Chile: | Feliz Navidad |
| Chinese: (Cantonese) | Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun |
| Chinese: (Mandarin) | Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan |
| Choctaw: | Yukpa, Nitak Hollo Chito |
| Columbia: | Feliz Navidad y Próspero Año Nuevo |
| Cornish: | Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth |
| Corsian: | Pace e salute |
| Crazanian: | Rot Yikji Dol La Roo |
| Cree: | Mitho Makosi Kesikansi |
| Croatian: | Sretan Bozic |
| Czech: | Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok |
| Danish: | Glædelig Jul |
| Duri: | Christmas-e- Shoma Mobarak |
| Dutch: | Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar! or Zalig Kerstfeast |
| English: | Merry Christmas |
| Eskimo: (inupik) | Jutdlime pivdluarit ukiortame pivdluaritlo! |
| Esperanto: | Gajan Kristnaskon |
| Estonian: | Ruumsaid juulup|hi |
| Faeroese: | Gledhilig jol og eydnurikt nyggjar! |
| Farsi: | Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad |
| Finnish: | Hyvaa joulua |
| Flemish: | Zalig Kerstfeest en Gelukkig nieuw jaar |
| French: | Joyeux Noel |
| Frisian: | Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier! |
| Galician: | Bo Nada |
| Gaelic: | Nollaig chridheil agus Bliadhna mhath ùr! |
| German: | Froehliche Weihnachten |
| Greek: | Kala Christouyenna! |
| Hausa: | Barka da Kirsimatikuma Barka da Sabuwar Shekara! |
| Hawaiian: | Mele Kalikimaka |
| Hebrew: | Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova |
| Hindi: | Shub Naya Baras |
| Hausa: | Barka da Kirsimatikuma Barka da Sabuwar Shekara! |
| Hawaian: | Mele Kalikimaka ame Hauoli Makahiki Hou! |
| Hungarian: | Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket |
| Icelandic: | Gledileg Jol |
| Indonesian: | Selamat Hari Natal |
| Iraqi: | Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah |
| Irish: | Nollaig Shona Dhuit or Nodlaig mhaith chugnat |
| Iroquois: | Ojenyunyat Sungwiyadeson honungradon nagwutut. Ojenyunyat osrasay. |
| Italian: | Buone Feste Natalizie |
| Japanese: | Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto |
| Jiberish: | Mithag Crithagsigathmithags |
| Korean: | Sung Tan Chuk Ha |
| Latin: | Natale hilare et Annum Faustum! |
| Latvian: | Prieci'gus Ziemsve'tkus un Laimi'gu Jauno Gadu! |
| Lausitzian: | Wjesole hody a strowe nowe leto |
| Lettish: | Priecigus Ziemassvetkus |
| Lithuanian: | Linksmu Kaledu |
| Low Saxon: | Heughliche Winachten un 'n moi Nijaar |
| Macedonian: | Sreken Bozhik |
| Maltese: | IL-Milied It-tajjeb |
| Manx: | Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa |
| Maori: | Meri Kirihimete |
| Marathi: | Shub Naya Varsh |
| Navajo: | Merry Keshmish |
| Norwegian: | God Jul or Gledelig Jul |
| Occitan: | Pulit nadal e bona annado |
| Papiamento: | Bon Pasco |
| Papua New Guinea: | Bikpela hamamas blong dispela Krismas na Nupela yia i go long yu |
| Pennsylvania German: | En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr! |
| Peru: | Feliz Navidad y un Venturoso Año Nuevo |
| Philipines: | Maligayan Pasko! |
| Polish: | Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia or Boze Narodzenie |
| Portuguese: | Feliz Natal |
| Pushto: | Christmas Aao Ne-way Kaal Mo Mobarak Sha |
| Rapa-Nui (Easter Island): | Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua |
| Rhetian: | Bellas festas da nadal e bun onn |
| Romanche (sursilvan dialect): | Legreivlas fiastas da Nadal e bien niev onn! |
| Rumanian: | Sarbatori vesele |
| Russian: | Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is Novim Godom |
| Sami: | Buorrit Juovllat |
| Samoan: | La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou |
| Sardinian: | Bonu nadale e prosperu annu nou |
| Serbian: | Hristos se rodi |
| Slovakian: | Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce |
| Sami: | Buorrit Juovllat |
| Samoan: | La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou |
| Scots Gaelic: | Nollaig chridheil huibh |
| Serb-Croatian: | Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina |
| Serbian: | Hristos se rodi. |
| Singhalese: | Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa |
| Slovak: | Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok |
| Slovene: | Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto |
| Spanish: | Feliz Navidad |
| Swedish: | God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt År |
| Tagalog: | Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon |
| Tami: | Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal |
| Trukeese: | (Micronesian) Neekiriisimas annim oo iyer seefe feyiyeech! |
| Thai: | Sawadee Pee Mai |
| Turkish: | Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun |
| Ukrainian: | Srozhdestvom Kristovym |
| Urdu: | Naya Saal Mubarak Ho |
| Vietnamese: | Chung Mung Giang Sinh |
| Welsh: | Nadolig Llawen |
| Yugoslavian: | Cestitamo Bozic |
| Yoruba: | E ku odun, e ku iye'dun!
|
It's Christmas: -From Stan Kegel-
At the Typical Christmas Dinner...
Mom is always yelling, "Get out of my kitchen!"
Dad is always yelling, "Get out of my way! I can't see the TV!"
The grown kids are always yelling at their offspring.
"Stop running! You'll break Grandma's furniture!"
The little ones are yelling, "It'is my toy, MINE! Let me play with
it!"
This is why this time of year is known as the "Holler Day Season."
DECEMBER 21, 2007
Parody: Politically Correct Twelve Days of Christmas....by "Gil Ross"
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in theirunion
contract even though they will not be asked to play a note).
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling
class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from
enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front
threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French
hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid
further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package hasbeen revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
December 20, 2007
These Carols were seen on a list of songs to be sung in the KARAOKE lounge at the local mental hospital.
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.
PASSIVE‑AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
OBSESSIVE‑COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell ............ (better start again)
December 19, 2007
There was a glitch in space that stopped the progress of the 'punpun...' and now the glitz and glamour will be continued as though nothing had happened, even though it did.
December 17, 2007
The mini glitch is still here!!
Match makers like to strike up a light conversation.
(Once again, Ken Kramer heats up today's pun and lights up the party)
DECEMBER 13, 2007
A HOLIDAY EXERCISE PROGRAMME
TAKE ONE WEETABIX.
TAKE ONE AREO BAR.
CRUMBLE THE AERO BAR OVER THE WEETABIX
VOILA ! AEROBIX !
DECEMBER 12, 2007
These are Holiday greetings from Frank and Ernest, THAVES/DIST by NEA.inc.
The furniture mover says, "HAPPY HAULIDAYS"
The chef says, "HAPPY HOLLANDAISE"
The excercise fanatic says, "MERRY FITNESS"
and to end, "HAPPY NEW REAR"
DECEMBER 11, 2007
Make out your CHOPIN LISZT early before DEBUSSY season when you have time to check out VERDI good bargains and can still get gifts FAURE good prices, not to have to HANDEL large crowds and still have time to give BACH things you decide you don't want. (the holiday season begins)
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