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PUNS FROM THE PASSED PunPunPun.com > PUNS FROM THE PASSED PUNS FROM THE PASSED APRIL 23, 2008 -- Bob Dvorak says, Given the rising numbers of computers, PDA's, April 22, 2008 Jaunita Browne casted this story, Guy #1: Hey, pal! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special. Guy #2: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird. Guy #1: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it! Guy #2: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish. Guy #1: I hate to tell you this, buddy, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish. Guy #2: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?
APRIL 18, 2008 A gob grabbed a tall sailor by the throat. The navy called it a fight, started on the HIGH SEIZE?
APRIL 17, 2008 Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
APRIL 16, 2008 Mikie Friedman said, "I saw a wonderful tee shirt on a waitress in a coffee shop yesterday. It gave these words of wisdom... 'relish today, ketchup tomorrow!' " APRIL 3, 2008 AS THE PEOPLE LEAVING THE NUDIST COLONY SAID, "WE WILL BE CLOTHED UNTIL APRIL 14." March 31, 2008 What did the Language Professor wear when she went to the beach?
MARCH 27, 2008 Abby Croughwell reports that a hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. There may be people inside, dancing in the stark. MARCH 26, 2008 Irv Borchiver has a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America, and I married Marilyn Monroe!" When the visitor asked what was going on, Irv replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."
March 25, 2008 A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
(this all started by chasmuk@aol.com) March 24, 2008 Carpet tacks - An extra fee charged on toll roads for vehicles containing MARCH 21, 2008 Question: What do the French think of Easter? Answer: C'est une bonne idée! The pun for today comes from John Shea. (Sorry force of rabbit) March 20, 2008 You must not believe the business of fleas or the tock of ticks, it's all a flock of lice. MARCH 19, 2008 My stock broker, he's not the only one, was loooking for ALP in this ROCKY economic range. He has made APPALACHIAN for a new position to climb. May he EVEREST on his past high regions and not KILAMANjaro.
MARCH 18, 2008 The market has given rise to some of the following thoughts and tips on .com oddities: The price of oil is slipping. Glue is sticking. Silver is flat. (you may want to fork et about this) Banks have gone down the river. Gold is brilliant, as are diamonds. Invest accordingly! MARCH 17, 2008 Irish you all a Happy St. Patrick's Day. (says Jim Ertner)
March 15, 2008 With a name like "Bear Stearns" you might think these people would be
March 13, 2008 There's a story in the papers here about a Scotsman who married an
March 12, 2008 Up until now, Silda's and Eliot's favourite movie has been "YOU ME AND DUPREE." March 11, 2008 Kramer bought the gun to hunt for deer. He got more bang for the buck. March 10, 2008 "The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made." March 8, 2008 This story, sent By David Hughes of U.K., involves a judge who was hearing an alimony case. He was known for the strict way he ran proceeedings, allowing no humour or other (in his opinion) wasted words. He ruled with a rod of iron and woe betide anyone who incurred his wrath. In the witness box was what we call a Mrs Mop type of woman, not very well educated or articulate and dressed in hair curlers and a pinnafore no less. A rather pompous barrister addressed her, thus. "Tell me Mrs. Smith", he intoned in la-de-dah tones, "What were the financial arrangements towards you regarding your ex husband?" The lady rambled on along the lines of, "Well let me see now... Ah... yes.. that's right... he was to make anus payments of of £1,0000.00". Of course the court wanted to laugh uproariously at the malapropism (she clearly meant 'Annual') but, knowing the judge's views on such frivolity, simply stuffed their collective hankerchieves into their mouth, shaking with necessarily silent merriment inthe process. However, either intentionally or otherwise, it was the judge himself who then lightened the atmosphere considerably by looking over his spectacles at the witness and declaring, "Mmmm, I've heard of the expression 'paying through the nose' but the arrangement you have described seems extraordinary". MARCH 5, 2008 This actually happened to Johnny Q, believe it or not: MARCH 4, 2008 (from the mind of the son of the 1990 Punster of the Year)
MARCH 3, 2008 For a fencer to admit that he's been foiled is a hard thing touche. February 28, 2008 If you asked a group of Gynaecologists and Urologists their opinion on a subject, could that be called SCROTUM POLL? February 27, 2008 He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. February 25, 2008 Juno, there will be blood when Daniel dazes Lewis and has you barred from no country for old men. Marion cought a lot of 'o' scars when a little sparrow flew till the swan tin arrived.
February 22, 2008
February 20, 2008 If there were a new range of depilatory products specifically for women who had given up shaving their legs for Lent, could it be called the Easter Nair lines? (Andrew Koenig)
February 18, 2008 The ant basketball team made a vow
February 14, 2008 He loved her very much. (By Stan Kegel)
February 13, 2008 She lay on death's bed, then took a turn for the hearse. February 12, 2008 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. - Ronald Reagan
February 11, 2008 When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution. (Ken Kramer keeps 'em rollin' in!)
February 8, 2008 Earning money would be fun if it wasn't so taxing. (Stan Kegel, POTY 2000) February 7, 2008 Visiting in Holland I really wanted to bring home a pair of
February 5, 2008 Syman tells us of: Life Before The Computer: February 4, 2008
From Crosbie's Book of Punned Haiku: Punning makes no cents; You cannot survive on bread And utter nonsense!
JANUARY 31, 2008 From the Pun American Newsletter-
Runaway lettuce truck leafs road and crashes into house, killing driver. The house's occupants can romaine, but the truck is chard. (Once again Ken tosses us a salad) 2008-01-29 Gardeners always know the ground rules. (Sow says Ken Kramer) 2008-01-25 Upon hearing the CEO of Krispy Creme Donuts was stepping down, someone exclaimed, "I love those donuts! How could anyone leave a job like that?" I replied, "Perhaps there was a hole in his life that a donut couldn't fill." Donut make you smile? Kay L. Houghan-Jones 2008-01-24 A good baker will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast he can do. And by so doing he'll get all the dough he kneads. 2008-01-23 Scene on a tombstone in a cemetery in England : Remember man, as you walk by, To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
2008-01-21 I picked up my new progressive lens glasses today. I see they are spectacleur. 2008-01-18 From Stan Kegel- 2008-01-17 (From Crosbie's Book of Punned Haiku) "What a pear we'll be! Lettuce marry. That's if you Carrot all for me. " 2008-01-16 Fowl is a four letter "F" bird. 2008-01-15 My banker, who is an aphid gardner says, "If you watch your peonies, your dahlias will look after themselves." 2008-01-14 A DOG POUND CAN BE CALLED A USED CUR LOT 2008-01-11 A birder had a mynah problem but with no egrets. 2008-01-10 The organic farmer said, "I till it like it is!" January 9, 2008 Real Estate sign that said, "LOTS OF LUCK" January 8, 2008 Sign on the gate of a nudist colony, "WE'RE NEVER CLOTHED" January 7, 2008 Washington, DC (CNN) - A woman was arrested at Washington 's Dulles International Airport Thursday and was charged with possession of narcotics, after arriving on a flight from Columbia . The FBI said they discovered that she had nearly five and a half kilos of cocaine packed in each of her breast implants. A spokesman said they believed it was the world's biggest drug bust. January 4, 2008 In Iowa all the hub bub is about the caucus. Why would they be so concerned with a quote from an angry crow? (inspired by Gary Hallock) January 3, 2008 Happy 2008. The beginning of the 28th year of the Pundit, starts here. Your inpuns for outpuns is always welcome, all ways. Norman Gilbert
December 28, 2007 The stock market in Italy shows quotes in roamin' numerals. December 27, 2008 He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey. December 26, 2007 There is a big sale on today for plastic surgery. It's called, "BOTOXING DAY" DECEMBER 25, 2007 ...as an international group we wish you all
It's Christmas: -From Stan Kegel-
DECEMBER 21, 2007 Parody: Politically Correct Twelve Days of Christmas....by "Gil Ross" December 20, 2007 These Carols were seen on a list of songs to be sung in the KARAOKE lounge at the local mental hospital. SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas. NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me. MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why. PASSIVE‑AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. OBSESSIVE‑COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell ............ (better start again) December 19, 2007 There was a glitch in space that stopped the progress of the 'punpun...' and now the glitz and glamour will be continued as though nothing had happened, even though it did. December 17, 2007 The mini glitch is still here!! Match makers like to strike up a light conversation. (Once again, Ken Kramer heats up today's pun and lights up the party) DECEMBER 13, 2007 A HOLIDAY EXERCISE PROGRAMME TAKE ONE WEETABIX. TAKE ONE AREO BAR. CRUMBLE THE AERO BAR OVER THE WEETABIX VOILA ! AEROBIX ! DECEMBER 12, 2007 These are Holiday greetings from Frank and Ernest, THAVES/DIST by NEA.inc. The furniture mover says, "HAPPY HAULIDAYS" The chef says, "HAPPY HOLLANDAISE" The excercise fanatic says, "MERRY FITNESS" and to end, "HAPPY NEW REAR" DECEMBER 11, 2007 Make out your CHOPIN LISZT early before DEBUSSY season when you have time to check out VERDI good bargains and can still get gifts FAURE good prices, not to have to HANDEL large crowds and still have time to give BACH things you decide you don't want. (the holiday season begins)
To get the monthly newsletter of the oldest apocryphal foundation in this world of wordplay, send an e mail to punpunpun@rogers.com say, "I want to be a member" and you will be.
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