Norman in the rough

Norman in the rough
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Synopsis

NORMAN IN THE ROUGH is a half hour TV show that reminds us of DAVE ALLEN AT LARGE. Norman tells us jokes and other jokes are acted out by the cast. Unlike Dave Allen the jokes are not told from a stage but from a golf course.

Norman is a retired gentelman who loves golf and telling jokes and is living with his kind, inquisitive senile wife.

NORMAN IN THE ROUGH

On the first tea

Scene opens: Norman disheveled, just woke up, at the kitchen table having his first cup of tea.

Norman: "Hello fellow links lovers, here I am on the first tea. I usually have coffee, this is the woman's tea. Woman!! your tea is getting cold so I am drinking it and there is no more coffee!"

Woman: "O.K. Harold, no problem, I can make another, when you go shopping pick up some coffee."

Norman: "O.k. dear, my name is Norman by the way. (looks at camera)The Doctor said she is a little senile, I think she is a little sea Atlantic. She's got the memory of a child who's explaining how the lamp got broken. Lucky for me because she thinks I am out shopping and doing chores everyday while I am really out in the rough, clubbin' if you will. On the fringe, doin' my part, chippin'in, drivin' around. It reminds me of a time, it seems like just yesterday, oh no, it was Thursday. Me and a couple of the fellas' asked a lone golfer if he would like to join us. "to what he replied" Anyway, if there are three of you and you ask another to join and he denies, you can't forthem. Say that without lithping and you got something.

(holds up tea, then holds up toast)"here is a toast to great stories on the course of life. But of course."

A drunk walks goes into a bar and says: "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.

Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink.""

One minute moment:

Man:Sit Dog:scram Man:sit dog:scram

(Scene opens with Norman on the golf course man under golf cart, norm sipping beer, golf announcer in background with mini Karaoke )

Norman: "Do you need the hoist?"

Grease Monkey: "No I think I got it. Your header needs borring."

Norman: I can't have any more borring on this show."

Golf announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen. Norman, after driving his eleventh shot into the other rough carelessly drove into the rough with his new 'Chevy golf cart' and may have to walk the rest of the course, Norman has remained cool and has stated that he usually does not depend on the cart so walking would be par for the course, not the usual seventy-two. Oh my here comes the cops! It looks they are going to play gay-cop hererosexual-cop. I hope Norm has his insurance and ownership."

Gay cop: Hey, what the hell?

Heterosexual cop: "Ya, we're gonna' have to tow this cart."

Gay cop: "Ohh I love it when you get aggressive!!"

Heterosexual cop: "Easy Frankie. Listen, I won't write you up, you let us play through."

Norman: "That depends, what is your handicap?"

Gay cop: (pulls out visor) "This is my little handicap and I tell ya when that sun is beating down, ohhh I love those two words, anyway when the sun is out, my handy cap is on."

Norman: (looks at camera)

Golf announcer: We may need a ruling on this.

ONE MINUTE MOMENT

Park there! Park there! Park there!

Next segment:(back on the course with Norm)

A guy and a girl meet at a bar ...

They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place .....

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands ....

He then takes off his pants and washes his hands ....

So the girl looks at him and says:
'You must be a dentist!'

The guy all surprised says 'Yes ... how did you figure that out ?'

The girl says: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands' ....

One thing led to another ...

They make love ...

After they were done, the girl says: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!' ...

The guy was very very surprised, he says: 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'

The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing' ....

( Norm's cell phone rings during a shot in the rough)

Golf announcer: Norm has a great lie here. Lets see how he does with it.

Norman: Hello? Hi Honey.... No not Harold, it's Norman, your husband, yup, just shopping away, whoooo, it is real crowded at the grocery store today.

Golf announcer: I can't believe with that lie how well he did. Most people would have just laid up, taken a stroke, not Norm. This guy is good.

Norman: I had a judge marry me, I should have gotten a jury. ( we go to our pearly gates joke, another running gag but it is Bill Gates at the pearly gates every time).....................we act out joke..................................................................................................................

Norman: (Closing lines) (Norman at the cart repair behind the clubhouse sitting with other guys waiting for his cart to be fixed) " I should have never bought a cart, I should have rented, what was I thinking."

Jokes to be picked

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo and, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills off brain cells. Naturally, the alcohol attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. As a result, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more

efficient machine....

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he returns to the bar and orders three more pints.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it... It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.

The Irishman soon becomes a regular in the bar, always ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.

One day, though, the Irishman approaches the bartender and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice this and fall silent. When the Irishman returns to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.

A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"

The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."

And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'

"What's it say?" asks the bartender.

The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, I've got a sore ass, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc ?"

The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking."

"Fair enough," replied the lush. "I'll come back when you sober up."

My god! What happened to you ?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised."He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand ?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager ?" she asks, softly stroking his face,with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me ? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused."Is there anything I can do ?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."