ACT l

 Scene 1    A  fish Pond.

Joe, a musician just released from Sing-Sing went fishing one morning.  By evening he still had no fish, so he walked a few meters closer to the water, hoping to catch some bass soon.  Unfortunately he fell into the pond and got tangled in the reeds.  A passing lawyer saw him, and wanting to drum up some business, flute to his rescue.  Joe thanked him, but when the lawyer tried to sound him out about a lawsuit, Joe was furioso.  "Euphony! Don't triad again!"

Scene 2    A doctor's office.

Joe was beat after this experience and went to see his doctor.  Since he arrived during surgery hours, he had to wait till cut time was over.  When he finale got seen, the doctor told him he had a staff infection.  Joe was given a transcription and sent to the hospital.  There were no beds available so Joe stayed at a nearby motet.  It was a seedy place - - a reel vile inn.  Joe got into a fugue over a game of billiards and was hit with acoustic.

Scene 3    A week later.

After a week, Joe felt no better and was beginning to think the doctor was just stringing him along.  He went back and harped on this until the doctor reexamined Joe.  He found a fractured trom bone.  His conscience, trebled by his mistake, the doctor said that although he would have to charge Joe, he would piccolo price.  Gratefully, Joe tipped his capo to him as a cymbal of his respect.

As Joe was leaving, the doctor's daughter Tina waltzed in holding an infant.  What a cute baby," trilled Joe, "is it a Gurlitt?"  "No," said the doctor, "It's a Son a Tina."  Joe liked Tina, and was Chopin at the bit to take her to a pub and engage in some Bartok.

Scene 4    The Etude Bar.

They went to one around the Bloch, where Joe ordered a bowl of cello and asparagus with polonaise sauce.  Tina had a baked brio and a lieder of gin augmented by a supertonic.

As they ate, Tina gave him an invitation to the dance next March in the nation's capital.  "D.C. is fine," she told him, "I could Handel going Bach there during Lento."  "I'd like to accompany you, but what about your husband?" Joe asked.  "Oh he was down a coal shaft when the roof caved in, and now he's a flat minor," she replied.  "Don't fret d major thing is for you to be happy," said Joe in a leading tone.  "Would you like to go to the gallery where the Three Stooges have their pictures at an exhibition? I really enjoy Moe's Art."

Afterwards, we can go to a concert, Tina."  "Just a minuet," Tina said, "before you make any overtures I want to know more about you."  He told her is forte was sales - - his first job was pedaling pianos.

At first he didn't sell many, but then he altered his pitch and did quite well.  For a while he duplicated autographs but in time his signature deteriorated.

He had once marketed a handbag made of catgut, "And boy did that Purcell!" he said.

Joe's last gig was as a Barber, but he couldn't charge enough to make much harmony.  By this time Tina had drunk so much she had trouble pronouncing her consonance.  "You theme like a sharp guy," she said, "where have you been Haydn all my life?"  They finished eating, but there were leftovers, so Tina took bacarolle to her father.  Joe left a doloroso tip for the waiter.

ACT ll.

Scene 1    On the high sea.

The next day, Joe picked up Tina in his Tempo and they went sailing rondo Key Largo.  Joe caught a major tune that tipped the scales at 440 pounds.  This made Tina arpeggiate him even more.  "You're a natural!  Maybe next  you'll Katchaturian!" she exclaimed.  Joe dove into the Debussy but lost his balance and Diabelli flop.    They went swimming off a sand bar and, for good measure, floated on some inner tubas.  A large yacht went by blowing its horn.  On board were several men and one woman wearing only a G-string.  Tina had been drinking molto liquor and muttered: "Just look guitar, that trumpet.  I'll bet all the man had a partita her."  "Don't put on airs," said Joe, "she might be a classy gal and besides, our moto just baroque."  The people on the yacht threw Joe oboe line.  He got a fermata grip on it and the yacht towed them back to Port Omento.  Joe sent their rescuers a fifth of Scotch with a thank you note tied to a stringendo.

Scene 2    Joe's basement.

When Joe got home he wanted to rest, so he went to his study and put his feet up on the cadenza.  Meanwhile, his son Dorian mode the lawn.  Dorian's legato caught in the mower and his pants were ripped off.  He was scherzo of what his father would say.  He felt like jumping off a clef.  But today he felt bravo and hesitated only briefly.  After an interval of a second, Dorian went in and with a tremolo in his voice, told his father what happened.  "I'm not going to get mad at you," said Joe, "it's against my coda ethics.  I just wish you'd conduct yourself with more dignity."

Just then Tina came in, feeling real upbeat, and she and Joe went for a drive with Joe's psychotic neighbour Brannock.  Brannock was a lousy driver, and nearly had an accidental when he floored the accelerando and strayed into the mediant.  At one point, they got lost, but Joe spied a landmark and cried "Nock, turn right!"  When they got back Brannock asked Joe, "Can I be Franck?  I have something to Telemann -- I am very attracted to Tina."  At first Joe tried to console him.  "Get a Holst of yourself!  I won't stand for a triangle.  Break this romantic chord and let your crescendo."  "I don't know if I can duet," sobbed Brannock.  "In that case," Joe replied, "take your delusions and stick Diminuendo.

"I'm going to black Liszt you!  Now, Schumann, before I Rameau my fist down your throat!"  Brannock turned Scarlatti and ran off to be sick in his comodo.

FINALE

Joe and Tina got married, had triplets (the rhythm method can be very unreliable) and settled in twin apartments with Bongo, a basset horn.  That would be the end of the story but their landlady, Sara had a Siamese kitten, and would get upset when Bongo chased staccato.  Pretty soon she got tired of Bongo, who would Offenbach in the night, and Sara banned Joe from the double flats.  He and Tina moved out of the aria and lived happily ever after with two minor relatives, her Uncle andante.

Opus Done

A Sympuny, by Anita Moravic Gard, April 1995.