The Pundit

 

The official newsletter of

 

THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE

THE PUN FOUNDATION

January 2002

 

 

Each year in France they hold the Cannes Film Festival and the top prize is the Palme dOr. Well, I propose a film festival about war movies held in Afghanistan in the interest of economic development for that country. They can hold it in Cannes‑dahar and roll out the red carpet bomb for all of the celebrities attending the festivities. The top prize awarded, of course, would be the Napalme d'Or. And I am sure some of the movies would really bomb but for the most part it would be a real blast and probably play to a shell out crowd. Later on when these war movies are released in theaters they will all be approved for general audiences. If you happen to miss these movies at the theater you might be able to catch them later on Kabul. Tiff Wimberly.

 

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Examples from W. H. Mittins, A Grammar of Modem English, 1962). (Sent to us by Dave Tozier L.M.)

 

The only spectators were a woman carrying a small child and a large policeman...

 

We saw the Eiffel Tower flying from London to Paris...

 

A sailor was dancing with a wooden leg...

 

Bus on Fire! Passengers Alight...

 

The airship was about to leave the airport. The last person to go up the gangway was Miss Hemming. Slowly her huge nose turned into the wind. Then, like some enormous beast, she crawled along the grass."

 

Terri asked her Sunday school class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. " But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius ‑ the Pilot."

 

000

 

A church custodian must mind his keys and pews.

(prayed Douglas Helsel)

 

I heard that Aunt Jemima eloped with Oscar

Meyer. They took each other for batter and for

wurst. (Yours to digest Norm Stevenson)

 

Poached eggs ‑ breakfast served on the veranda (Allen

Warren)

 

000

 

FIRST DAY ON THE JOB

The new nurse listened while Dr. Bryce was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" She asked, "Why is he doing that?" "He just likes to call the shots around here." Dave Tozier replied.

 

(DO@

 

The little girl's visiting aunt said to her, "You're pretty dirty, aren't you?" Yes," the little girl said. "But I'm even prettier clean!" (Marvin Sanderford)

 

Would you know? If 'Nsync appeared in drag would they be kitsch'nsync ? Is a Mac on the web referred to as apple cyber?

 

... And continuing with Richard's Anguished English accounts, Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

Let's face it ‑ English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;

neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

  English muffins weren't invented in England or

French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which

aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its

  paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,

  boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither

from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't

  fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of

booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One

index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but

not one amend, that you can comb through annals of

  history but not a single annal?

  f you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of

either one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a

humanitarian eat?

  By the way, how can a slim chance and a fat chance

be the same.

While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while

  quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and

cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things

  only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful

  gown?

  Or met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was

  combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?

And where are all those people who ARE spring

  chickens

  Or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

   There did the beauty who was OUT OF THIS

WORLD go?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a

 

language, in which your house can bum up as it

bums down,

In which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in

which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and

it reflects the creativity of the human race (which,

of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible.

However, when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when

I wind up this essay, I end it?

And lastly, why do we have to hit the START

button first to STOP running'Windows 98'!!?!

 

Executing Director Gary Hallock executes this high cue in the game of word play.

 

Dark horseman gallops His lance skewers sausage links It's my wurst knight mare.

 

... and then loops into these,

 

WHAT'S A LONG NECK DRAFT?

Africa seed chicken is stewed in gravy.

In gravy your wedding invitations if you want to

impress.

An impress is the leader of a foreign land.

Foreign a Land Rover is too cramped to be

comfortable.

"I comfortable," said the butcher to the rancher.

Try to rancher self an apartment in a nice building.

An ice building would have frosty windows.

When dose windows are left open, you'll feel a

draft.

A draft is a long necked animal from Africa.

 

WHO DRAWS BRIDGES?

Draw bridges cross the moat in front of a fortress. Fortress passes, we hope the lord will forgive us. Gibbous is a phase of the moon. The phase of the moon sometimes has two cheeks. Two cheeks at once is every guy's fantasy. In fantasy is the time when a baby is very dependant. Dependant hangs from a necklace. Jack Necklace one of those famous golf pros. Golf prose is more boring than poetry. A Poe tree grew in Edgar Allan's back yard. Back yard's a brand of rum.

 

Is a promo for a Broadway play a scriptease? Is a shark on a scale a great white weigh?

(Norm Stevenson)

 

(ZD(D@

 

Scene in the dictionerry: Heroes \hee‑rhos~ What a guy in a boat does.

 

Left Bank \Ieft'bangkN What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

 

Parasites \par~‑ih‑sitesN What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

 

Pharmacist \farm‑uh‑sist\ A helper on the farm.

 

Polarize \po'‑Iur‑izeN What penguins see with

 

Primate \pri'_mate~ Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

 

Relief \ree‑leefN What trees do in the spring.

 

Selfish \seF‑fish~ What the owner of a seafood store does.

 

Subdued \sub‑doodN Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

 

Sudafed \sood~‑a‑fed~ Brought litigation against a government official.

 

Cynthia MacGregor adds to this list of random daffynitions via PUNY list

 

Lambshades ‑ sunglasses for young sheep.

 

Ickyologist ‑ one who studies rotting fish.

 

Herpetologist ‑ one who studies the domesticated animal belonging to the lady of the house.

 

Impeach ‑ a pixie fruit.

 

Marinate ‑ to wed Nathan.

 

Arboreal ‑ where grapes grow, genuine.

 

Marigold ‑ wed for money.

 

Kangaroo ‑ garoo that has been preserved in a tin.

 

Amphetamine ‑ I'm an overweight Italian male

 

Hemisphere ‑ that which frightens a particular pork product.

 

Operation ‑ your fair share of the show in which most of the action takes place through singing.

 

... and a phew more,

 

Hospital Gown: Ward robe. (Robert Meyers

 

High heels: Arch enemies (Robert Meyers)

 

]Inheritance: Will‑gotten gains (Robert Meyers)

 

Cleavage: Something you can look down on and approve of at the same time. (Biker Lynn)

 

Seersucker: Someone who spends a lot of money on fortune tellers. (Michael Driscoll)

 

More vagaries of the English Language... as reported by Richard Lederer in "ANGUISHED ENGLISH. What could be verse than this?

 

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes. But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes. The one fowl is goose, but two are called geese. Yet the plural of moose, should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest of mice. But the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot, and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose. When we say brother, we say brethren. But though we may say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him, But imagine the feminine, she, shis, and shim. So, English I fancy you will agree is the craziest language that you ever did see.