The Pundit

The official newsletter of  

THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE THE PUN FOUNDATION

 

Volume 23 February 2002

 

Here are some updates regarding the staff at the home office of the ISTPF. Tymtu Reenu has decided that it is time to retire and so, Ed Smeaghan will be contacting you at the time of the renewal of your membership. Please join me in offering Ed our best wishes for success and enduring relationships with the Pundit. Too, Jim Hilborn has asked to be relieved of his duties as 'publisher.' He has been a long time member of the staff and we have asked him to stay on as Damaging Director. So, with Gary Hallock as the Executing Director and Jim as the Damaging Director we can director energies to saving the pun. Here are the savees for February 2002.

 

We begin in the halls of Hallock.

 

To squeeze from a word something funny Is sweet, an ambrosia like honey Good paronomasia A rich reward pays ya But seldom brings in any money.

 

I heard from one of my rumors that the roof of our boarding house was about to collapse. Just yesterday I overheard eavesdropping. It's probably because the walls are so thin.

 

Osama Bin Laden's accountant suggested that he invest a few million dollars in reinforcing his cave network because if he's still alive on April 15 he might need attack shelter.

 

I have a friend who got a job installing kitchen cabinets. He's not a real cabinetmaker; he's just a counter fitter.

 

He wanted to join the police department so he could book cases but I told him he should probably just join a shelf help group.

 

What did the Pink Panther's wife say when he returned home after midnight? Why do you always come insulate?

 

How do you suppose they came up with the idea for plywood? Probably by the process of lamination. When the inventor went to the patent office to register his invention, do you think he had two‑ply for it?

 

Also I'm often wondering certain Indian tribes might be able to use it to make Sioux veneers?

 

I've heard of "hen's teeth" and I've heard of "frog fur" but this is the first time I've ever heard of "Black hawk Down."

Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.) the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbeetarianism (n.) The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. Pokemon (n) A Jamaican proctologist.

 

The Washington Post's Style invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some those winners:

 

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax

refund; it lasts until you realize it was your

money to start with.

Reintamation: Coming back to life as a

hillbilly.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house,

which renders the subject financially

impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray‑painted very,

very, high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of

sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get

it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously

when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopomosis: A degenerate disease.

Decaflon: (n.) The gruelling event of getting

through the day consuming only things that

are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance

performed just after you've accidentally

walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a

mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in

the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after

finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

 

The Tiffany Wimberley's had Family Game

Night recently. My daughter won so she got

a chance to B the caller. I set her up with the

necessary equipment N another game

started. She began to call out the letters and

numbers in a melodious voice. G, it was cute

in the beginning but, about halfway through

the game it became annoying and I had to

say, "0, Alexa, we are not playing SINGO."

 

"Now that's sloppy embroidery", Mark Israel needled cruelly.

 

"They'll want a picture of me at the dinner table", Gill Krebs supposed.

 

"Once upon a time, there were two brothers," Stan Kegel said grimly.

 

Keith Martin asks, "What if fruits & veggies started eating people? How would you feel if an Appalachia?

 

People who insist on drinking before they drive are putting the quart before the hearse, Lee Daniel Quinn admonished, driving home his pint.

 

The chef at a family‑run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."

 

I told someone I was getting married, and they said, "Have you picked a date yet?" I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your wedding? What a country!" (Yakov Smirnoff)

 

Eve hung out in shingles bars where she met nothing but shallow rakes with hangovers and boring carpenters who were too hammered to nail her. "I'm board" she pined, "These studs are all cripples. This is knot what I spruced myself up fir." Well, joist as she was about to header self home, she met a roofing contractor who drove a 4X4 beamer. She knew he would be an easy pickup. She later soffit to confess, "I knew from the moment I firs sawed your fascia were someone I could truss." He gave her such a pitch that he eventually gutter to marry him and they did, in fact, live happily ever rafter.

 

'Twas in a restaurant they met Brave Romeo and Juliet. He had no cash to pay his debt So Romeo'd what Juli'et. (Herb Ellafson)

 

THESE ARE NAUTICAL BUT NICE:

 

A ship carrying farm animals started sinking, which caused some of the smaller livestock to run about aimlessly. Captain Jim Ertner then shouted, "Abandon sheep!

 

A small boat passed precariously close to a Navy vessel, which prompted the ship's captain to bellow through the bullhorn: "Are you crazy?" The skipper of the offending boat replied, "No, just a little dinghy."

 

If I tied together some logs with rope; and I think you get my drift, wood my Barque be worse than my bight?? Asks Scott Ryan.

 

Twins Juan & Jose are deckhands aboard the USS Punjab. Repeatedly, The Captain mistakes Juan for the other. Jose finally has

 

enough. "I for Juan," he complains, "am not my brother, Skeeper! " Dale Beebe‑Farrow.

 

Patrick Hester saw this squinty‑eyed sailor with big bulgy arrn muscles walk into his favorite bar. The owner, a German gentleman named Josef Mann, greets him with a frosty cold mug of beer. The innkeeper says "Our specials tonight are cheeseburgers or chicken pot pie. I brought you a mug of the locally brewed ale, but if you want I'll go get you an import. What'll it be?" The man replies: "Um, pot pie, this ale, Herr Mann."

 

(D@@

 

Readers of the Washington Post were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

 

Coffee (n.) a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how

much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever

having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation

while drunk.

Willy‑nilly (adj.) impotent.

Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in

which you absentmindedly answer the door

in your nightie.

Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.) an olive‑flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that

picks you up after you are run over by a

steamroller.

Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an

exam.

Rectitude (n.) the forinal, dignified

demeanor assumed by a proctologist

immediately before he examines you.