The Pundit

The official newsletter of

 

THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE THE PUN FOUNDATION

 

March 2002

 

A story of Olympian proportions by Tiff Wimberley:

 

When I first heard about the Olympic sport of Skeleton I thought, "Where did they dig this sport up?" But it turns out that this was a bone afide Olympic sport nearly a half a century ago (54 years to be exact ... that is a bit of tibia for you). I just watched Jim Shea of the American Skeleton crew win the Cold Medal in this event by a marrow margin ... TENSE of a second! One of the commentators said that there is a world cup circuit for Skeleton but their winnings are small compared co other sports, so they are pretty much doing this all‑pro bone‑o. For those of you who think that skeleton is easy you have been seriously miSLED. It takes a lot of skull to do this spine‑tingling sport. Unlike the things that you strap on your feet and then ischium down the hill, you have to lay on your tummy as you sled down the run. I think I would femur comfortable knowing that I had a soft cushion of snow to land in and not the hard ice of the run. If you donl take the curves just right it can coccyx some seconds on your time. I think Skeleton is going to turn out to be a hip new sport. They probably won't get as much ribbing as the lugers do. I hope you found this piece humerus. Osteo la vista! Tiff (who had to bone up on anatomy for this piece)

 

What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A duck filled fatty puss! (Marsha Coleman)

 

Wild Bill's Hick Ox, by Gary Hallock

 

Bill, a dirnwitted hick, came to town saddled up on his plowing ox. He rode right into the bank and up to the teller window proclaiming, "Ali wonna mick uh de‑pah‑zit!" The baffled teller responded, "You want what?" The annoyed rube said it again, even slower. "Ahh ‑wonna ‑ mick ‑ uh ‑ De‑pah‑zit!" Suddenly recognizing the situation, the teller replied, "I'm sorry sir, that's an awful country diction. You canI make a deposit with drawl. You must be an oxymoron."

 

Sign at a tennis complex that is next to a Nude beach, "NO SHOES NO SHIRT NO SHORTS NO SERVICE"

 

If you Russia round and Ukraine your neck, donY Crimea River. (Donald Frazier)

 

Once there was a monster living in the Thames River in London. It terrorized the city's inhabitants until one day, those who were true and brave enough, gathered their strength together and killed the monster. In order to deal with this landfall of suddenly available meat, they ground its carcass into spicy German sausages. Charles Dickens wrote a newspaper article describing the events. The headline read: "It Was The Beast Of Thames; It Was The Wurst Of Thames!"

Sign at vegetarian restaurant spotted by Michael Driscoll' All we are saying is give peas a chance.

 

A mother who had just put her little boy to bed was heard to say as she shut the door and tip‑toed down the hall, "This is one more day when I worked from son‑up to son‑down." (Tim Davis)

 

Qo@

 

TOM SWI]FTILES:

 

"Emma has had trouble staying on her diet since the last time I saw her, but I'm still her staunchest supporter," said Tom emphatically. (Don Kirkman)

 

"Then I threw off the blanket," Tom discovered. (Stan Kegel)

 

"How do you like this negligee?" asked Mary transparently (Gill Krebs).

 

"I've already given you the nominative, vocative, .ccusative, genitive, dative, and ablative, so I will say no more", Tom declined. (Mark Israel).

 

"There'll be no strippers in my town", said the sheriff unbareably. (Gill Krebs)

 

"I don't want a bottle that can exist only in hyperspace", Tom declined. (Mark Israel)

 

"German cars have become very expensive," Tom remarked dutifully. (Stan Kegel)

 

"Adherents of my religion don't all have to believe the same thing," Tom decreed. (Mark Israel)

 

"Hey, Fellas, look at my new coat," Joseph said colorfully. (Asa Sparks)

 

"They'll want a picture of me at the dinner table", Tom supposed. (Gill Krebs)

 

"Once upon a time, there were two brothers," said "rom grimly. (Stan Kegel)

 

Merchandising is half the battle in selling a product ... and it often begins with a catchy name for the product (or service) that will pique the interest of a potential buyer. The object here was to name a product or service and, if necessary, append a brief explanation of the product or service, choosing a name guaranteed to pique the consumer's interest.

• drive through steakhouse ‑ RARE'N'T'GO.

• place to store antique pastas ‑ OLD SPAGHETTI WAREHOUSE. A device to aid fishermen ‑ THE MASTER BAITER.

• wall‑covering showroom ‑ PAPER VIEW.

• golf accessory for Siamese twins ‑ TEE FOR

TWO.

BOOTI‑FUL: Padded girdles.

Gary Hallock.

DON'T WAFFLE: Pancake griddles for the decisive

woman.

GO TO HEALTH!: Chain of fast‑food restaurants

featuring veggie burgers topped with habaflero

peppers, banana peppers, and jalapeflo peppers.

ORIGINAL SINNAMON: *Very* grown‑up

candies!

I PLANET THAT WAY: Telescopes.

GREAT PRETENDERS: Padded jeans for guys.

LO & PEEHOLD: Adult diapers.

Cynthia MacGregor.

HURT'S RENT‑A‑CUR! A provider of guard

dogs to junkyards.

THAT SCREW‑DRIVER PLACE! A drive thru

brothel.

VINYL RESTING PLACE! A mortuary that uses

plastic coffins.

Ken Pinkham.

 

000

 

What if fruits & veggies started eating people? How would you feel if an Appalachia? (Keith Martin)

 

If there are still "incurable romantics" we need better antibiotics. I eagerly await any chance I get to see landslides. I've always loved the Rolling Stones. (Douglas Helsel)

 

If you want to learn how to skydive, don't take a crash course. (Larry Clott)

Daffynitions from Stan Kegel's PUNY Dictionary:

 

0

 

Solvent: A hole in the bottom of a shoe.

Eunuch: What you do if the doorbell is out

of order.

Expectorant: Mother's sister is pregnant.

Detergent: Stop your date from getting

fresh.

Flatulent: Letting someone stay at your

apartment.

Ground Zero ‑ Metal recycled from old

Japanese warplanes.

Doldrums ‑ Former Vice President's bongos.

Algorithm ‑ Experienced by another former

VP when he hears doldrums­

Internist ‑ Where you will find tern eggs.

Dehydrate ‑ The cost of the Witness

Protection Programme.

Laplander ‑ A peanut butter sandwich that

doesnl fall all the way to the floor.

Explain ‑ simple breakfast, as opposed to

with asparagus, ham, and hollandaise sauce.

Ballet ‑ the guy who parks your car.

Parking space ‑ an urban myth.

Jacket: what you do to a car when you have

a flat tire.

Pregnancy: A fetal disease.

Rhapsody: To enclose a can of Pepsi in

paper­

Arch Criminal: One who robs shoe stores.

Tentacles: Linebacker's dream every game.

Auspices: The stallion takes a leak.

Axis: Instruments used to fell trees.

Arson: Our daughter's brother.

Adulterate: A full price cinema ticket.

Testicle: A humorous question on an exam.

Depolarize ‑ Where white bears live.

Despair: Emergency tire.

 

Compare a mild crime, a nickname for the neighborhood curmudgeon, the weather's conduct, a dominatrix who specializes in humiliation, and the denial of a bad flub by a golfer: Misdemeanor, Mr. Meaner, mist demeanor, Miss Demeanor, missed tee? Me? Naw! (Cynthia MacGregor)

 

* GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD

* man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

* pessimist's blood type is always b‑negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's

just kiln time.

Dijon vu ‑ the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating ‑ always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the

wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean

a mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,

so they gave me the axe.

A man needs a mistress to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek‑to‑cheek is a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over

platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your

imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well‑red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an 1.

 

Stan Kegel sends food for thought cooked up by the

PUNSTERS UNITED NEARLY YEARLY:

 

Goldie lox and Cream cheese

Ebola Cherries

Garlicking Good

Fudge Mint Day

Root beer Flotsam

Cherry Noble

Fudge Soybean

Latte Bloomers

Mickey Mousse

Salmon Vanilla