THE PUNDIT

The Official Newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

 

May 2002

 I  

I have just returned (April 14') from the 17 1h Annual International Conference on The Positive Power of Humor, Hope & Healing. Joel Goodman, the very first Punster of the Year in the year 1989 is the founder and director of the Humor Project Inc., sponsors of the conference, and Margie Ingram, Conference Coordinator, are to be congratulated and commended for this wonderful meeting and approach to life. I have included excerpts from the promotional brochure as an addendum to this issue of the Pundit for your information and consideration as a possible attendee.

 

000

 

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD

 

Energizer Bunny arrested ‑ charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b‑negative.

Practice safe eating ‑ always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean

your mother.

Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek‑to‑cheek is really a form of floor

play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over

platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your

imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable

occasion.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an 1.

 

Have you seen these SIGNS OF THE TIMES?

DR. JONES, AT YOUR CERVIX. (At a

gynecologist's office.)

TO EXPEDITE YOUR VISIT, PLEASE BACK IN.

(At a colonoscopy clinic.)

WE REPAIR WHAT YOUR HUSBAND FIXED.

& DON'T SLEEP WITH A DRIP. CALL YOUR

PLUMBER. (Ace Plumbing Service)

SEVEN DAYS WITHOUT PIZZA MAKES ONE

WEAK. & BUY OUR PIZZA. WE KNEAD THE

DOUGH. (Pizza Hut)

HELLO. CAN WE PICK YOUR NOSE? (Plastic

Surgery)"

WE DON'T CHARGE AN ARM AND A LEG. WE

WANT TOWS. (Marvin's Towing Service)

LET US REMOVE YOUR SHORTS. (Jim's

Electric Co.)

IF WE SEE SMOKE, WE WILL ASSUME YOU

ARE ON FIRE AND TAKE APPROPRIATE

ACTION. (In a non‑smoking section of a bar)

PUSH. PUSH. PUSH. (On a maternity room door)

IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING

FOR, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

(At an optometrist's office)

WE REALLY KNOW OUR STUFF. (On a

taxidermist's window)

TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS. (In a podiatrist's

office)

SALESMEN WELCOME! DOG FOOD IS

EXPENSIVE. (On a fence)

NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY. WE HEAR

YOU COMING. (On a muffler shop)

 

(DO@

 

And then there is the Lion with a thorn in its paw‑and when it pains, it roars.

KID'S KORNER:

 

Where do baby dogs sleep on camping trips? In pup tents. (Richard Lederer & James Ertner).

 

Why would you put a baby goat in a car seat?

Because that's where all kids should be. (Olivia, 8)

 

What did the dinosaur say to its prey?

Nice to meat you (Max, 6)

 

What is it called when your mother serves cold, lumpy cereal? Gruel and unusual punishment (Michelle, 10)

 

Why did the wrestlers have to compete in the dark?

Because their match wouldn't light. (Armen, 8)

 

How does a baby learn to sing?

By crib notes (Eric)

 

Why did the girl write on her hand?

So she could practice her handwriting. (Jessica, 9)

 

What did one casket say to the other casket?

Is that you coffin? (Dim Wit)

 

What letters are not in the alphabet?

The ones that are in the mail. (Daisy, 10)

 

Why did the orange stop in the middle of the freeway? Because it ran out of juice. (Garrett, 9)

 

What did the baby corn say to the mommy corn?

Where is my popcorn. (Marion, 9)

 

What runs all day but never gets tired?

A clock! (Jay, 11)

 

What animal hits the hardest?

A bat. (Lisandra, 10)

 

(D@@

 

A biologist was heard to exclaim when he dropped some slides, "Be careful, and don't step on mitosis." (David Bishop)

 

In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out. After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Constable Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty‑four‑year­old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her." Holy Ewings!" exclaimed the Chief. "I'm sure surprised at you, Ralph. You've been a policeman almost all your life ‑‑ and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"

 

&DO

 

Heroes \hee‑rhos'\ What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \Ieft'bangk'\ What the robber did when

his bag was full of loot

Misty Vnis‑tee'\ How golfers create divots.

Parasites \par'‑ih‑sites'\ What you see from the top

of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist Varm'‑uh‑sist\ A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'‑Iur‑ize'\ What penguins see with.

Primate \pri'‑mate'\ Removing your spouse from in

front of the TV.

Relief \ree‑leef\ What trees do in the spring

Selfish \sel'‑fish'\ What the owner of a seafood

store does.

Subdued \sub‑dood'\ Like, a guy who, like, works

on one of those, like,. submarines, man.

Sudafed \sood'‑a‑fed'\ Brought litigation against a

government official.

 

We are bound to bring Noelle Chesser's sewing

basket to you.

1. At the sewage treatment plant, a waste is a

terrible thing to mind.

2. At the sewage treatment plant, your doody is our

duty.

3. At the sewage treatment plant, we're number one

in the number two

business.

 

Now, those are just grate.

There is an Abbey in a town in southern France that is known for its ability to produce winners amongst the younger brothers in the local marathons and road races. They are known as the Fast order of French Friars. Also included in the Order are many of the older Brothers that are very cerebral and contemplative, known as the Deep Friars. (Alan E. Beck says this is from hymn)

 

00(D

 

A young woman was walking on the beach and came upon a young Tem not yet able to fly and seemingly had lost its parents. She picked it up and was carrying it with her when she came upon a young man reading from a book of verse. He traded her the book for the bird and she said he had taken a tem for the verse.

 

He went in the Pier Cafe and the Chef was stirring the batter for sourdough bread. The young man traded the tem for a jar of the dough. He said the chef had taken a tem for the batter. (Flown in by Walt Leigon Houston, T)O

 

(D@@

 

I understand historians now refer to the reign of Henry VIR as the age of the testosterthrone. (Norm Stevens)

 

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu ‑ the same mustard as before.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the

wrong way.

A man needs a mistress just to break the

monogamy.

Feudalism: When it's your Count that votes.

 

DAFFYNITIONS from PUNY members:

 

Trinomials: If your daughter refuses to do her math homework, just send her to bed without her supper. Requirement: Getting more tic‑tacs for the church singers. Racketeers: Comes when you lose the tennis match. (Gary Hallock)

 

Impunity: A group of mischievous children working

together.

Raisin: Why Raymond went to Hell

Exorbitant: An insect that returns from a space

mission.

Represent: Giving back the same gift you received

last Christmas.

Rumor: Someone who pays to stay at your home

Rheumatic: Where the rumor stays (Stan Kegel)

 

Recession: Another meeting. (Lars Hanson)

 

Band Director: A person who is not afraid to face the music. (Paul Benoit)

 

Roughen ‑ Toughest old bird in the chicken house Rampage ‑ Part of the St. Louis play book (Ken Pinkham)

 

Oscillator: Something to say when taking leave of a friend. Pastry chef‑ A bake‑up artist (Michael Driscoll)

 

Nostalgia: Living life in the past lane. (Very Punny)

 

Climate: The only thing you can do with a ladder. Robust: Ancient torturous method of propelling a boat by leaning overboard and moving your bosom through the water. (Cynthia MacGregor)

 

Advil: experimental community where residents pay no property taxes, but every square inch of sidewalk and wall space is filled with billboards and other commercial come‑ons. (Washington Post)

 

Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain. (Paul Dickson)

 

Sticking with the PUNY people: As one glue manufacturer said to another, "The feeling's mucilage."

 

Wouldn't the word "gluestick" be an epoxymoron?

 

You two can always Duco it out over this. Tiff can paste Jim in the jaw, and Jim can respond with some verbal insults ... and make them stick. It certainly pastes to stick to your guns. (Cyn MacGregor)