The Pundit

The official newsletter of THE INTERNATIONAL SAVE THE PUN FOUNDATION

 

WELCOME TO SUMMER.

 

Alan Combs goes to the movies: A young man from an ancient and honorable Circus Acrobatic Family married and wanted his children to follow in the family tradition. As it happened he had three daughters. These girls were athletic enough, but he wanted them to have an act that was modern and unique, yet containing elements of the old school. After some thought, they worked out an act where the girls jumped off a sixteen‑meter platform over a swimming pool while performing tricks with those old‑fashioned spinning toys on a string. Around the world, walking the dog, over the waterfall, all the classics and others, the girls did these while doing the most difficult coordinated gyrations on their way down to the water. They were a very successful act. In his later years, the man was asked to write a book about how this act came about. He did and called it, "Diving Secrets of the Yo‑Yo Sisterhood."

 

With the success of his current movie, Spiderman is starting to receive the acclaim and honor that he deserves. For a long time it was not this way. In fact, in the Spiderman fiction, many people, especially those in power, are worried about the concept of a Super Hero with spectacular powers who takes justice into his own hands. For the followers. of the comic book series, however, the vulnerability and Everyman nature of the protagonist is one of the attractions. Thus it is in the movie. For the people he saves, there is no question about the nature of our hero. They greatly appreciate his efforts. A recent example of this was reported in the local newspapers. A tourist ship was making the rounds of New York Harbor and Spidey's alter ego went along for the trip. This time he did not take his costume. The upper deck of the vessel was filled with outpatients from a local Hanson's Disease colony on an outing. Most of them were drinking heavily to celebrate the occasion and they were highly inebriated. (Continued over leaf)

What has two banks and no money? A river. (Conn.r, 8)

 

What food does a racehorse eat? Fast Food.

 

What would happen if a dairy cow exploded? Udder madness!

 

What's the difference between a cloud and a man stepping on a thumbtack? One pours with rain; the other roars with pain.

 

What's the difference between a schoolboy and a train engineer? One has a mind to train; the other has a train to mind.

 

What do you call a wizard from outer space? A flying sorcerer. (Lamelda, 8)

 

It's somewhat like what our KIDS'KORNER looked like. We will continue to post Stan's JEST FOR KIDS and call it "JEST FOR KIDS KORNER."

 

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following are some of this year's. 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

 

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all

hope of ever having a flat

stomach.

4‑ Willy‑nilly (adj.), impotent.

5. Negligent (adj.), describes a

condition in which you

absentmindedly answer the door

in your nightie.

6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a

lisp.

7. Gargoyle (n.), an olive‑flavored

mouthwash.

8. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly

receding hairline.

9. Rectitude (n.), the formal,

dignified demeanor assumed by

a proctologist immediately

before he examines you.

10. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the

belief that, when you die, your

soul goes up on the roof and gets

stuck there.

 

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A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. Dijon vu ‑ the same mustard as before.

 

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

 

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

 

I used to be a lumberjack, but I

 

At low tide the pilot managed to hit a submerged piling, which tore the bottom out of the boat. Even though his identity would be revealed, Spiderman grabbed hold of the upper deck and with a mighty effort kept it from sinking until help arrived. The able‑bodied passengers were able to escape on their own. The New York Times subsequently blared the headlines, "Peter Parker Picked a Deck of Pickled Lepers."

 

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Few people know that the family name of Shrek's friend Donkey is Oaty and that before meeting Shrek donkey Oaty schemed impossible schemes and tilted in gin mills. Uoust another one from Norm Stevenson)

 

Adrienne Tozier, niece of our very own Life Member Dave Tozier, introduces us to the "Herman Game."

 

"Does it work?" Asked Howie. Here's how, Howie. You say a sentence or two, and somewhat like the Tom Swifties, you say who said it, and the sayer's name fits the saying, e.g. "I love that girl," said Herman. "Pay that invoice," said Bill.

 

"Life sure has its ups and downs, " said Bob. " Drop over sometime," said Cliffi " Play that clarinet," said Reid. "I love that colour, " said Hugh. "Please cover your windows," said Kurt and Rod. " Now you," said Turner. (Any Herman that you would like to submit for future Pundits WILL be published and appro, . priate blame will be made.)

 

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Stan Kegel, Punster of the Year 2000, encourages "kids," to participate in punning. How? He has put together a newsgroup, called" JEST FOR KIDS." If you are interested in subscribing send a blank e‑mail to: mailto:jest4kids­subscribekyahoogroups.com and you may make submissions to "Jest For Kids," too. Send your favorite riddle or pun to mailto:keg_elkfea.net with "Jest For Kids" as the subject and the joke and your name and age as the message. Here are some examples. What insect gets "A" s in English? A spelling bee.

 

What did the dog do after he swallowed a firefly? He barked with de‑light.

 

What does the ocean do when kids leave the beach? It waves.