The Pundit

The official newsletter of the International Save the Pun Foundation

AH, at last!! We're back. There was a crack in the foundation but we found it and fixed it. The computer gods got there in time to repair, and so, to allay any fears that our members had, that the ISTPF had gone and disappeared. NOT SO. We were cracked up by the electronic world which corrupted the halls of the foundation and caused a great loss of UN backed up data which was needed to continue the PUNDIT. Although we have not been able to retrieve the lost files, we will start from scratch and replace your itch for the puns that have been coming your way since June 1981.

Hopefully, this is the beginning of a new era.

Please, if you have an email address, send to the ISTPF at punpunpun@rogers.com . The idea is to send the Pundit out over the waves and only the very few that are not connected will receive it via the snail. Oh yes, since we were out for three months, your membership will extend for those and we'll be up to snuff again. How's that? Now, let's have some puns.

These are the choices of the cyber folk's entries to the www.punpunpun.com , the site of the ISTPF.

Some of the old favorite singers and
bands have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.

   Some examples:

- Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker."

- The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want."

- Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising."

- Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts."

- ABBA: "Denture Queen."

- The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication."

- The Troggs: "Bald Thing."

- Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein."

- The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip."

- Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face."

- Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now."

- The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone."

- Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom."

- Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair."

- The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends"

It is going to be forbidden to own a dog in

Iran

. Therefore it will become a NO BARKING ZONE.

With the new models coming out, my uncle went to buy a new car. He liked the Mercedes, but didn't have enough cash. So he bought what he could,

Paul McCartney (of the Beatles) was recently knighted by the knighting authority of the

United Kingdom

. His music will be more expensive due to the "SIR" charge.

Recently Marcel Marceau was waiting to be seated in a busy restaurant when he tried to slip the maitre'd $50 to seat him right away. The man just shook his head and said, I will serve no mime before his time.

A fellow recently demanded a large ransom to release a busload of tourists from Prague, that he had hijacked and hidden in a cave. When it was discovered that the whole thing was a scam, he was charged with the fraudulent caching of Czechs

A fellow was sunning himself on the deck of his sailboat when a piece of rigging fell and crushed him. After extensive investigation the coroner issued his official findings and the victim was pronounced as being A SPAR MANGLED TANNER

A fellow came home and discovered a lovely young lady was cavorting on his roof. Puzzled, he sat down to watch her fetching antics and ponder the situation. He soon remembered he had recently responded to an online offer and ordered a free dish installation. (Norm Stevenson's signal is very clear)

At a base ball game recently, the guy calling balls and strikes was born in Rome

Italy

, grew up in Rome New York, and now lives in Rome

Georgia

.
That's right. He is a wholly roman umpire.

Pizza Hut is expanding their operations by building a 24 story training center which will be dubbed the

They brought them up safe and sound, except for a few miner injuries. "I smelt gold." said one. "Who's, yours ore mine?" said another. While in the almost flooded shaft they sang Coal Porter songs, like Down in the Depths, Night and Day, All of You, Where Oh Where, From this Moment On, So Near Yet So Far, and last Your the Top.

I didn't star in the astronomy contest, but I did win the constellation prize!"

The puppeteer watched old Mouseketeer reruns, fell in love, and decided to marionette.

Leo told a story of his acquisition of shares in a rabbit farm. He called it,

My guess is that the owner is displaying the fact that his car had passed all of the nocturnal emissions tests.

If a bunch of guys with poison ivy go to see a Mariners game, and all sit next to each other, what do they call where they sit?

The security guard surprised a freelance locksmith inside the
warehouse. He knew this fellow had been up to no good because he
suddenly made a bolt for the door

Did you hear about the veterinarian who was barred from performing
any surgery because he suffered from bouts of epilepsy? The cops
busted him for attempting to operate on a sick predatory bird but the
case was thrown out on a technicality. It was an ill eagle surgeon
seizure.

Did you hear that the "Lord of the Rings" actor who played Bilbo Baggins is going to appear in the next Bruce
Willis action picture? It's called "Old Hobbits Die Hard."

So, as we try to catch up and bring you the Pundit and all that it's word, remember that a day without puns is like a day without sunshine. There's gloom for improvement.